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01-17-2010, 09:22 PM | #31 |
Rose Garden
The Lion Cub
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Northern Arizona
Posts: 10,798
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
You all are so wise - I'm just going to join in and soak in all the wisdom I can glean.
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Mama to The Engineer (7 yo) "When I grow up, I'm going to build Highway 100!"
The Imaginative Adventurer (4.5 yo) "I'm going to rescue you!" and The Lion Cub (1 yo)- Smart, cute, strong, and unstoppable! Sister to BlessedBlue forever Co-Founder and Lead Writer at Food Allergies On Ice |
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01-17-2010, 09:30 PM | #32 |
Rose Garden
Standing for gentleness and honesty
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Looking for Hope
Posts: 12,027
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
And Allison, your Born to be Mild description fits my DH to a T! Last edited by Maggirayne; 05-25-2014 at 03:43 PM. |
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01-17-2010, 09:33 PM | #33 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 15,359
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
subbing.
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Marsha Learning to be a single, wohm mom to my girls Ainslee (June 10, 2002) and Riley (August 9, 2005)! |
01-18-2010, 08:45 AM | #34 | ||
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dd running through the sprinkler last summer
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 7,345
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
Quote:
I remember in college when I said "I'M MAD!" I went "I'm MAD!" It was so freeing to be able to acknowledge it. My mom is NOT a validater- she is a suppressor, don't-rock-the-boater. And her typical response to something that upsets me is, "Oh well". NOTHING makes me madder than that now. I have a hard time telling if I've actually got a reason to be mad about or I"m just being a brat. I've gotten stuck there though. I don't know what to do once I know I"m mad. I fall back on the stuff my dad did- yell and hit stuff (not people). Allison, thank you. It gives me a lot of hope to see someone has gotten THROUGH this anger thing. I thought I was doing so good. DD said the other day, "Why are you mad all the time?" I thought that I was doing so good, not having a temper tantrum for weeks. The day after that, I DID have a bad day. Anyway, I have hope. Can you (or someone else) script something for me to say? When I'm mad or when dd is mad? ---------- Post added at 03:45 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:42 PM ---------- Quote:
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01-18-2010, 08:52 AM | #35 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 79,607
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
when I was mired in anger (my father is uncomfortable with emotions at all--especially my big emotions ) I realized what can cause me anger includes primary emotions and physical states ignored:
hungry anxious/nervous lonely tired needing to pee frustrated disappointed sad unsure/confused trying to think and internal or external forces won't let me (bad for an ADD mama w/ 5 children ) So I worked on identifying the *feelings* that come *before* the losing it moment. They include, for me, tension in my neck and shoulders, self talk that is mean and violent in my head, and loss of focus. The sooner I can realize this is happening the quicker I stop and take a self-evaluation. Why am I feeling this way? What is happening? I go through the situation, and tune into my body and my emotions, and then I address what is causing it. And if I start to lose it, I can still catch myself and change the next moment. I am not a victim of my big feelings and no one else need be either
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01-18-2010, 09:00 AM | #36 |
Deactivated
Join Date: Apr 2007
Posts: 9,829
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
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01-18-2010, 09:10 AM | #37 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 15,359
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
this may be OT, but in an earlier thread, a woman said that her mother said "oh well" a lot. Well, my oldest is a DRAMA QUEEN, and I say "I don't care" a lot. I need to find a new phrase. Usually like if I say " you need to go clean your room now" after appropriate transitoning attempts becasue transitioning is difficult for her, she can fall apart and start saying stuff like "i'll just run away" or "i hate you" "you are a mean mom" blah blah blah. And I say "I don't care, just clean your room" in an attempt to focus on what IS rather than the irrational words.
Are you saying I shouldn't do that? Any attempt to validate her at those times come across as "feeding" her reasons to feel the way she feels, and Lord knows she doesn't need more reasons, kwim?
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Marsha Learning to be a single, wohm mom to my girls Ainslee (June 10, 2002) and Riley (August 9, 2005)! |
01-18-2010, 09:14 AM | #38 |
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I knew u were trouble when u walked in . . . Tribble, Tribble, Tribble
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Downriver Detroit
Posts: 7,201
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
I am weeping because I want this. I so desperately want this. I'm dealing with it at Celebrate Recovery, but have slacked off there too. I have got to change things, b/c my children are following in my wake, setting off their own maelstroms.
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01-18-2010, 09:20 AM | #39 | |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: South Dakota.
Posts: 7,152
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
Quote:
Just saying "I don't care." may give her the feeling that you just don't care about her, not her emotions. KWIM? Herbwifemama, Positive Discipline talks about anger being the secondary emotion. It was very eye opening to me when I read it because anger is my MAIN problem. for more on this.
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01-18-2010, 09:23 AM | #40 | |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 15,359
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
Quote:
She has very limited coping skills sometimes. She doesn't have innate ones.
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Marsha Learning to be a single, wohm mom to my girls Ainslee (June 10, 2002) and Riley (August 9, 2005)! |
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01-18-2010, 09:25 AM | #41 |
Rose Garden
Some Cal/Mag will probably fix that.
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: catching up on the laundry
Posts: 41,294
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
How did I learn to identify my actual feelings?
It happened by accident. I was working hard on identifying my CHILDREN's feelings so that I could validate them, and learned my own in the process. My mom thinks that the validation of feelings in a situation is STUPID and makes fun of people who do it Starting with saying , "I'm angry because there's crap all over the family room floor" is a fair validation of my feelings, but not a great one because it's pretty vague. So I breathe, and think a little harder. "I'm hurt because I feel like it doesn't matter to my children that we all worked so hard. I'm frustrated because it's never-ending. I'm scared because my big feelings are SO BIG that I feel like I could easily hurt someone physically.....and oh, yea, by the way, I haven't eaten any protein today at all, so that's probably why it all feels so intense." Now I'm pretty rational, because I took the time to identify what was actually going on in my head and my body. This takes longer than lashing out or yelling. Like anything good, it takes more work. Organic fruit is more flavorful than pesticide ridden fruit, and is more expensive because it takes more effort to grow. Another word for expensive is "Dear" which also means Regarded with deep affection; cherished by someone. I am dear; my children are dear, we are precious in His sight and worthy of the extra time and effort. When I'm going to explode, I walk away. I start the self talk, even if what it starts with is bile "I HATE, Grouse, Grumble, Spew....until I can breathe and think and evaluate the situation for what it REALLY is. Start with validating positive feelings in yourself and your children. They're a bit easier because your brain isn't under stress. "you're really enjoying that play-dough" "when you hug me, I feel important and loved" "I'm feeling confident today/right now" "I'm relaxed" "you are so joyful!" "You're really satisfied with your good work on that drawing" FWIW, everyone responds differently to validation and how it is given. I don't like to be told how I feel, but I do like it when someone notices how I'm feeling. EX: "You are frustrated" is not a good validation for me. "You seem frustrated" is It may seem like semantics, but it's important for myself.
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allisonintx Wife to Stephen Mother to Elizabeth 19, Andrew 17, Abigail 14 & Evelyn 12 Love. You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but you take a boat in the air that you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the world. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down. Tells you she's hurting before she keens. Makes her a home. . . . . . . . |
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01-18-2010, 09:31 AM | #42 | |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: South Dakota.
Posts: 7,152
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
Quote:
Thanks!!
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01-18-2010, 09:52 AM | #43 | |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: North Eastern CA
Posts: 9,119
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
Quote:
For a while I felt like I was making so much progress in so many ways. Lately, it's like it's all come to a screeching halt. Some of the progress stuck and I'm doing better than I was 6 months ago. But I also feel myself reverting back in some ways and I'm not liking it.
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~Emily INTJ, Type 4 Wife to D Mama to: E 12/05 L 7/08 Z 12/10 A 6/14 and J in heaven 2/10 Torah Keeping, Unschooling Family My blog on unschooling and family life: Peace On Dark Nights. |
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01-18-2010, 12:04 PM | #44 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Rainy Oregon
Posts: 8,997
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
I so need this.
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Shannon, INFJ (Weekday SAHM/Weekend Barista) Wielder of fine coffee and compassionate comments. Wife to my DH, graduate teaching student Francisco (ISFP), since 7/7/07 Mom by adoption to Lina, my 11-yr-old w/sensory issues and, after 4 years, 2 months, and 20 days of infertility, birth mom to 2-yr-old Baby Bird We are a DF, GF, dye-free Jesus loving family! PM me for help or encouragement with infertility issues. |
01-18-2010, 01:44 PM | #45 |
Rose Trellis
Join Date: Oct 2009
Location: home on the hill
Posts: 1,593
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
This is what I am just beginning to learn about. What a blessing to see examples of how to think a situation through and react calmly instead of loosing it.
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