dealing with defiance or ?

[greenishmama]

I know defiance is a huge word here. But not sure what else to call it. When you tell your child not to do something and they do it anyway. Or you tell them to stop and they just continue.

for example, what should a consequence be (or otherwise how to deal with) for say a 6 yr old who continues to push a button in the camper when he is told not to. Or is told to leave the hose off and he does not. ??

He is constantly doing things he shouldn't lately. sometimes out of being too curious and other times when he knows he should not. And he doesn't seem to care when he does something wrong. When talking to him he makes faces, rolls eyes, laughs. He laughs when something goes wrong for someone else whether it be older brother or me or DH.

Both of my children seem out of control to me lately. And I really don't get what how to deal with them without imposed consequences like time outs or taking away a privilege, etc.

[Kiara.I]

I'm frustrated lately too. You know what I've noticed? It's always easier to figure out the answers in theory than when it's your kids actually doing something. So how about I solve your problem, and you solve mine?

If he continues to push a button, walk him away from it. It sounds like he's bored, and needs something to do. Suggest an alternate activity. Oh, and remember that 6 is like two 3-year-olds.

For the laughing...I'd remind him it's unkind and otherwise mostly ignore it. That might not be the right solution, though.

[Hermana Linda]

That sounds very stressful. I have no answers for you at this time, so I'm going to share some links which I believe you might find helpful.

Is Defiance Real?


…And I’m the Strict One!


If Gentle Parenting Isn't Working, This Might Be The Reason


Tools For Your Toolbox


How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So They Will Talk

[flowermama]

It can be so hard and discouraging when they seem out of control. It's great you are looking for discipline tools.

I hope you don't mind more links but have you tried the five steps? "you need to...." etc.?

Regarding the idea of defiance, I really like how Crystal explains it here: http://www.gentlechristianmothers.co...d.php?t=165271

I love the book that Linda mentioned, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So They Will Talk. Such a great book.

This blog post by MaybeGrace has some alternatives to timeouts that might be helpful to you: http://hippiehousewife.blogspot.com/...time-outs.html

[greenishmama]

Originally Posted by Kiara.I

I'm frustrated lately too. You know what I've noticed? It's always easier to figure out the answers in theory than when it's your kids actually doing something. So how about I solve your problem, and you solve mine?

If he continues to push a button, walk him away from it. It sounds like he's bored, and needs something to do. Suggest an alternate activity. Oh, and remember that 6 is like two 3-year-olds.

For the laughing...I'd remind him it's unkind and otherwise mostly ignore it. That might not be the right solution, though.

thanks. the walking away type thing doesn't seem to work. Today we were sweeping the camper and I was up at the front and heard something loud across street but then felt the camper floor vibrating. didn't know what it was. then in walking the other way realized he had hit the button for the water pump (he had been told not to numerous times while camping) and so the pump was running with no water which can burn it out. His pushing it today was not really a defiant sort of thing (and I disagree with that link that was posted in a reply and believe that children and adults can indeed be defiant. My 50 yr old brother is! (the article says no one ever says adults are defiant). My ds (6) seems to have a poor memory- seriously. I'm starting to get concerned about it.
but... there are other times he is just refusing to stop doing things he is asked to refrain from or doing things on purpose that he does know he is not supposed to.

that 6 yr old is like 2 3 yr olds definitely seems accurate lately!

[Hermana Linda]

At this stage, he definitely needs a lot of supervision!

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[greenishmama]

Originally Posted by Hermana Linda

At this stage, he definitely needs a lot of supervision!

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My older son did not. That is what is so startling to us sometimes. We just aren't prepared for some of his behaviors because no. 1 seems to have good sense about things and is cautious and a natural sense of what he should and shouldn't do. But the 6 yr old is suddenly like a different kid lately. the past couple months. no major life changes or anything.

[Hermana Linda]

In my experience, siblings who are similar are less common than those who are drastically different.

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[greenishmama]

Originally Posted by flowermama

It can be so hard and discouraging when they seem out of control. It's great you are looking for discipline tools.

I hope you don't mind more links but have you tried the five steps? "you need to...." etc.?

Regarding the idea of defiance, I really like how Crystal explains it here: http://www.gentlechristianmothers.co...d.php?t=165271

I love the book that Linda mentioned, How To Talk So Kids Will Listen And Listen So They Will Talk. Such a great book.

This blog post by MaybeGrace has some alternatives to timeouts that might be helpful to you: http://hippiehousewife.blogspot.com/...time-outs.html

the five steps don't really work with this.... do they?
the boys play this game of hitting each other on the butt-like a "you can't get me" type thing. they seem to find it amusing, younger will playfully tease older to do it. but... 50% of the time it ends badly. and older seems a bit passive aggressive sometimes and hits pretty hard. because it so often gets out of hand or is being played at inappropriate times (when trying to get ready to get out the door, etc) I've told them they can't play it anymore (mostly because it ends badly and because of the extra hard hitting). but they do it anyway. They've been told many times not to do it/play it. even if one of them asks for it. but they do it anyway. It's one thing to do the 5 steps with a behavior that you want them to DO but how does it work for something you want them to NOT do? and they've already done it? what is the consequence for doing something you've been told not to do? there is no "natural" consequence that I can think of.

oh- that reminds me, what would a "natural" consequence be for peeing right on the middle of a hiking trail after being spoken to and taught to go off the trail and into a private place? He was peeing all over the place when we went camping. It seemed he was delighting in peeing in places he knew he should not. (this was a campground and public hiking trails- not off in the remote wildnerness). can't do the 5 steps while they are in the act of peeing can you? doesn't seem like a good idea to me. so then what?

[Hermana Linda]

The consequence my boys would get would be me keeping them very close and monitored at all times.

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[greenishmama]

Originally Posted by Hermana Linda

The consequence my boys would get would be me keeping them very close and monitored at all times.

Posted from my mobile phone by Tapatalk

they are. it doesn't matter. these things could happen while standing next to them. I could be filling a glass of water at the sink and this is going on behind me.
being close doesn't do much. they do what they do. I deal with it after the fact.... but no advice so far.

[sweetpeasmommy]

You sound really frustrated.

Natural consequence to the but hitting game is not being allowed in the same room as the other child until you can use your hands appropriately. Peeing on the trail means we don't go or you get to wear overalls which are less cute the older you are. Or you can be stuck holding my hand so I can be close enough to see if you are getting ready to relieve yourself and redirect to somewhere appropriate. If the butt smacking might go on while you are getting a glass of water, someone comes with you to get a glass of water.

Even with a special needs kiddo, tightening up the boundaries big time for a few days always helps. It's the keeping them tight because he will forever push things that gets me. He does better and I become more flexible. Cause that seems reasonable at the time. Truly though if you have a boundary pusher, set the boundary a few steps before where you need it to be. If they push it, you correct it remind them of the consequence and proactively help them to stay within the boundary.

I don't call it defiance in adults or kids. Some people are wired to be oppositional and that's what I call it. In my head, not usually out loud. It's also a quality that can be used for good. Many people who have brought about huge changes in the world simply wouldn't accept the status quo. It's frustrating to parent that kid, but it CAN be a good thing.

TBH, that sounds like blatant defiance. Your boy needs some kind of reality check or he's going to be pretty arrogant as he grows. Maybe a Christian camp or military camp where he can connect with God and learn about the error of his ways. I would come down hard on that kind of behavior and use a LOT of consistency.

[Hermana Linda]

Originally Posted by })i({HeGaveMeWings})i({

TBH, that sounds like blatant defiance. Your boy needs some kind of reality check or he's going to be pretty arrogant as he grows. Maybe a Christian camp or military camp where he can connect with God and learn about the error of his ways. I would come down hard on that kind of behavior and use a LOT of consistency.

We are all discussing addressing the situation. Nobody is suggesting she ignore it. However, I really don't think a 6 year old is ready for boot camp. And many, if not most, of those Christian Camps which claim to help defiant children are very abusive.

[Codi]

A 6 year olds reality is much different than an adults. And six is NOTORIOUSLY hard.

I have a few ideas. I'll see if I can post them before the board closes tonight.

One thing to do straight away, make some sort of cover for the water pump button.

Six Year Old Stickie

A Thread on Parenting the Persistent Child