Anger management tools

[Amythestmama]

So what are some anger management tools? I don't like the "hit a pillow" type things. I don't want him to hit anything bc he's mad, ykwim, I think he needs to have other ways to deal with his anger.
Example: K wanted another turn on the tablet but J had just picked it up and he said "wait, I just got it. You can have it later." K wanted it NOW so he got angry that he must wait and went stomping and crashing through the house. In that stomping crashing episode, he tripped into the fan knocking it over and breaking it and when he saw that, started swinging his arms around wildly and hit M who was in his path. He didn't intentionally hit M or knock the fan over on purpose- he was mad and like I said, smashing and crashing around without looking at where he was going etc. He was terribly upset by this, upset that he'd hit M, broke the fan, (I was outside vacuuming the van out and his aunt was in the house with the kids so she took him and sat him on the couch and just held him until he quit thrashing about and then read him storied until I came in) so he was upset about that saying now Aunt K would not like him. I talked to him a bit and did ask that he apologize to M for hitting her and day he needed to help fix the fan. He apologized right off, sincerely I think. He found the duct tape and Aunt K and I fixed the fan- it took two big people to do so, but it was fixed. After a bit, he came and said he was really sorry for breaking the fan. We said it was ok-we fixed it, it was an accident to begin with, etc. Then I needed to go to the store so I took just K along. He was just sitting there crying. He said he was a terrible boy for getting so mad. I tried to explain that getting mad isn't wrong, it's what we do when we get mad that can be wrong- crashing around not paying attention to what or who you crash into because you're mad is wrong, but feeling mad because you have to wait isn't in itself wrong. I said "you need better tools to use when you get mad." I suggested going outside and running really really fast or kicking the football to see how far or high he could kick it when he felt mad. He said ok, he could do those things but what else? I asked what he thought and he said I could just wait my turn. I said yes, you could do that. Find something else to do and just wait. he was still really upset about it. I gave him a hug and said I knew it was hard but we just needed to keep working on it and don't worry about anybody else and what they might think, that aunt K and I both understood him. He still cried and cried and was starting to bang his head on the window so I held him again and prayed that he would be comforted and that he would remember his tools and that I would be able to help him better. He stopped crying and then we went to the store. He was clingy at first but by the time we got done, was back to normal and said "I think it helped when we prayed."
So. What other tools can I offer him? It worries me that he gets so upset - banging his head on the window, last week he was biting himself and pulling his hair after an accident during a game ended up hurting a friend. Am I worrying too much? I suppose because I struggle with self harm when I'm very upset about things, I worry that he does or will too. Unreasonable? Thoughts?

[Rivendell Raven]

It sounds like he is a sweet, sensitive kid. Instead of hitting a pillow, what about squeezing it, throwing it, biting it, or yelling into it? Something to safely manage that first burst of anger and help him calm down a little.

[rcsmom]

Have you read the book "dealing with disappointment"? that has a lot of great ideas for things to do when upset. Some things we do are deep breaths, pray, go lay in bed and think of happy thoughts, run around, or just go be by ourselves. They have a lot more suggestions in the book. And I think it is totally normal to feel bad after you loose control of your temper. My son does that sometimes too. We just talk about how to handle it better in the future and how making mistakes doesn't make us "bad" and everyone makes mistakes sometimes. My son finds it helpful if I give him examples of when I have made a mistake and what I did after.

[Bea423]

How old? I am really working on my own temper. I read this "3-2-1 calm down" article (I'll post the link later if I remember). It's basically when you get mad and your fight or flight instinct takes over you try and name 3 things you see, 3 things you hear, 3 things you feel, then 2 then 1 of each. It's amazing! It literally feels like a fog has lifted. That may be a bit much for your son to remember, but even thinking of 1 thing he sees, hears and feels would help. If you can catch him at the beginnings of anger and remind him or ask him to do it, it might help?

[Amythestmama]

thanks!
He is 6, will be 7 in November. He gives me the idea that he has trouble processing things. When he needs something he doesn't say or doesn't understand what he needs maybe? and just acts out. That is a little different than the anger issue. But maybe connected? He seems to enjoy playing with other kids, his siblings, school friends, but he'd much rather play alone and in fact, if he's had too much time around other people he just sort of looses it. He cries, and screams, and basically acts like I'd expect an 18 month-3 year old to act. He loves physical play- wrestling, etc but he doesn't control himself very well and ends up hurting others. I wrestle with him which helps a lot I've noticed but he is strong and wild and sometimes even I have a hard time not getting hurt.
Anyway. He's been doing much better, but I am very nervous for school to start. He is very upset about going, he was for pre-k and kindergarten but did fine after a few weeks. He'll probably be fine but it's a different teacher, one who isn't that good with kids IMO, maybe I'm just worrying too much!
I suppose I should read the 6yo book again.