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Old 06-29-2015, 03:13 PM   #1
momaich
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Default My kids are older

Hi all, can you direct me to some reading materials for our situation? My kids are aged 12-17 years and I feel they are disrespectful. They make fun of me for being old and having gray hair and being forgetful. To some extent, this behavior mimics the way my husband speaks to me. He is not a Christian and does not speak about other people in a respectful manner. He often makes unkind remarks about other people. I have been using grace based discipline since the kids were small, but it has not rubbed off on my husband. He sees it as a failure because the kids do not jump up and do what he asks as soon as he asks it. In any case, I need to do something and I am not adverse to adjusting my own behaviors and attitudes. I do find myself keeping my mouth shut just so I don't have to deal with criticism from my family members. I'm very unhappy and know this can't continue. I've also just been through a major health crisis and have little time or energy to do research so I am cheating and asking for specific direction to reading materials that will help asap. Thanks so much.
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Old 06-29-2015, 03:27 PM   #2
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Default Re: My kids are older

How to Talk so Teens will Listen and Listen so Teens will Talk!
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Old 06-30-2015, 05:48 AM   #3
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Default Re: My kids are older

Honestly, they are doing what was modeled to them by their father. I divorced my XH a few years ago and the older my kids get, the more they talk to me like their father always did. He didn't respect me and they learned that from him.

I've started just telling them that I will not talk to them until they can speak respectfully to me. Then I walk away. It is a boundary I was never able to set with their father because I was so beaten down.

Also, I don't think the way your husband speaks to you is because he isn't a Christian. I think it's because he isn't a kind person. No one should speak to another person like that. You don't deserve to have someone saying things like that to you, especially your husband. You don't have to accept that.
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Old 06-30-2015, 08:31 AM   #4
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Default Re: My kids are older

How do you respond when they speak unkindly?
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Old 07-01-2015, 12:35 AM   #5
MariJo7
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Default Re: My kids are older

Sounds like a difficult situation, but not hopeless. .

How is your situation in general? What kind of "powers" do you have? Do you have a job or a business? Do you stay at home? What kind of "services" and "benefits" you are able to grant or deny? It might be helpful to make an "inventory" of all the benefits your DH and children depend upon, so you can put a "prize tag" on them. No respect, no benefits!

In my home, my big children respect me because they depend on my money for their clothes, school books, concert tickets and many other things. I am the Ministry of Culture and Education in our home, and the kids know it. When they apply for funding, they know it is "no respect, application denied". My DH has a job and makes his own money, but sometimes he needs to ask for my help as well. And for him, it is also "no respect, no money for you".

On what kind of "money chests" are you "sitting on", or what kind of other resources are you guarding? Whatever they are, guard them carefully and do not give them away cheaply. If you do not have money of your own, you may refuse other benefits, if not asked respectfully. "No, you are not going to bring your friends on Friday, if you talk to me like that". "You ask me nicely, or it is going to be laundry strike for two weeks, especially for your stuff." "No respect, no birthday cake."

Look around and count your power resources. Ask God's help to recognize them, and if you think you need more, ask Him. He is on your side. And then, prayerfully and with God's wisdom, start to rule over what he has given you. Be tough and be fair.

By the way: The book of Proverbs has many great advice about using power in a constructive way.
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Old 07-02-2015, 05:42 AM   #6
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Default Re: My kids are older

I stress that everyone deserves respect regardless. How do you speak to them? How do you speak to their father? I Have to admit I don't really understand the PPs post. What happens when you no longer have power? What will you hold over their head then? Maybe I'm misunderstanding though. I deserve my children's respect because I'm a human being. I deserve extra consideration because I am their mother. It is very hard to get kids to be respectful if disrespect is being modeled for them. I have always done what Pam does. What do you do when another adult is disrespectful? Thats how I treat my kids. We do a fair amount of teasing here. If it ever crosses a line from playful joking to being hurtful, I say so.

I've also found that at certain ages all of my kids have played around with sarcasm. Usually they aren't skilled and it comes off VERY rude. They are trying to be adults but they aren't good at it yet. I'm fairly patient with their attempts but sometimes furnace is needed "I think you were trying to be funny but that really came across disrespectfully" or even just a raised eyebrow and "is that how you meant to come across?" Sometimes a longer sit down conversation is necessary and I think that is probably true in your case. I would sit them down and say "lately i have noticed that you treat me very disrespectfully. Regardless of if you mean to or not, I am not going to tolerate it any more. I will give you a chance to correct and after that I will not respond unless you are respectful." And the. Give examples. So say one of them comes up and rudely makes a demand or disrespectful comment you could say "is that how you meant to come across? Try again" if they wont correct it then tell them "I don't let people talk to me that way. When you can speak to me respectfully I will listen" and then make sure you do!
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Old 07-03-2015, 01:25 AM   #7
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Default Re: My kids are older

I believe we all have "power" and resources, but we may not be aware of them all. They may be material or mental or other kind of resources. Sometimes it is good to sit down, think and pray, something like this: "Dear Father, you have promised to give us all we need for a Godly life. Please help me see what kind of resources you have given to me in order to get a victory in this situation". And if we think we do not have enough to work with, God is there and he is willing to give us more of what we need.

I very much agree with the PP that we should set good examples in respectful behavior, kindness, love and service. In fact, I believe that is one of the things that gives us "power" and authority, not to break down or to "hold over anyone's head" but to build up, and sometimes also, to take the "steering wheel" when necessary. Like 1 Timothy 3: 13 says, "those who have served well will gain themselves an honorable position (authority) and much boldnes in Chirst Jesus" (I hope my free translation is ok, my Bible is not in English). This scripture deals with the Deacons in the church, but I believe we all can take it as a promise. Sometimes we seem not to have much, humanly speaking, but if we have "served well" where ever we are, God sees it. He will give us boldness and authority in order to do what needs to be done.

Unfortunately, respect does not always automatically come to us from other people, even when we have been good examples and we actually "deserve" better. I believe that momaich, who wrote the original message, really has done her best. She deserves to be respected by her husband and children but they do not give it to her. In such situations, it may be necessary to stand up and to start to "pull some strings". Sometimes respect has to be "reinforced" a little. Sometimes you have to shake the apple tree, so to speak.

I lived about 15 years with a husband who did not respect me. Oh, he said he did and he said he loved me, and he probably even did love me, but I was treated disrespectful, ordered around, criticized all the time, interrupted all the time, not listened at...I'll spare you the particulars, but I was not happy, I felt like a doormat and I could not understand why. I so much tried to be an "obedient and submissive" wife. Why did God not bless me? I guessed it was because there was something wrong with me. I probably was not submissive enough...

Things changed when I started to work a job, just in order to help to make the ends meet. I did my very best to earn some money and to please my employers and clients...and I became very good at my job . For the first time in my life I received genuine appreciation and recognition for my contribution and real respect as a professional and as a co-worker. And real pay checks! I loved it and decided: "This is what I also want at home! "My work in those days was mainly cooking. I thought by myself: "At home, I cook at least just as well as here at by job. Besides, I do many other things. I want to be treated at home with the same respect as at my job!"

I started to bring in some changes little by little. Some changes I just bluntly and forcibly "executed", like having my own bank account for my own income. We had one big, big fight about it, but I insisted on it, and for a good reason. My husband had a very nasty attitude about money: Everything I had or got automatically belonged to him. He felt free just to grab it. Everything he had was "of us both, of course", but it was all behind his back. I was not prepared to live with that any longer so I considered it worth a fight. And it was ! With other changes I was more gentle, I guess. My message towards him was, however: "I'm happy to help, to serve, to contribute, to support and everything, but I'm not to be taken for granted any more. My help, my support, my money, my cooking, my house keeping, my hospitality for your friends...are not to just there to be "grabbed" by you."

These changes started to take place also about 15 years ago. It has not been easy, but things have gradually improved. Today I almost have a new husband even though it still is the same guy. It is a kind of funny: He so much was against of women having a job or an academic career or women telling their opinion straightforwardly or being in any leading position. Now I'm doing all those thing, and he is so much nicer and more respectful than ever before.

Is it genuine respect? Or is he just behaving better because he is afraid I won't cook or wash his clothes or pay my share of the bills? I hope, and I have the idea, it is genuine respect, but even it would not be, I would call improved behavior a good start. You know, often a change of attitude begins with a change of behavior . And in any case, my life has become more liveable, more satisfying and happier in general.

Dear momaic, it is God's will that your kids learn to speak respectfully to you. Absolutely! And because your husband is not a Christian, it seems to me that you are now the "oldest and the wisest" in this situation and also closest to God's resources. May He be with you all the time and give you everything you need.
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Old 07-10-2015, 08:25 PM   #8
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Default Re: My kids are older

Thank you for sharing your story and perspective on things, MariJo!
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