Toddlers and Obedience

VeganIma · 11-17-2014, 04:06 PM

Is it normal for a two year old to obey the first time he is asked to do or not do something?

I just got off the phone with my parents, who decided to inform me that maybe my gentle parenting isn't working because our son doesn't instantly obey. *sigh* Maybe we should try spanking him, they said.

I try not to doubt my convictions and the parenting decisions I've made, but when both Hubby and my parents have criticisms and doubts about gentle parenting, I start to feel like I'm doing something wrong because our child isn't perfectly behaved at 2.5 years!

sprout · 11-17-2014, 04:22 PM

I am pretty sure that the two words..toddlers and obedience just don't ever go together in one sentence. Toddlers are vortexes all to their own and obedience seems like such an over the top word to even try to describe one.

I would stick with the gentle discipline and reap the rewards of it in the years to come honestly.

Is this your first? My parents have had similar convos with me ten years ago with my first. Have three more and there will be a lot more to talk about than how obedient or lack of obedient a toddler is.

VeganIma · 11-17-2014, 04:30 PM

Yep, this is our first...and their first grandchild.

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

CelticJourney · 11-17-2014, 04:35 PM

If they are not careful, their unrealistic expectations are going to ruin their first run as grandparenting. No way do two year olds obey the first time.

rcsmom · 11-17-2014, 05:09 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CelticJourney

No way do two year olds obey the first time.

and just for the record neither do 3 year olds, 4 year olds or 5 year olds. That is as far as I am at this point but I don't see it miraculously happening in the next couple of months either so I am going to say 6 year olds don't either.

marbles · 11-17-2014, 05:50 PM

It's unrealistic. Sometimes they do, but mostly they don't. Then as they age it starts to even out so they're like 50/50 on doing what you say. My daughter is now 4 and she's tipped just over into the more often than not she'll obey. Sometimes she needs a hand or for me to make sure I have her attention first but on good days she does what I say most of the time. I've had great success in our family all around using GOYB parenting. It's gentle but not permissive. In our family we talk about it like training our brains to listen to our ears when they hear mom or dad. So it's not punitive at all, we are working together to teach them to pay attention to my voice so that when it's an emergency we can be sure my voice will go straight to their brains. I try to limit my "commands" so that I'm not barking at them all day and that also helps.

Kiara.I · 11-17-2014, 05:51 PM

For a two-year-old to consistently, every time, DO what they are asked would be ABnormal. Very.

So, how are you at learning to bean-dip? Can deflect comments and questions and turn the conversation to a different topic?

3PeasInAPod · 11-17-2014, 05:52 PM

If it was me I'd let them know real quick I don't want their parenting advice. Grandparents should just focus on enjoying those babies! !

FlyingBlueKiwi · 11-17-2014, 08:06 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VeganIma

Is it normal for a two year old to obey the first time he is asked to do or not do something?

I just got off the phone with my parents, who decided to inform me that maybe my gentle parenting isn't working because our son doesn't instantly obey. *sigh* Maybe we should try spanking him, they said.

Guess what...YOU didn't first-time obey as a 2yo either. They just responded by spanking instead of making it happen or redirecting.

mommychem · 11-17-2014, 08:30 PM

I was very skeptical about gentle discipline. I joined the message board and avoided the GD forum because I wasn't convinced. My DH did not want to spank but had no other tools. By the time our first was 2, I needed tools so started peeking around for ideas. Nearly four years and two additional children later, it definitely works. I have learned so much and feel like I've unlocked greater potential in myself in navigating relationships with my children as well as with other people. I have been able to work on my own weaknesses rather than blaming my negative reactions on my children's behavior. Hang in there! You are in the right place.

Scox2003 · 11-17-2014, 08:36 PM

First time obedience is neither biblical nor developmentally appropriate. I write about this in my book. The young brain takes longer to process stimuli. They just process everything much, much differently than we do. It takes a lot of brain damage from physical punishment to finally get children to obey immediately. Not good. They are in constant fight or flight mode when people use physical punishment to get first time obedience. Fear & pain hinder brain development and learning. God created children to be who they are. He created our brains. So, no children should never be expected to obey immediately all the time. Now, if there is an emergency or a good reason for immediate cooperation (I really dislike using obedience within the parent-child relationship because we're not God and are mere sinners. Cooperation should be our aim within the parent-child relationship.), then we need to tell the child why and be prepared to help the child cooperate.

ArmsOfLove · 11-17-2014, 09:15 PM

my children have been fine in emergencies - there is a different tone and intensity to my words when they literally need to listen. They get it and they move quickly.

Playful parenting is a great approach with 2yo's because they might not pick up toys but they will hand me nails to hammer into the box or hold hands while we quack like mommy and baby ducks, etc

weerach · 11-18-2014, 05:50 AM

My dh is like this too. I get really frustrated with him because his immediate reaction is "if you don't behave you aren't stating up tonight" etc, threats basically. I always get the story of how as a child he'd point to an ornament and say "no touch" and when asked why he didn't touch he would hit his hand and say "mummy ow", he was 2.5. He doesn't see anything wrong with smacking and tells me I should be smacking J more but J is such a strong willed character that smacking wouldn't work anyway and would instead make him angry and more likely to do something he knows he's not allowed to. But in saying that dh doesn't smack them much, gives a telling off etc but I've gotten the "smacking reflex" out of him. But it's so hard.
Oh he also tells me he's thankful his mom smacked him, and he's being serious.

ThreeKids · 11-18-2014, 06:43 AM

Spanking doesn't produce obedience. It can produce compliance in the short term. Obedience is a heart issue and spanking for compliance is about producing an externally observable behavior. If there is the threat of coercion, the dynamic that implies spanking for non-compliance is taking away the child's opportunity to obey.

JoEllen · 11-18-2014, 01:54 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by VeganIma

Is it normal for a two year old to obey the first time he is asked to do or not do something?

Define 'normal'.

Sometimes my children will do as I say the first time I say it, and sometimes I have to say it twice, or make it happen, or whatever the case may be. It all depends on their personality, their age, their mood at the time (and mine), etc.

What's not 'normal' is a child obeying instantly out of fear of being hit or otherwise punished.

11-17-2014, 04:06 PM	#1
VeganIma Rose Blossom Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Austin Posts: 133	Toddlers and Obedience Is it normal for a two year old to obey the first time he is asked to do or not do something? I just got off the phone with my parents, who decided to inform me that maybe my gentle parenting isn't working because our son doesn't instantly obey. sigh Maybe we should try spanking him, they said. I try not to doubt my convictions and the parenting decisions I've made, but when both Hubby and my parents have criticisms and doubts about gentle parenting, I start to feel like I'm doing something wrong because our child isn't perfectly behaved at 2.5 years!

11-17-2014, 04:22 PM	#2
sprout Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2008 Posts: 7,261	Re: Toddlers and Obedience I am pretty sure that the two words..toddlers and obedience just don't ever go together in one sentence. Toddlers are vortexes all to their own and obedience seems like such an over the top word to even try to describe one. I would stick with the gentle discipline and reap the rewards of it in the years to come honestly. Is this your first? My parents have had similar convos with me ten years ago with my first. Have three more and there will be a lot more to talk about than how obedient or lack of obedient a toddler is.

11-17-2014, 04:30 PM	#3
VeganIma Rose Blossom Join Date: Jul 2012 Location: Austin Posts: 133	Re: Toddlers and Obedience Yep, this is our first...and their first grandchild. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk __________________ Single Mama to Little Bear ~ 7/18/12 and Baby Bean 7/22/15 ISFJ

11-17-2014, 04:35 PM	#4
CelticJourney Administrator Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 34,560	Re: Toddlers and Obedience If they are not careful, their unrealistic expectations are going to ruin their first run as grandparenting. No way do two year olds obey the first time. __________________ Elizabeth "Truth without love is divisive and hurtful & love without truth is anemic"--Pastor Estep Arise, cry out in the night...pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord; Lift up your hands to him for the lives of your children..; Lamentations 2:19

11-17-2014, 05:50 PM	#6
marbles Rose Garden Our Family Join Date: Oct 2010 Location: South Carolina Posts: 5,047	Re: Toddlers and Obedience It's unrealistic. Sometimes they do, but mostly they don't. Then as they age it starts to even out so they're like 50/50 on doing what you say. My daughter is now 4 and she's tipped just over into the more often than not she'll obey. Sometimes she needs a hand or for me to make sure I have her attention first but on good days she does what I say most of the time. I've had great success in our family all around using GOYB parenting. It's gentle but not permissive. In our family we talk about it like training our brains to listen to our ears when they hear mom or dad. So it's not punitive at all, we are working together to teach them to pay attention to my voice so that when it's an emergency we can be sure my voice will go straight to their brains. I try to limit my "commands" so that I'm not barking at them all day and that also helps. __________________ Mary K wife to Daniel for 16 years mom to 13 year old the Girl and 11 year old the Boy and 8 year old Tiny Almost always posting from my phone.

11-17-2014, 05:51 PM	#7
Kiara.I Rose Garden Join Date: Dec 2008 Location: The Pacific South-West. You know, north of the Pacific North-West Posts: 12,922	Re: Toddlers and Obedience For a two-year-old to consistently, every time, DO what they are asked would be ABnormal. Very. So, how are you at learning to bean-dip? Can deflect comments and questions and turn the conversation to a different topic? __________________ ENTP fits me to a T, though it took me forever to figure it out! DYT Type 3, Enn. Type 1 (hold that thought...enneagram crisis...might be a 7!) Sparks (9) ; Spitfire (8); Sprite (4.5)

11-17-2014, 05:52 PM	#8
3PeasInAPod Deactivated Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: pnw Posts: 8,571	Re: Toddlers and Obedience If it was me I'd let them know real quick I don't want their parenting advice. Grandparents should just focus on enjoying those babies! !

11-17-2014, 08:30 PM	#10
mommychem Rose Garden Butterfly on my face :) Join Date: Mar 2010 Location: Louisiana Posts: 6,955	Re: Toddlers and Obedience I was very skeptical about gentle discipline. I joined the message board and avoided the GD forum because I wasn't convinced. My DH did not want to spank but had no other tools. By the time our first was 2, I needed tools so started peeking around for ideas. Nearly four years and two additional children later, it definitely works. I have learned so much and feel like I've unlocked greater potential in myself in navigating relationships with my children as well as with other people. I have been able to work on my own weaknesses rather than blaming my negative reactions on my children's behavior. Hang in there! You are in the right place. __________________ Wife with 5 DC Former Chemist

11-17-2014, 08:36 PM	#11
Scox2003 Rosebud Author of Gentle Firmness. Join Date: May 2012 Location: Southern Illinois Posts: 62	Re: Toddlers and Obedience First time obedience is neither biblical nor developmentally appropriate. I write about this in my book. The young brain takes longer to process stimuli. They just process everything much, much differently than we do. It takes a lot of brain damage from physical punishment to finally get children to obey immediately. Not good. They are in constant fight or flight mode when people use physical punishment to get first time obedience. Fear & pain hinder brain development and learning. God created children to be who they are. He created our brains. So, no children should never be expected to obey immediately all the time. Now, if there is an emergency or a good reason for immediate cooperation (I really dislike using obedience within the parent-child relationship because we're not God and are mere sinners. Cooperation should be our aim within the parent-child relationship.), then we need to tell the child why and be prepared to help the child cooperate. __________________ Steph, M.S.ED Early Childhood Ed Author of Gentle Firmness now available everywhere including Amazon. Check out more on my https://discipliningwithgentlefirmness.com. And find me on Facebook. Married Chip in 2003

11-17-2014, 09:15 PM	#12
ArmsOfLove Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 79,607	Re: Toddlers and Obedience my children have been fine in emergencies - there is a different tone and intensity to my words when they literally need to listen. They get it and they move quickly. Playful parenting is a great approach with 2yo's because they might not pick up toys but they will hand me nails to hammer into the box or hold hands while we quack like mommy and baby ducks, etc __________________ Crystal "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Maya Angelou

11-18-2014, 05:50 AM	#13
weerach Rose Garden Join Date: Jan 2007 Posts: 11,733	Re: Toddlers and Obedience My dh is like this too. I get really frustrated with him because his immediate reaction is "if you don't behave you aren't stating up tonight" etc, threats basically. I always get the story of how as a child he'd point to an ornament and say "no touch" and when asked why he didn't touch he would hit his hand and say "mummy ow", he was 2.5. He doesn't see anything wrong with smacking and tells me I should be smacking J more but J is such a strong willed character that smacking wouldn't work anyway and would instead make him angry and more likely to do something he knows he's not allowed to. But in saying that dh doesn't smack them much, gives a telling off etc but I've gotten the "smacking reflex" out of him. But it's so hard. Oh he also tells me he's thankful his mom smacked him, and he's being serious. __________________ Rach wife to Andrew Mama to Miss A 2007 Mr N 2009 Mr J 2010 Miss S 2013 Miss N - 2016 6 angels waiting with the Lord "Looking off unto Jesus my spirit is blessed, In the world i have turmoil ; In him i have rest, While the sea of my life all about me may roar, When i look unto Jesus i see it no more"

11-18-2014, 06:43 AM	#14
ThreeKids Rose Garden Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: .. Posts: 10,737	Re: Toddlers and Obedience Spanking doesn't produce obedience. It can produce compliance in the short term. Obedience is a heart issue and spanking for compliance is about producing an externally observable behavior. If there is the threat of coercion, the dynamic that implies spanking for non-compliance is taking away the child's opportunity to obey. __________________ DS (12), DD (10), DD2 (7) And my kids were going to behave perfectly all the time and if they didn't, they'd be Dobsoned, but I was going to Dobson so perfectly that they'd know not to slip up but once or twice because I was going to be sooooooo consistent and awesome and wise.

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