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01-29-2010, 04:58 PM | #106 |
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
in light of this thread I explained some of my questions to DD1 today I explained that when I ask why she did something or what she was thinking that I wasn't trying to be ugly or make her less than what she is, that I'm truly wanting to know so I can know how to work with her on it not happening again. She seemed to really understand and we had a lot less "I don't know" today.
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01-29-2010, 06:37 PM | #107 |
Rose Garden
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
I was thinking about self talk today, and recognized some tapes in my head. First this morning I was getting dressed and I couldn't find my bra. So, I asked dh if he had seen where I took it off (because sometimes I take it off while on the computer or watching tv to get comfy before I actually go change into pjs). Then I caught myself saying, "ya know, if you just took it off and put it away in the same place everyday it wouldn't be an issue. Why is that so difficult?! Are you really that disorganized and lazy that you can't even keep track of your bra?!"
I stopped myself and backtracked. It's not that big of a deal, you aren't in a hurry to go anywhere, it's just a bra, not a reflection of your entire life. You'll find it, we all lose things. But I wasn't able to get much deeper than that. I didn't know what else to tell myself. I also realized today that I think I have called myself and my husband "lazy" every day for the last 4 or 5 days. The whole family has been sick all week and we are just now recovering. What I feel and what I've been telling myself- This whole week was wasted, dd watched a ton of tv because I was on the computer and not doing anything with her, we all sat around being bums. We're totally lazy and useless. I can't believe we didn't accomplish anything all week. There's only so much time in our lives and now this whole week is wasted. I'm not being a good mom, a good wife, and my husband is being a lazy bum, but hey what's new there. He's like this even if we aren't sick. REALITY- We were sick! All of us! We rested for 4 days. I didn't do a lot physically, but I've been doing Bible studies like crazy and going back and forth with HUGE emails to an LDS friend. I've learned a ton in the last few days. I got the basics done that I needed to do for work. Did several loads of laundry, cleaned the living room spotless, right down to scrubbing the wall. My kitchen is a disaster, but the rest of the house is ok. We had a visit from our boss (we manage an apartment complex) and we got 100% on our evaluation. I went to CR. We dealt with a resident who's having major issues and dh spent a bunch of time over there repairing things and supervising the vendors. I did a craft with the girls, they took a bunch of baths, dd played with other kids in the nursery while I was at CR, she's done a lot of pretend play. But even as I type that out, there is a part of me that says "quit justifying being lazy! You weren't THAT sick, it's not like you were on your death bed. You could have done more. The only thing worse than being lazy is trying to justify it and make excuses."
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01-29-2010, 06:43 PM | #108 |
Rose Garden
Some Cal/Mag will probably fix that.
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
My mom went through a jag of saying "Nothing makes me as crazy as lazy" and I finally snapped at her "Nothing makes me as smudgment as judgment."
I know it didn't make any sense, but she considers anyone who ever sits down for more than three minutes in a row to be "lazy" She thinks that when I knit or do anything for myself it's "lazy" or, as you were talking about, resting while sick is "lazy" even though rest is the most restorative thing you can do for your body.
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allisonintx Wife to Stephen Mother to Elizabeth 19, Andrew 17, Abigail 14 & Evelyn 12 Love. You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but you take a boat in the air that you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the world. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down. Tells you she's hurting before she keens. Makes her a home. . . . . . . . |
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01-29-2010, 06:48 PM | #109 |
Rose Garden
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
the lazy tape is a bad one. my mother was like that.
so what happens, is when you do try to rest, you become anxious. b/c you are conditioned to expect a poo storm to start the minute you try to rest. so, then, people get a) really crabby and anxious themselves, and finally give up resting b) forgo resting altogether, while giving a hard time to those who do. i'm still working on this one.
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sweet and sassy wife, mama, healer, part-time dragon-slayer the worst PM answerer ever my belongs to the babywearing 'Architect' Dancing with my three Magical Elves Smiles the Stampede Sugar Plump & Double Dimples Kissing each elf 1,000,000 times a day, and when there's time left tracking gnomes, singing folk songs on the porch, befriending dragonflies, and bopping sun-frosted 'fros through the dandelion fields. |
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01-29-2010, 07:35 PM | #110 |
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
Wow, I am just now finding this thread, and for someone who suffers from bouts of yelling, stomping, kicking walls, shaming, etc, it is a tremendous blessing.
Thank you. |
01-29-2010, 08:04 PM | #111 | |
Rose Garden
The Lion Cub
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
Quote:
I can't seem to find the place where I can say, "that's good enough" and leave the rest undone. I already see this tendency in my 2 yo, and I want to find balance so that I can teach DS to find balance. But HOW do I stop the "lazy" tape from playing? What do I say to myself in its place without going too far in the other direction and actually excusing genuinely lazy behavior? (Does that make sense? It did in my head... )
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01-29-2010, 08:42 PM | #112 | |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Mar 2008
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
Quote:
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~Emily INTJ, Type 4 Wife to D Mama to: E 12/05 L 7/08 Z 12/10 A 6/14 and J in heaven 2/10 Torah Keeping, Unschooling Family My blog on unschooling and family life: Peace On Dark Nights. |
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01-29-2010, 10:12 PM | #113 | |
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
Quote:
---------- Post added at 11:12 PM ---------- Previous post was at 11:10 PM ---------- I forgot to say that today was so.much.better than I've had in a looong time! I caught myself in the midst of a lot of negative self-talk and turned it around quite often. My biggest help today was 'It's not personal.' For some reason that resonates for me. And 'I am not afraid of your big feelings.' (I can't remember which mama said that!!! ) So thank you for this thread! |
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01-29-2010, 11:04 PM | #114 |
Rose Garden
Some Cal/Mag will probably fix that.
Join Date: Mar 2005
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
Crystal talks often about us being bigger than our children's big feelings, and how that makes them feel safe to have those big feelings.
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allisonintx Wife to Stephen Mother to Elizabeth 19, Andrew 17, Abigail 14 & Evelyn 12 Love. You can learn all the math in the 'verse, but you take a boat in the air that you don't love, she'll shake you off just as sure as the turn of the world. Love keeps her in the air when she ought to fall down. Tells you she's hurting before she keens. Makes her a home. . . . . . . . |
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01-30-2010, 06:20 AM | #115 |
Rose Garden
Have you ever heard a fly roar? Listen carefully!
Join Date: Mar 2005
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
I think one of my struggles is getting locked in with the situation. One of the few Dobson (?) tapes playing in my head is that little chidren have short memories and you must put the negative consequence as close to the misbehavior as possible - so they will learn. I'm so busy trying to follow that advice that I'm not modeling more positive behavior or problem solving skills.
Not to mention that my kids have great recall skills, and that GOYB is putting action right away - but does not mean I must be emotionally involved. If I think about it, if their memory is so poor that they won't make the right associations about their behavior/consequences, chances are that the next time the impulse strikes, they won't remember the last cause/effect. Totally a waste of time. I have thoughts about the lazy thing too. Off to find the spin.
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01-30-2010, 06:30 AM | #116 |
Seedling Rose
Join Date: Jan 2010
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
I'm in. This sounds like a something I could use as well. Thanks!
~Tea~ |
01-31-2010, 03:32 PM | #117 |
Climbing Rose
Mama to two little sweetpeas and loving wife to my Darling tech buff
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
Subbing. Thanks for this thread!
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Marie Wife to beloved DH since 2002 (the BIG *1-0* Anniversary this year!), , Mom to Nobu 7y(12.05) & Meg 5y(6.08) |
01-31-2010, 03:43 PM | #118 |
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Location: Missouri
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
awesome thread mamas...i am learning so much!!
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01-31-2010, 07:35 PM | #119 |
Rose Garden
Join Date: Mar 2005
Posts: 15,359
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
OK, I do not know if this was right or good, it felt bad.
Ainslee was having one of her nights.,Crying about everything, tired, not tired, want to watch the show,wanted a bath, baby talk ad nauseum including just plain babble (she has to be pretty bad to resort to babble), and freaking out if Riley came over or if Riley touched her or if I moved her on my lap... She's been like this for 4 evenings straight now, and it gets old. And I was mad because having to deal with her was eating up a lot of time, and I knew when I took her to bed, dh was gonna take Ri to bed and then I wasn't going to get to spend time with Ri because Ainslee had hurt her feelings earlier by yelling at her to get away and then when I told Ri she could stay sitting beside me, Ainslee screamed loud enough to make Riley WANT to move away.... Ok? It's exhausting, and my self talk was all "now she's ruining my evening and I won't get to spend time with Ri and blah, blah" and meantime she's freaking out because she keeps saying I look mad or I sound mad and she won't calm down until I'm not mad, etc. So I said: yes, I'm tired and i'm cranky, and my ears hurt from your screaming, and I"m upset because you screamed at Riley and drove her away and I don't get to spend time with her this evening, and I love you, but I 'm not getting to enjoy the time I spend with you. I am sure that was totally gult tripping and shaming, but it was better than having the thougths show on my tightly pinched lips and terse manner, I guess.
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Marsha Learning to be a single, wohm mom to my girls Ainslee (June 10, 2002) and Riley (August 9, 2005)! |
02-01-2010, 12:17 AM | #120 |
Rose Trellis
Join Date: Mar 2009
Posts: 1,918
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Re: s/o parenting self-talk
subbing I SO need this
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Married to KD- Full time Stepmom since 2007 to TD-16, AG- 15, and DJ- 14 Mom to DD born into the arms of Jesus at 41 wks & my miracle DD- Twinkle Toes- Definitely 4 |
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