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Old 07-23-2018, 08:58 AM   #1
keepinghome
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Default Navigating parenting a challenging stepchild

I have 2 kids 6(boy) and 9 (girl) and am divorced. I'm marrying a widower who has 2 kids also - 6 (girl) and 7 (boy) - mom died 2.5 years ago. I really struggle so much with his 6 year old. She is so challenging. These are issues I dealt with in my kids when they were 3,4,5. The only person she listens well to is her dad. I'm watching his kids this summer while he's at work and I'm on a break from nursing school and daily there are multiple issues she fights me on, and then fights more about the consequence I've told her would happen and then I end up just sending her to her room because I'm at a loss! For instance the other day:
ME: "A, you have to keep the legos on the blanket. If they are off the blanket you'll have to take a break and come back to try in a little bit."
Later when the legos aren't on the blanket - "A - you need to take a break from legos now"
A: sits there. "I don't want too!!!"
ME: you're choice is go play something else or you can go to your room.
A: continues to sit there and whine.
ME: it looks like you are choosing to go to your room, please go now.
A: continues to sit there and whine
ME: physically pick her up and carry her to her room.

And there was a situation at a museum (many of the articles were out in the open, not in a case) where I had told all the kids if they touched anything they would need to hold my hand. She touched something after explicitly being told not to, so I told her she would need to hold my hand. She refused, whined, and pulled at me when I tried to hold her hand so I just took her to her dad.

Is there something better I could be doing?! Some magic tool I'm forgetting about?! I feel like I have to have 2 consequences ready because the first one is never enough. All the kids are so easy but I have to constantly be getting onto her about something. I'm sure it makes her feel worse and act worse, always being the only one in trouble. I know she was spanked pretty regularly up until the last few months when my fiance quit spanking. Any advice, book recommendations, etc would be appreciated! I've been out of practice, and I feel punitive.

(Also, so grateful GCM is still around )
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Old 07-23-2018, 09:46 AM   #2
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Default Re: Navigating parenting a challenging stepchild

This child has lost her beloved mama. And now it likely feels like she is about to lose hr daddy. she doesnt want anyone else to try and be that to her which is why she only accepts that from her dad right now. You have got to. Got to. got to establish love relationship of your own with her before anything else. Choose battles and issues carefully. Are the legos on blanket really that important? Wording is important too because her heartbroken self is resisting any directive from you that is you being a parent to her. For now would not set her up for those kinds of scenarios. And ceratinly not tell her to go to her room or carry her there . Because the issue isnt about the legos. If you see legos off blanket or something else would suggest redirecting whole activity. Reminders not to touch at museum can be given w/o consequences. And with her reminding her that the museum doesnt want anyone touching anything in this area. connecting with her on some common ground is paramount. Even finding one thing you can do together . Asking her if she woud like to make cookies and what kind. things like that. It is different than a child of your own testing boundaries. Different dynamics
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Old 07-23-2018, 09:52 AM   #3
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Default Re: Navigating parenting a challenging stepchild

Wow, she has been through so much with losing her mother And I am sure being a stepmother in that situation, where the step children have lost their mother, is not easy at all. I would expect some acting out in a situation like that. It doesn't make it OK, but it is something to keep in mind. Has she been in counseling at all? I know she is little, but there is play therapy available to help her deal with some potential underlying grief of the loss of her mother, and it can help with the other behavioral stuff as well. And you should be able to ask the counselor the best ways to address the behaviors you are seeing. For what it's worth, I think how you are handling the behavioral issues now seems just fine. It's just frustrating. Some kids just take more hands on dealing with things.

So, for the museum, if it's not kid friendly, I would just plan on not taking her to places like that until she is more mature and can handle it better. In her eyes, I am sure the things she was seeing there were fascinating, and it is hard not to touch, even if she was told not to do it. Every kid is different, some 6 year olds could handle going and doing that type of outing, and many others can't. I think you did fine with taking her to her dad when she was upset about holding your hand.

The other thing I would suggest is to maybe take some time and focus on building up your relationship with her. It sounds like a big change for everyone.
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Old 07-23-2018, 11:56 AM   #4
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Default Re: Navigating parenting a challenging stepchild

Quote:
Originally Posted by mamacat View Post
This child has lost her beloved mama. And now it likely feels like she is about to lose hr daddy. she doesnt want anyone else to try and be that to her which is why she only accepts that from her dad right now. You have got to. Got to. got to establish love relationship of your own with her before anything else. Choose battles and issues carefully. Are the legos on blanket really that important? Wording is important too because her heartbroken self is resisting any directive from you that is you being a parent to her. For now would not set her up for those kinds of scenarios. And ceratinly not tell her to go to her room or carry her there . Because the issue isnt about the legos. If you see legos off blanket or something else would suggest redirecting whole activity. Reminders not to touch at museum can be given w/o consequences. And with her reminding her that the museum doesnt want anyone touching anything in this area. connecting with her on some common ground is paramount. Even finding one thing you can do together . Asking her if she woud like to make cookies and what kind. things like that. It is different than a child of your own testing boundaries. Different dynamics
So much this You can't parent this child like you would your own.

Sending her to her room will only emphasize the isolation and loneliness.

And legos on the blanket is a high expectation imo - they don't set properly on fabric. As she said above, you are going to have to pick your battles and seriously consider your expectations in balance with this child's heart.

I highly suggest getting some professional advice about 1) helping children who have suffered a loss 2) step-parenting and 3) combining the two.

Lost my dad ten years ago as an adult and it still hurts, can't imagine this child has healed in any serious ways in such a short time.
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Old 07-23-2018, 07:37 PM   #5
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Default Re: Navigating parenting a challenging stepchild

Along with what has been stated, 6 was a time of HUGE turbulence for my daughter. She had been a breeze in toddler years, not too hard in preschool years and then BOOM, tantrums, testing, all that stuff I though she'd be past already. Quite a few of my friends with girls the same age seemed to be dealing with similar. I don't know if boys have the same stuff at that age or not, or if most girls do or not So age stuff plus family turbulence is A LOT.


Are you and her dad seeing your care for the kids right now as you being a parent or a care taker? What about the kids? How do they see the roles here? I would try for now to be in a care taker role. Just keep her happy and alive and turn her back over to her dad with a smile and "it was fun to be with you today!"



I would go back to basics. View her as a baby in some ways. Connect in those basic ways, nurturing, fun, skin to skin via things like piggy backs and cuddly book time. Set her up for success and be ready to encourage her and offer lots of chances to try again without the tries being tests to see if she can get it right this time. And get to know her. Let her know you like her (not love her, but actually like who she is and want to be with her.)


And lady, get you some self care. It's a huge undertaking what you are going through. So be sure you are getting your basics (food, sleep, etc) and some extras too (long bath with you children up in your grill, a run, whatever you need to feel like yourself a bit.)
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Old 07-25-2018, 12:18 PM   #6
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Default Re: Navigating parenting a challenging stepchild

Thank you all for the encouragement and helping me keep things in perspective. So often I can only think about her current behavior and how difficult it is, instead of the underlying cause and focusing on my relationship with her.

I think some counseling would be good for everyone.
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Old 07-25-2018, 12:50 PM   #7
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Default Re: Navigating parenting a challenging stepchild

Look into TBRI. It is connection/attachment parenting specifically for kiddos who have experienced trauma. Karyn Purvis is (was) the founder. It is very helpful and healing.
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Old 07-26-2018, 02:43 AM   #8
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Default Re: Navigating parenting a challenging stepchild

I agree with everyone else. Is there a reason you aren’t giving her a chance to correct things before going straight to a punishment? When DH and I got married we agreed that he would not be disciplining my kids at all. If you are taking care of them that would be very difficult but I think you need to focus on relationship first. She’s gone through too much and now some lady is taking her dad and gets to punish her too. She doesn’t trust you. Try only seeing the good and ignoring as much of the bad as you can. What you look for you find. Right now you expect her to be difficult and of course she is.
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Old 07-26-2018, 06:47 AM   #9
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Default Re: Navigating parenting a challenging stepchild

I agree with others as well. But I also think beyond the obvious trauma(s) of losing your mom and having to acclimate to a new mother figure, she is still very young. Very, very young. So adjusting expectations is definitely important.
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Old 08-04-2018, 02:38 AM   #10
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Default Re: Navigating parenting a challenging stepchild

My stepsons are older than your stepdaughter and their mom is still alive, but I can relate to having some trouble parenting them sometimes. It's hard to find the right balance.
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