Strategies to reverse MY response to whining

[kindundmama]

Sorry, but I am back here to ask for some more help. I thought I would have progressed a lot more but...
So, I have always told my now 4.5 yr. old to stop whining. But earlier (when she was 3--3.5), I had tried the ignoring, responding in the same way as her, rephrasing things (when I got through the loud pitch) in a calm manner.
I can tolerate crying...any amount of it but whining sets my teeth on edge. I just can't bear it. So my response to it is to harshly tell DD to stop it. The other reason I can't stand it is because I don't want her to think that whining gets her things and because I've always disliked girls/women who whine about things (bad experiences in college and at work) especially in front of men.
So, what do I do now?

[OnAMission]

I like to teach what to do in addition to merely saying "stop" At our house we call it using a "regular" voice. I like "regular" because it has no other connotations, i.e., I prefer to use a neutral word as opposed to "nice voice" or "good voice" or "happy voice" or "pleasant voice" or whatever. Having grown up in a home in which happy was the only acceptable emotion, I am probably ultra-sensitive to "pretending" with one's voice and words. I figure that one can still feel hungry, angry, frustrated, sad, disappointed, etc, and still use a (mostly) regular voice to express those things without nullifying the child's feelings. We talk a lot at neutral times about what a regular voice sounds like as opposed to very loud, or very quiet, or whiny, or all sorts of variations. It usually turns into a game and we all giggle at the funny sounds

With very young children I say "My ears do not understand whiny voices. Do you mean xyz?" and I model using their words with a regular voice. As kids get older, I start also saying things like "My ears don't understand whiny voices. I would really like to help you. Try again." I also (having already modeled what I expect for polite requests) say "I only respond to polite requests."

If it is whining about an outcome about which I have firmly decided and already stated my answer, I will say something like "I hear that you are disappointed, but I am not changing my mind. Let's do abc." or, depending on the person/situation/age "That question has been asked and answered, if you would like to continue fussing, you may go to your room; it is not polite to act like that in a public area." If it is something where they are trying to negotiate, and I am willing to negotiate, I will either say the "I only respond to polite requests" statement, or I will coach them on how to negotiate because they are still very young and learning that art HTH

[MegMarch]

I tell my daughter that her voice is a whining voice and it bothers my ears so I'm not going to listen till she can use a regular girl voice.

When she does use a regular voice for requests I let her know that I am so glad she used that voice.

[kiloyd]

I could use some tips too.

[sweetpeas]

I tell dd I don't respond to whining (or some variation of that). In the past we've talked about what is whining and what is not, so she knows to take a deep breath and restate her request in a normal tone of voice. Usually, my matter-of-fact "that's whining, I don't respond to whining" is all it takes, but that might just be my kid, I can't promise it work with all kids

[MariJo7]

Originally Posted by sweetpeas

I tell dd I don't respond to whining (or some variation of that). In the past we've talked about what is whining and what is not, so she knows to take a deep breath and restate her request in a normal tone of voice. Usually, my matter-of-fact "that's whining, I don't respond to whining" is all it takes, but that might just be my kid, I can't promise it work with all kids

Some people are great with adding a little pinch of humor into this basic approach that is described here above. Edith Schaeffer wrote about in her classic work how she made a little bit a game of it: "Mummy has funny ears. Mummy can not understand what you are saying, because you are whining". Mu husband was great with this. If the child was whining, he heard everything "wrong". He made something funny of it that made the kids laugh as well.
Of course, we need to be careful and sensitive with humor. We can laugh at funny things together with the child but we should not have fun at the expense of the child.

[HadassahSukkot]

You might find these helpful:

http://www.ahaparenting.com/ages-sta...e-empt-whining
http://www.ahaparenting.com/BlogRetr...ostID=144015&A
http://mamablog.teach-through-love.c...lk-please.html

ETA: Are you getting any personal care time mama?

[marbles]

We also ask them to use a normal voice. When the situation is calm enough (no one is upset, they are just whining) we will model what they sound like and they agree that it is not a pleasant sound and it is hard to listen to. Then we ask them to try again in a normal voice and they almost always do. This helps in the tense moments too because we've been over it and so we just say "wait. use a normal voice." and they usually do. I don't like the idea of ignoring, because that seems rude and it usually makes me more angry. AFA helping my own response, being matter of fact with my kids about the unhelpfulness of whining (that it actually makes things worse because it is hard to listen to calmly) is the best help to me. When they are very little, I do acknowledge when they use words instead of crying or lashing out, even if the words are whining, because that is a huge step up. Then I repeat what was said in a not-whining voice and help them. Like with my 2.5 year old, I only ask him to try again when he is calm but whining and seems actually capable of speaking regularly.

[JoEllen]

I tell my children "adjust your tone and ask/tell me again". Obviously happy is not the only acceptable emotion, but I don't tolerate the whining. You may express your unhappiness, but I'd prefer you to do it in a normal tone.
As for my own response to the whining, I try to remember my days in college learning about child development, and it reminds me that my children are still developing and to have a little grace.
Other days I have to drink a cup of tea and then go back and apologize to my kids for losing my cool.

[LilacPhoenix]

Whining while making a request is usually responded to with, "I'm sorry, Mommy doesn't speak Whinese." Whining about something they don't like gets a reminder that they can whine all they want, as long as it's in a room alone, behind closed doors

[kindundmama]

I am posting these go-answers on the fridge. While I have done most of these or some versions of these in the past, it seems like I am more short with DD because we've already been through this. DS doesn't whine but he cries like the world is coming to an end--over everything. I don't know but I can handle that. Whining....yikes!

These are awesome ideas. I wish I had had some of these tips when my older ones where in the whiny stage!

[solatido]

My mom used to ask if I wanted some cheese with that whine. It often made me laugh and was a good rephrase cue. But sometimes it was annoying.

[Soliloquy]

I do similar to other posters. I say, "Speak to me in a regular voice." If they won't stop, I tell them, "If you need to whine, you may whine in your room or outside." I do thank them for talking to me in a regular voice when they make the change.

[kindundmama]

Originally Posted by solatido

My mom used to ask if I wanted some cheese with that whine. It often made me laugh and was a good rephrase cue. But sometimes it was annoying.

I need to remember that one when she's older. I would much prefer not to use it at all.