"I hate you, Mommy!"

[wildswede]

Sorry for the repeat post, I don't know how to deal with this one... "I hate you Mommy!" "I'm gonna spank your butt Mommy!" "I'm gonna break your things Mommy!" Right now, I am quite literally hiding from my child, I told him that I don't feel I can be very nice right now and I need to be alone. It's been so hard the past couple months, I work for the local school district and couldn't find summer work so we've been home since the middle of June, I start work again the last week in August. I've loved being able to be with him, it's rare that it's just the two of us together more than a weekend at a time, but the behavior has gotten absolutely out of control. He's playing so much with the other kids in our apartment complex, we have trouble with bullying (other kids, not my son), they use bad language, the parents are always outside screaming obscenities at their kids, and my child is picking it up. We also spend 1-2 days a week with his cousins, one of whom is only nine months younger, they are best buddies, but he has some major anger/language issues. My son is not "perfect" of course, we've struggled with "big feelings" practically from day one, but this language and destroying things is new and it's bad. He runs, as well, from out apartment, management will not allow me to keep a safety latch on the door to keep him inside, so he can run out whenever he wants, then I get the pleasure of chasing him down while the other kids are interfering and my son is yelling how much he hates me and I'm a "stupid frikkin' mommy". This evening I've had to chase him down twice, I completely lost it and put all his toys in the toy box and shut them in the closet and told him no shows for the rest of today and tomorrow. I don't know what else to do, I've tried extra snuggles, extra time, taking walks with him, doing things with him around the house to include him in everything, different techniques to calm down, talking about rules, star charts, talking about safety, talking, talking, talking! I don't expect immediate results with anything, but I cannot listen to this all day anymore! If he's not getting exactly what he wants, when he wants it, then he calling names, saying he hates me and I'm stupid, hitting, throwing food, throwing whatever he can get his hands on... I was in an abusive relationship when I first got pregnant with him, I'm so tired of being threatened, it triggers so much in me when he does these things and I don't know how to stop it.

[Dovenoir]

How old is your son? And the kids he's playing with?

[sweetpeasmommy]

Are you in counseling for your abuse? If not, please do that. You can learn to separate what happened to you from parenting through those phases.

[WanderingJuniper]

If we know what age your son is it would help. Advice is going to be different for a 3yo than a 7yo.

I second the counselling idea if you are t already doing it. It's important to be able to differentiate abusive man from child who is learning how to interact with the world.

Is it just the 2 of you in the apartment?

And 2 because end if summer is just plain hard sometimes no matter the situation.

[ArmsOfLove]

she shared here that he is 4.

This is definitely normal for 4yo - but sounds like some of the children he is playing with are a very negative influence. He may even be processing much of what he hears. I would restrict play with anyone who is being violent, aggressive or hateful right now - especially if he is being bullied.

He *needs* to know that you are bigger than his big feelings. That when he behaves unlovably, you still love him. That when he says he hates you, you still love him. I definitely encourage counseling for the abuse you were in so that you don't parent from that place of hurt Not good for either of you.

[wildswede]

Sorry, yes, he is four years old. The kids he is around are primarily older boys, 6-9 years old, and we have had bullying issues with a few of them. I am not currently in counseling but was for quite awhile after I left the relationship. It is just my son and I, we are trying to get away from complex and find a place with a fenced yard where he can go outside and be safe (as he wanders)--- but it's been hard. Yesterday we actually got a kitten that has already been doing wonders for my son, he started getting frustrated and anxious today and I sent him up to snuggle with his kitten and within moments he was calmed down and speaking more clearly. While he may strike out at me when he's upset, he never tries to hurt anyone or anything smaller than he is, he's very careful with babies (people and animals).
Four has been a tough year... okay, they've all been tough with a high needs child, but in different ways... this year it has really become apparent where his personal weaknesses are (communication, sensory, etc), I know he's frustrated because he doesn't always understand everything that is said to him and not everything he says is understood; whether it's pronunciation or word order/sentence structure. He still struggles a whole lot with directions with more than a single step. His sensory reactions are becoming more pronounced, in water he gets very stimulated very quickly (he does swimming lesson and LOVES water so it's tough)--- he claps, shouts, makes noises, twists his hands/fingers, spins, and runs when he is excited, and nearly stops using words altogether.
Sorry for the novel, I'm just so tired and I get so dang... sad. I just feel sad when he starts with the "I hate you" and "I'm going to hurt you" and such, it's hard to react in a way that helps the situation; it's hard to calmly say, "I'm sorry you feel that way, I really love you." He often seeks reassurance that I love him and always will even if he has a bad day and makes some wrong choices.

[jandjmommy]

I think keeping him away from the negative influence of the neighbor kids as PPs suggested and closing down the screens like you already did are great ideas!

[Codi]

So the phrases sound pretty typical for a 4 year old. Those first "I HATE YOU's!!" can be shocking.

I would absolutely keep him from playing with any children you feel are negatively influencing him to that degree.

I fully agree with Crystal's post. You need to show him your love is bigger than any feelings he might have and help him through the hard spots. And if he is being bullied, that could really put him in the spot of wanting to "bully" others, which could include you.