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Old 03-28-2012, 10:28 PM   #1
mollobe
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Default Should we add to our family?

Bear with me while I try to organize my thoughts about the possibility of having another baby:

DH and I have been thinking a lot about whether or not we want to have any more biological children. I'm 32, so we've got time, but we've always talked about foster care and/or adoption, too, so...all the details of going either (or both) direction is just so overwhelming!

On one hand, I'd love to be pregnant again, give birth again, and have a newborn again.

On the other hand, I'm not super excited about being pregnant and giving birth again because the other two were such great experiences (for the most part) so it scares me that something might go wrong.

If we adopt, it will be domestic, likely through the foster care system. This not only takes time, it also means potentially fostering many children before "the one/s" come into our home. If we adopt, I'd ideally like to adopt 2 so that they have each other for going through those inevitable hard adoption issues while growing up. But if we have another bio child, it will push that adoption/fostering dream back at least a few more years because I prefer being under 35 if I'm going to get pregnant again, and that brings us to having what I feel like is too many (5) children (for us).

I feel like I'm at war with myself daily over this - seeing a little baby makes me all gooey, and then I yell at the two I have over something and immediately feel guilty and can't believe that I'd want to add another soul to my questionable parenting.

Having 2 kids is awesome. We fit nicely in a car. When we're out DH and I each have one to be "in charge" of. There's one of each gender so I don't feel any sort of need to "keep trying" as some do. I can handle them alright on my own on short trips to the store or even for a week or 2 at a time (DH travels for work sometimes)....so adding more children will "mess" all that up.

I've always said I want 3-5 kids. 5 seems entirely overwhelming to me now, but just having 2 kids for the rest of my life (thinking ahead to them leaving for college, coming home for holidays, etc) seems like not enough.

Seriously though, HOW do you decide these things?! At what point do you just jump in and go for it or step back and say, "stop?" Do we just wait until we feel at peace with a decision? I'm not a very patient person...

Please speak some sense to my mixed-up brain. I'd love to hear from mamas who are content with just 1 or 2 and from those who have or want lots!

(If this topic fits better somewhere else, feel free to move it)
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Last edited by mollobe; 03-28-2012 at 10:32 PM.
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Old 03-28-2012, 11:20 PM   #2
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Default Re: Should we add to our family?

I'm content with 2. Before we had Heike and while I was pg with her, we assumed we'd have a third, but once she arrived both dh and I knew our family was complete. I had a few twinges since then, thinking about how nice a third would be, and then we had a false positive pg test 2 months ago (can you believe it?!) and I felt nothing but relief when we realised the test had been false. So I know I'm done. I can look at friends' newborns and hold and snuggle them and then happily give them back.

I think for me a big part of the change is that I feel I'm now in the phase of my life where I'm raising my kids, rather than making them. I look forward to having both of mine in a phase where we can really communicate - 5 is such an awesome age, I can't wait to get the youngest there!

So... I don't know if that helps you at all. I'm 100% content, I feel blessed with the kids I have and I know that I will be a better parent to these 2 than I could be to 3. This is very specific to me, and comes after much prayer - and I'm just grateful that God has given me peace about this. I will that you will have similar peace about whatever it is that God has planned for your family.
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mollobe (03-29-2012)
Old 03-28-2012, 11:41 PM   #3
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Default Re: Should we add to our family?

Time flies, doesn't it? I saw it was you asking and thought for a minute "Didn't she just have her DD like four months ago?" Wow.

Other than that, I've got nothing. You see my ticker. I'm somewhat fine with just having one. The idea of more than three paralyzes me.
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Old 03-29-2012, 06:29 AM   #4
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Default Re: Should we add to our family?

bbl when DS2 isn't in my lap and I can actually type
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Old 03-29-2012, 08:03 AM   #5
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Default Re: Should we add to our family?

Is it your objection to having more small toddlers or just children at all? Could you wait patiently () a little bit more until things are a bit less treadmill-y with younger kids?
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Old 03-29-2012, 08:13 AM   #6
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Default Re: Should we add to our family?

I am RIGHT there with you.. except trying to decide on biological baby #5, instead of #3. I go back and forth, on what seems like a daily basis.

We also would like to do foster care, and possibly adopt 1 more.. which is more likely if we don't have another biological, because we both feel comfortable with 5 being our cap for children. But, we are open to fostering beyond that.. just not adopting.

It is such a hard decision, at least it has been for me. We've been ttc since september, and every month feels like an emotional rollercoaster. Before ovulation, I'm calm and unattached, the 2ww is the time where I spend obsessing and hoping for a BFP, and then when AF shows up, I feel sad, and then almost relieved, wondering if this is GOd trying to tell me that we shoudl be done biologically. We got pregnant with all of the other dc within the course of 2 or 3 months.. so it's strange to be ttc for so long.

Mostly, I've been praying that God will make it clear to me with a real sense of peace either way. Right now, I'm feeling like we are supposed to have #5, because after I spend all sorts of time and emotions planning foster care, and imagining being done giving birth.. I'm just not at peace with it. Right now, I'm assuming that there is a reason that I'm not pregnant yet.. that God has a baby planned for us, and the right timing jus thasn't been yet.

About a year from now, I will probably have a really definitive answer one way or another for you. But for now, I'm pretty much useless.
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Old 03-29-2012, 07:00 PM   #7
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Default Re: Should we add to our family?

Quote:
Originally Posted by urbanfamily View Post
Is it your objection to having more small toddlers or just children at all? Could you wait patiently () a little bit more until things are a bit less treadmill-y with younger kids?
Yes, I LOVE little babies, but toddlers - as fun as they can be - drive me bonkers. Maybe I should just wait until Claire's the "easier" pre-school age and then re-evaluate everything. I have lots of friends either pregnant, trying, or soon-to-be-ttc, so it's giving me the itch. (I have a "thing" for having friends with similar-aged kiddos)

If we're not going to have any more biological children, then there's really no rush since we can foster/adopt for many many years ahead.
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