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Old 03-20-2005, 06:18 PM   #16
ShangriLewis
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

We have a really comfy living room. Right now I'm on the Green Chair (It's a chair and a half). Escher got a pillow and a blanket and he snuggled up with me. He's really cranky and could probably use a nap, but I think it's too late. We have the green chair with ottoman, my grandma's rocking chair has a small sheepskin on it, my mom's kid size rocking chair and two couches. I keep lots of pillows and blankets everywhere. That way if someone needs a rest they can get it. We have alot of books and books on tapes from the library. Books are usually lying all over the place. I can't imagine having another corner

That being said the boys usually go to my room if they need a break. Gibran (8) takes green bunny and sometimes a book on tape. Porter(5) takes purple frog and a Dr. Suess book. Sometimes I join them. If they are really upset we talk about it. I always talk with them and sometimes pray if they were really upset or hurt someone.

Gibran likes to go upstairs if the other boys are bothering him and it's making him "cranky." He is actually doing very well with giving himself breaks. I think it's getting easier with having more kids. Gibran really models to the younger ones. And, we try to model to the boys.

If I get upset with Porter and raise my voice, I will often tell him I'm sorry and I love him. Can we go snuggle in my bed. I really want them to learn to take a break and rethink things, so they can make a good and loving choice. It's strange that it's become a habit. That I can say I think you need a break and they go to my bed.

I can't pick up Gibran anymore, but until I can no longer pick up my kids I love to scoop up a frustrated child and set them in my lap or snuggle with them in my bed. Sometimes they just really need someone to stop the situation and give them a do-over. Like when you are having a bad day and you take off for an unscheduled day the park or the beach. It's that feeling.
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Old 03-20-2005, 08:38 PM   #17
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

I am so thankful for this thread - I am still learning to be a gentle mama. Some days I do really well and some days I don't and this forum is so great to have! I know I want to be a gentle mama, but I don't always know how to explain what my goal is or how it should look. I've realized we have a big need for a comfort corner in our new home and I am pleased to see so many examples. Thanks for the help!! And Crystal -your analogies are so good! Thanks!
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Old 03-21-2005, 01:17 PM   #18
Desert Rose
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

I live in a tiny house! I guess I can try to find somewhere though.
At what age did you ladies start this practice?
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Old 03-21-2005, 01:53 PM   #19
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

Quote:
Originally Posted by ArmsOfLove
If they resist, then I go with them. And I ask them how I can help them get in a better mood. IOW, I make it a positive place to be and realize that their resistance is because they are feeling bad. So I work hard to help them feel better. That looks different for each child.
That's the part I need to work on. We have a great space but I think I use it to punitively. It's a huge pink, polartec-covered beanbag. There is a matching blanket on top of it & a basket with some toys & books next to it. It sits between the living room & the kitchen. The idea is there, but I think I need to focus on the more positive aspects of helping the girls calm down & rejoin as opposed to going there because I'm angry at their behavior. Learning to be as gentle mother is a constant work in progress.
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Old 03-21-2005, 02:28 PM   #20
ArmsOfLove
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

I think there is a lot to be said for how we present something to people. You can say, "Want some ice cream?" in a way that makes it something they are afraid to say yes to And positive tools can be things they fear if you're yelling at them to do them or go to them.

As for when we started using it, we start with toddlers when they start being upset
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Old 03-22-2005, 07:42 AM   #21
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

bear with me here....

i get that the comfort corner works well when kids are melting -- freaking out about stuff and just need to regroup. what about "smallies" like refusal to stop a behavior, or refusal to comply. i do "help" and offer help a lot, but there are things that i cannot help him do.

my ever-present example: screaming. screaming for no reason other than to scream. screaming when there is no way to go outside and use the outside voice. screaming for fun. does the cuddle corner serve as a place to go to stop yourself from screaming? not punitively, i'm willing to go there with him, i'm willing to give him things to read, listen to, play with. but there are times i think he's taking the cuddle corner negatively, he doesn't want to stay there, he doesn't want to "rest" as i call it. he wants to scream and just be mad about it. tantrum, if you will.

i guess what i'm asking is, does the comfort corner take the place of the time-out chair? exhaustively. for every instance one would use the naughty chair (a la nanny jo) can/should one use the comfort corner?
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Old 03-22-2005, 08:27 AM   #22
ArmsOfLove
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

that's a hard question to answer because it ends up asking (unintentionally) if the GBD tool can be used as a "positive punishment" and I would have to say 'no'.

A young child screaming for fun is simply not something that reaction of any kind is going to do anything about. It's really just an issue of maturing and teaching (indoor voice vs outdoor voice--and play games with it!, I'd also be working on games like mother may I, simon says, red light/green light, etc). And when helping resolves the issue--the issue is done and there is nothing left to discuss. Let it be over.

Not sure I answered you, though ???
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Old 03-30-2005, 02:23 PM   #23
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

Ok...this is a great discussion! I see I'm joining in a bit late, but I still have one question. Say my ds, 3yo, is encouraged to head to the Comfort Corner because he hit his little brother, 15mo, who tried to take his blocks or what have you. Do I discuss the behavior before he goes to the Comfort Corner or help him get to the CC and then let him figure it out? When do I help him make amends and help his little brother feel better????

Still needing guidance...but it is clicking!!!! Woohoo!
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Old 03-30-2005, 08:03 PM   #24
ArmsOfLove
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

I would tell him, "You are having a hard time being kind right now. You need to take a break in the comfort corner. You may come out when you are feeling better and are ready to make amends." Then I'd give him space (unless he wants you to join him ) and when he comes out greet him with love and hugs and ask if he's ready to make amends
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Old 03-31-2005, 09:48 AM   #25
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

Crystal, thanks! That is exactly the direction I needed! I appreciate you so much.
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Old 04-04-2005, 05:44 PM   #26
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

Wow. Simply wow. I am really butting heads with 2.5yo dd (sad, huh ) We are going to introduce the comfort corner. SO GLAD that I am back on this board!!!! You mamas make me a better mama. Kinda like annonymous accountability. YOU don't know right now what my struggles are - but the Lord does, and HE led me here! One question - HOW do I give dd her comfort time (I know she will need me the first few times at least) when I have her baby sister squawking for me or nursing? I've found it hard to cuddle Jeanna when I am wearing Audrey - Jeanna likes to be on my lap and that's where Audrey ends up when I sit.
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Old 04-05-2005, 08:52 AM   #27
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

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Originally Posted by blessedx4
Wow. Simply wow. I am really butting heads with 2.5yo dd (sad, huh ) We are going to introduce the comfort corner. SO GLAD that I am back on this board!!!! You mamas make me a better mama. Kinda like annonymous accountability. YOU don't know right now what my struggles are - but the Lord does, and HE led me here! One question - HOW do I give dd her comfort time (I know she will need me the first few times at least) when I have her baby sister squawking for me or nursing? I've found it hard to cuddle Jeanna when I am wearing Audrey - Jeanna likes to be on my lap and that's where Audrey ends up when I sit.
This is what I was going to ask too. With us it's a 1.5 yr old and a 5 yr old, put we still have the same problem. How do I go about getting the 5 year old to go to the corner while the one yr old was jilted and needs me too? Especially if it's the baby that she needs the break from?
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Old 04-06-2005, 05:22 AM   #28
Joanne
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

Adding a thought to this thread. I think, sometimes, when a parent comes from a punitive mindset, they try to impose the Comfort Corner (or the Five Steps) in the same way they would a punishment.

The Comfort Corner and The Five Steps are not cornerstones. They are tools. They don't work in every situation; they are not meant to.

If I child threw a toy, for example, I would not use the Five Steps or the Comfort Corner. I'd take the toy away for a while (or the day, or the week depending on the age of the child). If the same child is throwing often, I'd use The Comfort Corner. If the child throws everyday, I'd use a form of proactive discipline that gets the throwing need met appropriately.

For immediate "stop" or "start" behaviors, I will use the Five Steps or a simple Get Off Your Butt parenting.

GBD isn't about a "technique" or "punishment" that is universally employed to teach children. It's about relationship, coaching, natural consequences and age appropriate logical, related consequences.
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Old 04-06-2005, 05:36 AM   #29
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

that is a very helpful reminder, joanne.
Quote:
This is what I was going to ask too. With us it's a 1.5 yr old and a 5 yr old, put we still have the same problem. How do I go about getting the 5 year old to go to the corner while the one yr old was jilted and needs me too? Especially if it's the baby that she needs the break from?
we do something kind of like what quiet spirit suggests. i take henry (2.5) to the CC and then i go to the baby. of course, the baby isn't really wounded or something that needs instant mommy, he's more insulted by whatever happened between the two of them. having the CC has really helped me attend to the baby while knowing that henry is in a safe spot and is regrouping, etc. once the baby is calm i get him interested in something, etc., and go to henry to see if he wants me to sit with him, or whatever.

i'm totally new at this, but quiet spirit's posts have helped me to understand what i'm doing.
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Old 04-29-2005, 12:01 AM   #30
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Default Re: help me with my comfort corner

ok, I too have some questions.....

1.) Do you use the CC for pure defiance? I tell Alex to do something and he just blatantly defies me, how do you use the CC for that?

2.) He know that as soon as he is ready to show self-control and ready to rejoin the family that all he has to do is say the words...so now he is starting to say "I'm ready to show self control" the very second his bottom sits in the chair. Should I just say ok, and let him out?
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