Need help dealing with Church Nursery

[daina]

Hi Everyone,
I'm *new* here but I've been dying to present my situation here for a few weeks now- to soundboard with you all and hear your advice and experience!

My husband and I have a son who is 16 months old. We moved to FL in January of 2016, from a small church in AZ with only 4 children to a much bigger church with a VERY busy nursery(about 12-15 kids under 2 every sunday). In Arizona, I was always with my baby in church, and if he fussed, I would take him out of the service and nurse him. Here at our new church, it is expected that we will leave our children in the nursery and attend the services(Sunday AM, Sunday PM, Wednesday PM and Sunday School).

Ever since we got here, I have had a very hard time leaving my son in the nursery. He just cries, and they page me. Often when I pick him up, he is crying harder than I ever see him cry. There HAVE been days where he has lasted an hour or even the whole service and done well, but then if we missed church for a week due to illness, he would just throw a fit when we would attend again.

I have gotten on the nursery volunteer schedule, but there are about 20 women who cycle through the schedule so I am only officially on the schedule one day a month. Really though, I or my husband just end up in the nursery about every service, where we hold our son and help out the other workers. Whenever I or my husband are in the nursery with him, he has a great time. He loves to play and he explores, but he likes to make sure that we are still in the room, or he gets insecure.

On the rare occassions where we have been able to leave our DS, I am told that he is OK while he is being held but if a worker has to put him down to help another baby he kind of has a breakdown. I do hold him a lot, but i have heard in my church comments being made to other moms that they have to stop holding their babies so much because in the nursery they are spoiled and always want to be held.

The Pastor's wife has told me several times that I need to just leave him and let him cry it out. They tried a few Sundays ago to let him cry it out(against my instruction to page me if he cried more than a couple minutes) and my son ended up making all the other babies in the nursery cry and trying to climb up the cribs walls while screaming and throwing a fit.... and then they eventually paged me.

I have spent a lot of time in the nursery this last year, and I have seen with two other toddlers how a similar thing was handled. Both kids were children of church elders(the youth pastor's son, and a deacon's daughter). They would cry and fuss a lot for their mothers, until they are eventually punished for their crying. With the little boy, when he is really crying for his mother, his father comes and takes him out and spanks him with a spoon, and he returns wimpering and seems to be alright.

So... my real question is, what is the right thing to do here? By constantly being in the nursery so my son does not need to separate from me, am I just being permissive? Have I done wrong by getting him "used" to the idea that if he cries in the nursery, mommy comes? My husband and I have kind of surrendered to always taking turns being in the nursery with our son, but I wonder sometimes if this is the right thing to do(especially when one of the moms or the pastors wife makes a comment). All of the other babies are mostly always OK with playing in the nursery without their moms.... My baby is just. not.

[FlyingBlueKiwi]

What drew you to this church? Do you feel it is a good fit for your family?

[daina]

Well we wanted to find a faithful independent baptist church that preaches from the KJV. When we attended for the first time, we were very happy to see all the babies and young families, and that it is a very active church with a mom's group. I am honestly a bit overwhelmed by all the services, as I feel like we are always going to church, but my husband is feeling called into ministry and he feels like this is where God has called us. We will likely be moving to another state in 6 months, so that will be a good time to assess what kind of church we will be looking for next.

[FlyingBlueKiwi]

Originally Posted by daina

Well we wanted to find a faithful independent baptist church that preaches from the KJV.

Just wanted to return to this. I know what you mean, as when I was a relatively new believer I found this kind of church helpful for me as it was so different from the surrounding world. Not the KJV part, though (I've never understood why anyone would think that a Bible commissioned by James Stewart - not a particularly devout believer, more a politician - would have greater value than others ).

That said, as I matured as a Christian I moved away from this type of church as I realized it was (1) very extrovert driven i.e. you were only a good Christian if you knocked on doors and aggressively witnessed to strangers - things that sent my anxiety sky high and literally made me ill, (2) had a fairly simple understanding of Scripture, particularly lacking the context of the knowledge of Bible times to correctly interpret things usually because (3) pastors tend to have fairly narrow educations all given by the same type of BJU or Tennessee Temple type of Bible college - if they went to seminary at all. You didn't see many who truly understood, or even cared about, the cultures of the ancient world when the Bible was written, for example - but those are crucial to a deeper understanding of the Bible.

To be fair, there are people who attended those churches many years ago who are still there and seem to be happy, and that is their right.

I guess what I am trying to say is that, if you are open to it, you and your DH will find there are many types of churches that preach faithfully.

But I would be wary of any that claim they are the only Christian church to have the right way.

[daina]

Originally Posted by FlyingBlueKiwi

I moved away from this type of church as I realized it was (1) very extrovert driven i.e. you were only a good Christian if you knocked on doors and aggressively witnessed to strangers - things that sent my anxiety sky high and literally made me ill

But I would be wary of any that claim they are the only Christian church to have the right way.

... I totally agree. My church goes out putting tracts on people's doors every week and I HATE it... there's a pressure that if you don't do it(where in the bible did they go knocking on ppls doors with the gospel?) you don't care about souls or something. Or even that if you don't do a good amount of the activities the church has going on(bible studies, parties, conferences, witnessing, outreach, services, ministries, etc.) you are just not a faithful christian. I also agree that as an invrovert, I am just completely overwhelmed with all the church. I get exhausted just thinking about going to church for 2 1/2 hrs on Sunday morning, then coming home just to take a nap and do it again. I've been feeling like a failure as a Christian because Sundays are my least favorite day of the week. My husband seems to be doing really well at this church but I just feel like I'm getting really down and depressed. I just get tied up because I realize that the underlying belief system is that the IFBs are the ones who have it right and everyone else is just... Unsaved? Doing it wrong? Not gonna get any rewards in heaven?

Thank you everyone for helping me to see these things. I don't know to approach it with DH. We've been talking a lot about discipline and he thinks I'm being rebellious against the faith because every "good godly christian" family we know spanks/spanked their kids. Since I don't want to go to the pastor or the pastors wife (or even to the woman who discipled me) for advice, he sees it as a distrust of authority.


What started as a post about the nursery has helped me to see there are bigger underlying issues and doubts that I have.

I especially agree that with my husband being called into ministry, we have to think long and hard about what kind of church we really want to be in because I look at the youth pastors wives(who are my age... 25-26)... And I think to myself "I just could NOT do this..."

Thanks y'all

[Redeemed]

I don't want to hijack the thread or what have you, but having recently come out of the Word of Faith movement, which IS a cult (think new age mysticism with a splash of Christianity), you don't want to go to an extreme like that either.

We do have church visitation at our church, but it's not mandatory for members to go. It's mostly the deacons who go and those who are in training for Evangelism Explosion (EE). I never did go on visitation while going through EE because I have horrible social anxiety.

[MegMarch]

As for how to discipline, I find it helpful to look at two things. 1. What I want for a relationship with my children in the long term. 2. How I believe people are supposed to be treated.

1. I want a relationship that in time ends up with us as equals, sisters in Christ, friends even. That doesn't mean I am permissive. It means I need to know my children as people though. And to understand the difference between developmental stages and personal choices. A toddler saying "no!" is a lot different than a teen saying the same As those "nos" are different, so will my responses to them be different. Being willing to step out of "society says you need to behave, so I will make you do it" and into "what is going on for YOU, how can our family work together" is important. And with the long term goals in mind, I can step out of the intensity of moments of frustration and gain perspective that helps me handle things with more calmness and, I hope, wisdom.

2. I don't think any person should be hurt in order to learn something, for example. I think God calls us to love our neighbors, even the ones sitting on our laps. When we look at how God asks and shows us to treat others, it is easier to see how to treat our children. The Bible doesn't have a lot of parenting specific information but there is a ton in there on interpersonal relationships

[Maedchen]

I was born into a SBC family. We went every time that we could if my dad was not working when we were babies. (Momma didn't drive) When we got older, the preacher picked me and my older sister up for Wed.night. My mother mostly had to stay home with my baby sister who needed to sleep before we would have gotten home. We stayed in a SBC until I was 14. From then until I was 50, we were IBC.

One thing I can say, if you are in a Baptist church,you can work yourself to death. LOL I used to laugh and say, you move your letter or get saved and before you get out the door, you are either in bus ministry or another job.

The one thing I never understood was the visiting and especially at night time to people that had visited or had never been. (My husband was navy, so we moved a lot... He also worked at night at some stations and I didn't like 2 men showing up at my door knocking when he was out to sea or catching me already in my pjs, but I had to be polite and show hospitality while feeling completely ill at ease with two strange men at my door.)

God gives gifts to all in 1 Cor. 12 we are told that none are better and all require diff. talents and not everybody gets the same gifts, or all of the gifts.

Yet, again, the knocking on doors and exhorting is supposed to be an everybody job........... Not everybody has that gift.


It will be an uphill struggle for your gentle approach. It will be an uphill battle for you not to be teaching, visiting, missing services, not having to let everyone know why you were not at church at a certain time due to illness, or just too tired.

With that said, I am not saying that IBC are not saved, or good people. They are just legalistic and expect everyone to be a square peg in a square hole..... It makes it hard for those that are different 'shaped' people. (I was caught up in some of this thought process when I was younger, but it is very hard and lonely for young mothers.) There were many times when I struggled to get out the door with 3 stair step aged babies to only spend my time in the nursery or to take my low immune system child to get sick by the kid with the snotty nose that had to be there even though it was not according to rules. I would wonder, why do I push so hard. It was to not be 'judged'.


If I had to do the entire 'nursery' years over again, I would not put my kiddos in the nursery. If my church was adamant about no babies in church service, I would find another church. (this is not a slight on good nursery workers) I just feel like my kids would be with me at church times.

[ArmsOfLove]

Originally Posted by daina

We've been talking a lot about discipline and he thinks I'm being rebellious against the faith because every "good godly christian" family we know spanks/spanked their kids.

I have 5 children.

19

16

14

twin 11 yo's.

I *literally* wrote the book on GBD (I developed it and the books Biblical Parenting and Grace-Based Living are my books where I share about it)

My young adults and teenagers and even my tweens are absolute pleasures. They were never spanked. They were raised without punishments. They had their issues, and we worked hard addressing them, because parenting well is hard work. And we are all reaping the rewards

If you move in circles where everyone is punitive then you will get the impression that everyone is punitive. If you move in circles where people aren't punitive, or, like me, you hear the stories of all of the adults who are working through their punitive backgrounds, you begin too see how twisted punishments are. They make an idol of parents and adult convenience. They require the least among us to serve the greatest -- the OPPOSITE of Jesus' message.

I'm a big believer in the purpose of parenting being to help our children become who God created them to be without doing damage to them or distracting them from their purpose. I've tried to identify their strengths, and the counterbalancing weakness, and help them develop in and understand their strengths and develop skills and boundaries for their weaknesses. And as my children have become adults and are moving out into the world I'm so proud of them. They don't have all the work to figure out who they are and what their purpose is that I have had to do.

[Singingmom]

Oh my, this brings back memories! I was also intimidated by the church nursery situation when I had my babies.

I am happy to say that while leaving your baby to cry in the nursery may be expected, it is absolutely NOT required. You and your husband are the ones who have the right and the responsibility to do what you feel is best for your family and your child on Sunday mornings. If that means taking turns in the nursery or walking the halls with him, that is perfectly okay.

You might miss sitting through each sermon with your husband for a season, but if I can encourage you from where I'm sitting, I don't for a minute regret the time I spent with my babies on Sunday mornings. I do wish I'd had a church like the one we go to now that truly welcomes babies and families. But if you really like your church in other ways, you and your dh can stand up for yourselves gracefully against the pressure to leave your baby, and have confidence that what you're doing is good and right for your little family.

[esperanza]

I've been in a very similar boat. My son is almost 3.5, and just yesterday freaked out, throwing blocks (thank goodness he didn't hit anyone!), sobbing, because he couldn't see me. I had stepped into the kitchenette off the nursery, and he thought I had left him in there alone. I think we've been able to leave him less than 5 times for the whole nursery time alone. So yes, every week either my dh or I are down in the nursery. (I'm the coordinator now, which makes it a little less awkward). He is not ready for us to leave him, and we certainly don't want to make coming to church a traumatic experience. We have a rule that if children cry more than 10-15 minutes, we page the parents. We aren't comfortable leaving him to cry at all, so we spend a lot of time in the nursery. It's hard, and I definitely miss being able to hear the sermon, but it's worth it.

That is a lot of time you're expected to be at church. Can you dh go alone to some services? That's a lot of time for a little one to be in the nursery, and I can imagine the evening services are close to bedtime, making him tired and even more upset to be separated from you.

I keep telling myself it's just a season, and we'll miss this season someday soon!

[Aerynne]

to you. That is such a hard situation!

I wouldn't leave a child in the nursery if they would let my baby cry against my wishes- I would either not take him or take him and stay with him. And the pastor's wife making a decision about your child for you against your wishes is completely unacceptable.

I personally would probably try to take him into the service. It's "expected" that you take him to the nursery but if it's not absolutely required I wouldn't. If it is absolutely required then I would skip the service and stay with him in the nursery.

Our church has a service for families followed by classes for adults and children with a nursery for the toddlers. But we don't send our toddlers to nursery- we just take them to the adult classes with us and take them out if they are loud. We have only been criticized for it on a few occasions (maybe people talk about us behind our backs, but at least to our faces only a few times).

You said your dh feels called to be there- how do you feel? Does your dh know how you feel about the nursery stuff? How does he feel about the nursery stuff?

[daina]

My husband knows how I feel about this, and he is in support and on board with me in taking turns staying in the nursery. There is a phrase I have heard spoken once or twice about "putting your children before God" or "making an idol of your children"... I do not know how this would actually look, but sometimes if I miss church because it would just be too hard for DS, or if I look at how the other mothers are serving in children's ministries while I am taking care of my attached baby, I feel guilty about it. The seed of those phrases got planted somewhere, and cause me to doubt myself.

I seem to go through this every few months where I get settled in my conviction to just go into the nursery with DS, and I have aa peace about it- but then the going gets HARD when you have to spend that much time in the nursery. And then when I hear or observe other mothers viewpoints on the subject, I doubt myself and get all confused and unsettled again. I just need to hear the affirmation and KNOW that its ok for me to keep my son with me, and that i'm not "spoiling" him, which is how many of the mothers in my church might see it.

The pastor's wife means well. I know that she just wants me to be able to listen to the sermons and get fed spiritually. She's a matter-of-fact woman who says whats on her mind, and she's heard me grumble sometimes about staying with my son, or wanting to be able to leave him, so she is just trying to do what she things is helpful. I might just have to talk with her one-on-one about the issue.

[Little Forest]

Amen, Meg!
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[BestLaidPlans]

MegMarch, preach it!

And when God talks about idols in the Bible, He's actually meaning literal idols. Bow down and worship, give them credit for His work, trust in them instead of Him - idols. (Even in the apostles' letters to churches.) Getting priorities out of whack is a whole 'nother thing. That phrase they are using is a judgmental buzz phrase most of the time. There's quite a few of those in church culture.