hoping it gets better...

Hi all,

I'm not sure where to post this, but I'm hoping to hear some encouragement from moms with older kids that it DOES get better! I have three kids and the oldest is 4. I am overwhelmed a lot of days, but we have fun together and I'm trying to remind myself that this time will SOMEDAY seem like it went fast (because right now it can't seem to go fast enough some days). Today is one of those rough days where I feel completely overwhelmed and like I'm failing in every aspect of parenting. Yesterday I read an article where the writer said that her 3 year old daughter tells her that she's the best mom in the world all the time, and I realized my kids have never said anything like that. My love language is definitely words of affirmation, but I feel like I serve and serve and serve and get nothing back. I hope that doesn't sound selfish.

Anyway, since I'm pouring my heart out already, here's a question: have any of you felt like you don't like one of your children? I know I love my middle child, but 90% of the time I don't enjoy her. She is 3 and VERY strong willed and needs a LOT of one on one time. She is extroverted, I'm introverted. She loves to talk and talk and talk, and it is draining to constantly listen and engage with her. For example, today I took her out for special time, just the girls (her and her 1 year old sister). She was so fun and we enjoyed ourselves a lot. As soon as our little date was over, she was back to disobeying and acting out and punching her big brother in the face. I feel like I seriously don't GET this kid. I could literally spend ALL day with her, one on one, and she would still beg for more time and attention. I set aside time every day to spend with her and try to involve her in everything I'm doing (cooking, cleaning, playing, etc) but it never seems to be enough. Is this an age thing?? Will I someday enjoy my kid?? It honestly scares me. I want to have a great relationship with my daughter but it is SO HARD right now.

If you've read this far, thank you for bearing with my craziness! I mostly just needed a vent but if you have any advice or encouragement that would be great too.

[Michele123]

My oldest is not quite three, so I can't address your questions. But I did want to send you some ((hugs))


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[ashbobash]

I hope this doesn't end up sounding DIScouraging, but in my opinion, three is just the worst of the worst developmentally. I have a very high-needs, extroverted, opinionated, intense child (who also has ADHD & adoption issues!) and three years old with him was awful. Misery! Like you, I never felt like I could give enough. The good news is, each year becomes a little easier. He's still intense, but once the struggle of 3 began to clear, the good outweighed the bad. His sense of humor, intelligence and natural gifts become more apparent each year and it's a joy to see him develop. He's now 8. Parenting him takes a lot of energy, but I can honestly say I like AND love him! Hang in there!!!!

One tiny thing that helped was a routine that was predictable and included play time spread throughout the day. It didn't necessarily have to be just the two of us (I had a baby too) but I did have to be fully engaged. My goal was to do the first 15 mins of every hour. It was a LOT to manage. But it did help our relationship.

I love the idea of the first 15 minutes of every hour! I think having something scheduled like that could help me a lot.

She is definitely a homebody, while I like to be out and about always doing something. I have noticed she is more mellow on the days that we stay home, so I'll try incorporating that in more. I remember 3 being VERY trying with my son too, but he is very laid back and mellow so this is a whole new ballgame for me.Thanks for your help!

[ashbobash]

Oh, I thought of one other thing--the mini trampoline! $25. Best money I ever spent! I could turn on music & sit and watch him jump & give lots of "ooohs & ahhhhhs" and "can you do a pattern--1,2,3, toe touch" or whatever & he was just in heaven. Great sensory input & burns energy! And easy on mom

[milkmommy]

having three all that young is just hard! I just have two and only one is a little (the other is entering teendom ) ...
I still get touched out daily yet also feel frustrated with how out of touch my oldest is.
I hear what should be happy feel-y words from my 4 year old all day long. Like I love you mommy your the best mom ever.. Hold me cuddle me blah blah and yet I cant say these make me feel bad but I also often want to scream or roll my eyes and go.. Yea kid whatever or NOW WHAT do you want? Acts of service is likely my strongest love language.. SO when Mom your the BEST is followed by can I have a cheese stick it makes me feel just a bit less "loved" and little more used. I know not to take it personally but it is still draining.

I'm fighting (ummm debating suggesting.. depending on time of day and POV) with my oldest who'd rather sit in her bedroom all day playing on her DS than be outside or even with us. We had 70 degree weather today I think they should be out ALL day... Can't make them though.. *well I could but...*

I think all ages come with something. I love that I can talk openly with my oldest and I get very little Whatever mom or sass from her. I love that soo little makes my younger one sooooo happy. Their is soo much to love and enjoy but yes I still often feel exhausted and just kinda done. I often feel bad about it too.

[WanderingJuniper]

I think I wrote a post almost exactly like that at one point on gcm. For me its my oldest. She is mostly awesome now but at 3yo 6yo and 8yo I reminded myself often that I love this child. The hard work pays off.

[Elspeth]

I have 4 kids, the oldest is 5. Age 3 is hard. It's the hardest, in my experience. They are learning that they have a bit more independence, but still needneedneed a lot from you still. It is draining, especially when your personalities and love languages are different. I'm an introvert, LL is acts of service. My kids are words of affirmation/physical touch and extroverts, so it is hard to balance everyone's needs. Lots of self care, for you. And I agree on the routine - it's something to fall back on. I am very anti-schedule, but my kids need one, if only for the sense of stability that comes from knowing what comes next during the day.

[ValiantJoy07]

I could have written your post 2-3 years ago.

You're pretty much parenting the *hardest ages ever* all at the same time.

4 is so exuberant, sassy, and they still lack impulse control on so many levels.

3 is all of that plus not really having a strong concept of time, every thing is still NOW and they are just so intense.

1 lacks impulse control on all levels, is still even more about NOW, and they are teething and frustrated to boot.



It gets better. I know that that isn't super helpful NOW. But it REALLY REALLY gets so so much more fun. Mine are 7, 5, and 3 (well 2 weeks away) and it is SOOOOO much better. I love it. Still hard but my 5 year old is a delight (which I could and proably did on several occasions vent the exact same things that you wrote in the OP. She was and still can be, EXHAUSTING).

Now she wants to help, she is so much more in control of her body, and she is so much more balanced than she was this time last year (soo so much more!).

Five is magical...I mean it isn't perfect, kids are kids...And they still fight, lose their cool and act like...kids.
But it really is like this new stage of life...They are more independent, they are really starting to take interest in the world outside their head, and they are just so much more interesting to be around.



What helped me through that season (and still helps my introverted self) was self care: mandatory rest time every day.

going and hiding for a while alone when Dh got home every evening.

heading back to bed with every one and a pile of books when the morning got too rough.

addressing sensory needs in my middle dd.

And getting as much sleep as possible (which wasn't a ton)

[twoplustwo]

I only had 2 very young at once, but it DOES get better. Or at least it has for me.

I can't remember the details but at one point I was going through an especially tough time with one of my 2 kids & someone suggested reading Love Languages for kids.

She may have a different love language than you & that might be causing some of her behavior. I know when I switched to whatever kid it was with whatever problem we were having- it made a world of difference.

That probably in conjunction with other stuff (the trampoline, growing up ) might help out. Its worth trying anyway.

Good luck!

[CelticJourney]

I've never had three that young at the same time, but if you want a reeeealllly long range view, I have a 20yo, nearly 17 yo and a 9yo and the payoff of parenting from a place of grace and relationship is MEGA HUGE.

Yesterday I read an article where the writer said that her 3 year old daughter tells her that she's the best mom in the world all the time, and I realized my kids have never said anything like that. My love language is definitely words of affirmation, but I feel like I serve and serve and serve and get nothing back. I hope that doesn't sound selfish.

Be careful of two thing:

Don't take what someone else writes as an absolutely true reflection of what their life looks like. They want you to keep coming back to read more so they might present things idealistically and they might not see the negatives that are wrapped up in that kind of statement. I know it is out of context, but when I read that comment in isolation, I see a child looking for approval from her mother. If reading things like that robs you of positives in your relationship with your kids, do so with a lot of caution.

Second, while it would be great to get affirmation form those to whom we give to over and over and over all day long, it's not their place to fill those needs in us at this point. Parenting is an exercise in delayed gratification. We pour in our love, attention, guidance, service and just about everything we have.... and they continue to be immature and unaware....for longer than we think we can endure. One day it all click in and it's magic.

[Kiara.I]

Originally Posted by Briana

Today is one of those rough days where I feel completely overwhelmed and like I'm failing in every aspect of parenting. Yesterday I read an article where the writer said that her 3 year old daughter tells her that she's the best mom in the world all the time, and I realized my kids have never said anything like that. My love language is definitely words of affirmation, but I feel like I serve and serve and serve and get nothing back.

You know how you referenced love languages? Well...*your* love language is words of affirmation. And so, probably, is that of the child in the article. Your kids' love languages may not be, and they'd be less likely to say stuff like that.

Plus, that kid sounds like a dramatic, extroverted performer.

[mamaKristin]

Oh mama (((hugs)))

I had 3 in 4 years, and it was HARD. As I've told lots of friends, lots of self care, lots of coffee, and there are going to be days with tears...and sometimes the tears are even from the kids!

Honestly, littles at different stages that close together is draining. The years are very very short, yet the days are SO LONG!

What helped me, personally, was taking care of my needs. Making myself a priority was hard, but so very important. Even if I just had DH take the kids to play while I made supper and listened to my OWN music. Or went for a walk by myself after supper. Or drink tea while the kids watched tv for a half hour.

3 year olds are HARD. They have little more self control than 2 year olds do, but with a lot more vocabulary. It can be exhausting. When my most extroverted, chatty child was 3, I did a lot of handing her a comb, and telling her to brush my hair and "play spa" with me. Then I could sit with her for 15 minutes, let her get her chatty out, and tactile interaction, while just sitting and focusing on her (and closing my eyes and relaxing too - helps that my hair isn't easy to tangle ) I really found building time like that with my kids into each day helped. Actually, really just building structure into my day in general, routine times for things like outings, meals, quiet time, snacks, reading. That helped the children know what was coming, and kept me sane too.

My kids are now almost 13, 10, and 9, and it's fabulous. I love, love, love having them this close in age, and where they are. Actually, things have been mostly relaxed since my youngest turned 5 or so. Not EASY, but way less brain numbing HARD. I do love that I can look back at when they were tiny and have no real regrets about my parenting. Being non-punitive, and gentle (yet firm) was hard, but I think has helped my kids become who they are, and helped shaped me into the mother I am today.

Oh my gosh, mamas, I am sitting here with a huge smile and tears in my eyes reading your replies. It is all SO encouraging! I know in my heart it will get better, but the day to day is what's hard right now. It is helpful to hear and KNOW that it gets better. Thank you for your kind words!

[Allison]

Hugs, mama!

I once had three children four and under. I desperately wanted to know that it gets easier. Moms of older kids would tell me that it doesn't get easier, it gets different. They were wrong.

It DOES get easier and it DOES get WAY better!

My youngest is the only extravert in our family. He was incredibly taxing as a toddler and preschooler, despite being my easiest baby. (He didn't get overwhelmed or overstimulated like his introverted older brothers did as babies.)

Giving him plenty of time outside and lots of time doing things like jumping on the trampoline. He also loved to build and that's about the only time he would be still and quiet. He has a great imagination.

By the time he was between 7-8, like magic, he became bearable. I always say that my children become "human" at age 7. They all became much more enjoyable at that age. Toddlers and preschoolers -- even the introverted ones -- are just a lot of work. They just are. Fortunately, they are stinking adorable and squishy and funny, too.

Take it hour by hour every day. Be aware of the hours that pass without incident; the hours where you connect with her or at least don't have conflict with her. That will help to balance the times when she is more difficult.

Hang in there, mama. It does get better.