Child who doesn't want to do any school... advice?

[LovelyGourmet]

We have homeschooled from the beginning and C (9 and my firstborn) has resisted it from the start. I think part of the problem has been me but it seems like whatever approach I take he just doesn't want to do anything. We don't do anything super rigorous. Right now for math we are only doing Life of Fred but he will fight me on most every problem. As soon as I announce the next subject he launches into "But I don't waaaant to do that." He has also started doing that when I ask anything else of him. Dh thinks it's a discipline issue and wants me to assign extra work any time C complains about what he has to do. I worry that will only make him hate school more. Obviously he doesn't like it now anyway which is what Dh pointed out and maybe a week of extra work when he complains will fix the problem and then we won't have to worry about it. I don't feel so sure that's the right approach though.

Any advice?

[Katigre]

How does he have being challenged/having to work when he's in a group led by another adult?

[mamacat]

I would def not assign extra work and in fact would do the opposite and have a break this week and for a couple of days - just do more fun things. Play computer learning games, take a field trip , ask him what he would like to learn about. His age is often the age of complaining about school work.When you get back to regular routine have a pep talk - I know you dont always want to do school but you do have to do schoolwork and the faster you get it done the more time you will have for (xyz). Then daily when you set up math for him something like - it is time to do the math lesson for today and if you can not complain and get it done you will have time to play with legos for awhile before lunch (or go outside etc) Or if he likes fun math games online you could give him the incentive that if he can finish the L of F lesson without complaining, he can play a math game.

[NovelMama]

Are there any privileges he earns? Screen time is directly tied to behavior and attitude in our house - didn't always used to do it that way, but we recently changed to that and it's been very helpful. They start the day with no screen time and have to earn it throughout the morning (which is when we do chores and school). Some kids are intrinsically motivated, and others have to learn it. Mine both have had to learn that; neither of them have any interest or drive to do academics and need to have some external motivation to do it well.

[LovelyGourmet]

Screen time is only allowed 3 days out of the week and then only if school and chores are done. Same thing with having friends over or going to friends houses. I'm wondering if it's too far removed to be motivating though. Maybe if each subject is worth a certain amount of screen time that would be more motivating? It is hard to keep track of how much screen time they are having though which is why I haven't done it as a time limit before and used the natural flow of our day and limiting what days to keep screen time minimal.

We have tried backing off of school a few times... to the point that I feel like he isn't where he should be. Every time we start more things he complains that "we didn't have to do this last week".

---------- Post added at 10:10 AM ---------- Previous post was at 10:04 AM ----------

Originally Posted by ECingMama

Is discipline an issue in other aspects of life?

Is he gifted?

Reading on grade level? Reads for fun?

Does chores well?

It does seem to be anything I ask him to do. The other day he wouldn't heat up extra chicken for his brothers for lunch because "they aren't babies and can do it themselves" and begs to stay at co-op after I tell him it's time to leave. He can't seem to accept no as the answer.

He's a pretty average 9yo I think.

He reads well but hasn't been reading as much for fun as he used to. He's suddenly decided every story is boring. And he has started complaining about reading time during school (even though I let him read whatever he wants) because he reads before bed so that should count.

He complains a lot about doing chores. It's an every day fight and then when he is asked to do anything "extra" like clean up a room that isn't on the every day chore list it's the end of the world.

[Katigre]

Originally Posted by LovelyGourmet

Screen time is only allowed 3 days out of the week and then only if school and chores are done. Same thing with having friends over or going to friends houses. I'm wondering if it's too far removed to be motivating though. Maybe if each subject is worth a certain amount of screen time that would be more motivating? It is hard to keep track of how much screen time they are having though which is why I haven't done it as a time limit before and used the natural flow of our day and limiting what days to keep screen time minimal.

We have tried backing off of school a few times... to the point that I feel like he isn't where he should be. Every time we start more things he complains that "we didn't have to do this last week".

I agree with you that it doesn't sound like backing off school is the right solution when this has been a long-standing issue in his work ethic/attitude toward school. That's building a habit that runs counter to long-term homeschooling success.

Plus, he's reaching an age where academics shouldn't be decreasing in time but be increasing as he moves into more content-rich areas after mastering the 3 R's of early elementary school. Those content subjects take time - no matter how you tackle them - and I would be concerned that building an expectation of school as something he does less of the more he resists may make moving into more in-depth science, history, reading, writing, math something he resists instead of embraces as a good, enjoyable part of his homeschooling.

I believe strongly in challenging kids in the realm of school. My kids best academic growth has come when they faced an assignment that intimidated them and initially led to some tears and frustration. But I didn't back off of requiring it, I knew they were capable of it, we kept working on it, and they were so proud of themselves when they finished and saw what they'd produced. Working through the process of academic challenge has built a real sense of accomplishment of what they're capable of, above and beyond what they initially thought. Both my older kids (8 and 11) have referred back to those experiences to encourage their siblings when they face a challenge with their schoolwork and question their ability to tackle it. Those types of experiences of conquering a challenge are important for developing self-confidence IMO.

Is homeschooling the right choice for him? Every parent-child relationship is different, and what can be a great fit for some can be less optimal for others. Not all kids learn well from their parents at home, and some do better in a classroom setting (just like not all kids learn well in a classroom setting, and some learn better at home with their parents instead).

[ViolaMum]

What mamacat said. Sometimes you just need to change things up, if only for a day. That age can be very complain-y. Sometimes a check list helps, or a visual of some sort with goals and rewards or "if/then". My oldest likes to use the white board and write up things for ME to do when she's done with her work.

Does he like read-alouds? You could choose a book together to read, or do his work orally for a bit as long as he cooperates, or let him type it up? (My two oldest HATE to write a lot, especially before 10 yo, but they'll type on the computer.)

If you want to do games, Khan Academy is fun for math at that age. We have a stash of learning games - Wrap-ups, I Sea 10, Bananagrams, Timeline, Logic puzzles, STEAM challenges, even games like Scrabble and Clue.

[LovelyGourmet]

He doesn't whine with adults that are not family that I have seen (he has complained when my mom has asked him to do things). He does tend to dawdle and not complete things if he thinks they are too hard though, especially if it involves writing.

[ECingMama]

Is discipline an issue in other aspects of life?

Is he gifted?

Reading on grade level? Reads for fun?

Does chores well?

[tempus vernum]

Originally Posted by ECingMama

Is discipline an issue in other aspects of life?

Is he gifted?

Reading on grade level? Reads for fun?

Does chores well?

and how is his vision, focus, and other developmental milestones (do u know abt midline? I’m curious if he was age typical in crawling and tying shoes). Before I did anything I’d be very carefully considering those.

PLUS how’s his diet? Does he get enough fats? is he a kid who eats peanut butter out of the jar? Or craves salt?

Is this seasonal (fall?) or all the time?

Before I worked on environment or behavior, I’d be looking at organic issues.

[Quiteria]

It sounds like he might do best with more structure.

[CelticJourney]

I'm going to agree some of the above - might be academic reasons or physical - with the additions of a BUT. Some things you do have to casually speak from power (ie, state what is going to happen nicely)

For example 'we didn't have to do that last week' might get a 'yap, but we are doing it this week' and just keep moving forward. The 'they aren't babies' might be 'I didn't say to get it for them if they couldn't. I asked you to do something and expect you follow through'.

And on the other hand, I think you might need to give him the power to have some control. Maybe write a list of academic things that need to get done and let him chose the order or break up tasks into smaller tasks, but all completed in the day.

I also think you are on to something re privileges and frequency. I dragged myself out of bed this morning at 6am to go into work not because I love what I do (which I am kinda do) but because I am getting paid. We tell our kids to thing of school as their work, but I know I wouldn't get up so early, drive into town, etc, etc if there wasn't a tangible benefit at the end of the process.

One thing to look at is 'what is he doing when he isn't doing school?' Is he vegging or is there a passion for something else that might be useful in motivating school and possible to incorporate into lessons?

[FlyingBlueKiwi]

Originally Posted by Katigre

How does he have being challenged/having to work when he's in a group led by another adult?

There are some kids who will not learn from a parent who will happily learn from another adult. We tried to HS our DS for 2.5 years, then discovered he did far better in school.