Severe Seperation Anxiety/Emotions

[Bea423]

Its been so long since Ive been on here... I had forgotten what a blessing you all are! Its been encouraging reading through your posts. Im sorry this is long...

A little back story... My oldest is newly 3 years old and my second will be 2 in august. I just had our first little girl who is almost 4 weeks old. In the last 10 months we have experienced tremendous stress and change. My husband was released from the military and we moved in with my mom (all of us in one room), my husband left for school... Then did not come back and decided he wanted a divorce, we moved in with his family because he was closer to the boys (very punitive minded home, joyful but stressful, picked up ugly behaviors there and I picked up some of the punitive mindset which I have now purged again), then he saw the boys about 4 times in 3 months for a day and a half at a time. Then I had the baby and my husband realized he didn't really want to lose his family and we are now living with him again. And he works 70 hr weeks and is sometimes out of town for 6 days at a time. So there is the "scene".

Needless to say my very tender 3 year old son has reached his limit. We have gentle parented from the beginning (though Ive messed up a few times and allowed the punitive mindset back in, especially the last 3 months) and we have rarely struggled with setting limits with him. When his dad is gone any kind of boundary triggers huge outbursts. Kicking, punching, scratching and screaming at me has become an almost once daily accurance. It is so bad that I have to hold his hands, legs AND fingers as he will try to scratch me while Im holding his hands. He also as of today started trying to head butt me. When possible I do not try to hold him, however... Usually moving away/blocking or removing him isn't enough. After these outbursts there is almost always broken sobs and cuddles while he tells me he needs his dad. My husband has talked with him, apologized, we assure him throughout the day when he is coming home... But this is very obviously anxiety. It even happened once in the car when my husband ran into Walmart. He lashed out then immediately began to cry from panic that he couldn't see him.

How should I respond to this? I usually say "You are angry. I wont let you hit me, you may hit the bed of pillow. I am here." Then cuddles and validating. While he is hitting me though he is almost frightening to me in that he will laugh sometimes or tell me he will never stop hitting me. I don't know how to respond to that.

When I ask him to do something he often responds now by saying "NEVER" yelling or not. I almost always have to help him comply. Every single time.

He has completely lost the ability to control his body when respecting others space. I have to physically stop him from playing with his younger brother when it is asked that he stop (tickling, wrestling, taking toys...). This isn't usually out of anger but like there is no self control there. Which is relatively new in the last 2 months and getting worse despite active intervention. This is getting to the point where I cannot leave him alone with my 2 year old and my 2 year old often doesn't want to play with him. The scenario just now was my 3 yo being a bear and growling/crawling (he is very...dramatic in his pretending) towards 2 yo.
2 year old is screaming STOOOOOOP and 3 yo is continuing to advance towards him and 2 yo is backed against the wall in tears by the time I make it in there to intervene. 3 yo is pretending to claw him. I have to physically move 3oy old away and separate them because as soon as I walk away he starts again. I did calmly expresss that 2 yo did not want to play bear right now and was asking him to stop and offered to let him play bear somewhere else. He said no Ill stop.

He has stopped sleeping. He wakes between 430-530 am. Only sleeping till 7 on sundays when my husband has his day off. This happens regardless of room darkness, bed time, nap or no nap (naps are a must though or its worse) or how much activity happened that day. He is clearly tired to me as he is usually showing signs of exhaustion by 1030 am and will nap from 11-12 to 1-2.

He has started getting angry when he is accidentally hurt. He will yell in his brothers or my face when an accident happens. He tenses his body and yells and growls. I don't know quite how to respond as it is definitely a more than necessary response.

Im feeling lost. Consistency is really not a big issue though its definitely a challenge right now with a newborn to care for. My issue is I don't now how to respond to the constant intensity of feelings. I want to validate them but I also need to teach him that he cant yell in his brothers face or hit back, when we firmly correct him he tells us "don't talk to me that way!" (something we have said recently because of his constant yelling/defying) but again.. no idea what to say to rudeness! I try scripting him but he will often refuse to "try again". Anyway... Im lost. My husband is lost... we have no idea how to handle this from a gbd standpoint. I grew up in an extremely punitive/permissive home and his family was very punitive and outward behavior focused family. HELP please. This is definitely turning into a discipline problem on our end. Last thing... Most of this resolves itself when my husband is home. Though we still need more than normal "help" for him to comply.

[WanderingJuniper]

That is a ton for such a little guy to deal with and to add the intensity of year 3 to it all.

Maybe someone else will have practical help that can give you more tools because I've been there with a 3yo with anxiety (without all the extra you've had going on) and two littles ( a 1yo & newborn at the time). It is exhausting and makes one weary but it is worth pushing through and making the effort.

Is dad able to connect with son at some point during the day when he is at work? I remember my husband calling or texting during lunch most days to say hi to us including our 3yo.

[Kiara.I]

That is a ton, and I don't have any great global advice.

Just a couple of little things that jumped out:
First, 3 is a *challenging* age. For all parents. Veteran parents shiver in fear, at 3. (Well, not really, but it *is* a challenging age.)

Don't require him to try again when you're scripting. Just script and move on.

How much physical activity is he getting? Can you get him more? Can you run him until he drops? Heavy body work is good. Get him to push loaded laundry baskets around, climb up things...activities that really make his muscles work.

There are some flower remedies that help with anxiety. I don't know them, really, but if you post in the Natural Health section asking specifically about that, probably some of our really knowledgeable mamas will spot it.

[sweetpeasmommy]

3 is a bear.

If I were going to recommend a flower remedy it would be baby blue eyes for father issues. And probably something for fear of abandonment. I'd have to look that up.

[Bea423]

He's not getting enough physical activity... We just moved into an apartment 3 weeks ago and we have one car with no parks near by. He gets to wrestle with my hubby, runs around the house a lot... We go to the park once or twice a week when I have a car.

I'll look I to the herbal mixtures. Right now we are using essential oils and rescue remedy. This morning he started crying at 530 (when my hubby leaves for work) and at 7 am is still crying on and off "daddyyyy...!!!" Though again, mostly when I told him we weren't turning the tv on and the wake up time is at 7 (he can lay quietly and read).

3 has definitely been challenging so far. I feel like my sweet kid has disappeared.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

---------- Post added at 07:03 AM ---------- Previous post was at 05:10 AM ----------

Ladies... I am worn out. Im struggling to even want to connect with me 3 yo and 2 yo. Mostly my 3 yo though. The emotions are ALL. THE. TIME. This morning he cried starting at 530 am. In my bed, because hes refusing to sleep in his own and we are exhausted (I transitioned them about 2 months ago from our bed to their own. Its been fine until this last move). Then at 7 am when it was time to finally get up it was crying and whining and yelling for 20 minutes while I made oatmeal and cut up cantelope for breakfast. Then crying because we couldn't turn on the tv. Then fighting because 3 yo wouldn't leave 2 yo alone. And on and on and on. I feel like I've lost all control over my home. I feel like my kids are running it and I have no idea how that happened or what to do. Honestly, I passionately believe in GBD but spanking... Its tempting enough that Ive slipped up a couple times. Im SO tired. I feel like a horrible mom because I am threatening to spank and starting to yell and have spanked a couple times. We moved to Wisconsin, I don't know anyone, I have no car to go to the park... I have no family here. My husband and I get no time together which is really important as we have so much to work through and mend. The crying ALL THE TIME has me so on edge I can hardly form a full thought. I have burned every meal weve eaten for days because I literally can't focus through the CRYING.

[WanderingJuniper]

Super gentle hugs for you. You have all the right things going on in your life to face PPD. Is it something you considered?

[Bea423]

I don't think so... I had it with my last baby and so far don't feel how I did. Though I'm definitely stressed and tired!

I'm honestly just overwhelmed with the intensity of my sons emotions and don't know how to help him. I read through some other posts on here and have some ideas. I'm going to start a preschool type schedule for at home, give him some herbal teas in the morning/evening and do my best to get myself back to consistent calm and gentle responses. I haven't threatened at all today nor have I yelled... I see a difference already. In them and myself.

Any other ideas? I'm trying to think of ways for my son to start feeling more secure in his relationship with his father during the night and during the day time at work and during the times he's out of town (about to leave Wednesday to Saturday).


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[danou]

Hugs dear mama. I can relate to big transitions happening to 3 year olds. We had huge life changing events when eldest was 3. I feel your pain. I'm wondering if daddy can sleep with 3 (&2 ) yr olds? I'm thinking along the lines of baby nurses mom more at night after she's gone back to work. Would that night time connection possibly help strengthen the connection? You have a lot of plates spinning right now and it feels like so few options. I don't have a lot of super practical advice other than monitor yourself closely for depression. Praying for your little family.


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Dtswife]

Can he Skype with his dad in the afternoon?

[mamacat]

Big hugs for all of you and of course he is responding to all the stress and change in a 3 yr old fashion. If he isnt ok with being in own bed/room right now woud consider setting up a bed in your room for him/them for this season.Or having an evening cuddle time where you are nursing baby and 2 7 3 yr olds on either side while maybe listening to a book on tape and when they are asleep YOU going to other bed with baby. Is there a toddler loving tween can come over and play with toddlers for a bit in afternoons? Things like rebounders are good.I would not try to do a while lot of behavior modification at this time and go into a survival mode just doing what you can for everyone to get rest and be protected.Would also not at age 3 ask him to do things - just tell him what you are going to do or is time to do. If you can get ahold of a rebounder would be great!

[Bea423]

I don't know how to do quotes while on my phone so I'll just answer

I just moved here and don't know anyone so there is no one to come over and help.

I sit with them (or my husband does when he's home) until they fall asleep. Usually they join us in our bed by 11. Very frustrating but apparently unavoidable right now. It's really important to me that they still go to bed in their beds though. I need those couple of hours to spend with my husband.

What is a rebounder? The bare minimum is I guess what I'm asking about. Nearly everything is a fight right now. When he lacks self control to keep his hands to himself, not take toys... And one or two "helps" isn't enough what's the next step? If I put him in his room to play alone and calm down he panics and things escalate.

If he screams in my or his brothers face, how should I respond?







Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

[Amber]

You have a 3yo, a 2yo and a newborn...and you have been through a lot of major life changes. It is okay right now to live in survival mode.

I would try to change up sleeping arrangements. Like others have said if DH can sleep with him that may help him feel more connected.

One thing that really helped my guys when they were in very physical phases was to do a lot of sensory play. Finger painting, play-doh, bean bins, mud, sand, playing with different textures, rolling him up in a blanket like a burrito etc.

When he gets in his brother's face and screams I would get down on his level and give him the words to say "You are angry that brother took your car. You need to stay "Stop, I'm playing with that." I would no require him to repeat the script, but be prepared that you are going to script a million and one times...but they will eventually start to catch on.

When my boys were 3 and 1yo I started working on teaching them to say "Stop" and hold out their hand as a stop sign. This gave me the extra second I needed to get over to them and help them work through the problem before it became a physical altercation.

Things that can get big energy out while you are inside - mini indoor trampolines (rebounders), put the couch cushions on the floor and have them hop like frogs from one to the next, jumping on the bed (one at a time), set up and course around the House having to move like different animals, Simon Says or Mother May I. Always have them play in the same room that you are in so you can intervene quickly when things head south.

It is so hard to parent toddlers when you also have a newborn to take care of. It is okay to let them watch TV if you need too.

[mamacat]

If you could set up a twin sized bed for them at least that way when they do come in you all have more room and options you and baby in smaller bed - kids in twin or dh in twin.rebounder is a mini trampoline.We have an older one and my neighbor used to bring her toddler over to jump.They are awesome for indoor exercise and burning off stress