Spanking for Accidents

I was heartbroken when lurking at another forum I joined (I think just prior to finding this one) and I read a woman saying she spanks her baby (a baby, mind you, not an older child) for spilling his drinks and moving during diaper changes. I remember I once harshly scolded my son for spilling some orange juice and my mom witnessed it. Not a proud moment for me, but I had been really frazzled prior to that and I lost my cool. Anyway, my mother pulled me aside in private and said, "you really shouldn't crush his spirit like that for an accident just because it put you out. Do you bawl out your husband, because he spills his coffee all the time?" And she was right. Why am I willing to excuse my husband's and my own "oops" moments, but spank or scold my son for having them? Being a child he should be more excused, because he doesn't have the awareness or motor skills of an adult yet.

My mother said when she was growing up she was spanked for wetting the bed or throwing up anywhere but in the commode, even when she was very young. To me, spanking a child for accidents just because you don't like messes, therefore, your child making a mess is somehow a sign of willful disobedience makes my skin crawl. It took every ounce of my will to simply log out and not respond with something that wasn't very Christlike. Seeing that the "spank for literally everything" mentality seems to be prevalent at that site, I can't foresee myself ever going back. It hurt me so terribly to think of some little eighteen month old baby feeling very embarrassed over spilling their food or drink and having their mommy inflict physical pain and further shame and then lecturing them on how it's sinful for them to make messes.

ETA: Mods, if my post is out of line or comes across as gossiping, please feel free to let me know and I will gladly edit, or delete the thread. I don't want to fan any flames, but this is a subject I know I've struggled with as a mother and one I really had to pray about and train myself out of doing (although I never spanked for accidents, but I did scold), so it really hurts me when I see someone coming up in that same way.

[raining_kisses]

It is so hard to witness or know stuff like that happens.

[WI Mama05]

I've unfortunately witnessed this first hand. It's SO and WRONG if you know anything at ALL about child development!

[happyhousewife]

I think it is wonderful that your mom took you aside and gently spoke truth in love to you. I have never spanked for accidents either but I have scolded too. (not my proudest moment ) I have grown so much through the years and I am so so so very greatful for this forum of loving mamas that have helped me. I am a better Mama because of GCM!

So glad you are here MrsJacks!

[momyshaver]

that is hard to witness

What sort of response did the poster receive? Did anyone have any feedback for her or was her action validated?

[mrsd]

How sad that this happens. Fast forward ahead 60 years, the child is grown and caring for an elderly parent. The old lady is shaky and spills some juice...the child slaps her. That would be elder abuse.

[Sparrow]

It makes me sad too.

When I hear about children bing spanked for wetting themselves, or vomiting, I ask the person how they would feel, if, in their old age, they are slapped for losing control of their bodily functions, because in reality, it probably could happen.

I usually get and the person moves on.

[HuggaBuggaMommy]

I was a clumsy, fast-moving child with not-so-great fine motor skills. Some of my worst memories have to do with being "punished" for spilling my drinks.

[katiekind]

That is truly upsetting to witness. I understand needing to process that verbally!

What sort of response did the poster receive? Did anyone have any feedback for her or was her action validated?

I know--I can't help being curious about that, too, HOWEVER, for the sake of our guidelines in the UPP forum, rather than discussing the course of a conversation on some other forum, let's focus on our own experiences, our own realizations on this topic, or how we might approach this if it were to come up with a friend.

I really LOVE the wisdom your mom shared with you, MrsJacks. Were you able to "receive" that from her at the time she shared that, or did it take awhile to sink in?

[hey mommy]

My FOO spanks for potty accidents. It's horrifying and I'm glad I don't have to watch anyone do it. It's heartbreaking. I don't remember if my parents did or not though... I know my sister did.

I get annoyed with spills of often and it's no my proudest moment. Sad to say, I do get angry about them sometimes. But i'm often the one who has to remind my DH that it was just an accident, kids spill, and it's okay. Everything can be cleaned.

It is horrible to read about/see others doing it, especially when you can't do anything about it.

[blessedmamaofmany]

random:

My mom told me the same thing once

When I got upset at my oldest as a toddler for spilling, my mom gently took me to task. "Would you yell at a friend who came over and spilled?" Point made!

Also,

Originally Posted by katiekind

I really LOVE the wisdom your mom shared with you, MrsJacks. Were you able to "receive" that from her at the time she shared that, or did it take awhile to sink in?

My mother is very good about taking me aside and telling me, ever so gently, "hey, you're making the same mistakes I did, and I screwed up royally. Don't be like I was". Sometimes it stings and I resist, but I always pause later and re-think my tools. This particular incident, with the orange juice, it made me feel so bad I actually went to my son in tears and asked his forgiveness for sounding so angry about him accidentally spilling his juice. He was so cute. He said, "awwww don't cry. People have bad days some times and I need to pay more attention when I'm drinking anyway".

He's a wonderful young man.

[katiekind]

That is wonderful. Well, as the parent of grown kids, I am sometimes in a position to wonder whether to bite my tongue or say something, you know? I'm glad it worked out and it sounds like you have a wonderful mom and ARE a wonderful mom yourself.

Originally Posted by katiekind

That is wonderful. Well, as the parent of grown kids, I am sometimes in a position to wonder whether to bite my tongue or say something, you know? I'm glad it worked out and it sounds like you have a wonderful mom and ARE a wonderful mom yourself.

Thank you I know it's hard for my mom. She was raised in an abusive home. She had very definite ideas on how she wanted to raise us entirely the opposite of how she was raised. Sadly, when my grandmother was evicted from her apartment when I was just four years old and she came to live with us, she gave my mom a lot of frustration and pressure to discipline us the way she discipline my mom and aunt. Oftentimes my mother was extremely stressed, unhappy and short-tempered. She has expressed her regret so much, it hurts me that she cannot forgive herself.

We're very close. We have had our battles, but we can say anything to each other, hash things out, and then cry and hug later. My sister and her don't have the same relationship, so my mother is much more reticent to give advice to her about her mothering.

[Hermana Linda]

Oh my! Some of the members here were in your mother's shoes. You are an example of gently parented child grown up.