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Old 01-18-2010, 02:01 PM   #46
ArmsOfLove
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

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Originally Posted by Marsha View Post
this may be OT, but in an earlier thread, a woman said that her mother said "oh well" a lot. Well, my oldest is a DRAMA QUEEN, and I say "I don't care" a lot. I need to find a new phrase. Usually like if I say " you need to go clean your room now" after appropriate transitoning attempts becasue transitioning is difficult for her, she can fall apart and start saying stuff like "i'll just run away" or "i hate you" "you are a mean mom" blah blah blah. And I say "I don't care, just clean your room" in an attempt to focus on what IS rather than the irrational words.

Are you saying I shouldn't do that? Any attempt to validate her at those times come across as "feeding" her reasons to feel the way she feels, and Lord knows she doesn't need more reasons, kwim?
I would not say "I don't care" because you aren't saying what you don't care about and it will be heard, especially by a child prone to big feelings, and simply that--you don't care.

I would just drop that and stick with instructions.

Waaah

You need to go clean your room.

I'm going to run away.

you need to clean your room anyway
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Old 01-18-2010, 02:45 PM   #47
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

So, my son gets my goat. easy-peasy. our personalities work like that. and i can get SO wrapped up in a situation, i see no way out. and i do things i regret. example:
(eight months ago or so) i'm changing him. everything fine. suddenly, he kicks me, hard. flashback to being physically abused by my father (being smacked when i least expect it). i start to explain to myself: "he is a child, he is impulsive, he does not mean to hurt you" but this is taking too long and ds already kicked me again. All i can see is red, my face is provoking him to also start looking very angry and hateful and he continues kicking and i CAN NOT STOP putting that diaper on, as if my life depends on it, it must be put.on.now. and a few seconds later i scream out and him ds back. and then i feel depressed for days, completely powerless and messed up beyond repair.

ok, so lesson learned: self talk was too slow and this scenario makes me feel powerless.

so next time this same thing happens, except when i realize i'm holding my breath and ds is starting to look like something evil to me, i just drop my hands to my sides, and walk away. just like that. deep breath. i go pee. POWER. i feel on top of the world. and funny thing is, i don't even need to validate, or talk to myself about anything anymore. it's GONE. poof. just like that. and i go back to finishing that diaper with ds grinning at me.

so, i learned that sometimes self-talk is too slow, and i just need to walk away, and *then* deal with it, or sometimes, "it" is no longer there to even deal with after i'm out of the situation.

validating my own feelings:
sometimes i can't do it after someone else denied it to me. example: my layer acted like what happened in the collision was not a big deal. i'm mad: hurt, belittled, patronized. but i feel like now i can't validate my feelings b/c he didn't. it's hard for me when that happens. i usually have to wait. yesterday i managed to explain to myself that:
1. he never met me
2. he's not a doctor
3. he is trying to close the case, b/c that what *I* want, and he can't very well close it and at the same time acknowledge that I am not well.

after i did all that i can better validate what i am feeling...

just a lot of thinking out loud.
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Old 01-18-2010, 04:56 PM   #48
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

yes, WALK AWAY is always a good first thing to do, when you're seeing red. You can't self-talk in that kind of crisis. Breathing space is a must when things are like that.
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Old 01-18-2010, 11:08 PM   #49
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

Ok, walk me through this one: DS has a poopy diaper. He's having an food allergy reaction, so the diaper is more like diarrhea - poop everywhere that doesn't wipe up easily. DS is being uncooperative (because he's 2 yo or is having an allergic reaction, hard to tell), and is trying to get his hands down in the business while arching his back and making it impossible to clean him up.

My current MO = try to pin down all 4 limbs simultaneously in a most ungentle way while wiping up the mess while yelling at him to relax and hold still. Not working so well for any of us...

I can't walk away - there are multiple safety issues at play here (the poop could easily end up in his mouth, he could end up flipping off the changing table and hurting himself) not to mention the potential for HUGE mess. The only self-talk I can think of in the moment is "He's only a kid. He just wants to play. His tummy doesn't feel good, that's why he's acting this way." Lovely words, but I'm still seeing red...
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Old 01-18-2010, 11:21 PM   #50
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

change him on the floor. It was too hard to change on a table after a while. When they're on the floor, I put a changing pad down and strap it just above their chest. Sometimes when they are kicking, I will pin their legs down with the side of my knees (I sit cross-legged) while I get them cleaned up.

Anyway, I'd definitely take him off the table and put the pad on the floor at that age.

jen D.
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Old 01-18-2010, 11:36 PM   #51
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

lay him on the floor in front of you with his feet towards your body and his head straight out. Use your feet, one on each arm, to gently keep him from sticking his hands into the mess. Change as quick as you can while you sing a song about diaper changing
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Old 01-18-2010, 11:51 PM   #52
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

yep. what they said. i also learned "stabilizing" and then walking away. in your case it may be taking off the diaper, wiping him up, and then walking away if you still need to calm down. i've done that a lot when saleem was just under and just past two.
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Old 01-18-2010, 11:53 PM   #53
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

Quote:
Originally Posted by ArmsOfLove View Post
lay him on the floor in front of you with his feet towards your body and his head straight out. Use your feet, one on each arm, to gently keep him from sticking his hands into the mess. Change as quick as you can while you sing a song about diaper changing
I'm picturing this position, and I'm DS would worm his way out of this in about 10 seconds. He's strong, and I'm not. He's flexible, I can't touch my toes. I usually lean most of the weight of my upper body on his arms and legs to keep them contained. If my foot is on his arm, I will be too far away to be able to reach DS's bottom, and his arms and legs will be too far away from my center of gravity to be able to exert any meaningful pressure. So from a practical standpoint, I don't understand how this would work.

And I don't see how this helps with the whole self-talk part of the discussion, either. Maybe I'm missing the point, but I thought that the self-talk is to get you to the point where you can be calm instead of angry and yelling? FWIW, this exact scenario plays out several times each day at our house. It doesn't matter if it's DH or I (or both of us) changing the diaper - neither one of us can keep our cool in this situation.

I must be missing some important piece of the puzzle here - please help me understand!

---------- Post added at 11:53 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:53 PM ----------

Quote:
Originally Posted by belaruska View Post
yep. what they said. i also learned "stabilizing" and then walking away. in your case it may be taking off the diaper, wiping him up, and then walking away if you still need to calm down. i've done that a lot when saleem was just under and just past two.
What does "stabilizing" mean?
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Old 01-18-2010, 11:58 PM   #54
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

there are multiple issues in the diaper scenario. the very real issue of poop everywhere and self talk. The singing reminds me that this is not really a big deal in the scheme of things. I can't change the poop situation, and have to change the diaper

I am thinking you aren't picturing what I'm trying to describe because I have no idea how it would through your center of gravity off I'll try to get a picture uploaded but for now let me try describing again.

You sit on the floor with your knees bent and your feet out in front of you. Put him between your legs, laying down, looking at you, with his feet in your hands (so you can lift his legs and change his diaper ) Pin his arms to the ground with your feet and, if necessary, use the inside of your calves/feet to hold his upper body still. It's very gentle and practical but it may take a picture to explain
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Old 01-19-2010, 12:10 AM   #55
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

What do you do when you can't walk away? Like, if your children are following you around your tiny house and your just trying to get one second to think a clear thought through one crying and one asking something you've already said no to a gazillion times. Would you lock yourself in the bathroom and try to self talk in there?

One of my biggest triggers is what I bolded below.


Quote:
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hungry
anxious/nervous
lonely
tired
needing to pee
frustrated
disappointed
sad
unsure/confused
trying to think and internal or external forces won't let me (bad for an ADD mama w/ 5 children )
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Old 01-19-2010, 12:14 AM   #56
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

This thread has been more helpful than I can say in words.
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Old 01-19-2010, 01:48 AM   #57
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

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What do you do when you can't walk away? Like, if your children are following you around your tiny house and your just trying to get one second to think a clear thought through one crying and one asking something you've already said no to a gazillion times. Would you lock yourself in the bathroom and try to self talk in there?
This is a very familiar scenario for me...if I really can't get a grip on my anger and I know I NEED a second to myself, I stick a dummy in the baby's mouth, turn the TV on, and walk outside onto the deck. TV has an instant mesmerising effect on my kids and I can stand outside in the fresh air and take a few calming breaths and get perspective.
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Old 01-19-2010, 03:48 AM   #58
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

I think I am getting better at this. I am starting to recognise hunger in myself, or when I am truly preoccupied with something else. I was on the phone with the insurance company this morning over a massive house repair problem and I am wound up super tight about the cost and concerned they will refuse to cover it. anyway, the kids were also asking for bfast at the same time, and for cereal that they've eaten all of. I got snippy with them, super snippy when it wasn't them, it was *my* stress over this insurance/repair situation across the ocean to deal with. I felt bad they got the brunt of my short replies and basically growling at them while I was on the phone.

however, I was going to say that I did EXACTLY what Allison said about my kids room. except I was probably a bit more mad about it. I was like " I see your room and I am SO UPSET about it. I work SO HARD cleaning your clothes, folding your clothes and then you guys pull them out of your dresser and throw them all over your room and it makes me SO ANGRY." I didn't insult them, or belittle, but I was mad. my oldest dd is finally at the point where she is "getting" this, and I'd like to say happily cleaned her room, but she didn't until the next day with a bit of help. now if I could just take my yell-e voice out of it, I think I would be doing okay....
in some ways I cant WAIT to parent older kids, I feel so much better with parenting my oldest all ready. we can have real conversations that she understands. its lovely.
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Old 01-19-2010, 06:18 AM   #59
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

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Originally Posted by Codi View Post
What do you do when you can't walk away? Like, if your children are following you around your tiny house and your just trying to get one second to think a clear thought through one crying and one asking something you've already said no to a gazillion times. Would you lock yourself in the bathroom and try to self talk in there?

One of my biggest triggers is what I bolded below.
me too, I totally have ADHD, and I never knew this symptom until I had kids!! My coping skills didn't work when I had tiny kids who wanted mommy, mommy,. mommy.

I think that's the source of a lot of my rage and out of control feeling, and certainly didn't help the depression. My AD (wellbutrin) actually helps with the ADHD as well as the depression. For that, it's a godsend. In fact, I wonder if helping my ADHD wasn't as helpful to my overall wellbeing as helping the depression.
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Old 01-19-2010, 06:22 AM   #60
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

Quote:
What do you do when you can't walk away? Like, if your children are following you around your tiny house and your just trying to get one second to think a clear thought through one crying and one asking something you've already said no to a gazillion times. Would you lock yourself in the bathroom and try to self talk in there?
Yes, actually, I have spent a good deal of time locked in my bathroom for the WALK AWAY & BREATHE portion of the program.

The kids may be beating on the door, but I'm breathing so I'm not screaming or hitting.

FWIW, I think that there is a time and a place for yelling. I'm not opposed to using my Big Voice, and I do it regularly enough. I just want to make sure that when I do, it's an attention getting tool and not being used to guilt/shame/intimidate my children into submission.
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