PD Tools Week 1

[MrsDuck]

I've been thinking about this all week, but I feel like I'm having trouble putting it into practice. Fwiw I don't think a cool off time in a bedroom is missing the window. I think what happens after everyone is cooled off is what matters. The time in the bedroom is just the closest we can get to a pause button sometimes.

I'm really struggling with this though. For example, this week in the pool I had both boys with me and we were in the deep end. Ds1 can swim mostly, but ds2 is in arms and sinks like a rock. So it's time to go, and rather than come with me when I say this ds1 swims the other direction. There needs to be immediate correction here... How do I connect first? He's not a strong enough swimmer to just go off on his own whenever...

So, can you all give some examples of how you've used this tool? Maybe a whole bunch of specific examples will help me internalize it.

[Elspeth]

Originally Posted by Tasmanian Saint

There was an interesting interview on the radio this morning. I only heard bits while driving between clients, but here's what I got from it: this man is a child psychotherapist or something and an expert in real problem kids. The ones they were specifically talking about were the sociopaths-in-the-making. These kids show no guilt or remorse when they do wrong and don't show empathy... So I gather he did some research or observation or something (missed the bit in the middle) and found they didn't have the sort of close relationship with their parents that was needed for true discipline, teaching, to happen. "they don't hear the lesson without the relationship." What was interesting was that this was coming from someone who mostly did standard behaviorist style interventions. Time outs and praise. But he added in eye gazing: getting the parents to take short snippets of time throughout the day to stare into their child's eyes, and this was enough to create loving relationships

That's my long winded way of saying that I'm adding eye gazing to my mental list of connection activities

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Maybe I'm weird, but I would hate doing that. I hated having to make eye contact as a kid, and definitely struggle with it as an adult.

Originally Posted by rcsmom

I find that usually I need to take a time out before I can connect when something big happens. I have been sending DS1 to his bed- not as a punishment but more as a lets cool down and then we can talk type thing. I wonder though if I am missing my window of opportunity? I mean maybe I should be connecting before? I don't know. I have a hot temper and that is really hard for me to do.

I send my kids to their rooms when they are melting down. It also helps to give me a minute to cool off too.

Originally Posted by bentlaj11

I've struggled w/ blaming and wanting my kids to feel remorse (and they probably aren't even there developmentally ). It's so hard to break out of the "you need to pay for whatever you've done" mentality I've been trying to work on "it doesn't matter who did what, let's see what we can do to fix it".

It's hard for me to get past that too. You'd think it wouldn't be, considering we are pardoned from our sin/guilt by God, so it makes sense for us as parents to not hold a "sin" over our children. It's waaay harder to live it every day. If my child shows remorse, then I know that they know they've done something wrong. If they don't show remorse, how do I help them see that what they did was wrong? I'm not going to spank them until they're sorry. I don't want to verbally shame them.

Originally Posted by silverlining

I find my own desire to blame is a signal that I need a time out before dealing with whatever the situation is. Interestingly, those times when I'm really upset, I have occasionally found myself calling DD by my younger sister's name--it's like I'm 10 years old again yelling that it's all her fault. Clearly, I'm not operating in my calm adult mind, nor am I feeling connected to the child in front of me.

I have done that! My boys strongly resemble my younger brothers in appearance. I've caught myself switching their names, too.

[knitlove]

I have been doing this sone this week. Trying to cuddle with early bird before I tell her (again) that she maynot swing her belt around.

I don't know how to do it when early bird hits or screams in wiggle worm's face. How do I connect with one when you are comforting the other.

Both girls are teething so every thing has been a bit tense around here.

[bentlaj11]

Originally Posted by MrsDuck

I've been thinking about this all week, but I feel like I'm having trouble putting it into practice. Fwiw I don't think a cool off time in a bedroom is missing the window. I think what happens after everyone is cooled off is what matters. The time in the bedroom is just the closest we can get to a pause button sometimes.

I'm really struggling with this though. For example, this week in the pool I had both boys with me and we were in the deep end. Ds1 can swim mostly, but ds2 is in arms and sinks like a rock. So it's time to go, and rather than come with me when I say this ds1 swims the other direction. There needs to be immediate correction here... How do I connect first? He's not a strong enough swimmer to just go off on his own whenever...

So, can you all give some examples of how you've used this tool? Maybe a whole bunch of specific examples will help me internalize it.

I think the pool example would be more of a potential for danger, just make it happen first (not sure how if there's only one of you and you have to hold DS2)... connect after everyone is in a safe place (dry and fed ). I don't know...

Hopefully someone will have some better examples. The only thing I can think of is most correction/teaching won't happen until everyone is calm and hugs/being held are how we connect. If it's not a matter of big feelings, but just getting (DS1) them to cooperate then I try to get on their level and get them to let me know that they heard me... lately DS1 just needs help to get it done (ready for school/picking up toys). Just rambling here...

[silverlining]

I don't think this is one of those things where every single time you correct the child you have to wait and have a tender moment first. I take it more as a reminder that I need to be connecting with my child throughout the day. When she feels connected to me, she is more likely to care about what she's been taught in the past and to listen to what I say in the present. The connection has to be there for her to respond, but if I've been working on the connection all along, then it will be there to provide the framework she needs to understand that I am not the enemy. I do think it's good to take a moment to connect before correcting, but ideally it shouldn't be necessary (and really isn't possible) every single time.

[bentlaj11]

Originally Posted by Elspeth

Maybe I'm weird, but I would hate doing that. I hated having to make eye contact as a kid, and definitely struggle with it as an adult.


It's hard for me to get past that too. You'd think it wouldn't be, considering we are pardoned from our sin/guilt by God, so it makes sense for us as parents to not hold a "sin" over our children. It's waaay harder to live it every day. If my child shows remorse, then I know that they know they've done something wrong. If they don't show remorse, how do I help them see that what they did was wrong? I'm not going to spank them until they're sorry. I don't want to verbally shame them.

I'm not an eye contact person either, but I've been trying to be more intentional about trying to catch their eyes/smile (little glance).. which usually prompts a smile/hug.

I think (not sure!) that the remorse thing will come w/ maturity (and will be easier for certain personalities than others). I think (again not sure) that just stating "hitting hurts. When you are ready please apologize and make it better." is sufficient. Sometimes they don't ever apologize, but I usually take them playing together as sign that the offended one has forgiven the other (if that makes sense).

[marigold]

Can we brainstorm different ways to establish that connection with our children throughout the day?

We've already come up with making eye contact. We can also physically say "I love you". Hugs, snuggles, physical contact would be another. My kids still have the valentines I made them last year kicking around in which I did acrostics with their names. I know because my daughter pulled out hers the other day and wanted me to read it to her (even though she is fully capable of reading it herself) That could qualify as words of affirmation.

The blame issue is not the topic of the week but it is really resonating with me. Today we were reading in the children's Bible and it was about Adam and Eve. I noticed how after the fall they all started blaming to pass the buck; to cover their own sin. I started wondering if I try to lay the blame on my kids to cover my own failings I'm not sure yet, but it sure is food to ponder.

[knitlove]

Originally Posted by marigold

I started wondering if I try to lay the blame on my kids to cover my own failings I'm not sure yet, but it sure is food to ponder.

I know this is part of it with me.


As far as connection I try to sit down next to early bird while we both read. It is one if her favorite things. It is hard for me to try to not try to get some thing done or talk to her.

[MrsDuck]

I have an example of how we did this once this week...

This was our first week back to school after being on break since thanksgiving. Not only that, but we have all new curriculum. Ds1 is not a big fan of change, so needless to say it has been a bit of a struggle. There has been talk that maybe homeschooling just isn't going to work. Yeah, a "bit of a struggle" is an understatement. After we had gotten past the toe to toe dispute, he and I sat down with the schedule and the calendar, and I let him decide what we are going to do each day. He also mentioned that he doesn't like to see all the rest of the book just looming there for him to do (over the next year) so we agreed to tear out the pages (as appropriate) so he only has to see what's expected of him that day.

We don't do formal school on Fridays, so I have to wait and see if anything improves until next week. But at least we are back on the theoretical same page. And if nothing else, I think we succeeded at connecting better.

[marigold]

Originally Posted by knitlove

I know this is part of it with me.


As far as connection I try to sit down next to early bird while we both read. It is one if her favorite things. It is hard for me to try to not try to get some thing done or talk to her.

I snuggling with my kids and reading. Our homeschool involves a lot of that, which makes us all happy but umm mt laundry is looming after we started back up again this week.

[marigold]

Here is the link for week 2. Come on over.

http://gentlechristianmothers.com/co...67#post5868567

[ShepherdsWife]

I know I'm late to this, but I have been working on this the last month because it was never mirrored to me as a child and I find the connection part hard to do. I have been sending DS to his room to cool off when he starts hitting so I can for a few minutes as well because otherwise I end up doing something that makes us both feel bad. Also, it gives me a chance to take care of the problem(broken glass, screaming baby sister, etc.) and then I can actually focus on him.

Eye gazing is really important I think if it isn't an intimidation factor. I was uncomfortable with it until I realized that all the "look at me in the eyes" in my childhood was never for a loving connection but for intimidation and control. Eye gazing with someone you love is totally different and wonderful

[Tasmanian Saint]

Good point, shepherds wife

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[Bea423]

Originally Posted by MrsDuck

I'm really struggling with this though. For example, this week in the pool I had both boys with me and we were in the deep end. Ds1 can swim mostly, but ds2 is in arms and sinks like a rock. So it's time to go, and rather than come with me when I say this ds1 swims the other direction. There needs to be immediate correction here... How do I connect first? He's not a strong enough swimmer to just go off on his own whenever...

So, can you all give some examples of how you've used this tool? Maybe a whole bunch of specific examples will help me internalize it.

This would fall under "coming again means leaving nicely" category for me. Calmy letting him know before getting in the pool the expectation. "It is my job to keep you safe. To swim in the deep end I need to trust you to stay with me and leave the pool when I say. When you swim away it tells me you aren't ready for the deep end" then if he leaves you again, something like "you didn't leave when I asked and that wasn't safe. Next time we will not be swimming in the deep end." Or something?

ThT is really effective with my kids, it seems to help them think through if making leaving a long process is really helpful and what their actions will mean in the long run.

[Pearl In Oyster]

Lots if great discussion here! I think another element if connection before correction ties in with GOYB parenting: don't yell corrections from across the room, instead approach them, get down on their level, etc.