Encouraging kindness between siblings

[Jeanette598]

My two dds (12 and 7) have been bickering constantly recently, and it's driving me insane. Once they start arguing about something, they will not. let. it. go. They both want to prove they are right, and the end result is virtually always the 7yo yelling in frustration when she can't keep up with the 12yo's relentless logic. I try to stop the arguments before they get to the point of no return, but when it doesn't work I get frustrated and end up lecturing them about kindness, which is totally ineffective.

I need to figure out how to encourage more kindness between them. I feel like dh and I model it quite well--we're not perfect, but we are very respectful of each other. How can I encourage more thinking of others and less thinking of self?

I would love any ideas!

[Kiara.I]

All three of mine spend their time trading off who's mad at whom this time. Due to ages, it usually winds up being physical.

[rjy9343]

Sadly, I've got nothing other than commiseration. My nephew, niece and daughter do this all day long and it's all I can do to keep myself from getting caught up in it.
Once, I did lose my patience and snap that everyone of them have a God given and constitutionally protected right to be wrong. It stopped them for the day.

[The Tickle Momster]

We deal with this too. One word of encouragement, it does seem to go in cycles. When one is developing a new skill or growth spurt it impacts their relationships too.

We talk about how it is okay to walk away and let the other person believe what they want, even if you disagree. I tell my kids that as long as it is not a salvation issue, they can let the other person be wrong. Not sure what we'll do if that is ever the issue.

We also talk about how each is the only sister they will have and to treasure that special relationship.

To encourage kindness, talk to each one separately and ask them to do something nice as a surprise. Examples would be a note on a pillow, doing a chore, sharing some chocolate, etc.

Also, when mine get ramped up, I separate them. Sometimes people just need space to regroup. If it is a fight over a toy or how a shared room is arranged, usually a cooling off period is enough to allow them to work it out.

[Jeanette598]

Good to know that I'm not alone!

Originally Posted by The Tickle Momster

We talk about how it is okay to walk away and let the other person believe what they want, even if you disagree.

Yes, this is huge and I need to keep working on it. This seems to be SO hard for my dd1.

Originally Posted by The Tickle Momster

To encourage kindness, talk to each one separately and ask them to do something nice as a surprise. Examples would be a note on a pillow, doing a chore, sharing some chocolate, etc.

Good ideas.

Originally Posted by The Tickle Momster

Also, when mine get ramped up, I separate them. Sometimes people just need space to regroup. If it is a fight over a toy or how a shared room is arranged, usually a cooling off period is enough to allow them to work it out.

Yes. This weekend I introduced the concept of "tabling" a discussion--i.e., the topic is closed for the time being and no more discussion is allowed until everyone cools down.

I know a big part of the answer is simply that they need to grow in their knowledge of/love for God, because that will shape their attitudes toward everything. My problem is that I can think of so much relevant Scripture that teaches how we should treat others, but I'm super wary of using Scripture as a way to chasten my kids. I'm afraid I'll do it the wrong way and it will backfire. My dad had lots of bad memories of his mom telling him and his brother what bad Christians they were when they fought.

Maybe the key is to introduce relevant Scripture passages at a neutral time instead of when I'm upset and trying to make a point.

[marbles]

Have you read Siblings Without Rivalry? Mine are young still, but it has been very helpful.

[The Tickle Momster]

Maybe the key is to introduce relevant Scripture passages at a neutral time instead of when I'm upset and trying to make a point.

I think this is key. And, once they are familiar with it, you can remind them gently before things get out of control.

[Titus2Momof4]

YK, there are two things that have truly made a difference for us in this area:

1) The book Making Brothers and Sisters Best Friends (we actually use this for Family Bible Study). I cannot recommend this book enough; it's truly been life-changing.
2) Having the two bickering siblings work together on chores or activities we're doing. Buddy them up together and make them work together. This has helped teach them A) to get along and B) how to work alongside someone you don't care for (in the moment since they're siblings ) for the greater good/big picture.

[mamacat]

yes would focus on redirecting and sep them early on when you see things headed in that direction and just having family rule about no arguing.Save teaching them about kindness an respecting differing opinions right or wrong the concept of agreeing to disagree for unrelated neutral times.

[Living My Dream]

I'm having similar 'fun' with my two at the moment. Ds2 saw u was reading siblings without rivalry and told me, "well that won't work!" Asked him what would work and he said he didn't know!

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