Another question...

[Bea423]

I'm sorry to be posting so much. You guys are my GBD lifeline right now. I'm lost and struggling not to respond how I was raised (yelling, shaming, threats).

How do you respond to rude words? Ex: 5:45 am 3 yo wakes up and asks to play a game on my phone loudly. I respond "please use a quiet voice, your brother is sleeping. It's too early for a game please lay quietly. You may read." This triggers loud crying and whining and a bunch of "but I want to". I respond with "you need to be quiet" he is not stopping and I am losing my cool and say "HUSH" and he says "you shut up! No I won't!".
And this repeats until brother is woken up and his rude/angry words are escalating.
How would you respond? I don't even have a script for this stuff because I don't feel he should be saying those things. He is constantly correcting us (if we firmly and calmly address his brother he's say "Daddy, don't talk to him that way!")?

I know part of it is me. I've been so at my limit lately with the constant fits and meltdowns and anger (I mentioned in other posts how intense life has been here)... Plus my own emotions dealing with my husband leaving and coming back and all of it... I'm responding better now but need to know how to respond to him now. Do I just ignore it?



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[Aerynne]

First of all, big hugs to you! Paradigm shifts are hard!

If I have one loud child and one sleeping child, I'll generally pick the loud child up and take them out of the room to talk about it. And I don't know if reflecting feelings is a familiar concept to you, but you'd say "You really want to play that game on Mama's phone. You love ____ game and it's so fun for you! It's so hard to wait until later to play it!" (don't add "but baby is asleep so you can't"- you already said that. Just end it on a note of understanding what he is feeling)

[marbles]

Originally Posted by Aerynne

First of all, big hugs to you! Paradigm shifts are hard!

If I have one loud child and one sleeping child, I'll generally pick the loud child up and take them out of the room to talk about it. And I don't know if reflecting feelings is a familiar concept to you, but you'd say "You really want to play that game on Mama's phone. You love ____ game and it's so fun for you! It's so hard to wait until later to play it!" (don't add "but baby is asleep so you can't"- you already said that. Just end it on a note of understanding what he is feeling)

Same. I will try to give the awake one something to do or check on outside of the room, or get up with him/her. My younger one was a really good sleeper, so I'd tell my older we could talk quietly in the bed, or she could bring me a book to read quietly. I don't know how old yours are, mine are 4 and 2.5. This was when DC was in the bed with me, but they share a room now. It became less of an issue the further away he got from babyhood. There was also just a learning period of my older learning that baby is a person and she needed to be quiet/careful/gentle/whatever.
Sometimes my kids will talk to me in a way we consider unacceptable. We say (sternly, but not angrily, or we try) "It is unacceptable to speak to me that way. You may say 'yes, maam' or 'ok mom'" and then if the child is still going I separate us, either by me leaving or asking (making) the child leave. I tell them they can come back when they are ready to follow the rules. One of the few rules in our house is to be kind and we go over the rules often, if they can't be kind then that means they need alone time. Usually for ours, it really does mean they need a break from interaction, so it's not a time out. It really is a break until they are feeling ok again. I don't reward that kind of speaking, either, so if they are asking for something or telling me they won't do something, I will not give them what they want until they can ask/say/respond properly. They don't have to be all smiles, but they can't be mean or rude.

[MamaSam]

I was raised with a lot of yelling, fighting,etc and it's hard to not yell at my boys..especially when stressed.

I don't really have any advice because sometimes I do just snap and yell,but I wanted you to know you aren't alone.

What is GBD?

[Kiara.I]

Originally Posted by Bea423

How do you respond to rude words?

Remind him they're rude, script, and move on.

Originally Posted by Bea423

How would you respond? I don't even have a script for this stuff because I don't feel he should be saying those things.

Script: "You may not use those words. You may say, 'Mommy, I didn't want to.'"

About "shouldn't be saying those things." The times I have the hardest time parenting are when my *expectations* aren't being met. Why shouldn't he? If you can explore *what* about it is triggering you, you can start to dismantle the trigger. Is it "kids shouldn't talk like that"? Is it "he's too young"? Is it "his job is to obey me without question"? Is it just plain "you're being inconvenient right now"? (That's a HUGE trigger for me. Huge. )

Originally Posted by Bea423

He is constantly correcting us (if we firmly and calmly address his brother he's say "Daddy, don't talk to him that way!")?

How amazing that you have a child who will champion a sibling! What a wonderful, amazing gift he has of being willing to face hardship for the sake of others! Seriously, it is a wonderful, wonderful thing. Honor it. Cherish it. Nurture it. And guide it into more mature, appropriate paths. But if you approach it knowing it's a *strength*, then that's a lot easier to do than if you're trying to stamp it out.

Originally Posted by Bea423

I know part of it is me. I've been so at my limit lately with the constant fits and meltdowns and anger (I mentioned in other posts how intense life has been here)... Plus my own emotions dealing with my husband leaving and coming back and all of it... I'm responding better now but need to know how to respond to him now. Do I just ignore it?

Do you have a counselor? Can you? You've dealt with SO much stress, and must have so much emotional energy swirling around...it would really be helpful for you to have a place away from the children where you can process it safely.

---------- Post added at 10:25 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:24 AM ----------

Originally Posted by MamaSam

What is GBD?

GBD is Grace-Based Discipline.

[Bea423]

Kiara- everything you said hit home. It brought tears to my eyes. I *love* that he stands up for his family and that he remembers them (if he gets a treat alone with me at the store he asks to bring one home for his brother type stuff). You are spot on with all of your trigger questions. All of the above... Except that I don't really feel that way. 3 months in a very punitive home (my inlaws) and it was said almost daily "get a handle on that" or "he will never respect you if you don't teach him now"... And it's brought confusion. I need to keep working to purge whatever punitive thoughts are in my head. It did create a fear that he is "too young" or "too bold" etc... And is definitely more about delivery then anything else. And truth be told.. The tone and attitude is an ugly reflection of my own short comings lately. That is definitely a trigger and I feel so ashamed that I've allowed that to be a part of my "tool box" the last 3 months. I don't want that for them or for me.

I sort of have a mentor over the phone but that may have fallen through. I need to find someone else.




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---------- Post added at 11:05 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:03 AM ----------

I don't know what I'd do without this community right now. I'm so glad you all are here and willing to offer support.


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