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Old 02-01-2010, 02:06 AM   #121
mokamoto
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

(It's hard to put this after the quote on my phone. Sorry about how it looks!)
I've been in this situation and what worked for me was taking DS to the tub with diaper on, standing him there, removing all his clothes quickly and washing his body with the shower head. He was so shocked he didn't resist and he was clean and happy quickly. This worked for me bc I was focused on the situation and calmed down due to problem solving on the brain. I can't see red and problem solve at the same time! ;-). HTH!



Quote:
Originally Posted by Blue-EyedLady View Post
Ok, walk me through this one: DS has a poopy diaper. He's having an food allergy reaction, so the diaper is more like diarrhea - poop everywhere that doesn't wipe up easily. DS is being uncooperative (because he's 2 yo or is having an allergic reaction, hard to tell), and is trying to get his hands down in the business while arching his back and making it impossible to clean him up.

My current MO = try to pin down all 4 limbs simultaneously in a most ungentle way while wiping up the mess while yelling at him to relax and hold still. Not working so well for any of us...

I can't walk away - there are multiple safety issues at play here (the poop could easily end up in his mouth, he could end up flipping off the changing table and hurting himself) not to mention the potential for HUGE mess. The only self-talk I can think of in the moment is "He's only a kid. He just wants to play. His tummy doesn't feel good, that's why he's acting this way." Lovely words, but I'm still seeing red...
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Old 02-02-2010, 08:22 AM   #122
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk



This is such a helpful thread to me right now.
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Old 02-02-2010, 08:49 AM   #123
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

Another blessed mama by finding this thread! My anger issues are so bad and ingrained from the way I was parented that I went beyond the self-talk only and am in therapy, which has done me wonders BECAUSE my therapist has also approached the self-talk issues with me She also explained to me that it's completely useless to ask them "why?" at this age because they.just.don't.get.that. I loved the idea in a pp about explaining that mommy's just trying to help and figure out what's wrong....I think I will try that. I find myself asking "why?" without even thinking.

And I just wanted to interject that I have some Rescue Remedy, and when I'm seeing red or feeling my blood boil...just walking to the closet and taking the time to take 3 drops of RR is usually enough time for me to calm down and try the self-talk.
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Old 02-02-2010, 03:05 PM   #124
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

ds threw a fit the size of texas today, in the street for all to see, while making us late for an appointment, and i as already worked up to start with.
and...
i have nothing to apologize for it's one of the few times i did nothing i regret. i totally held it together.
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Old 02-02-2010, 03:37 PM   #125
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

good job!
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Old 02-02-2010, 06:21 PM   #126
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

Well done Irene!

I had one of those moments this morning when I held it together thanks to this thread. I can't even remember what EK did to annoy me but I did the whole self-talk thing "I feel angry because...EK didn't do that to make me mad, she just wants..." and didn't react inappropriately to her at all.
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Old 02-03-2010, 12:50 PM   #127
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

Today must be a great day! E did something to bug me, oh, she banged on the wall after I'd just told her to whisper to not wake A, and my brain said, "Hey, she didn't know banging on the wall would *also* wake baby."
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Old 02-03-2010, 01:18 PM   #128
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

Maggirayne!

I've been having a lot of success too. It just feels so amazing to feel like I'm doing more 'right' than 'wrong'. this thread!!!
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Old 02-03-2010, 10:06 PM   #129
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

I'm still working on the self-talk. But I'm doing better at recognizing that I need to walk away before things escalate too far, so that's a step in the right direction.
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Old 02-04-2010, 06:45 AM   #130
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marsha View Post

So I said: yes, I'm tired and i'm cranky, and my ears hurt from your screaming, and I"m upset because you screamed at Riley and drove her away and I don't get to spend time with her this evening, and I love you, but I 'm not getting to enjoy the time I spend with you.

I am sure that was totally gult tripping and shaming, but it was better than having the thougths show on my tightly pinched lips and terse manner, I guess.
Was that guilt tripping and shaming? It didn't seem like it to me...? If that was guilt tripping, then I don't get the "reflecting feelings" thing at all...
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Old 02-04-2010, 07:21 AM   #131
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

LEt's just say that her reaction wasn't pretty. I know I shouldn't take people's reactions as the barometer of what I should say...but let's just say that I generally tend to do that. and then agonize endlessly if they react badly. Dd tends to have anxiety/ragey stuff, so no matter what I say, the end result is the same. *I* felt better about what I said than placating or berating her.
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Old 02-04-2010, 12:31 PM   #132
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

Quote:
Originally Posted by Marsha View Post
OK, I do not know if this was right or good, it felt bad.

Ainslee was having one of her nights.,Crying about everything, tired, not tired, want to watch the show,wanted a bath, baby talk ad nauseum including just plain babble (she has to be pretty bad to resort to babble), and freaking out if Riley came over or if Riley touched her or if I moved her on my lap...

She's been like this for 4 evenings straight now, and it gets old. And I was mad because having to deal with her was eating up a lot of time, and I knew when I took her to bed, dh was gonna take Ri to bed and then I wasn't going to get to spend time with Ri because Ainslee had hurt her feelings earlier by yelling at her to get away and then when I told Ri she could stay sitting beside me, Ainslee screamed loud enough to make Riley WANT to move away....

Ok? It's exhausting, and my self talk was all "now she's ruining my evening and I won't get to spend time with Ri and blah, blah" and meantime she's freaking out because she keeps saying I look mad or I sound mad and she won't calm down until I'm not mad, etc.

So I said: yes, I'm tired and i'm cranky, and my ears hurt from your screaming, and I"m upset because you screamed at Riley and drove her away and I don't get to spend time with her this evening, and I love you, but I 'm not getting to enjoy the time I spend with you.

I am sure that was totally gult tripping and shaming, but it was better than having the thougths show on my tightly pinched lips and terse manner, I guess.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Marsha View Post
LEt's just say that her reaction wasn't pretty. I know I shouldn't take people's reactions as the barometer of what I should say...but let's just say that I generally tend to do that. and then agonize endlessly if they react badly. Dd tends to have anxiety/ragey stuff, so no matter what I say, the end result is the same. *I* felt better about what I said than placating or berating her.
Well, it sounds like she was unhappy over everything. And regardless of what you said did, her reaction wouldn't be pretty. How old is she? 7?

So you were expressing how you felt. What you said was all your feelings, not blaming her, but expressing how you felt because of her actions.
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Old 02-04-2010, 02:20 PM   #133
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

How does this all work when you can't get away? When I'm stuck in bed nursing one and using one arm to keep coralling the other back in when he tries to squirm off? It doesn't happen often..only when he's reacting to dairy. He ate some bannan/pumpkin/fruit bread thingy last night..it's been forEVer since we've deal with this, but...talk about seeing red. I don't even want to go into my reaction because...well, it stings. It was just an awful afternoon.

How do you do it? Should I have just let him go downstairs til the other one went to sleep?

Wish I could just erase today and start over.
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Old 02-04-2010, 03:07 PM   #134
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

When I realize the behavior is allergy-related (sometimes it takes me a while ) I tell myself over and over, "DD is not choosing to be this way. Her body and brain hurt, and this is her way of telling me."
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Old 02-04-2010, 05:14 PM   #135
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Default Re: s/o parenting self-talk

I try to do that..it helped some, but it was waay into the game when I figured it out.. trying again, I suppose. I can't undo it beyond ht eapologies and hugs and starting over
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