when/if do you "make" a kid do something new?

milkmommy · 02-20-2015, 07:51 AM

Cecilia been taking piano privately now for 3 years. Last fall she took up Cello. Joined the colleges being Orchestra workshop class. This class is a mix of kids and college age students. Youngest is second grade then 4th then 3 at Cecilias an 8th grader 2-3 more in highschool and 2-3 at college age and 2 more "older adults" Its not a huge class.

The students are a mix of home schoolers, local Public private and university.

Anyways because of her piano background and coming in with the ability to read already and a decent natural ears she has advanced pretty fast. SO her teacher invited her to join the following class intermediate level "full" Orchestra class. (its still not huge) she doesn't want her dropping the workshop class but feels she is ready to try some more challenging stuff. When first approached Cecilia was really excited proud and happy. However as the time got closer she wanted to "back out" saying she wanted more practice and that she wanted to do it "next week". She was soon in a mess of tears over the idea..
We told her to stay and try it.

that her teacher was NOT someone who just lightly made this suggestion and she didn't make it to all her second semester students (basically just Cecilia and one violin player). One of Cecilia's biggest challenges has always been just getting her feet wet in something new.

and she gotten worse about it over the years... Yet almost always laughs and things gee what was I worried about after...

Overall she was the same with this. some of the music she could do just fine sight on scene others were a bit "above" her just sight reading but even she admitted they could be done with practice and genuinely seemed happy to have some peices above jingle bells and row row your boat type music.

.

I always feel a bit torn on how much to push. I don't feel she is ready to completely decided on her own because she tends to pick no or wait it out definitively every time. However I dont want to just dismiss all her feeling because "she tends to give up".

Hopetobe · 02-20-2015, 08:41 AM

Hmm, that's hard. It sounds like you are doing the right thing though.

I did not like that my mother pushed me at times, but that was more due to her having no idea who I was (or refusing to see/acknowledge) or what was often best for me. Frankly, I do regret doing some things she pushed me to do.

However, I'm guessing you do have a good relationship, know who your daughter is and what she likes, etc. It sounds like maybe she just needs support and encouragement to carry out the things that she wants/wanted to do when she feels overwhelmed or discouraged. And, it sounds like you are doing that.

I think hearing and empathizing with her feelings all during the process is good. Also, giving her the practical support of what would help her be and feel more prepared for these kinds of things would be good. Maybe after she's gotten over the initial discouraged feelings and likes it, then you could check in with her to discuss the trend you see for these kinds of things and see what she thinks and if she is thankful now that you encouraged her to keep with things like that?

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

MidnightCafe · 02-20-2015, 08:45 AM

I think it's a balancing act...something you kind of have to feel out to know what to do. My own 12yr old can be the same way at times. She really struggles with anxiety. Sometimes I need to push her. Sometimes I need to back off. It's hard to always know. Usually if she's made a commitment, I require her to follow through. So, if she's already signed up for something for a period of time, she needs to go for the period of time and then she can quit if that's what she really wants.

I'm guessing you've talked to your DD about this issue, too? Sometimes some awareness and insight about what's happening can help. I talk with DD all the time about how sometimes her brain is sending panic signals that aren't really necessary, and it's important to think through where the panic is coming from. Is it legitimate or is it an overreaction? I don't want her to ignore her instincts, but I do want her to examine them. I struggle with anxiety, too. So, I've needed to learn the difference between an actual intuition about something and over-reactive anxiety.

(P.S. We just went through something similar with DD moving up a level on the swim team...

)

Sorry to not really have definitive answers. I can offer empathy.

mamacat · 02-21-2015, 08:30 AM

I think encouraging her to give this new situation a try is a really good thing while helping her with the big feelings she has about it being too hard or just meeting new people etc. by having empathy for those big feelings and reminding hwr of how she had those same big feelings about trying xyz in past and now really likes it?

milkmommy · 02-21-2015, 09:52 AM

Their were times when my parents pushed me too early and too fast. Their were also times when they allowed my natural shyness to rule so much it crippled my chances of doing many areas I could have likely enjoyed. Neither extreme was good. I both want to try to avoid that and IF a mistake is made be able to help her get through and make the needed amends.
In this case it looks likes insisting paid off. She was for example really slacking on practicing but now with new more challenging stuff she is up for the task. Nothing is just heads above her skills but nothing is where she can just wing it either. I'm noticing that about her schooling she needs constant challenges or she really just gives up. She is naturally fairly competitive usually with her self. Sometimes thats a great thing, other times though it means her own anxiety takes over and she cripples her self. Thankfully this time the push was all she needed.

HomeWithMyBabies · 02-21-2015, 10:57 AM

I wish I knew, it's something I struggle with too. When I do push I try to be open to hearing his feelings about it and reevaluating if those feelings are strong. So far when I've chosen to push the outcomes have been worth it, either it works or we learn our limits.

tempus vernum · 02-26-2015, 07:36 PM

I would take her out alone or take a walk and attempt to get to the bottom of it in a non emotional time.

I forced my son to audition for a musical because he admitted he wanted me to force him

and because I knew he'd make it

. It was a wee bit scary to do as a mom (a million things could've gone wrong) but he now thanks me

Music and any art is a tricky thing. It takes a lot of bravery to put yourself out there

. Its risky and sometimes the risk is overwhelming.

CelticJourney · 02-26-2015, 07:57 PM

Can you find a middle ground. Like 'make' her go with the understanding that you won't 'make' her play. Let her get past the newness of the group and environment and then tackle the newness of the music in a different step.

milkmommy · 02-26-2015, 08:25 PM

She loves the class now

Aerynne · 02-27-2015, 12:29 AM

I was going to suggest seeing if she would agree to try it for a month with the understanding that she could back out after that time. Sounds like you don't need that suggestion, though.

tempus vernum · 02-27-2015, 09:45 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by milkmommy

She loves the class now

Crying cleanses and laughter heals. So many of my student performers have big crying meltdowns and then wipe the tears and rehearse or perform. It's like the emotions build up and they just flow out.

So glad she likes it.

mamacat · 02-27-2015, 02:28 PM

Sounds like you were able to hit perfect balance of encoraging and helping her to have confidence to try it!

02-20-2015, 07:51 AM	#1
milkmommy Rose Garden sisters! Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Sunniest place on Earth and hotter than Phoenix! Might as well be sitting on the sun... Posts: 35,300	when/if do you "make" a kid do something new? Cecilia been taking piano privately now for 3 years. Last fall she took up Cello. Joined the colleges being Orchestra workshop class. This class is a mix of kids and college age students. Youngest is second grade then 4th then 3 at Cecilias an 8th grader 2-3 more in highschool and 2-3 at college age and 2 more "older adults" Its not a huge class. The students are a mix of home schoolers, local Public private and university. Anyways because of her piano background and coming in with the ability to read already and a decent natural ears she has advanced pretty fast. SO her teacher invited her to join the following class intermediate level "full" Orchestra class. (its still not huge) she doesn't want her dropping the workshop class but feels she is ready to try some more challenging stuff. When first approached Cecilia was really excited proud and happy. However as the time got closer she wanted to "back out" saying she wanted more practice and that she wanted to do it "next week". She was soon in a mess of tears over the idea.. We told her to stay and try it. that her teacher was NOT someone who just lightly made this suggestion and she didn't make it to all her second semester students (basically just Cecilia and one violin player). One of Cecilia's biggest challenges has always been just getting her feet wet in something new. and she gotten worse about it over the years... Yet almost always laughs and things gee what was I worried about after... Overall she was the same with this. some of the music she could do just fine sight on scene others were a bit "above" her just sight reading but even she admitted they could be done with practice and genuinely seemed happy to have some peices above jingle bells and row row your boat type music. . I always feel a bit torn on how much to push. I don't feel she is ready to completely decided on her own because she tends to pick no or wait it out definitively every time. However I dont want to just dismiss all her feeling because "she tends to give up". __________________ Deanna wife to Shawn since 2001 mom to a young adult Cecilia , tween Margaret and three I will hold one day in heaven.

02-20-2015, 08:41 AM	#2
Hopetobe Rose Garden Join Date: Oct 2011 Location: "Sun, sun, sun, sunny day" Posts: 3,844	when/if do you "make" a kid do something new? Hmm, that's hard. It sounds like you are doing the right thing though. I did not like that my mother pushed me at times, but that was more due to her having no idea who I was (or refusing to see/acknowledge) or what was often best for me. Frankly, I do regret doing some things she pushed me to do. However, I'm guessing you do have a good relationship, know who your daughter is and what she likes, etc. It sounds like maybe she just needs support and encouragement to carry out the things that she wants/wanted to do when she feels overwhelmed or discouraged. And, it sounds like you are doing that. I think hearing and empathizing with her feelings all during the process is good. Also, giving her the practical support of what would help her be and feel more prepared for these kinds of things would be good. Maybe after she's gotten over the initial discouraged feelings and likes it, then you could check in with her to discuss the trend you see for these kinds of things and see what she thinks and if she is thankful now that you encouraged her to keep with things like that? Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk __________________ Probably on my phone, and Andrea INTP, DYT 4/1 Wife to B ~9yrs Mom to E 3yo & L 1yo 10/13/09 Last edited by Hopetobe; 02-20-2015 at 08:45 AM.

02-20-2015, 08:45 AM	#3
MidnightCafe Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 5,187	Re: when/if do you "make" a kid do something new? I think it's a balancing act...something you kind of have to feel out to know what to do. My own 12yr old can be the same way at times. She really struggles with anxiety. Sometimes I need to push her. Sometimes I need to back off. It's hard to always know. Usually if she's made a commitment, I require her to follow through. So, if she's already signed up for something for a period of time, she needs to go for the period of time and then she can quit if that's what she really wants. I'm guessing you've talked to your DD about this issue, too? Sometimes some awareness and insight about what's happening can help. I talk with DD all the time about how sometimes her brain is sending panic signals that aren't really necessary, and it's important to think through where the panic is coming from. Is it legitimate or is it an overreaction? I don't want her to ignore her instincts, but I do want her to examine them. I struggle with anxiety, too. So, I've needed to learn the difference between an actual intuition about something and over-reactive anxiety. (P.S. We just went through something similar with DD moving up a level on the swim team...) Sorry to not really have definitive answers. I can offer empathy. __________________ Wife to DH, friend of my soul... Mama to Mane (age 14), Vespera (age 26), and Niteo (son-in-law)

02-21-2015, 08:30 AM	#4
mamacat Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 26,473	Re: when/if do you "make" a kid do something new? I think encouraging her to give this new situation a try is a really good thing while helping her with the big feelings she has about it being too hard or just meeting new people etc. by having empathy for those big feelings and reminding hwr of how she had those same big feelings about trying xyz in past and now really likes it? __________________ ~Catherine~ Mama to 5: C W C J S And Grandma to 3: A ,K and baby C

02-21-2015, 09:52 AM	#5
milkmommy Rose Garden sisters! Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Sunniest place on Earth and hotter than Phoenix! Might as well be sitting on the sun... Posts: 35,300	Re: when/if do you "make" a kid do something new? Their were times when my parents pushed me too early and too fast. Their were also times when they allowed my natural shyness to rule so much it crippled my chances of doing many areas I could have likely enjoyed. Neither extreme was good. I both want to try to avoid that and IF a mistake is made be able to help her get through and make the needed amends. In this case it looks likes insisting paid off. She was for example really slacking on practicing but now with new more challenging stuff she is up for the task. Nothing is just heads above her skills but nothing is where she can just wing it either. I'm noticing that about her schooling she needs constant challenges or she really just gives up. She is naturally fairly competitive usually with her self. Sometimes thats a great thing, other times though it means her own anxiety takes over and she cripples her self. Thankfully this time the push was all she needed. __________________ Deanna wife to Shawn since 2001 mom to a young adult Cecilia , tween Margaret and three I will hold one day in heaven.

02-21-2015, 10:57 AM	#6
HomeWithMyBabies Rose Garden Join Date: Oct 2005 Posts: 24,062	Re: when/if do you "make" a kid do something new? I wish I knew, it's something I struggle with too. When I do push I try to be open to hearing his feelings about it and reevaluating if those feelings are strong. So far when I've chosen to push the outcomes have been worth it, either it works or we learn our limits.

02-26-2015, 07:36 PM	#7
tempus vernum Rose Garden I am the mountain. I am not the storm and the storm is not me. -Ian Cron Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 28,913	Re: when/if do you "make" a kid do something new? I would take her out alone or take a walk and attempt to get to the bottom of it in a non emotional time. I forced my son to audition for a musical because he admitted he wanted me to force him and because I knew he'd make it . It was a wee bit scary to do as a mom (a million things could've gone wrong) but he now thanks me Music and any art is a tricky thing. It takes a lot of bravery to put yourself out there . Its risky and sometimes the risk is overwhelming. __________________ ~Spring always comes after winter~ 2 Corinthians 4:16 “ Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. ” Last edited by tempus vernum; 02-27-2015 at 03:47 PM.

02-26-2015, 07:57 PM	#8
CelticJourney Administrator Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 34,565	Re: when/if do you "make" a kid do something new? Can you find a middle ground. Like 'make' her go with the understanding that you won't 'make' her play. Let her get past the newness of the group and environment and then tackle the newness of the music in a different step. __________________ Elizabeth "Truth without love is divisive and hurtful & love without truth is anemic"--Pastor Estep Arise, cry out in the night...pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord; Lift up your hands to him for the lives of your children..; Lamentations 2:19

02-26-2015, 08:25 PM	#9
milkmommy Rose Garden sisters! Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Sunniest place on Earth and hotter than Phoenix! Might as well be sitting on the sun... Posts: 35,300	Re: when/if do you "make" a kid do something new? She loves the class now __________________ Deanna wife to Shawn since 2001 mom to a young adult Cecilia , tween Margaret and three I will hold one day in heaven.

02-27-2015, 12:29 AM	#10
Aerynne Rose Garden Join Date: Jun 2005 Posts: 27,359	Re: when/if do you "make" a kid do something new? I was going to suggest seeing if she would agree to try it for a month with the understanding that she could back out after that time. Sounds like you don't need that suggestion, though. __________________ Erin born of water and of the Spirit 4/96 married 5/02 Mama to: 2004 2007 2010 2012 2017 2019 Jan 2, 2024 And many I hope to hold in heaven one day

02-27-2015, 02:28 PM	#12
mamacat Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 26,473	Re: when/if do you "make" a kid do something new? Sounds like you were able to hit perfect balance of encoraging and helping her to have confidence to try it! __________________ ~Catherine~ Mama to 5: C W C J S And Grandma to 3: A ,K and baby C

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