The most devestating time out I ever witnessed

[Stefanierose88]

(I haven't posted in a longtime, very intense family issues, I plan on getting back in but I have to get this off my chest first).

I had a very upsetting experience today involving a child who isn't mine. Today is my birthday, and my mom threw a very modest family gathering for me at her home, a pool party. My cousin and her husband were there. They struggled with infertility for years, and about a year or so ago became certified to foster/adopt. They got their first child two days ago, a little girl I will call "H", she is 3years old (almost 4) and was removed from her mother and father due to drug addiction. The grandma has come forward but they didn't know that right away.

My cousin, I will call "R" spoke to me privately about H saying that she realized she doesn't want children through this experience (2 days in? after years of trying?). She was noticeably annoyed with H despite keeping an even tone and using "honey" and such towards her.

Towards the end of the stay, they had to get going to see another friend at their party. H wanted to swim, my cousin and her dh said yes. R's DH and I helped get H into her swim-vest and she was literally moments away from getting into the pool with the other kids, walking up the stairs, when R changes her mind and says "you cant be wet at the party so you cant swim".

H, predictably, starts to cry and say "but I want to swim". I told R "well its very hot, im sure the sun will dry her fast, how about a few minutes before cake?" She refused and told H she needed to go into time out now, for crying about wanting to go into the pool and not immediately heeding this demand.

R pulls her off the stairs, in her swim-vest, and brings H inside where she tells her to sit on the stairs. H is crying out "I WANT TO SWIM WITH MY FRIENDS". She sounded so very forlorn, I know that sounds dramatic, but it cut to my heart. This image of her, all ready to swim, being taken away from the other kids and the fun, for what reason??

I followed them inside , and R told H "time out doesn't start until you stop crying"

At that point I was very upset, punishing her for crying? I had to walk away. R's DH asked me what was wrong and I said "I'm upset, honestly, it isn't right." I had to keep walking before I expressed some choice words and burst into tears.

I need help processing this, because I feel very emotional over it. I was on the fence about time outs but now I will not use them with my kids.

H was in a house of strangers, no matter how nice, lost her mom and dad ...and it just broke my heart to see her treated that way.

am I over-reacting?

[Psyche]

You know in Mary Poppins where they said "some people can't see past the end of their own nose"?

Yeah that applies here. That poor baby.

Those people need a parenting book and some empathy.

[MamaRachel]

I don't think you are over-reacting at all. That sounds awful! That poor little girl.

[Aerynne]

That does sound awful. Perhaps they will improve with time? Where is the compassion?

[Leslie_JJKs_mom]

That is awful!

[marbles]

I don't think you are over reacting. I know fostering is hard, you are taking care of hurting children who aren't staying in your family, but that sounds harsh and insensitive. Maybe they will get some help and learn how to handle that type of situation better. I hope. That poor girl

[Quiteria]

Your cousin broke her own word by allowing the poor kid to get all suited up and THEN deciding to say no and punish because the kid cried over the sudden change in plans?

I don't know how adoption bonding goes, but your cousin really doesn't get parenting at this moment. I hope the poor kid has better luck with grandma and that your cousin gets some help regarding the realities of taking in a foster child who is grieving the loss of her parents no matter what they've done to lose custody. She doesn't sound well prepared if she's changing her mind 2 days in without realizing that these things take time, unless she's hardening her heart due to the knowledge that a relative has made a claim. But still...her heart needs to be in a very different (compassionate, empathetic) place if she continues as a foster parent because from the stories I hear, it's not that uncommon for adoption status to be up in the air, and the poor kid needs love in the meanwhile, not toughening up by being punished for crying.

[sweetpeasmommy]

I would encourage her to contact their social worker and have the child placed elsewhere ASAP. It's only been 2 days. She has no bond with them. They have no skills to give her the kind of care she needs. She deserves someone who does.


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[Leslie_JJKs_mom]

I agree with sweetpea's mommy. I would be contacting the social worker over this. Point out she was ready to get into the pool, then pulled her out and punished her for being upset. They are not fit parents for a child that has already lost so much. That poor baby.

[mommychem]

[ShiriChayim]

Honestly, I would have been upset. I would have cried, and probably yelled and would have spent much of the night needing my dh to hold me and comfort me and being beyond enraged at the injustice that I get to be held and comforted but this poor baby doesn't. Not breaking a promise to a child-especially a very small one-is basic common sense parenting. She's really not ready to be a parent at all, much less one to a small traumatized child via foster care. I'm so sorry you had to watch that.

[Soliloquy]

That is utterly horrible.

[rjy9343]

While I normally think that we should all be given grace for screwing up, she has told you she does not want kids anymore and she is only two days into this. That poor child has been through a lot and needs someone that does want her. I would call her social worker and tell them that this little girl needs a better situation asap.

[Leslie]

The ability to bond with a foster child isn't necessarily the litmus test for whether a person should be a parent or not. When I married my husband, he had two kids (so I became a step-parent). I read a few books about blended families and step-parenting, and one thing I remember reading was that you shouldn't decide whether to have children or not based on your experience with your step-children. We all did counseling together, I read parenting books, I tried to see things from the kids' point of view, and it went okay and there were special moments, but overall, I figured I wasn't cut out to be a parent. But as it turned out, the experience of bonding with my infant was just totally different, and that carried over into the way I parented.

However, that child obviously should not be in that home.

[Quiteria]

I think that happens sometimes with foster children, too. But I wonder whether the cousin knows that, if she's already assuming this will never work. And is being mean in the meanwhile.