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Old 11-13-2011, 06:18 AM   #151
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by ThreeKids View Post
I'm not sure the kids mind being yelled at all that much.
I want them to be considerate enough of me that they want us to have a smooth Saturday no matter what's in it for them because they know how much I do for them.

I don't think this thread does anything for getting me to yell less. It's just where I complain about how inconsiderate the kids are.
Have they grown immune to *HEARING* the yelling?

I think the ages of your kids, it's an exercise in to expect consideration...I don't think they can see outside the *me* perspective yet.

Are you finding new tools to help you stop yelling? Have you been able to id your triggers?
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Old 11-13-2011, 06:58 AM   #152
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

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I'm not sure the kids mind being yelled at all that much. They must know baby powder catastrophes while mommy's putting the baby to sleep will push mommy over the edge.

I spend my time trying to figure out how we can have a nice Saturday. I don't want to tell them smooth Saturday = we make it to the Y before it closes. I want them to be considerate enough of me that they want us to have a smooth Saturday no matter what's in it for them because they know how much I do for them.

I don't think this thread does anything for getting me to yell less. It's just where I complain about how inconsiderate the kids are.

I know I have struggled with this. Maybe it's time to reassess your expectations and peruse some resources on the developmental stages of children. It takes a lot to grow out of the egocentric (i say that in the scientific way not as an insult) mindset of a child. They can't see beyond their experiences. They are interested in instant gratification and are impulsive. They aren't thinking how their actions effect your plan for the day. They're thinking about what seems like fun right now.

It helps me to know this because it helps me not yell. When I shift my expectations to what is developmentally appropriate, I am calmer and more patient.
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Old 11-13-2011, 08:10 AM   #153
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

I don't think it's that you're not changing, it's just a slow process. It's hard to see it when it's yourself. I've expected myself to change drastically several times....I set these goals for myself, and I fail. It's so much harder to forgive yourself, but if I look back over the last year, I've changed a LOT. People tell me they look to me for advice as a mother because of my patience and insight. Qualities I didn't have a year ago. I know coming here helps, and reading everything I can find and re-reading it...it's a process. If you're here, that's a HUGE step. That's progress because it shows a desire to do better.
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Old 11-13-2011, 09:01 AM   #154
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

Have they grown immune to *HEARING* the yelling?
[/QUOTE]

They do mind the yelling. I was saying that they must not mind from a place of resentment that they were going to make a mess anyway, when there was only a 0.000001% chance that making a baby powder cloud in the living room, then spreading it further, then running outside (one in a bikini on a cold day) to spread the neighbor's leaf pile all over the road while I was putting the baby down for a nap and trying to relax myself enough that we could get it together and get out of the house wouldn't set me off. In the sense that me yelling should have been predictable the moment they touched the baby powder that they'd been told not to touch...

I get that they're just doing what's fun in the moment. I think like that myself sometimes. I just wasn't very empathetic while I was sitting in the middle of a white living room that wasn't white a few minutes before and unable to deal with the leaf mess because I didn't trust them not to come out of dd1's room and make the baby powder mess worse.

We're still functional enough that the kids are able to remind me not to yell if I do yell. For this occasion, they were not allowed to leave dd1's room even though they wanted to clean up the mess because there just wasn't going to be any productive communication going on while I was dealing with that mess.
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And my kids were going to behave perfectly all the time and if they didn't, they'd be Dobsoned, but I was going to Dobson so perfectly that they'd know not to slip up but once or twice because I was going to be sooooooo consistent and awesome and wise.
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Old 11-13-2011, 11:38 AM   #155
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by ThreeKids View Post
Have they grown immune to *HEARING* the yelling?
They do mind the yelling. I was saying that they must not mind from a place of resentment that they were going to make a mess anyway, when there was only a 0.000001% chance that making a baby powder cloud in the living room, then spreading it further, then running outside (one in a bikini on a cold day) to spread the neighbor's leaf pile all over the road while I was putting the baby down for a nap and trying to relax myself enough that we could get it together and get out of the house wouldn't set me off. In the sense that me yelling should have been predictable the moment they touched the baby powder that they'd been told not to touch...

I get that they're just doing what's fun in the moment. I think like that myself sometimes. I just wasn't very empathetic while I was sitting in the middle of a white living room that wasn't white a few minutes before and unable to deal with the leaf mess because I didn't trust them not to come out of dd1's room and make the baby powder mess worse.

We're still functional enough that the kids are able to remind me not to yell if I do yell. For this occasion, they were not allowed to leave dd1's room even though they wanted to clean up the mess because there just wasn't going to be any productive communication going on while I was dealing with that mess.[/QUOTE]
how frustrating.
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Old 11-13-2011, 07:05 PM   #156
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

Not a good day Please pray for us.

Last edited by shaslove; 11-29-2011 at 09:08 PM.
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Old 11-13-2011, 07:10 PM   #157
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

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Not a good day Please pray for us.
The good news is you can start again tomorrow.
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Old 11-13-2011, 07:48 PM   #158
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

We had a good moment. Lydia was goofing around to stall leaving my parents' house. Everyone was laughing and playing around but it was getting to be too much delaying. My dad and sister got frustrated and my dad started to snap. He said "that's not funny anymore there's a time to play and a time to stop. You have to stop." Lydia started to get "defiant" for lack of better word and push her play activity because it was just getting laughs moments before.

I stepped in and said "pick a number and play until I get there" she picked seventeen so I counted and she then said "ok I'm done playing but I'm dead now. I'll cooperate because dead people don't wiggle"

This would have been a time I would've yelled and reacted as my dad and sister. When they said stop and she wasn't ready, she "defied" them by continuing to play. I stepped in before it escalated but before gcm I'd have been frustrated right with them. I'd have gotten mad she wouldn't listen and I'd have yelled. She'd have cried and screamed and fought and continued "defying" me. I now realize that she doesn't understand why one minute we are all laughing then the next it's not ok for her to keep playing her game. She can't switch gears that quickly. For us, letting her pick a number and counting down to transition works because it's a more tangible way to move from silliness to leaving. It's an easier way for her to transition from activity to activity.
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Old 11-13-2011, 08:47 PM   #159
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

More mayhem today. The kids threw chocolate chips all over the basement. They may be in boxes that were open. It'll take me weeks to sort through everything, plenty time for the chocolate-loving pantry moths to get another foothold. They can lay eggs around a morsel like that for who knows how many generations. I may take my chances with a mediocre job because I'll lose ground supervising the kids (preventing other messes) to take on a clean-up project that thorough.

Yes, I yelled a lot. I let them help me a little this time. It's a bigger disaster than the baby powder bomb, so maybe it's progress that I trusted myself to be around them, even though I would still be fussing at them. Dd1 still got sent away when she wasn't helping anymore. They're being sent away so they'll get yelled at less. I don't know how they're interpreting it.
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And my kids were going to behave perfectly all the time and if they didn't, they'd be Dobsoned, but I was going to Dobson so perfectly that they'd know not to slip up but once or twice because I was going to be sooooooo consistent and awesome and wise.
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Old 11-14-2011, 09:03 AM   #160
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

Is anyone in this thread interested in doing the Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline 7 week challenge?
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Old 11-14-2011, 09:42 AM   #161
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by WalkByFaith View Post
Is anyone in this thread interested in doing the Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline 7 week challenge?
I'd be interested in this if I can get the book

As for yelling here today . . . had a bit of a rough bump in the mid-morning; but we're starting the day over now that I've showered and everyone's had something to eat. My trigger was the family drama I've been addressing with my FOO - this gets my anger seething and it gets directed in the wrong places. I've put my FOO back in my mental box until I meet with my counselor tonight.

That makes a huge difference for me
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Old 11-14-2011, 09:52 AM   #162
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

Hi, my name is riches, and I yell.

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Old 11-14-2011, 10:04 AM   #163
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

I'm glad I found this thread. I resort to yelling, despite the fact that I do not like it. I don't think it is fruitful at all and it makes me feel empty and helpless. I really try to cope differently. Worst are the days when my DH is gone for days (military), DD is teething badly (aka no sleep) and DS just refuses to listen to anything I say. I know it's his age and stage, and I know I have to be better for them, it's just a long and hard way to get there. I just need to find a way to address DS's hmmm developmental stage? I'm praying for more patience. I really do lack it.
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Old 11-14-2011, 10:10 AM   #164
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by WalkByFaith View Post
Is anyone in this thread interested in doing the Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline 7 week challenge?
okay - I just bought the Kindle version and am starting to read
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Old 11-14-2011, 10:41 AM   #165
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by WalkByFaith View Post
Is anyone in this thread interested in doing the Easy to Love, Difficult to Discipline 7 week challenge?
I would! I have started the book, but I'm only about 4 chapters in. Would I have to have it finished to do the challenge? There is SO MUCH in that book that I have to read it slowly. And I have a feeling I would be able to read it 10 times and still be learning! So much good stuff in there. I would love the accountability of a group doing it together, too.
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  • bbcode_parse_complete_precache
  • bbcode_parse_complete
  • postbit_display_complete
  • error_fetch
  • post_groan_function_fetch_groan_bit_start
  • post_groan_function_show_groan_date_start
  • post_groan_function_fetch_groan_bit_end
  • post_groan_function_fetch_post_groan_template_start
  • post_groan_function_fetch_post_groan_template_end
  • pagenav_page
  • pagenav_complete
  • tag_fetchbit_complete
  • forumrules
  • showthread_bookmarkbit
  • navbits
  • navbits_complete
  • showthread_complete