Siblings fighting over toys- at my limit

[Stefanierose88]

So I gave birth two weeks ago to baby Z and I have my 3yr old Noemi and 20 month old Liora. They play together often but the past week its been REALLY hard because they are fighting over toys practically non stop. its been causing me a ton of stress and today I yelled at them in a way I haven't in a long time. I didn't say anything horrible "BOTH OF YOU STOP NOW" but it was my voice that was upsetting (to us all).

I hate being that mom, and I don't want to be my mom is watching them until 9pm tonight and I feel almost sick with anxiety. I want to do better for them, but its so hard.

Li is in a "mine" phase. She literally says "mine" all day long. Whenever Noemi has a toy, Liora yells "mine!" and tries to take it, which causes Noemi to pull it back and then they physically attack each other while screaming and crying until I run over to them and take the toy.

I don't know what else to do because Li will not leave Noemi alone. I know its unfair to Noemi.

I threw the toy they were fighting over in the trash while I was upset, immature and impulsive, but I seriously cant stand this fighting anymore! they never fought this often before.

[Beth1231]

Newborn,almost two and three?
If only I could offer more than hugs. That is seriously in the trenches and although my spacing is different,please please extend yourself grace. My kids watched tv and ate who knows what for about three months after my third was born. And yours are so little and needing you for just about everything still.
I hope some mamas with closer spacing can offer help with toys.

[mamacat]

Hard ages and spacing.do you have any help during day to get them outdoors?

[WanderingJuniper]

Beth has wise words. You are currently in what I called the survival years. Mine were 3, 13 mo & nb. There was a lot of less than awesome actions from me because of the pp hormones and intense needs of many very young children. You essentially have three babies. 3yo are still very very little.

Practical advice. Without emotion set the toy aside, not in the trash but out of sight/reach. Bait and switch by playing up a different toy for a child. Distract one of the children through one on one time. I still do this last one with my tweens. I call one over to me to "help" me with a mundane task I don't really need help with or ask them to Play blocks with me or something that is a but feels special to them and disengages them from the argument.

[Aerynne]

Could you sometimes let the 3yo play with things in a locked room, or does she not want to be alone?

[Bea423]

Wow this is one of the things happening in my house right now! Im losing my mind lol! Mine are 3, 23 months and 4 weeks. No real advice... Just know you aren't alone. I just put a toy they've been fighting for off and on for days up on the fridge. I haven't been letting them play without me present for days... My 3 yo refuses to play alone so no separating them... The intensity from the both of them in all their needs is... HUGE. Ill be following the responses on this one!

[Aerynne]

okay, radical idea that you may not be game for, but I have heard fighting decreases if you literally take away all their toys. Then they supposedly don't fight but find other things to do (and I've heard kids aren't even all that upset about it). It might be hard to try with a newborn, but it may work perfectly.

[Allison]

Oh, mama. You are definitely in survival mode! The good news is that it doesn't last forever. The bad news is that what's happening right now is going to keep happening for a while.

My advice is to accept that they will fight over toys. Neither child is old enough to be able to share consistently and not to feel possessive over anything they decide belongs to them.

If you don't mind the wailing that will ensue if you do this, I suggest gently, but firmly, taking away any toy that is being fought over and saying in a matter-of-fact way, "Oh, too much noise." The toy is put away and eventually added back into the rotation.

That's the stop-the-fighting-fast response.

Alternately, you can distract the youngest with another fun project, or a snack, etc. Likely the three year old will follow out of curiosity and that's fine.

The point is to control your own reactions, be as proactive as possible with keeping them away from each other and not give too much attention to the fighting. They think it's a HUGE deal. It really isn't in the grand scheme of the rest of their lives. Show them that it's not a big deal by handling it matter-of-factly.

I remember these days all too well.

[mamacat]

again wondering if you can have a tween mothers helper to help you and play with them outside if weather permits.At that age sometimes better just to have large motor skill things to do,books on tape,DVDs that either help them to have quiet times or get them dancing. I knew a mom years ago that had twins and she asked for duplicate toys for Birthday and Christmas .can understand why

[Stefanierose88]

thank you for letting me know that I am at least not alone and it really *is* just hard! lol

I have been focusing on my emotions and some major "fight inducing" toys have been put away for now.

Ugh, it is just their ages...they are so little

My mom has been helping as much as she can but she goes back to work very soon and wont be around nearly as much. Hubby helps a lot but I am the main caregiver

the baby is easy peasy compared to the toddlers! lol she just nurses, poops, sleeps. haha

[mamacat]

Rest up and heal as much as you can while mom is available to help with toddlers and household needs so you will be better able to cope once she goes back to work