Parenting in front of "spanking parents" and whining 3 year old...

Help!
We moved out of state to live in a more natural community, and were called to be the "youth leaders" for a friends church. Upon arriving we found that they ALL spank, using Pearl and Tripp's teachings, FTO spanking and continuing to spank until their child's heart is "soft".

Unfortunately I did fall to social pressures, feeling like maybe I didn't understand what God expected of me, and began spanking for around 6 months. I have since seen the error I those teachings and have returned to attachment parenting.

Now to the main part of my question, my husband and I still feel called to lead the youth (teens-early 20's) at this church and also, possibly, to be an example of "gentle Christian parenting" but I am feeling like I can't confidently parent in front of these other mothers knowing what they must think if me.

I have no mothers that I feel I can seek guidance from and when I do reach out to a mom friend about something I may be struggling with I am usually answered with silence, and I realize that they think I am struggling because I am not "using the rod" anymore. Feeling alone and overwhelmed....

I feel I have made a "mostly" graceful transition back to attachment parenting, but recently have been dealing with a lot of whining from my 3 year old when he doesn't get his way, when it gets bad or I start to lose patience I find myself wanting to threaten to spank because I have forgotten what else to do!!!

I really could use any kind of encouragement, advice, book recommendations.... Anything could help, and give me hope that there may be other moms who understand what I'm going through.

Sorry for the long post or if I posted incorrectly, I just couldn't wait anymore, I need help.


Jade
Mom of two boys 3.5 and almost 1

[MegMarch]

Whining is terrifically annoying But it's a transition from crying over things to using words in a productive way. That's a good thing! It doesn't mean you clap and say "Yay, you whined!" but you can see that there's progress in your child's maturity. I tell mine "that is a whine and it bothers me, please try in a strong voice like this...." when she's not waist-deep in upset and misery. If she is having a really hard time, I just model for her what I want to hear and either yes or no her.

As for those around you, they probably think you are a moron And also in time will see that you are reflecting God's parenting and that you are building a relationship with your children. Your job isn't to convert others to gentle parenting or to be a beacon, though maybe that will happen. You just parent they way you believe your family needs you to and know you don't owe anyone an explanation.

Thank you!! MegMarch, in theory I know I don't owe anyone an explanation but, MAN, is it hard to feel constantly judged. Also, there is a huge difference when my friend expects first time obedience and I pull my child aside and talk him through things... Clear line drawn in the sand, and I think it may confuse our kids who play together often.

[Tasmanian Saint]

Also, you can, if you wish, expect first time obedience - or something like it - without being punitive . At 3yo (and 1yo, actually), it's often recommended to combine.step 1 and step 4 of the 5 steps -.that is, say it and make it happen (help) at the same time, or straight away. That way, your child didn't get a chance to refuse so people watching (or your own inner critic) have no reason to expect you to punish them

Sent from my GT-S5300 using Tapatalk 2

[rjy9343]

I have a four year old who has been gently parented from birth. It is hard to parent outside the mainstream. But here is the deal, you are doing the best you can with your understanding of God's word and they are doing their best with their understanding.
I don't ask for advice outside of here. No matter how much I struggle, I do not ask for advice in real life because there is no one that shares my paradigm. People who don't know still offer hugs and sympathy instead of judgment and condemnation. It is really encouraging and often times just having this place to type out whatever is going on helps me find a solution. And then members help me fine tune it so that it works for my situation or so that I can adapt it for other issues.
I don't have a lot of whining. I am a firm believer in ensuring her blood sugar is not low or overly tired. When she does whine, I tell her nothing happens until she uses her real voice instead of that irritating whine.

[charla]

When I was new to grace-based parenting, I made a list of things that were in my parenting tool box and actually put them on my refrigerator. I put things there like the five steps, scripting, modeling, and also encouraging sayings or verses that helped me to be the parent I wanted to be. It helped to get those things in my head so in the heat of the moment I had other options. It was soooo much harder to parent in public around punitive people and I did slip up way more than I ever wanted to. But the thing that made the biggest difference for me was understanding that I could ask my children to forgive me. I would tell them that mommy was extremely sorry she yelled or hit or whatever it was and that was something that she didn't want to do and then make some sort of amends (usually involved cuddling and hugging and telling them how much they mean to me). I think it went a long way with them and helped repair our relationship.

The books that I absolutely love that helped me so much are:

• Biblical Parenting by Crystal Lutton
• Grace Based Living by Crystal Lutton
• Families Where Grace Is In place by Jeff VanVonderen

It takes awhile to make the paradigm shift. I found the more I immersed myself in grace, the more gracious I could be to my children. It's a journey. A wonderful one at that. It's changed my life and I hope to continue to become more and more gracious as I practice and practice at each age my children turn.

[saturnfire16]

When it's possible, just pick him up and leave the room. Go in the bathroom, a bedroom, or if you are at the park or something, head for the car. They can make whatever assumption they want to make about what you are doing in there, but it gives you breathing room. Time to stop, to think, to pray, without someone watching you. And time for your little one to calm down.

[BarefootBetsy]

Originally Posted by saturnfire16

When it's possible, just pick him up and leave the room. Go in the bathroom, a bedroom, or if you are at the park or something, head for the car. They can make whatever assumption they want to make about what you are doing in there, but it gives you breathing room. Time to stop, to think, to pray, without someone watching you. And time for your little one to calm down.

I did the above quite often when I only had a couple of very small children. Now I'm more likely to "make it happen" with steps 1 and 4 the way Tasmanian Saint describes simply because I'd probably have to bring *all* the children with me to go somewhere else and that's usually more difficult.

It also helps me just to completely focus on my child when I can't get away. Almost overly focus. So that I'm completely unable to even remember that there are other people present. Just focus on my child and on what I need to do with/say to them.

[3PeasInAPod]

I have an 8yr old and 1yr old. When my oldest was 3-4 his behavior was hard and I often worried what others thought especially if he pushed another kid or something physical bc parents tend to expect physical punishment for that. But now my kid is 8 and I'm so glad we stuck with gentle parenting and I wish I could go back in time and tell my self to chill out - keep consistent and it will be all right! ! thankfully I get to do it all over again with the little guy and I really don't care what anyone else thinks! This will pass mama and it's not worth resorting to spanking to appease others!

[sunflowermom]

Welcome to GCM! I'm so glad you found this community.
I agree with the moms who shared above.

[Maleldil's daughter]

I just wanted to add, that it is healthy to remember that we actually don't know what other people are thinking of us. It's possible, even likely, that some people are silently judging you. But maybe not. They might be sympathetic, or even kind of impressed by how you handle things, or they might be preoccupied by their own lives and not really care.

I find it helpful to try to keep that in mind. Sometimes what I imagine others to be thinking is more disapproving than it turns out they were actually thinking.

[JoEllen]

Three year olds are going to whine, whether you spank or not. They are just being three. If you are working toward teaching them to eventually not whine, you are doing your job correctly, regardless of what others think.

[Ravenzmama]

Oh goodness, I go to a church where they all practice the Pearls teachings. My son is very active and they are already viewing him as a discipline problem because he is not spanked. I was told I should have started spanking him at four months of age and break his will.
Thankfully my husband is very supportive and firmly believes in attachment parenting.

I completely understand where you are at and will be praying!

[SewingGreenMama]

I've been in similar position.
Only it was my parents who strongly disagreed, and I lived with them.

[LeadingThemToHim]

I love the wisdom in this thread! So many times I've felt pressured into parenting the way onlookers felt I should parent. It's not a great feeling.