How to deal with this?

ModestMama · 05-04-2016, 03:19 PM

I don't even know what to call it....

(BTW Just got my Positive Disclipline Workbook in the mail today...so excited!)

My 8 yo daughter has a really awfulthing ahe does when she gets mad.. of causing others to believe a certain thing/way all the while not disclosing what she REALLY means so that she can later accuse that person of being mean.

For instance: Today we got a junk packet of College advertisments in the mail and I told her to hand it to me and she started tell me "Noo nooo I'm gonna give this to C****" (our oldest whos 22) and I insisted and told her "No. She doesnt need this its junk and she is already enrolled in College". Then insisted she give it to me and she gave me someof it and I asked for the rest (all the while she is furious with me) i rip it up and she start crying. My husband went in to talk to her (hes really good with the staying calm talks) she told him that she changed her mind when i told her that she could not give it to C**** and she then wanted to keep it for herself so she could play with it. He asked her if she told me she wanted to keep it for herself and she said "No, but thats the reason I wanted it!" And he told her that he feels like If i would of let her keep it, she would of given it to C**** as soon as she got home..(and i agree, she has done that before.)

She has done things like this on many occasions ...she "pretends" to acts a certain way to upset me, then when she is confronted with it, plays it off as if her intentions were innocent and not the way I assumed. And I am the one at fault.

3PeasInAPod · 05-04-2016, 04:48 PM

Does it matter if she wanted it or if she gives it to C? Because all that would've mattered to me is that you asked her to hand it to you and she refused and started a power struggle with you which you seemed to entertain (when you tried to reason with her why C doesn't need it).

CelticJourney · 05-04-2016, 04:59 PM

I would walk it back to the start. You made a request, she refused. Now I'm not into first time obedience or any of that nonsense, but it seems she feeds off of what comes next...the explanation. Normally I'd be advocating for explanations, but if she is using them as weapon, then it's not working. Then go back one more step - how did the mail get into her hands? If getting the mail is one of her privileges then you can point out that she isn't handling it well by not handing it to you when you ask and remove it until she can manage better.

You might do better to handle each situation as it comes rather than as an overall issue.

kiloyd · 05-04-2016, 07:39 PM

Reading along for tips. I like what CelticJourney said.

ModestMama · 05-04-2016, 08:30 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CelticJourney

I would walk it back to the start. You made a request, she refused. Now I'm not into first time obedience or any of that nonsense, but it seems she feeds off of what comes next...the explanation. Normally I'd be advocating for explanations, but if she is using them as weapon, then it's not working. Then go back one more step - how did the mail get into her hands? If getting the mail is one of her privileges then you can point out that she isn't handling it well by not handing it to you when you ask and remove it until she can manage better.

You might do better to handle each situation as it comes rather than as an overall issue.

Aaahh. Very good advice! I will remember this! I'm hoping the further I get into the Positive Discipline book the more natural things will come to me.

05-04-2016, 03:19 PM	#1
ModestMama Rosebud Join Date: Jul 2015 Posts: 67	How to deal with this? I don't even know what to call it.... (BTW Just got my Positive Disclipline Workbook in the mail today...so excited!) My 8 yo daughter has a really awfulthing ahe does when she gets mad.. of causing others to believe a certain thing/way all the while not disclosing what she REALLY means so that she can later accuse that person of being mean. For instance: Today we got a junk packet of College advertisments in the mail and I told her to hand it to me and she started tell me "Noo nooo I'm gonna give this to C**" (our oldest whos 22) and I insisted and told her "No. She doesnt need this its junk and she is already enrolled in College". Then insisted she give it to me and she gave me someof it and I asked for the rest (all the while she is furious with me) i rip it up and she start crying. My husband went in to talk to her (hes really good with the staying calm talks) she told him that she changed her mind when i told her that she could not give it to C and she then wanted to keep it for herself so she could play with it. He asked her if she told me she wanted to keep it for herself and she said "No, but thats the reason I wanted it!" And he told her that he feels like If i would of let her keep it, she would of given it to C** as soon as she got home..(and i agree, she has done that before.) She has done things like this on many occasions ...she "pretends" to acts a certain way to upset me, then when she is confronted with it, plays it off as if her intentions were innocent and not the way I assumed. And I am the one at fault.

05-04-2016, 04:48 PM	#2
3PeasInAPod Deactivated Join Date: Nov 2006 Location: pnw Posts: 8,571	Re: How to deal with this? Does it matter if she wanted it or if she gives it to C? Because all that would've mattered to me is that you asked her to hand it to you and she refused and started a power struggle with you which you seemed to entertain (when you tried to reason with her why C doesn't need it).

05-04-2016, 04:59 PM	#3
CelticJourney Administrator Join Date: Mar 2005 Posts: 34,561	Re: How to deal with this? I would walk it back to the start. You made a request, she refused. Now I'm not into first time obedience or any of that nonsense, but it seems she feeds off of what comes next...the explanation. Normally I'd be advocating for explanations, but if she is using them as weapon, then it's not working. Then go back one more step - how did the mail get into her hands? If getting the mail is one of her privileges then you can point out that she isn't handling it well by not handing it to you when you ask and remove it until she can manage better. You might do better to handle each situation as it comes rather than as an overall issue. __________________ Elizabeth "Truth without love is divisive and hurtful & love without truth is anemic"--Pastor Estep Arise, cry out in the night...pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord; Lift up your hands to him for the lives of your children..; Lamentations 2:19

05-04-2016, 07:39 PM	#4
kiloyd Rose Garden Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: South Carolina Posts: 16,108	Re: How to deal with this? Reading along for tips. I like what CelticJourney said. __________________ k-i-loyd, not kill loyd ISFJ/P Katherine, married 8-9-97 ds1 22 (adding a dil in August!) dd1 18 dd2 16 ds2 10

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