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Old 07-08-2009, 09:03 PM   #31
ReedleBeetle
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Default Re: Discipline can "fix" a problem

FANtastic thread!!!
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Old 07-08-2009, 09:22 PM   #32
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Default Re: Discipline can "fix" a problem

I agree. This is a great thread.
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Old 07-13-2009, 01:38 PM   #33
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Default Re: Discipline can "fix" a problem

You know, I'm really glad this thread has been revived. It is a great one...I actually re-read my response, and I can say a year later, I still agree with what I wrote and things have been dramatically improved since I worked hard with my high needs middle daughter. Turns out she had sensory issues, and separation anxiety, and generalized anxiety and selective mutism.

The ONLY way to help her was to meet her unique needs and work with her where she was at. Not discipline it out of her.

A year later, she's much more confident, much more emotionally regulated (still has her down days, but nothing like it was). I would have been wrong to do anything other than what we've been doing to keep the connection.

Just to show what she needed, I posted what helped. It was pretty extensive, but it really did work for her.

http://raisingsmartgirls.wordpress.c...orked-for-her/

Honestly, I would not have known about some of the wonderful resources if it weren't for the ladies here at GCM that pointed me in the right direction (to books like Raising Your Spirited Child, and The Explosive Child). GCM taught me how important it was to maintain connection in the middle of the behavioral problems we were having.

Crystal - some days I resisted the advice (remember when Joanne and I went a few rounds of disagreements waaaaayyyy back when?). I didn't want to bend but instead wanted compliance. My stubbornness set us back a bit, but when I realized you guys were right...everything changed for the better.

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Old 07-31-2009, 11:32 AM   #34
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Default Re: Discipline can "fix" a problem

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Originally Posted by GrowingInGrace View Post

Crystal - some days I resisted the advice (remember when Joanne and I went a few rounds of disagreements waaaaayyyy back when?). I didn't want to bend but instead wanted compliance. My stubbornness set us back a bit, but when I realized you guys were right...everything changed for the better.
GiG, I was remembering this as I read your first post of this thread. It's so cool to read your experience.
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Old 07-31-2009, 05:20 PM   #35
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Default Re: Discipline can "fix" a problem

Subbing to read this over and over and over and over and...well you get the picture.
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Old 08-01-2009, 08:30 PM   #36
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Default Re: Discipline can "fix" a problem

So nice to read other GCM posts on this subject!! They are just what I needed! My ds is very spirited and we stick out like a sore thumb! I try to do everything with peace in my heart and love in my actions and words while still being assertive with him and not get walked over! I have found just stopping and praying for a second opens my mind to an idea of how to "solve" the problem or calm the situation. Each time I know it's God whispering in my ear, because so often I just want to hide my face as people stare at us. I smile at them and get to my ds level and speak to him.

I went to an AP meeting last week and my son was trying to hit, snatch toys and just not behaving acceptably. We stepped out several times, went for a walk, sat down, talked, and just kept coming back in when he calmed down. We drive about an hour each month to these meetings so we try to get as much as we can out of it! After the meeting we went to lunch with a couple of friends. One of the Mom's told me she wanted to tell me something but didn't want to "offend me". I braced myself knowing she was going to give me parenting advice, tell me he's out of control, etc etc. Instead she said, that I am so good with him and she would not be able to handle him. I laughed aloud!! Tears filled my eyes and let me tell you that is the nicest thing any Mother could ever tell another Mother! I'm well aware of his spiritedness so of course it was not offending to me! When my ds was acting out in the meeting I asked God "why? I try so hard and I feel like I'm always failing, what am I doing wrong"? I felt like her words were God just encouraging me on. That's what I find in this post, other Mom's going through the same thing or who have been there! I love the advice and will read the books mentioned above!

God Bless!!
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Old 08-04-2009, 08:00 PM   #37
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Default Re: Discipline can "fix" a problem

Quote:
Originally Posted by shehaights View Post
So nice to read other GCM posts on this subject!! They are just what I needed! My ds is very spirited and we stick out like a sore thumb! I try to do everything with peace in my heart and love in my actions and words while still being assertive with him and not get walked over! I have found just stopping and praying for a second opens my mind to an idea of how to "solve" the problem or calm the situation. Each time I know it's God whispering in my ear, because so often I just want to hide my face as people stare at us. I smile at them and get to my ds level and speak to him.

I went to an AP meeting last week and my son was trying to hit, snatch toys and just not behaving acceptably. We stepped out several times, went for a walk, sat down, talked, and just kept coming back in when he calmed down. We drive about an hour each month to these meetings so we try to get as much as we can out of it! After the meeting we went to lunch with a couple of friends. One of the Mom's told me she wanted to tell me something but didn't want to "offend me". I braced myself knowing she was going to give me parenting advice, tell me he's out of control, etc etc. Instead she said, that I am so good with him and she would not be able to handle him. I laughed aloud!! Tears filled my eyes and let me tell you that is the nicest thing any Mother could ever tell another Mother! I'm well aware of his spiritedness so of course it was not offending to me! When my ds was acting out in the meeting I asked God "why? I try so hard and I feel like I'm always failing, what am I doing wrong"? I felt like her words were God just encouraging me on. That's what I find in this post, other Mom's going through the same thing or who have been there! I love the advice and will read the books mentioned above!

God Bless!!
That's always good when you get good feedback when out in public.
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Old 08-04-2009, 08:11 PM   #38
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Default Re: Discipline can "fix" a problem

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Old 08-04-2009, 08:56 PM   #39
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Default Re: Discipline can "fix" a problem

I know with my DD, who is a real spitfire, it is her personality. She is stubborn and likes to take control of situations (and at 4 she doesn't always take control appropriately). After lots of struggles and trying everything I could think of to control/change her behavior (including things I said I would never do )...I finally realized that it is just who she is. I'm not saying that what she is doing is appropriate and I continue to just repeat XYZ is not acceptable or whatever and she is slowly getting it.

Over the last couple years she has gone through many phases (very looooong phases), but I can see looking back that she came through them because of our consistent words and actions.

It's still a struggle every day with whatever the challenge that she currently faces, but I know she will come through it and we just have to be patient and consistent with her.
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Old 08-05-2009, 09:40 AM   #40
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Default Re: Discipline can "fix" a problem

Cake Lady, your dd sounds like ds2. Dh commented that I need to "just punish him a few times to teach him that he's not the boss". Um, yeah. He's a dominant leader kind of little guy. Character traits can't be punished out of the child. Besides, he'll need those qualities as an adult.
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Old 08-05-2009, 11:48 AM   #41
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Default Re: Discipline can "fix" a problem

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beauty4Ashes View Post
Character traits can't be punished out of the child. Besides, he'll need those qualities as an adult.
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Old 08-05-2009, 12:10 PM   #42
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Default Re: Discipline can "fix" a problem

I missed this thread the first time around. Glad I caught it this time. I have a highly sensitive DS with possible sensory issues and I need to come read this thread often and will bbl to read GiG's blog! Thanks for sharing!

Last edited by Ali; 08-05-2009 at 12:10 PM. Reason: typo
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Old 08-05-2009, 09:29 PM   #43
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Default Re: Discipline can "fix" a problem

This thread is a breath of fresh air! Oh, how timely! I love the honesty here! One thing that's *always* bugged me about the punitive mindset is how it completely ignores the bond breakage. Yes, the discipline works. But, what are your kids learning about how to relate to YOU? You can't spank your child & honestly tell me it didn't break something btwn the 2 of you! People here admit that & are honestly trying to keep the bond intact.

That bond will be SO incredibly important when the child is a teen, on the brink of adulthood.. This is what keeps me on track. I don't want my child to be afraid to come to me, afraid to talk & be honest about mistakes & feelings. Just for the short term goal of "proper" outward behavior. That's the kind of teen who desperately loves their parents & may "do" all the right things...but is uncomfortable to tell them how they really feel. I know, bc I was that teen. Very much a "good" girl. But, afraid to ever say I was depressed.

ETA: The depression had nothing to do with punitive upbringing. They were doing the best they knew how, and we did have a very loving home. But, I do think that type of discipline set me up to feel like I must always be happy. So, when I didn't have a good explanation for why I was depressed (prob raging hormones, which I didn't understand), I was afraid to tell, bc I didn't want to worry them. I still see this when my ds isn't in a "smiley" mood. My mother will automatically worry & ask why he's not "himself" today. GBD helps me recognize that there are lots of feelings, lots of reasons for those feelings, and most of them are okay. Besides being punitive, my mom did a lot of creative things to try & help us. But, she also always tried to "fix" things if we weren't in a "smiley" mood.

Last edited by joyinthejourney; 08-06-2009 at 05:36 AM. Reason: changed "dealthly afraid" in 2nd paragraph to "uncomfortable", bc I wasn't afraid to tell, but uncomfortable to worry them
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Old 08-06-2009, 01:32 AM   #44
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Old 08-07-2009, 08:52 AM   #45
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Default Re: Discipline can "fix" a problem

Quote:
Originally Posted by joyinthejourney View Post
This thread is a breath of fresh air! Oh, how timely! I love the honesty here! One thing that's *always* bugged me about the punitive mindset is how it completely ignores the bond breakage. Yes, the discipline works. But, what are your kids learning about how to relate to YOU? You can't spank your child & honestly tell me it didn't break something btwn the 2 of you! People here admit that & are honestly trying to keep the bond intact.

That bond will be SO incredibly important when the child is a teen, on the brink of adulthood.. This is what keeps me on track. I don't want my child to be afraid to come to me, afraid to talk & be honest about mistakes & feelings. Just for the short term goal of "proper" outward behavior. That's the kind of teen who desperately loves their parents & may "do" all the right things...but is uncomfortable to tell them how they really feel. I know, bc I was that teen. Very much a "good" girl. But, afraid to ever say I was depressed.

ETA: The depression had nothing to do with punitive upbringing. They were doing the best they knew how, and we did have a very loving home. But, I do think that type of discipline set me up to feel like I must always be happy. So, when I didn't have a good explanation for why I was depressed (prob raging hormones, which I didn't understand), I was afraid to tell, bc I didn't want to worry them. I still see this when my ds isn't in a "smiley" mood. My mother will automatically worry & ask why he's not "himself" today. GBD helps me recognize that there are lots of feelings, lots of reasons for those feelings, and most of them are okay. Besides being punitive, my mom did a lot of creative things to try & help us. But, she also always tried to "fix" things if we weren't in a "smiley" mood.
I think you have some very good points here. I have a people-pleasing oldest daughter and I wouldn't want her to feel unable to tell me anything because she wouldn't want us to worry. I'm going to keep that in mind.

I picked up the book Mad isn't Bad and it's wonderful, but I also know there is another book called Sad Isn't Bad too (oh, wait, I think that's on death and dying...hmmm not what I'm thinking of). I wonder if that would help the kids understand and cope with sadness.

Last edited by GrowingInGrace; 08-07-2009 at 08:55 AM.
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