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Old 03-06-2007, 01:30 PM   #16
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Default Re: Discussion of "Dealing With Disappointment" by Elizabeth Crary

OK that makes more sense. Thank you for jumping ahead for me. I can tell I am going to need to look for this book but no money or time this month so for now I will just keep up with your summary.
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Old 03-06-2007, 01:55 PM   #17
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Default Re: Discussion of "Dealing With Disappointment" by Elizabeth Crary

Thanks for the great summaries since I can't read the book right now!
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Old 03-06-2007, 02:18 PM   #18
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Default Re: Discussion of "Dealing With Disappointment" by Elizabeth Crary

Glad people are finding this helpful...I'm am learning so much from having to think how to summarize, too.
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Old 03-07-2007, 07:31 PM   #19
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Default Re: Discussion of "Dealing With Disappointment" by Elizabeth Crary

Wow! I'm loving this thread! I'm going to have to get this book. I appreciate all of your info.
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Old 03-07-2007, 07:34 PM   #20
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Default Re: Discussion of "Dealing With Disappointment" by Elizabeth Crary

from the book description it sounds like the book is just about dealing with disappointment, but your quotes lead me to believe this is about all emotions. which is it? that "pick up your socks...." book looks good, too.
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Old 03-07-2007, 08:21 PM   #21
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Default Re: Discussion of "Dealing With Disappointment" by Elizabeth Crary

Very much definitely all emotions. The loud negative ones are just the ones most of us are concerned about. In the next chapter she actually talks about how most of us, when we reflect feelings, mainly do the negative ones. Interesting.
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Old 03-07-2007, 08:36 PM   #22
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Default Re: Discussion of "Dealing With Disappointment" by Elizabeth Crary

Quote:
Originally Posted by canadiyank
Very much definitely all emotions. The loud negative ones are just the ones most of us are concerned about. In the next chapter she actually talks about how most of us, when we reflect feelings, mainly do the negative ones. Interesting.
I was actually thinking about this earlier today, and I am making more of an effort to reflect those happy, joyful emotions also. I am also making sure that I dientify my own feelings to him such as "I am sad right now" or "Mommy is SOOOO happy!!" I am also being careful not to reflect my feelings into what he is doing (ie. "Mommy is so happy because you ____________".)

He has started comforting me. He wants me to pick him up so he can hug me and hold me back, then points to our "Comfie Chair" and wants me to sit in it. Then he snuggles me good, flips sideways and nurses with this look like, "THIS always makes ME feel better, so it must you too." And of course it does, just because he is being so sweet
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Old 03-07-2007, 08:38 PM   #23
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Default Re: Discussion of "Dealing With Disappointment" by Elizabeth Crary

That is fantastic and so sweet.
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Old 03-11-2007, 08:58 PM   #24
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Default Re: Discussion of "Dealing With Disappointment" by Elizabeth Crary

I don't have this book, but I want to come back to this bec. this is such a great discussion!
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Old 03-11-2007, 09:16 PM   #25
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Default Re: Discussion of "Dealing With Disappointment" by Elizabeth Crary

Quote:
Originally Posted by nurse_reedle


He has started comforting me. He wants me to pick him up so he can hug me and hold me back, then points to our "Comfie Chair" and wants me to sit in it. Then he snuggles me good, flips sideways and nurses with this look like, "THIS always makes ME feel better, so it must you too." And of course it does, just because he is being so sweet
That just melts my heart!
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Old 03-12-2007, 12:36 AM   #26
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Default Re: Discussion of "Dealing With Disappointment" by Elizabeth Crary

Chapter Three - What Kids Need to Know About Feelings

Everyone has feelings, expressed or suppressed - before people can cope effectively with feelings it's helpful to understand their nature.

Kids need to know:

1. How to identify feelings.
2. The nature of feelings.
3. How to cope with feelings.

How to identify feelings through:

Vocabulary You can do this through labelling your own feelings, observing the feelings of others, labelling children's feelings, using books/videos to introduce feelings (talking about what the character is feeling, asking child to identify character's feeling, telling of a time you felt that way, etc).
Variety Label both comfortable and uncomfortable feelings. Most people only comment on feelings when they are negative..."reflecting only uncomfortable feelings can encourage children to notice and feel more uncomfortable feelings at the expense of comfortable ones" (p. 23).
Gradations There are a wide variety of feelings (for example, pleased/happy/excited are gradations of similar comfortable feelings, while worried/scared/terrified are gradations of similar uncomfortable ones) and children need to be able to discern and identify the difference. Also, if you as a parent notice a mild upset you can offer coping strategies they are likely to reject if they were more upset.
Internal signs of feelings Physical signs such a tenseness, relaxation, hotness, etc. can give insight into what's happening so they are better able to understand what's happening and then deal with it.

The nature of feelings:

Feelings are okay All feelings are acceptable. They can be expressed in helpful or harmful ways.
Feelings change Since most children live in the present they have difficulty thinking they can be *so upset* right now, but that feeling can change. You can be sad now and happy later.
Feelings are different from actions "It's ok to be angry, and it's not ok to hurt someone or something."
Feelings can be expressed in many ways "Young children often express their feelings by crying, screaming, pushing, biting, or hitting. Over time they can learn that there are other ways to demonstrate their feelings. One way you can teach alternatives is to model constructive behaviour and verbalize what you are doing." (p. 27) "I feel really upset! I'm taking three calming breaths...do I feel better?" etc.
Feelings vary from person to person While children can see that feelings vary, they generally assume other people feel exactly as they do. People feel differently about things!
Everyone has feelings Feelings are not tangible, so children can conclude others don't have them...you can teach them about other people's feelings by commenting on them, having the child label them, talking about your own comfortable and uncomfortable feelings, etc.

How to cope with feelings:

"When children are upset there are two aspects - the feeling itself and the situation or event that preceded the feeling. Children need tools or strategies to deal with both these aspects." (p. 29).

You can teach these concepts through:

Modeling
Observations
Stories
Activities
(the future chapters deal with the teaching of these concepts in greater detail)

It is possible for parents to unknowingly discount feelings through denying, reducing, dismissing, and/or solving them.

Denying says you are wrong, you don't feel that way.
Reducing says you are overreacting, you shouldn't feel that strongly.
Dismissing says it is not reasonable for you to feel that way.
Solving discounts the feeling by fixing it rather than accepting it.

Instead of blocking of dismissing the feelings, you can acknowledge you can respond by simply listening (using oh, umm, really? when appropriate), acknowledging the feelings, and/or offering help. This tells the child it's ok to have these feelings and also leaves the responsibility for dealing with the feeling to the child.
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Old 03-12-2007, 01:34 AM   #27
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Default Re: Discussion of "Dealing With Disappointment" by Elizabeth Crary

Thank you so much for doing this. I've got the book on reserve at the library but this is really helping to tide me over. I can't wait to sit down and read the book for myself.
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Old 03-23-2007, 09:58 PM   #28
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Default Re: Discussion of "Dealing With Disappointment" by Elizabeth Crary

Chapter Four - Self-Calming Tools

Here they are, folks, the chapter on self-calming tool! She suggests children have one tool per year of age. When they are younger, physical activities such as running or jumping are often more helpful, although they need to learn more and different ones as they grow older. There are six groups of tools: physical, auditory/verbal, visual, creative, self-comforting, and humor.

Physical Tools Using large muscles can reduce restless energy and help a person feel calmer. These are activities such as running, dancing, swimming, jumping, etc. Small repetitive mv'ts like hitting a pillow can actually increase stress, but it is better than hitting a person, and can be used as an intermediate step to other tools. I.e., start with hitting a pillow, then shake out feelings, then calming breaths. For some children mv't excites them further, so you can use a technique called "Putting them together" (put your hands on the sides of their shoulders or hips and firmly press together. Eventually the child will learn to do this by hugging themselves. I think this is very similar to the bear hug).
Auditory/Verbal Tools Crying or screaming comes naturally. As they mature and develop language and a feelings vocabulary, they can begin to communicate what they need more clearly. Talking about what upsets them may help some children calm down, or other tools such as soothing music or rousing music to reflect their inner turmoil, or starting with dramatic music and gradually changing to calm music.
Visual Tools Watching swaying trees, reading a book, reflecting inward or outward. Some children can do this in the presence of others and some need to be alone. (This is a primary tool for me - I need to be alone and I can calm by reading a book, resting, journalling, etc.)
Creative Tools Usually involves repetitive hand mvt's such a stringing beads, knitting, mashing play-do, drawing their feelings, etc. The child needs to have some skill in the activity so doing it doesn't add more frustration.
Self-comforting Tools Sucking is a self-comforting tool (Ah! I was right, although I missed it the first time. Nursing. She says a pacifier...). Oral activities such as chewing pencils/hair etc. are self-comforting but there are many other ways such as getting a hug or back run, bubble bath, curling up with a good book (here I am again, lol), lounging outside, drinking a cup of tea, eating a bowl of chicken soup or a piece of chocolate.
Food can help people calm down in two ways...1) When people are hungry, they are often more easily upset (so true around here...using the HALT acronym - hungry, angry, lonely, tired, can help a parent help the child), and 2) carbs increase the serotonin level in the brain, which enhances mood. Some parents object to using food for comfort, but you can model healthy habits such as a piece of fresh fruit, tea with honey, or sipping a bowl of soup.
Humor Tools Books and videos can be used to introduce humor. Exaggerating the situation to the point of ridiculousness can help (a la Playful Parenting, I'm thinking)...you should model this first in your own frustrations so the child understands what is happening and doesn't think you are making fun of him/her.

(That's the end of this section - there's more to the chapter that I will post at another time).
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Old 03-23-2007, 10:38 PM   #29
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Default Re: Discussion of "Dealing With Disappointment" by Elizabeth Crary

Thank you, Meghan, for all the effort you are putting into this for us I look forward to reading the next section!

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Old 03-24-2007, 10:28 PM   #30
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Default Re: Discussion of "Dealing With Disappointment" by Elizabeth Crary

Wow, thanks so much for doing this! I am starting to work on my discipline again, and this really helps.

I got way off track after Jackson was born. I know I need to work on dealing with my own emotions first of all, but I need to help Trin as well. She has outbursts multiple times a day (as do I ). Nursing was always the main method of comfort, but I have cut that back a lot in the past few months and haven't been able to figure out what to replace it with. Okay, actually, we put her in front of Dora . Sometimes I carry her like a sack of taters to the backyard or room with lots of toys, and the change of environment seems to help. I know a lot of times HALT is an issue. Okay, I'm Tired, so I'll take go care of that.
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