Nonviolent Communication by Rosenberg

[Yasheluah]

Has anyone else read Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg? It is one of my favorites; even though I'm not 100% sure if he is a Christian, I feel like the book displays gentle, Christlike attitudes and approaches to communicating with anyone but especially with our kids.

[flowermama]

I haven't read the book, but a long while ago I took a couple classes (in Washington State btw!) where it was taught. I think are some good things that can be learned from it , but I remembering feeling some concerns regarding it. It's been so long since I took the classes that I hope it will be okay if I just copy and paste something I wrote on GCM in 2009. Even back in 2009, it'd been awhile since I took the class.

It's been so long since I took a class, that it's hard for me to word my concerns, but I'll look to see if I can find an old post that I wrote about it (hopefully there is one on this board).

I took a class about it in the context of parenting children. I have read some about it, though, in other contexts, and it's very cool how it can help one communicate better with others, and it is something I think can be useful to know. The formulas for communication can sound really stilted, at least while you're learning them. It's quite unique-sounding.

It's really big into identifying needs and focusing on meeting those needs.

One person I learned about it from sounded very permissive the first time I took a class about it -- very TCS-y. She sounded very stressed out. The second time I took a class about it, the lady seemed to me to have changed her discipline-style (for the better), and the class didn't just focus on NVC, but rather it was more eclectic and we learned about some positive parenting techniques as well . . . it was more balanced.

I decided, though, to not take any more classes after reading a pamphlet there about the religious aspects of it. I just really felt uncomfortable and uneasy after looking at it.

I'm not sure what pamphlet I was reading, but here is a link that shares the "Spiritual Basis of Nonviolent Communication", and I think if you read that you will be able to see some of what was concerning regarding that:
http://www.cnvc.org/en/learn-online/...-communication

When I tried to use it with my daughter for awhile she got impatient with the formulaic way I was trying to speak. I wasn't very good at it. But I think there were some helpful things in it, like figuring out needs and trying to meet them. It's been so long since I took those classes, though. I wish I could remember more and be more helpful.

[Yasheluah]

Aha, yes-- I could see that causing some concerns!! I wondered. I try to read pretty much everything with a good "filter" on and aim to sift through for what is most helpful without compromising sound doctrine. I went to a few API meetings where we used to live (in the Bible belt) that focused on NVC, and they gave a better framework as far as the formulas for communication. More balanced for sure. But what has definitely helped me is having names for emotions and needs, and the general approach.

[SewingGreenMama]

No he isn't Christian. Book is still awesome. I haven't finished it yet but I have really enjoyed it.

[HomeyT]

LOVE NVC! It has changed my communication and internal dialogue a great deal. I never considered it a spiritual teaching, only that it's very connecting (and that is spiritual for me) for people to talk and listen and empathize and truly be heard and understood. and I don't see any red flags in doing that when it comes to Christianity.

The Respectful Parenting book is great too! Very practical. But best to read Rosenberg's book first. NVC is used all over the world , in governments and peace talks which highly align with any Christian value i'd like to follow. Jesus talked a great deal about peace and nonviolence. Just because he's not a christian it would be a shame if people dismissed his teachings.

[CelticJourney]

Originally Posted by HomeyT

... I don't see any red flags in doing that when it comes to Christianity. ......Just because he's not a christian it would be a shame if people dismissed his teachings.

I think things can be gleaned from such teaching, but I also think it is really important to KNOW what the teacher has in mind so that you can be aware as you listen to what they have to say. Knowledge has some power and if you know their beliefs you can read their work with a certain awareness that you could not do otherwise.

From the link above

I think it is important that people see that spirituality is at the base of Nonviolent Communication, ....

What does God mean to you?

I need a way to think of God that would work for me, other words or ways to look at this beauty, this powerful energy, and so my name for God is “Beloved Divine Energy.” For a while it was just Divine Energy but then I was reading some of the Eastern religions, and Eastern poets, and I loved how they had this personal, loving connection with this Energy. And I found that it added to me to call it “Beloved” Divine Energy. To me this Beloved Divine Energy is life, connection to life.

What is your favorite way of knowing Beloved Divine Energy?

It is how I connect with human beings. I know Beloved Divine Energy by connecting with human beings in a certain way. I not only see Divine Energy, I taste Divine Energy, I feel Divine Energy, and I am Divine Energy. I’m connected with Beloved Divine Energy when I connect with human beings in this certain way. Then God is very alive for me. Also talking with trees, talking with dogs and pigs, those are some of my other favorite ways.

I'm not discounting or endorsing what this author writes, but would want anyone reading his work to have background information going forward.

[saturnfire16]

I've read it and it was very helpful to my internal dialogue. I use the scripts to remind myself that I am feeling angry/sad/frustrated/whatever because of what *I* need, not because of whatever is happening in the moment. I also use some wording with my kids (though not strictly the scripts, because I don't want to talk in a formulaic way to my kids) that puts the responsibility for their emotions in their court, while helping them figure out what they need.

I do see how it could be problematic for a few reasons if applied as a parenting method, instead of just some helpful bits of information and for personal work.

1) It's a script, and I think responding directly to our kids and their needs is better.
2) I once knew a mom who tried using the scripts on her kid when he was running around a restaurant bothering people and yelling, and all he heard was Charlie Brown's teacher noise. Stop talking, pick kid up, leave. THEN figure out what prompted the behavior, see what you can do better next time to prevent it, etc.

[Yasheluah]

Originally Posted by saturnfire16

I've read it and it was very helpful to my internal dialogue. I use the scripts to remind myself that I am feeling angry/sad/frustrated/whatever because of what *I* need, not because of whatever is happening in the moment. I also use some wording with my kids (though not strictly the scripts, because I don't want to talk in a formulaic way to my kids) that puts the responsibility for their emotions in their court, while helping them figure out what they need.

I do see how it could be problematic for a few reasons if applied as a parenting method, instead of just some helpful bits of information and for personal work.

1) It's a script, and I think responding directly to our kids and their needs is better.
2) I once knew a mom who tried using the scripts on her kid when he was running around a restaurant bothering people and yelling, and all he heard was Charlie Brown's teacher noise. Stop talking, pick kid up, leave. THEN figure out what prompted the behavior, see what you can do better next time to prevent it, etc.

This is a lot of how I use it too. It has really helped me with vocabulary for emotions and needs, especially since that historically has been a very difficult thing for me; my husband has benefited as well even though he hasn't read all of the book. I agree with finding ways to incorporate the basics rather than keeping with a formula.

---------- Post added at 02:32 PM ---------- Previous post was at 02:30 PM ----------

I've tossed around the idea of writing a resource that looks at the principles of NVC but "redeems" them by exploring Scripture and giving a Christ-centered take. If there's already a Christian take on NVC that you're aware of, I'd be interested!

[saturnfire16]

Yes, vocabulary for emotions! The book has like 3 or more pages of the names of emotions and when I read that I went .... you mean there are more than happy, sad, angry and a few other variations of those?!

[Yasheluah]

Indeed!! I pulled out the one-page that has the basic emotions and needs and it has been on our fridge ever since.

[HomeyT]

I think formula is good when you are new. I liken it to learning a new language. It seems awkward at first, but them becomes more natural as you practise it.

Kids can be tricky. For my younger ones I may just go as far as to say, I see you are crying, are you sad? And hold them. Then I ter ally I can guess the need....and attempt to meet the need through action.

[teamommy]

I enjoyed reading the book years ago.

The way I saw it applied to parenting was very concerning and IMO harmful.

[ArmsOfLove]

I think what concerns me most about the principles involved is what has been done with them by those most devoted to it. When it is used as the primary method of communicating with a toddler it is utterly ineffective at accomplishing anything beyond helping a child name their feelings - a great thing indeed! But, as in the restaurant example above, useless for effecting change in behavior. Those who find themselves with a child who is doing something like running around a restaurant end up using their own feelings to try and manipulate their toddler and creating a really icky dynamic.

I am also bothered by how intricately it has been associated with TCS.

I do think that identifying and naming and taking power over our own emotions (and modeling that and teaching it outright to our children) are vital parts of raising emotionally healthy people

And I believe that treating and speaking with our children out of a place of love and respect is what we should be doing - especially as Christian parents. If we are showing the Fruit of the Spirit, and are showing Love, and are forgiving as we have been forgiven, the tone of our relationships will be very different from those who seek vengeance when their rules are broken or who parent from a place of judgment.

[HomeyT]

Tcs?

[CelticJourney]

Originally Posted by HomeyT

Tcs?

'Taking Children Seriously' - a parenting idea that says you never force a child to do anything they don't want to do. It elevates the opinion of the child as equal to the opinion of the parent. I'm open to correction on that, it's from memory.