My kids do whatever they want!

Hi ladies! I have never posted before, but I feel I am at my wit's end. Hoping y'all can offer some wisdom and ideas.

I have three kids: a 5-year-old son with ADHD, an exceptionally emotional 3yo daughter, and a very easy 7-month-old. I feel like lately, my two big kids are out of control. My children aren't mean, they don't throw huge tantrums, they never hit me or yell at me or anything. They are both sweethearts, but my issue it... they do whatever they want!! And I am about to lose it! I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I've tried everything. Even spanking, and obviously, I don't want to spank.

Biggest problems with 5yo: constant interrupting. Whines about everything lately. Very LOUD. Extremely impulsive. Blatantly disobeys, but it seems to be out of curiosity and lack of impulse control. He's practically Curious George. I feel like the stories are dramatized versions of how my days go with him. He's very sneaky -- anything he wants, he finds a way to get it. He sneaks toys outside, sneaks scissors to his room, sneaks treats (when we have them, which is rarely... but I would like to be able to keep honey in the pantry for my tea and trust that it won't be halfway gone by the next day!).

Biggest problems with 3yo: she is a little stormy ball of emotions, which makes correcting her a challenge. She cries about everything. Feelings are hurt easily. Doesn't adjust well to change. Disobeys, but with a different air than my 5yo... hers is more out of rebellion. Extremely prideful. For instance, if she takes something from 5yo and 5yo is grasping for it and I say "Give that back to your brother," she will refuse to give it back until he stops reaching for it. If I take it from her and give it to him, she will have a melt-down and sob because SHE wanted to give it to him.

I feel like I am running in circles here. I have tried so many different approaches. I have anxiety and the loudness and arguing between them is a huge trigger. Why can't they just get along?! I feel like they are constantly at odds with one another!

All day long, I am correcting and yelling at them. I hate myself for it. I want to enjoy my children! We are homeschooling and only have one car and DH works 45 minutes away, so we are stuck at home 6 days out of the week. It's too long to walk anywhere (closest store is 3 miles away, closest park is across a busy street).

I told DH I feel like I am suffocating. I do not get a moment of peace. My spirit is becoming weary!

[L-Boogie]

three kids under 5 is so overwhelming!

One thing that always helps is to try to set aside one on one time with your kids, even just 5 minutes. The sneakiness could be attention seeking?
The other solution I see for sneakiness is letting him know that if he breaks the rules and sneaks things, they will be put away where he cannot get to them at all.

Three is a really tough age. Lots of testing to see how much power they have over other people which feels like they are pushing mom's buttons A LOT. A consistent routine and calmly sticking to established rules helps. Three needs to see the her big feelings, moods and pushing boundaries don't change the limits.

Is there any way for you to cross the street to go to the park or invite friends over? Being isolated with little ones is so so hard.

[Hermana Linda]

That sounds so hard. .

It sounds pretty age appropriate. I found the book, Siblings Without Rivalry helpful.

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[milkmommy]

Margaret sounds exactly like your 5 year old... must be a five thing..driving me batty too. She is great if I can be very one on one.. but it's not always possible

[ShiriChayim]

I'm pretty sure I wrote your exact post when I was new here. I promise-the chaos will not always be so...well...chaotic . Three little ones under 5 is intense-everyone is intense.

The good news: everything you're describing is fully age appropriate. Doesn't make it less difficult to manage but you can be assured that your children will grow out of these stages and into brand new ones within their own times. You can check out the 3yo stickies to get some commiseration and ideas for working with your daughter.

My 5yo-Dynamo-is also HUGELY emotional. It can be wearying, but you don't need to be afraid of those big feelings she's having. If she takes her brother's toy and you take it to give it back and she cries: "Wow, you feel really frustrated! You wanted to give brother his toy but mommy did it first. Next time do it right away and you'll get to be the one to do it!" and distract/redirect. Or give her some time/space to work it out if she needs it. Big bad feelings aren't the enemy. Even if they're loud

[Soliloquy]

Echoing what others have wrote What you're describing is completely typical for those ages. It takes time/maturity and teaching for them to move past it. It can be draining, especially if you think you need to "fix it." Remind yourself that they are acting in a very typical way. You're not doing anything wrong, as a mom. Model for them how to behave and ask them to repeat it back to you. Set them up for success as much as possible. If you notice your kids squabble more after watching tv, unplug it. If they get whiny when they're hungry, plan snacks in between meals. Keep fewer toys accessible so there is less to clean up. Get them outside daily. Have a locked cabinet for things that are off limits. Smile and enjoy them because the years fly all to quickly.

[OnAMission]

I have been/am right where you are with five year olds and three year olds! There are several things that have helped me tremendously. One is reading here about ages stages and how to teach children well Another is learning more about child development so that I can adjust my expectations. Ames & Ilg have a series called "Your ___ Year Old" that have helpful information about each age, why they do the (sometimes annoying) behaviors that they do, and how it helps them move on to greater maturity. (Side note: Their discipline advice is not so helpful.)

I have also found it helpful to read about different personalities. For example, "Nurture by Nature" is a book about how the different Myers-Briggs personalities might manifest themselves at different ages. It has helped me tremendously to be able to see how my child might think differently than me... not wrong... just different. I can put their actions into a more positive light, which then helps me be on their team and teach them be who God created them to be, as opposed to what I used to do: wanting them to be convenient and to act like I, or worse, what I thought others, thought they should. It helps that my husband and I have very different personalities, and so I can see that there are, in fact, adults who think very differently (but not wrong!) and that is okay. We all benefit from the wide variety of people with their strengths and weaknesses. It is the beauty of the Body of Christ!

I think the biggest thing that I have learned here, which has been a hard lesson because I am a people-pleasing peace maker who wants everyone to "just get along nicely," is that it is not my job to keep my children happy all the time and that feelings are not right or wrong (though how they are expressed may be). I can be calm and kind and full of grace and teach every single time, and eventually they will get it. I can go out of my way to set us up for success by making sure everyone is fed, rested, has access to plenty of water, has used the restroom regularly, and I can make sure my (realistic) expectations are clear. But in the end, they may not like what I do: no, you may not grab that toy (3.5); no, you may not run into the street (22 months); no, whining will not get you what you want (5); yes, sometimes you do need to do a bit of school (6.5). That's okay They don't have to like it, and I can comfort them through it while maintaining my carefully thought-out position. Of course, sometimes I can think of a way that we all find acceptable, and then we do it that way, even if it is not my favorite or the most convenient to me. And sometimes, I mess up with my expectations, and then I get to model apologizing and adapting to a situation

Recently, I felt like our house was getting a bit out of control. The hardest thing for me is that it is me, the adult, who needs to figure out how to change. I cannot make my kids grow up faster, so that means I need to change me, our environment, and my expectations. I enjoyed the book "simplicity parenting" last month because it helped me think about how to restructure our day so that there was more rhythm to help my 3.5yo who is super sensitive, super loud, and super high energy He was just drowning in our fly-by-the-seat-of-our-pants atmosphere. We got rid of yet another large set of unnecessary toys to reduce the chaos all around us, and he is doing much better with a calmer and more predictable day. That is just an example from our household. The key is to ask yourself what things are bothering you, and then to ask how you can set yourself and everyone else up to be more successful.

Hang in there A wise person somewhere once said, "The days are long, but the years are short!"

[Kiara.I]

Others have addressed most of what I want to say, but:

You put "homeschooling" and "stuck at home" together in the same paragraph. I wonder if maybe you could re-work things? A couple of days a week you could drop your husband off at work and have the car, maybe? Or could he carpool? Or take transit?

Homeschooling a 5-year-old shouldn't require you to be at home all day every day, so is there a way you can shuffle things around to have park days?

Also, the park is across a busy street--is it close, though? Can you walk there fairly easily?

[Tasmanian Saint]

Would bikes be an option for going farther afield? That's how I get around with my kids when DH is at work with the car... although you might have trouble getting a helmet to got the 7mo, can't engender when they recommend that starting . Busy streets are hard with bikes though. Do you want us to brainstorm strategies for teaching your kids to cross the busy street with you?

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[WanderingJuniper]

It cannot be said enough that having three children under 5 years old is hard and when one of them is a three year old its extra hard.

Thank you ladies!! You are all so encouraging... It's REALLY nice to hear that these things are normal. I know they are, but sometimes I... forget, I guess. My mom tells me all the time my expectations are too high. Sometimes I think back to things I did as a kid and I know I didn't do them out of spite or *trying* to be naughty. I need to remember my kids are the same.

To answer a question, my 5yo was in public school for kinder -- so we weren't always *stuck* at the house and it wasn't a big deal that we only had one vehicle. We'd always planned on homeschooling from 1st grade on anyway, and then one day he hopped off the bus at school and walked an entire mile home by himself. Right under the nose of several adults!! I found out that they don't escort the kids from the bus to their classroom. My first thought was.. okay, you are homeschooled now! It was really just meant to be. I knew I wanted to homeschool for 1st grade but was starting to second guess myself. I prayed that God would make it very clear to me what we should do for school, and then the next week this happened.

We are planning on getting a second car soon, so when that happens I'll be getting passes to the zoo, children's museum, etc. I cannot WAIT and I know we are going to have so much fun once we can get out of the house!! My 5yo is an extrovert like his daddy and full of energy, so it really is essential that I give him plenty of things to do away from home.

[rjy9343]

I am going to suggest you not see your daughter's behavior as rebellion. Partly because she isn't rebelling as much as she is testing the limit to see if it stays the same. Quality control if you will. And partly because what looks like rebellion is just checking to see if slightly modify her behavior is enough. When my daughter was three she wanted to do hand stands up the stairs. When I said no, she tried jumping backwards, then jumping forward, then sliding and a few other dangerous ways that were all forbidden. She would also freeze and get stuck in an idea and not being able to work it out herself made her melt down.
The lack of impulse control is frustrating, but if you look at from his pov, it makes a lot of sense. There is a huge world waiting for him to explore and figure out. But you block him just when it's getting good. I'm not saying let him play with scissors or fire, just see his perspective and you may find ways to get what you both want. Knowing that he may get some or all of what he wants may curb some of his more impulsive behavior. It did with my niece.

[Bea423]

I recently read a book called Raising Godly Tomatoes, it wasn't a GBD book and I tossed out a good chunk f what I read... But one thing really stuck out to me. We need to "stake our tomatoes" lest they fall and rot. Basically what this means is if you see that the fruit your child is bearing is "wrotten" then your child needs more of you. So you stake them to your side gently but firmly correcting and instructing *every single time* until you see the fruit of that training. This is super hard! I have a 4, nearly 3 and 1 yo so I totally feel your pain! But it's been very true in our lives. I thought I was watching my kids and catching the behaviors that needed my attention, incouldnfigure out why it wasn't working. As it turned out when i actually keep them by my side and in the same room with me I saw how many opportunities I was missing, how much more time there is for connection and what true discipleship is.

Your son is sneaking. I'm sorry, I don't believe that's fully impulse control Or curiosity. Because he has the control to wait until you aren't looking. That's serious and can turn into much worth. That isn't Godly character, he needs to be "staked" to you. Let him know why, I can't trust you so you need to be with me. Then after a day, allow one errand at a time to see if you can trust him (please go grab x or please do y) and have him come right back. He is earnig your trust. Enjou him, works with him, praise him, he can still play in the room with you but not with the same freedom. The same for your 3 year old, if she's not doing the "right" things she needs more focused instruction catching her before it happens.

Difficult, yes! Amazing??? Totally.

[Hermana Linda]

I'm glad that you found the good in that book, but I would be remiss if I failed to mention that it is a VERY punitive book.

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[Bea423]

Originally Posted by Hermana Linda

I'm glad that you found the good in that book, but I would be remiss if I failed to mention that it is a VERY punitive book.

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Yes, it is. Though the premise of reaching the heart, discipling Abd "staking" really resonated with me. How I implement it is very very different and I don't feel that emotions need to be disciplined away. I read it at the request of a friend and that's what I took from it.