Teaching Toddlers to Stay in Bed

LeadingThemToHim · 06-23-2015, 06:15 PM

How to do this? Gently?

With my olders we followed the Pearls...spank every. time. I don't want to be that parent anymore.

Besides, I really feel it's impossible to be THAT consistent. Hence follows a huge cloud of guilt.

How do you gently teach them to stay in bed?

Or do you not make that a goal? Maybe I should just be focusing on staying sweet and loving and take them back to bed when they get up?

Starfish · 06-23-2015, 06:33 PM

This is not my area of expertise, and I know a lot of families find a variety of solutions that work for them, so you will probably get a lot of great advice from the wise mamas here. I do want to point out that taking them back to bed when they get up IS being consistent, and setting the boundary that we stay in bed during the night. I work at a childcare center, so my only real experience with this is during naptime, but we have from 6-10 kids who all need to stay on their mats. We do the "set them back on their mat" as many times as it takes for them to realize that resistance is futile. We do verify that there aren't other issues that need to be addressed (poopy diaper, lost their pacifier, etc) and then we repeat and repeat. Some kids will fall asleep on their own, and some need their back patted or a song sung to them until they fall asleep, and we give them the extra help to relax and sleep.

Without fail, I bring them back, and bring them back, and just at the point where I think it won't work and I will be carrying them back to their mats repeatedly for the next hour, they resign themselves and settle in. The more consistent and boring I am while I do it, the sooner they realize that nothing fun happens when they get up but the same return to bed drill.

MegMarch · 06-23-2015, 06:35 PM

I think you need to consider why staying in bed is important to you. It is important to me that my daughter get enough sleep. So she cannot get up and party if she's exhausted and just doesn't want to miss anything. But if she's not tired, we let her play for 20 min or so quietly and redo bedtime.

If she's up in the night wanting to be with us to sleep, that's fine. I think it's as reasonable for a tiny person to want company for sleep as for an adult to feel that way.

Other families need kids in their beds for whatever reason. If you actually need a child in bed, you'll need to address it. But spanking teaches them "get in bed, stay in bed, because you'll be hurt if you don't." You want to teach a message of "get in bed, stay in bed, because you need enough rest and we have to be up early." Or "get in bed, I'm going to be with you here till you feel comfortable staying here." Whatever. It can be done gently.

You need to consider why and what message you need your child to learn.

rjy9343 · 06-23-2015, 07:05 PM

We coslept with Ivy until this past spring. She woke up one day and informed us she was done sleeping with us and wanted her own bed in her own room. The way we kept her in her bed was first to stay with her until she fell asleep. Then we started staying with her for fifteen minutes. If she got up, we handled whatever she needed and took her back to bed. Usually she just wanted an extra hug from whichever one of us did stay with her or she wanted a quick sip of water. But it was not a regular thing, so it wasn't a big deal.
Now that she is in her own room, my husband lies down with her for about thirty minutes and then leaves. She is usually asleep less than five minutes later. I have thought more than once that he should cut back the time, but that is the only time she has him all to herself, so I keep that thought to myself.

LeadingThemToHim · 06-23-2015, 07:35 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Starfish

This is not my area of expertise, and I know a lot of families find a variety of solutions that work for them, so you will probably get a lot of great advice from the wise mamas here. I do want to point out that taking them back to bed when they get up IS being consistent, and setting the boundary that we stay in bed during the night. I work at a childcare center, so my only real experience with this is during naptime, but we have from 6-10 kids who all need to stay on their mats. We do the "set them back on their mat" as many times as it takes for them to realize that resistance is futile. We do verify that there aren't other issues that need to be addressed (poopy diaper, lost their pacifier, etc) and then we repeat and repeat. Some kids will fall asleep on their own, and some need their back patted or a song sung to them until they fall asleep, and we give them the extra help to relax and sleep.

Without fail, I bring them back, and bring them back, and just at the point where I think it won't work and I will be carrying them back to their mats repeatedly for the next hour, they resign themselves and settle in. The more consistent and boring I am while I do it, the sooner they realize that nothing fun happens when they get up but the same return to bed drill.

Thank you! This is actually a huge relief to hear. I always take her back to bed...every single time. Her getting up never once has earned her the privilege of extra playtime. I just never considered that I was actually being consistent.

---------- Post added at 09:35 PM ---------- Previous post was at 09:30 PM ----------

Quote:

Originally Posted by MegMarch

I think you need to consider why staying in bed is important to you. It is important to me that my daughter get enough sleep. So she cannot get up and party if she's exhausted and just doesn't want to miss anything. But if she's not tired, we let her play for 20 min or so quietly and redo bedtime.

If she's up in the night wanting to be with us to sleep, that's fine. I think it's as reasonable for a tiny person to want company for sleep as for an adult to feel that way.

Other families need kids in their beds for whatever reason. If you actually need a child in bed, you'll need to address it. But spanking teaches them "get in bed, stay in bed, because you'll be hurt if you don't." You want to teach a message of "get in bed, stay in bed, because you need enough rest and we have to be up early." Or "get in bed, I'm going to be with you here till you feel comfortable staying here." Whatever. It can be done gently.

You need to consider why and what message you need your child to learn.

I need her to stay in bed because frankly...I'm exhausted and I need some alone time before my own bedtime. I have fibromyalgia / chronic fatigue syndrome and by the time the kids are all down for the night I'm in zombie mode. Yet, if I don't wind down for awhile before I go to bed I have a hard time falling asleep. And I can't wind down when the kids are still up.

Thanks for this. I guess I just figured out WHY I need her in bed...lol.

ArmsOfLove · 06-23-2015, 08:03 PM

I honestly don't care if my children stay in bed. Any child is welcome in bed with us if they need to be, and most of our children fall asleep in the room we're in at night. We just kind of wake them and get them to bed when we go. As they have gotten older they head to bed when they are tired or we just wake them and send them off to bed.

However . . . having shared our personal preference I will also acknowledge that this is something important to some people for whatever reasons and it can be done

With the Pearls you would spank them and take them back to bed . . . What I would suggest is just . . . . take them back to bed

There was nothing magic about the spanking. If you lead them back to bed every time then you will still be teaching them that they need to stay in bed

I guess I always try to start with the question of why something is important to me. If it's important and I have a reason for it then I'm able to back it with action on my part

If not, then I reexamine why I'm doing it in the first place and adjust as needed.

MariJo7 · 06-23-2015, 11:12 PM

Something that did help us was shared rooms for the kids. I guess my boys had a lot of fun when they shared a room. They told stories together and other funny things, and for the little brothers it was a special treat to be allowed to share rooms with the "big guys". And my oldest DD loved to co-sleep with her 2yo brother when she was a schoolgirl.

Vicki_T · 06-23-2015, 11:22 PM

Like a lot of PPs I'm happy in theory to share my bed with small people who need an adult in the night - but in practice I'm exhausted with a toddler who wriggles, kicks, takes all the covers and pillow and all but pushes me out of bed. Oh, and wakes up if I make the slightest movement

. I wish I knew the answer though. I'm not great at being consistent at taking him back to bed when he wakes, and dh sleeps so deeply that it's usually more trouble than it's worth trying to wake him to help. So at the moment, I'm mostly hoping that he (the toddler) will grow out of it.

Tasmanian Saint · 06-24-2015, 04:38 AM

Audiobooks can sometimes help, or music.

I have spent a lot of hours sitting in the kids' doorway reading forums on my phone.

Sent from my GT-S5300 using Tapatalk 2

mamacat · 06-24-2015, 06:48 AM

How old? We co slept when toddlers were very young and I went back with them and had a prayer,bedtime song, and snuggle or nursing time and they went to sleep.I usually staed in bed and read for an hur or so but could have gotten up.Maybe you can change their bedtime routine and go in the room where they sleep and stay with them until they are asleep

FlyingBlueKiwi · 06-24-2015, 08:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LeadingThemToHim

I need her to stay in bed because frankly...I'm exhausted and I need some alone time before my own bedtime. I have fibromyalgia / chronic fatigue syndrome and by the time the kids are all down for the night I'm in zombie mode. Yet, if I don't wind down for awhile before I go to bed I have a hard time falling asleep. And I can't wind down when the kids are still up.

Thanks for this. I guess I just figured out WHY I need her in bed...lol.

Just wanted to take a moment to reinforce that this is a COMPLETELY LEGITIMATE reason to want them in bed. It's legitimate even for those who do not have your illnesses.

Several of the women who have posted they don't mind their kids staying up until they go to bed are extroverts. As an introvert, all I can say is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!

When ds was little, that would have ratcheted my anxiety level sky high, as well as wanting to make me hurt him. Even now that he is 11, I get seriously annoyed when he wants to stay up beyond his bedtime. That is MY ALONE TIME.

hollybells · 06-24-2015, 09:30 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by LeadingThemToHim

I need her to stay in bed because frankly...I'm exhausted and I need some alone time before my own bedtime. I have fibromyalgia / chronic fatigue syndrome and by the time the kids are all down for the night I'm in zombie mode. Yet, if I don't wind down for awhile before I go to bed I have a hard time falling asleep. And I can't wind down when the kids are still up.

Thanks for this. I guess I just figured out WHY I need her in bed...lol.

I totally understand. I have chronic pain and migraines and lack of sleep is an instant migraine trigger.

We're working on this with our third now and what's worked well with all three is after bed time routine is done, all bathroom trips, drinks and extra hugs have been taken care of, one of us stays in the room for a bit (until they're asleep initially, then shorter and shorter periods after they're used to the routine) then moves further and further a way. I've spent many nights sitting just inside the room, then in the doorway, then in the hall outside the semi open door knitting or doing sudoku puzzles. They know I'm there and if they wander out, it's easy to offer a quick "time for bed" as I walk them back.

Now we're at the "I need to do some ... laundry, dishes ... whatever works ... and will be back to check on you in a few minutes." Again, the time becomes longer and longer in between checks and any escapees are calmly walked back to bed. If a night seems to be a bit off or challenging, I proactively hang out in the hall with my knitting. Dh and I do this interchangeably depending on schedule, needs or preference but it's workable if you're doing bedtime on your own.

Hope that helps. Our oldest is nearly 16 and I'm happy to report we have no issues getting him to stay in bed. Getting him out of bed is a different story ...

Beth1231 · 06-24-2015, 10:39 AM

With my oldest,I decided I wanted sleep more than anything else. And we didn't want to cosleep at ages 2-4. So a sleeping bag lay beside our bed and she generally came in every morning around 2am to sleep there.
We snuggled up with her in her bed (took turns) until she fell asleep around 8pm every night. Lots of consistency and lots of sleep. Win win for our family.
My boys don't get up. They have each other and that seems to be enough for them.

LeadingThemToHim · 06-24-2015, 01:15 PM

All these responses have been so helpful...thank you!

Quote:

Originally Posted by FlyingBlueKiwi

Just wanted to take a moment to reinforce that this is a COMPLETELY LEGITIMATE reason to want them in bed. It's legitimate even for those who do not have your illnesses.

Several of the women who have posted they don't mind their kids staying up until they go to bed are extroverts. As an introvert, all I can say is NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!

When ds was little, that would have ratcheted my anxiety level sky high, as well as wanting to make me hurt him. Even now that he is 11, I get seriously annoyed when he wants to stay up beyond his bedtime. That is MY ALONE TIME.

I'm so glad you responded with this. This is me to a T. I often feel guilty because the thought of co-sleeping makes me literally want to sit down and cry. I just can't do it. I need my bed to be MY space.

This morning 3yo dd came into bed at 5 AM...I let her stay there for a while and we snuggled and it was sweet...for about 5 minutes. She just tossed and turned and wanted to play, etc. My irritation level was quickly rising and I started getting snappy with her. I realized it just wasn't worth it trying to be someone I'm not, so I snuggled her a bit longer with kisses and hugs (as an appology for my shortness) and then I carried her back to her bed. She fell right back to sleep and slept until 8:30 AM.

We were both better off. As it was, even that little bit of sleep disruption caused a major Fibro flare this morning. I was hardly able to function until well after 10 AM because of the pain.

So, yeah, all that rambling to explain WHY I am not a co-sleeping mama. Also, I'm a single mother now that my husband and I separated in March, so there is that level of stress too.

rjy9343 · 06-24-2015, 01:35 PM

You don't have to justify not co sleeping. It's fine if it's not your cup of tea and there are plenty of us on this board that don't co sleep for whatever reason. The only time it's a problem is if you cio or something like that.

06-23-2015, 06:15 PM	#1
LeadingThemToHim Seedling Rose Join Date: Jul 2014 Posts: 14	Teaching Toddlers to Stay in Bed How to do this? Gently? With my olders we followed the Pearls...spank every. time. I don't want to be that parent anymore. Besides, I really feel it's impossible to be THAT consistent. Hence follows a huge cloud of guilt. How do you gently teach them to stay in bed? Or do you not make that a goal? Maybe I should just be focusing on staying sweet and loving and take them back to bed when they get up?

06-23-2015, 06:33 PM	#2
Starfish Rose Bouquet Join Date: Jan 2010 Posts: 763	Re: Teaching Toddlers to Stay in Bed This is not my area of expertise, and I know a lot of families find a variety of solutions that work for them, so you will probably get a lot of great advice from the wise mamas here. I do want to point out that taking them back to bed when they get up IS being consistent, and setting the boundary that we stay in bed during the night. I work at a childcare center, so my only real experience with this is during naptime, but we have from 6-10 kids who all need to stay on their mats. We do the "set them back on their mat" as many times as it takes for them to realize that resistance is futile. We do verify that there aren't other issues that need to be addressed (poopy diaper, lost their pacifier, etc) and then we repeat and repeat. Some kids will fall asleep on their own, and some need their back patted or a song sung to them until they fall asleep, and we give them the extra help to relax and sleep. Without fail, I bring them back, and bring them back, and just at the point where I think it won't work and I will be carrying them back to their mats repeatedly for the next hour, they resign themselves and settle in. The more consistent and boring I am while I do it, the sooner they realize that nothing fun happens when they get up but the same return to bed drill. __________________ Not yet married, not yet a mother...working with kids age 0-5 at a small non-profit daycare Best. Job. Ever. INFP~Type 2~Middle Child~Shoe size 8.5

06-23-2015, 06:35 PM	#3
MegMarch Rose Garden Join Date: Jun 2012 Posts: 5,922	Re: Teaching Toddlers to Stay in Bed I think you need to consider why staying in bed is important to you. It is important to me that my daughter get enough sleep. So she cannot get up and party if she's exhausted and just doesn't want to miss anything. But if she's not tired, we let her play for 20 min or so quietly and redo bedtime. If she's up in the night wanting to be with us to sleep, that's fine. I think it's as reasonable for a tiny person to want company for sleep as for an adult to feel that way. Other families need kids in their beds for whatever reason. If you actually need a child in bed, you'll need to address it. But spanking teaches them "get in bed, stay in bed, because you'll be hurt if you don't." You want to teach a message of "get in bed, stay in bed, because you need enough rest and we have to be up early." Or "get in bed, I'm going to be with you here till you feel comfortable staying here." Whatever. It can be done gently. You need to consider why and what message you need your child to learn.

06-23-2015, 07:05 PM	#4
rjy9343 Rose Garden Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Northern Virginia Posts: 10,090	Re: Teaching Toddlers to Stay in Bed We coslept with Ivy until this past spring. She woke up one day and informed us she was done sleeping with us and wanted her own bed in her own room. The way we kept her in her bed was first to stay with her until she fell asleep. Then we started staying with her for fifteen minutes. If she got up, we handled whatever she needed and took her back to bed. Usually she just wanted an extra hug from whichever one of us did stay with her or she wanted a quick sip of water. But it was not a regular thing, so it wasn't a big deal. Now that she is in her own room, my husband lies down with her for about thirty minutes and then leaves. She is usually asleep less than five minutes later. I have thought more than once that he should cut back the time, but that is the only time she has him all to herself, so I keep that thought to myself. __________________ Rita s IstJ Wife to my brilliant geek James iNtJ since 4/08 Mom to our angel boy Jay 5/08 our quirky miracle DD Ivy 6/10 mellow miracle DS Jacob 7/15 Often Please forgive my frequent typos Standing firmly on Team Lioness!!! Roar!!! I am ready for people to know I am a GCM find me on Facebook

06-23-2015, 08:03 PM	#6
ArmsOfLove Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 79,607	Re: Teaching Toddlers to Stay in Bed I honestly don't care if my children stay in bed. Any child is welcome in bed with us if they need to be, and most of our children fall asleep in the room we're in at night. We just kind of wake them and get them to bed when we go. As they have gotten older they head to bed when they are tired or we just wake them and send them off to bed. However . . . having shared our personal preference I will also acknowledge that this is something important to some people for whatever reasons and it can be done With the Pearls you would spank them and take them back to bed . . . What I would suggest is just . . . . take them back to bed There was nothing magic about the spanking. If you lead them back to bed every time then you will still be teaching them that they need to stay in bed I guess I always try to start with the question of why something is important to me. If it's important and I have a reason for it then I'm able to back it with action on my part If not, then I reexamine why I'm doing it in the first place and adjust as needed. __________________ Crystal "When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time." Maya Angelou

06-23-2015, 11:12 PM	#7
MariJo7 Rose Trellis Join Date: Sep 2014 Posts: 2,065	Re: Teaching Toddlers to Stay in Bed Something that did help us was shared rooms for the kids. I guess my boys had a lot of fun when they shared a room. They told stories together and other funny things, and for the little brothers it was a special treat to be allowed to share rooms with the "big guys". And my oldest DD loved to co-sleep with her 2yo brother when she was a schoolgirl.

06-23-2015, 11:22 PM	#8
Vicki_T Rose Garden Join Date: Jan 2008 Location: UK Posts: 4,059	Re: Teaching Toddlers to Stay in Bed Like a lot of PPs I'm happy in theory to share my bed with small people who need an adult in the night - but in practice I'm exhausted with a toddler who wriggles, kicks, takes all the covers and pillow and all but pushes me out of bed. Oh, and wakes up if I make the slightest movement . I wish I knew the answer though. I'm not great at being consistent at taking him back to bed when he wakes, and dh sleeps so deeply that it's usually more trouble than it's worth trying to wake him to help. So at the moment, I'm mostly hoping that he (the toddler) will grow out of it.

06-24-2015, 04:38 AM	#9
Tasmanian Saint Rose Trellis Go Team Lioness! Join Date: Jan 2010 Location: This side of the black stump Posts: 2,428	Re: Teaching Toddlers to Stay in Bed Audiobooks can sometimes help, or music. I have spent a lot of hours sitting in the kids' doorway reading forums on my phone. Sent from my GT-S5300 using Tapatalk 2 __________________ Our blossoms: DS "Little Bear" Apr '07 - The negotiator DD "Miss Muffett" Nov '08 "Don't tell Daddy..." DS "Mouse" Jan '12 "I Soup Baby, Man of steel! " Myth Busting over at Dare to Disciple "Believe in yourself. Trust your instincts. Unless your instincts are terrible." Vitruvius, The LEGO Movie.

06-24-2015, 06:48 AM	#10
mamacat Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 26,473	Re: Teaching Toddlers to Stay in Bed How old? We co slept when toddlers were very young and I went back with them and had a prayer,bedtime song, and snuggle or nursing time and they went to sleep.I usually staed in bed and read for an hur or so but could have gotten up.Maybe you can change their bedtime routine and go in the room where they sleep and stay with them until they are asleep __________________ ~Catherine~ Mama to 5: C W C J S And Grandma to 3: A ,K and baby C

06-24-2015, 10:39 AM	#13
Beth1231 Deactivated Join Date: May 2006 Location: Texas Posts: 14,962	Re: Teaching Toddlers to Stay in Bed With my oldest,I decided I wanted sleep more than anything else. And we didn't want to cosleep at ages 2-4. So a sleeping bag lay beside our bed and she generally came in every morning around 2am to sleep there. We snuggled up with her in her bed (took turns) until she fell asleep around 8pm every night. Lots of consistency and lots of sleep. Win win for our family. My boys don't get up. They have each other and that seems to be enough for them.

06-24-2015, 01:35 PM	#15
rjy9343 Rose Garden Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Northern Virginia Posts: 10,090	Re: Teaching Toddlers to Stay in Bed You don't have to justify not co sleeping. It's fine if it's not your cup of tea and there are plenty of us on this board that don't co sleep for whatever reason. The only time it's a problem is if you cio or something like that. __________________ Rita s IstJ Wife to my brilliant geek James iNtJ since 4/08 Mom to our angel boy Jay 5/08 our quirky miracle DD Ivy 6/10 mellow miracle DS Jacob 7/15 Often Please forgive my frequent typos Standing firmly on Team Lioness!!! Roar!!! I am ready for people to know I am a GCM find me on Facebook

X vBulletin 3.8.3 Debug Information
Page Generation 2.05221 seconds Memory Usage 8,162KB Queries Executed 14 (?)
More Information
Template Usage: (1)SHOWTHREAD (1)ad_footer_end (1)ad_footer_start (1)ad_header_end (1)ad_header_logo (1)ad_navbar_below (1)ad_showthread_beforeqr (1)ad_showthread_firstpost (1)ad_showthread_firstpost_sig (1)ad_showthread_firstpost_start (5)bbcode_quote (1)cyb_flashimagebanners (1)footer (1)forumjump (1)forumrules (1)gobutton (1)header (1)headinclude (1)navbar (3)navbar_link (60)option (1)pagenav (1)pagenav_curpage (1)pagenav_pagelink (15)post_groan_box (1)post_groan_javascript (1)post_groan_navbar_search (15)post_thanks_box (37)post_thanks_box_bit (1)post_thanks_javascript (1)post_thanks_navbar_search (11)post_thanks_postbit_legacy (15)postbit_legacy (15)postbit_onlinestatus (125)postbit_reputation (15)postbit_wrapper (4)showthread_bookmarksite (1)smqre_editor_button (1)spacer_close (1)spacer_open (1)tagbit_wrapper Phrase Groups Available: global inlinemod postbit posting reputationlevel showthread	Included Files: ./showthread.php ./global.php ./includes/init.php ./includes/class_core.php ./includes/config.php ./includes/functions.php ./includes/class_hook.php ./includes/functions_notice.php ./mobiquo/smartbanner.php ./mobiquo/include/classTTConnection.php ./mobiquo/smartbanner/head.inc.php ./includes/functions_bigthree.php ./includes/class_postbit.php ./includes/class_bbcode.php ./includes/functions_reputation.php ./includes/adminfunctions_template.php ./includes/functions_misc.php ./includes/functions_post_thanks.php ./includes/functions_post_groan.php Hooks Called: init_startup cache_permissions fetch_threadinfo_query fetch_threadinfo fetch_foruminfo style_fetch cache_templates global_start parse_templates fetch_musername notices_check_start global_setup_complete showthread_start template_groups template_safe_functions template_compile showthread_getinfo forumjump showthread_post_start showthread_query_postids showthread_query bbcode_fetch_tags bbcode_create showthread_postbit_create postbit_factory postbit_display_start post_thanks_function_post_thanks_off_start post_thanks_function_post_thanks_off_end post_thanks_function_fetch_thanks_start post_thanks_function_fetch_thanks_end post_thanks_function_thanked_already_start post_thanks_function_thanked_already_end post_thanks_function_fetch_thanks_bit_start post_thanks_function_show_thanks_date_start post_thanks_function_fetch_thanks_bit_end post_thanks_function_fetch_post_thanks_template_start post_thanks_function_fetch_post_thanks_template_end post_groan_function_post_groan_off_start post_groan_function_post_groan_off_end post_groan_function_fetch_groans_start post_groan_function_fetch_groans_end post_groan_function_groaned_already_start post_groan_function_groaned_already_end reputation_image postbit_imicons bbcode_parse_start bbcode_parse_complete_precache bbcode_parse_complete postbit_display_complete error_fetch pagenav_page pagenav_complete tag_fetchbit_complete forumrules showthread_bookmarkbit navbits navbits_complete showthread_complete
Messages: