Concerned about family members

[wildswede]

So, a family member of mine whom I am close to, spanked her first child when she was a toddler, then she pretty much stopped and was more likely to use connection and positive parenting techniques with that child and, later, her son. Now she has fairly recently gotten remarried and they started attending a new church over the last year, I spent a lot of time at their home over the summer helping with the two older kids and new baby and noticed some scary changes in their parenting style. The dad is very quick to correct... everything... and I do mean everything, from clothing to what the kids are eating to when they ask for a snack or whatever. But, what's more concerning, is that they've started using hot sauce on the tongue or making them swallow a mouthful of soap for saying things that the parents don't like--- usual sibling squabbles. Yesterday, my son and nephew were jumping on the nephew's bed (a no-no, and they both know it) and my BIL headed for the bedroom with a large, thick wooden spoon... I just about threw up. He didn't wind up using it (we would have left had he done so, I've said before that I don't want that crap around my kid), but I'm worried. These changes seem to be related to church, and I wish I was more assertive to talk to them. Suggestions?

[charla]

That would be so hard to witness. As I put myself in their shoes and think of what would make an impression on me, I think seeing gentle parenting modeled would make the biggest difference, which it sounds like you are doing and setting boundaries on what happens with your own children. Actions sometimes do speak louder than words and are "heard" and make an impression far easier than words many times. What a difficult situation. for wisdom for you on how best to handle it.

[Stefanierose88]

Originally Posted by charla

That would be so hard to witness. As I put myself in their shoes and think of what would make an impression on me, I think seeing gentle parenting modeled would make the biggest difference, which it sounds like you are doing and setting boundaries on what happens with your own children. Actions sometimes do speak louder than words and are "heard" and make an impression far easier than words many times. What a difficult situation. for wisdom for you on how best to handle it.

So sorry your in this situation. First of all, I think your doing the right thing by not allowing that in front of your child. I was raised in a non-spanking home and still clearly remember a time as a child when my Uncle chased my cousin with a belt and "spanked" him with it. I was terrified!

Second all, I agree with the above poster. I think that's a good bet. But also, maybe you could simply ask "hey you know I've noticed that you seem to have started spanking again. I thought you decided against that, why thy change?" and just listen the first time around. Only you know them best. Of course, pray for the right course of action (or non-action).

[sunflowermom]

and
I agree with the above posters, but you know your relationship with them best. A conversation with your family member when it's just the two of you might be best, and modeling. and

[FlyingBlueKiwi]

Can you clarify? It sounds like the man is NOT biologically related to the children. .. At least the two olders.

Remember, the greatest safety threat to a child statistically is an adult male not biologically related to the child. One who would see fit to parent stepchildren this way would be scary. Could the church be telling the mother she should not set boundaries on her husband?

[CelticJourney]

What is your relationship with this woman like....as in can it handle you bringing up concerns about this to her or would she shut you out immediately?

[Sparrow]

That sounds tough. I agree with Charla on the modelling gentle parenting.

What concerns me is a non biologically related male is doing those things for the reasons flyingkiwi stated

[wildswede]

It's my sister, she and I have had major blowouts in the past, her maturity level sometimes on the lower end and I have a tendency to call her out on it--- flames follow shortly. Our relationship has been pretty good in the most recent years, she has been struggling with her son the most and we were having great conversations, then she and her husband started attending this church and I've seen these changes. Husband is not the bio father of the two older kids, but bio dad is has sent the boy home from visits with huge bruises ("discipline" for lying) and my sis freaked out on him, told him in no uncertain terms it wasn't appropriate and if it happened again he'd not be seeing them. I try my best to model, when I am over I will step in to deal with nephew (he's got some major anger issues), I do the quiet posting of positive parenting articles on FB. Just worries me so much, you know? Part of the issue I think is that our mom creates a sort of "competition" between us and our kids... who is the better mom, who has the better kids, etc.

[Rivendell Raven]