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Old 08-10-2006, 05:23 PM   #33
kimhuai
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Default Re: Permissiveness or GBD?

My DD is 22 months old. Yesterday, a friend of mine with her own under two year old, witnessed a couple of Bethany meltdowns (she was trying to dress a dolly on her own and very frustrated when she couldn't get the shoe on). I responded to Bethany in my usual way, held her tight, talked her through her frustration (also told her that we don't throw our toys) and showed her how to do what she was trying to do and then let her try it herself. My friend responded by telling her toddler never to behave like Bethany (in front of me and Bethany) and remarking that Bethany had a really hot temper and that her toddler would never behave like that. I responded by explaining (I am positive my slight irritation at my friend's response didn't show through, although I have to admit I did feel it) that different parents have different parenting goals, and none were necessarily better or worse than others, just different. So her goal is obedience, good behaviour and self control, and she is succeeding very well in those areas. Mine for Bethany are somewhat different - I want her to retain a spirited approach with freedom to express her frustrations, creativity and own initiative, but of course I also want her to develop internal controls. But my readings on brain development confirm that the centers in our brain for higher order thinking, such as true empathy (i.e. behave well so as not to hurt others as opposed to behave well because you'll get punished if you don't) start to mature in 2-3 years time from now, so in the meantime I will continue to redirect and explain, but may only reap the rewards of "better behaviour" when she is closer to 4 and able to understand true empathy. It is a longer term goal, and one in which I will have to persevere in the face of apparent lack of progress sometimes . In the meantime, I refuse to compromise her zest for life and zeal for experimentation by introducing any form of punitive discipline, which is of course what my friend advocates. I guess she thinks I'm being permissive, but in truth I'm trying to consistently practice GBD (she's not a Christian, so I can't really explain to her what that means).

I realize also that all our kiddos have different temperaments as well, which certainly accounts for why some are easier to handle and others more challenging. I wouldn't trade Bethany for the world, even though, or perhaps because, she throws lots of challenges my way all the time! I guess I'm just wondering when she'll start to "measure up" to the good behaviour standards expected by society in general and people like my friend in particular, and hoping for some positive affirmation from like-minded moms who've been down this path before me.

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