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Unprepared for Parenting (Ezzos, Pearls, Etc.) *Public* Support and information for those affected by the Ezzos, the Pearls, and other punitive and adversarial methods of child-rearing. A public forum. Before posting here, please read this sticky and keep guideline 23 in mind:
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07-26-2012, 12:26 PM | #1 |
Rose Bush
Crunchy mama
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Western ND
Posts: 304
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how to get out of a punitive mindset
I was raised with punitive discipline and my husband also, we started out very grace-like when DD was born but a friend who was trying to help gave me the TTUAC when she was just about 2 and Created to be his helpmeet books along with a few other parents who swear this is the only way. there is also a created/helpmeet bible study EVERYONE I know goes to, it really screwed up our heads and now it's been very hard to get out of the "you need to be punished" mindset.
I was on the pets page today and yesterday asking about if it was even possible to train our dog gently too. this made me realize WE have been "trained wrong" with how to deal with most conflicts Any ideas on how to get out of this Punitive mindset? also hubby struggles with guilt that if you aren't punitive it makes you permissive
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all around crunchy, T1 diabetic and oil field mama Enfp/Entj/Entp ~Anna~ to HB-DD Nakyla 8/12/08 HB-stillborn 38w DS Anias 4/15/11 following a grain-free, sugar-free Paleo/Primal/GAPS type diet |
07-27-2012, 05:51 AM | #2 |
Climbing Rose
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: Cardiff, Wales, UK
Posts: 1,192
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Re: how to get out of a punitive mindset
There are a lot of Mamas here who have BTDT
Best thing you can do is simply immerse yourself in the culture of gentle discipline. Read the threads in the GD forum, especially look at the GD info and FAQ section which has lots of helpful info. I recommend http://aolff.org/ Crystal's (ArmsOfLove) website, and her books, Biblical Parenting and Grace Based Living Also another book, Families Where Grace Is In Place by Jeff VanVonderen. Oh, and one of my all time favourite parenting articles, which saved my sanity when our dc were younger http://goybparenting.com/?page_id=54 The whole website is good. Gentle discipline is far from permissive. It focuses on teaching the child what to do. It also focuses on long term results rather than quick fixes. There are many ways to set firm limits without using punishment, intimidation, yelling, scolding, bribery or other forms of emotional manipulation. The word discipline comes from the same route as the word disciple. Biblically it's a very different concept from punishment. I often say that a discipline is something you follow, not something you "do" to someone. Most importantly, what is your view of Father God like? Do you tend to think that difficulties or things going wrong are God punishing you for things? There's an article here on what the Greek word for discipline in the New Testament, paedeia, actually means. http://jeriwho.net/lillypad2/?p=8460 I'm horrified at the number of Bible versions which translate this word as "punish" in Hebrews 12, despite the fact that the "discipline" being referred to was persecution, not punishment, and was happening as a result of something the Hebrew Christians were doing right, not wrong! There is NO PUNISHMENT for those who are in Christ Jesus, because all our punishment fell onto Jesus on the Cross. The only thing left for God to do is disciple (discipline/teach/coach/nurture) us. Our parenting needs to reflect this so that our children can grow up with an accurate picture of Father, and what it is like to be part of God's family. HTH
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Emma INFP mama to DS21 and twin DSS19 Married to my ENTJ sweetheart for 28 years
Last edited by NewCovenantMama; 07-27-2012 at 06:31 AM. |
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07-27-2012, 06:15 AM | #3 |
Rose Garden
Dove - noir
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Cincy, OH
Posts: 5,600
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Re: how to get out of a punitive mindset
Still working through that process here. I was raised in a military family.
were all steps that have helped. Its not a perfect journey- but it has been a huge stretch of growth for me and my DH. |
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07-27-2012, 06:26 AM | #4 |
Deactivated
Peace be with you.
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: the sweet sunny south
Posts: 15,346
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Re: how to get out of a punitive mindset
I don't know if you like to read fiction or if you ever developed an affinity for Anne of Green Gables when you were a girl, but it's a story about how the orphaned Anne learns to fit into and love her adoptive community (and they learn to accept her as she is, with the gifts she uniquely brings to the world). The author presents several paradigms of discipline, as the community struggles with their role of disciplining/socializing/curbing/guiding/loving this unusual new girl in their midst.
I think if you're familiar with the book you'll maybe resonate with the role of grace versus punishment in the book. And if not that book, perhaps other books. Very often in fiction there is a theme of growth through some form of discipline--not punishment, mind you, but discipline--where the main character learns a lesson, not because they were punished, but because they learned through experience, or they were shown grace, or they had a mentor whose example they valued, or they observed what happened to another character and learned from that, etc. I think we recognize and understand and applaud grace in literature because we identify with the character. We understand the character is a person who, like us, wants to get along in the world, which is something we often fail to see in our own children. I also see that people who have punitive mindsets are often woefully ignorant of child development. Some learning in that area can make a big difference, and will help remove the punitive-colored glasses. |
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07-27-2012, 07:01 AM | #5 | ||
Rose Garden
The Gospel is for Christians, too :).
Join Date: Apr 2006
Posts: 6,911
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Re: how to get out of a punitive mindset
Quote:
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Because that word is *big* in classical ed circles, particularly those that look closely at what education meant in Greek and Roman culture, and it's this holistic, humane, formative ideal of education. It encompasses every aspect of a person, so that physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually the student is brought ever closer to the ideal. (Alder's Paideia Proposal is one modern adaptation, and I think the Circe Institute is inspired by the idea of paideia as well.) That word is *so* much more than mere punishment - the mind boggles at the idea of paideia being reduced to nothing more than punishing wrongdoing .
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~ forty-two ~
Possessor of The Answer to Everything and Solver of (Somebody Else's) Problems INTJ: introverted iNtuition with extraverted Thinking DYT 4/2: connecting intellectually and emotionally Enneagram 5w4: a need to perceive and to feel special Wife to my pastor dh (INTP) since 2003 Mother to: dd13, 'R' dd10.5, 'A' ds8, 'J' and two in heaven: miscarried 10/29/04 and 01/01/05 Blog: Lutherama What we want is just one thing, not the thing. |
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07-28-2012, 03:16 AM | #6 |
Rose Trellis
Go Team Lioness!
Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: This side of the black stump
Posts: 2,428
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Re: how to get out of a punitive mindset
I second the Five Steps as a starting point . A big thing for me in the beginning was that if DS didn't obey me, I'd panic: Now what do I do? The Five Steps gave me an answer. I also second getting understanding of normal childhood development - especially at your DD's age, which is a particularly difficult one Enjoy the journey!
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Our blossoms: DS "Little Bear" Apr '07 - The negotiator
DD "Miss Muffett" Nov '08 "Don't tell Daddy..." DS "Mouse" Jan '12 "I Soup Baby, Man of steel! " Myth Busting over at Dare to Disciple "Believe in yourself. Trust your instincts. Unless your instincts are terrible." Vitruvius, The LEGO Movie. |
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07-28-2012, 12:41 PM | #7 | |
Rose Trellis
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 2,959
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Re: how to get out of a punitive mindset
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I'm so glad you're here!! I already know you're a great mama with a desire to learn more about grace. Your heart is SO in the right spot! I love hanging out with you, and my "ick" meter for punitive parenting is very sensitive, lol! You're doing great, mama!
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Sarah, INFJ Wife to M since 1/04 Mommy to S (1/07), W (1/09), S (1/11)~My UC baby, and A (12/14), Another UC baby , Baby-Wearing, , Cloth Diapering, , Traditional Foods Family My blog |
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