My Contrarian...

[allisonintx]

This is going to be a novel.

Get a glass of wine and join me
on the couch.

I'm in INTP parenting whiplash.

16yo INTP son goes to Summer Studio, the program for high schoolers at the Art Institute. Works regularly, all day and then when it's time for Dinner & Mandatory Fun he refuses.

Counselor calls me frantic because he "won't tell her what's wrong" umm, what part of "I'm exhausted and not hungry" isn't telling her? O.o

anyway, I tell her to tell him that he has to go, but doesn't have to participate and to not worry if he's the weird kid in the corner...it's an art school, there are certainly plenty of those to be had, and apologized for his being difficult. I didn't hear back from them so I figure it's all going well enough.

I'm feeling so frustrated because every thing this kid does with other humans is always this difficult, and there's always this phone call, and I'm worried that he's never going to catch on with the social cues and learn to fake it past ladies like this counselor. <deep sigh>

We have spent a lot of time over the last year discussing social cues, learning to read micro-expressions and body language in order to keep foot out of mouth...all the things an ENFJ, like me, takes for granted, he needs spelled out, and then given a reason to care about it. It is a major labor of love helping him appear human, some days.

Fast forward to Student Showcase <aka parents day>
Ahh, the paradox that is the INTP

I had two staff members see my name tag, and double back to ask "you're Andrew's mom? He's really talented, you know. It's been great having him this week"

And then, the girl who called me yesterday stopped me and said "just to follow up, you were totes right. I left him alone and then next thing I know he's off with the whole group of girls playing putt-putt, riding go-carts and having a great time. I have no idea why leaving him alone made that happen, but it did!" <facepalm> Yea. "Totes" INTP. Tell them they're going to have fun an they get all Contrarian on you. Tell them they're welcome to brood and watch them flourish without the weight of expectation.

And then, they're handing out tuition scholarships to the rising seniors, and announce that they are giving two special scholarships to rising juniors to return to Summer Studio next year for free and one of them went to him.

He drove back home in my car, and tells me that "all of the things you told me about socializing are correct and actually work" and "It was a little weird being the best looking, most clever guy in the group, but it sure didn't hurt with the girls." This sounds conceited but he's saying it as an almost scientific assessment.... it was a seriously motley group of kids at this 'camp' and he really did get treated to some serious attention and flirtation that wouldn't happen in his suburban Texas life because he's no captain of the *anything* team.
He also said it was really nice that no one there knew him or any of his family...he was just Andrew, not Lizzie's brother or Steve and Allison's kid, which makes absolute sense to me.

Oh my word, I'm just o.O. I hardly even know what to think when he shares that much about himself.

It's a good thing that this ENFJ mom can roll with a paradox because that boy is every bit of one. INTP = perpetual parenting whiplash. 😎

I'm always a little amazed by how seriously I underestimate him, but I suppose as long as there are those phone calls, there will be that underlying lack of trust that he's going to make it ok, even though he also regularly shows me that he is a hard worker...and hard working goes a long way toward forgiving social awkwardness.

[sweetpeasmommy]

Mom to ENTP who always appreciates your posts and hopes to have the same degree of success in 7ish yrs. right now we are still at "x upset feeler friend? *I* wouldn't have been upset"

[ReedleBeetle]

[Codi]

EXHAUSTED ENTP mom here too (8yo ds1) who appreciates your posts as well.

[L-Boogie]

And here I am wishing I could be a fly on the wall during your facial expressions interpretation coaching... .

[Saoirse]

You rock!!!

[Teacher Mom]

I have not seen your other posts, but this one did make me smile....my son is like that too. Annnnnd good looking....I seriiously had a recent talk with him because I am afrrrrrraid of girls pouncing on him at fair this year...there.are.some.really. ugh....aggressive girls out there and my son is only 13 but tall and handsome....a chick magnet

but still socially a "Sheldon" on many levels..... i totally loved how you said he would say all that - in a scientific sorta way - cause that is how my son speaks to me too. It makes me laugh inside.....

thanks for sharing!! and so happy he got the scholarship!!! yay!!!!!

[Little Forest]

You must be *so* proud, of him and of yourself.
Posted via Mobile Device

[SouthPaw]

it's funny to read about "us"

[ShiriChayim]

It's so hopeful to hear better stories. I haven't typed my kiddos in any sense, and I tend to be pretty bad at that sort of thing anyway, but man...8 is kicking my butt here.

[allisonintx]

The facial expressions thing: we use TV for that.

I learned it a long time ago from a book, but the idea to teach Andrew as a survival mechanism came from the tv show Lie to Me. It's on netflix and is a great tutorial/introduction to reading people's nonverbal cues.

[Sparrow]

I just love your posts. You're so insightful.

[Codi]

The title keeps catching me and making me face palm. Cause it's SO my ds1. Contrarian. Sooooooo much so. All. The. Time.

[allisonintx]

I've often said that parenting Andrew is like parenting the Borg. Nothing works on him more than once....until recently.

I realized that I was shooting myself in the foot. As long as I couch everything in terms of "most of the time" and "usually" rather than as any kind of absolute. Any time I would use an absolute and then later it turns out not to be so absolute, it confirmed to him that I couldn't be trusted. Actually, he had pretty much decided that all adults are liars because nothing is absolute or the things they insist are WRONG, they turn around and do it themselves citing "it's different" when it's not. Saying "usually, most of the time, and generally speaking" when discussing rules with him, really makes a huge difference in his willingness to cooperate across the board.

[sweetpeasmommy]

Absolutes don't fly here either. One time I insisted that throwing a broken toy in the kiddie pool wouldn't make it work. Ever. But it did. I lost all credibility that day.

C can read facial expressions just fine and pick up on what another person feels. The problem is, he determines their upset to be invalid if it wouldn't upset him and frankly doesn't care. Especially a certain friend that is a big feeler, c is just :meh