Passing down toys

[temsmama]

So our oldest (5yo) was given almost all of her toys and we haven't had to buy much of anything. She is very aware of what is hers and what belongs to her sister and what was given to both of them. We imagined passing down toys that she's outgrown. She usually shares well, but when she doesn't feel like sharing...almost all the toys belong to her so her little sister (2.5 yo) doesn't have much to play with.

We don't have the space or money to buy our younger daughter (2.5yo) all her own toys. And we want to respect our older daughter's ownership and not force her to share. It seems silly, however, for her to hold onto toys that she can't really use (ie. 2T dress up clothes).

My husband suggested that every time our kids got new toys they had to choose some to pass down to younger siblings, but that doesn't seem respectful to me.

Do I simply talk with her and say certain toys she's outgrown and now she has to give them to the "share pile" of toys that belong to everyone? I've explained this dilemma to her and tried to make her part of the problem solving but she has no interest in entertaining the idea of giving up toys in any way.

Any suggestions?

[Pragmatist]

I would let her pick a few toys that are special to her that she doesn't have to share. Everything else needs to be shared.

[MariJo7]

Perhaps you could work out some kind of a deal or bargain. If she has got those toys for her birthhday or for Chritmas they are "legally" her, but perhaps you could "buy" them from her or change them for someting she needs or wants to have.

Or perhaps you could persuade her to let the little sister play with the toys while she can still have the "legal" ownership.

[Aerynne]

We have our older kids pick out things of theirs to give to their siblings for Christmas or for their birthdays.

[twoplustwo]

In our home, when they get a new toy - for the first 24 hours it is theirs & just theirs - no sharing needed. And that is mostly to cut down on the "I want a turn" " But I just got it, I'm not done" arguments than a "mine" argument.

Then it can either go in their room and doesn't have to be shared or in the toy room where it is shared.

It doesn't matter who "owns" the toy - I would counter I own the house and it's *in* my house but that really isn't an issue; maybe because my kids are so close in age - it was easy for everything to just be "toys" from the get go. eta: I don't know that I would actually counter with that on second thought, because I would try to avoid
possession language. Maybe my counter would be more, we pay for the home, but we all use the home rather than an I own the home. With further thought, if it were to come up, but it really doesn't. Just thinking aloud.

I definitely would get away from language "passing down" language. I would just say in this area toys are shared. This the area where you can keep your special toys.

[Kiara.I]

We have very, very few toys that are "owned" by individual children. I do NOT respect the "ownership" of the child, because I expected it to set up exactly the kinds of conflict that you are experiencing.

Certain stuffies are theirs alone. Now that they're older and are buying their own Lego, that stays theirs to a certain extent (but once they take it apart and scatter the pieces, all bets are off.)

I would really, at this point, have a frank conversation. "Trying to keep control of toys you do not want, cannot use, and do not care about is not appropriate. Those toys are now household toys and do not 'belong' to you any more. You can take turns with them if you wish, but otherwise your sister is free to play with them. You may not try to control her play." In other words, I would *absolutely* force her to share things that are more appropriately used by her sister, that she only cares about when sister wants them.

[lizzyd]

We're pretty communist about toys. There are definitely a few toys that belong to each person - especially to my oldest who has complex Lego things. But otherwise everyone is free to play with anything. Sometimes I'll let someone have alone time with a certain toy for awhile, if a younger sibling is threatening to mess it up.... but in general everything is open game. It works really well. My kids have lots to play with and don't argue too terribly much over it.

[Mother of Sons]

Most toys in our house became shared very quickly. If someone had something special that they weren't willing to share, they had to keep it in their room. Since she didn't earn those toys, I don't see the same ownership. I would feel differently if she earned and spent her own money. I would explain that she was given the toys to play with while they were useful to her. Now that they aren't, the right thing to do is give them to someone who can use them and enjoy them or at the very least share them. I would not encourage "ownership" language in regards to possessions at all.

[ValiantJoy07]

There are only a handful of toys that belong to each child.

They each have their own Bitty Baby doll, but all the outfits and baby accessories are communal.

My oldest got a big American Girl Doll when she turned 7 and all of that so here and kept together and the younger girls are not allowed to touch it. When they turn 7 they will get a doll and accessories for that doll and gifts for that doll and it will be theirs.

They each have a couple of stuffed animals that are all their own.

Everything else in the house is family owned. Dd3 has a Little People Sesame Street toy and figurines that she has loved and enjoyed, but she is out growing it and ds *loves* it. It hasn't been an issue, if dd3 wants to play with it, she can any time- and she does enjoy it with her brother. If she had a particular figurine that was special to her it would be fine for her to keep it by her bed with her special things (we have enough without it). But generally she just rolls with it, toys are for everyone and it is fun to see how much the baby likes the things she used to like and she is proud to be getting bigger and to know how to teach him stuff.

I've validated feelings "some times it can be sad to be getting too big for some things...look at all the things you can do now that you couldn't then...and now we can do bla bla bla together because you're bigger. It's ok to be sad, but those things are for everyone, especially smaller kids like baby Isaac."

We have very few toys that belong to individual children, the ones that are are treasured and special and treated with the up most care.

[ReedleBeetle]

Not having siblings to be forced to share actually hinders my son. He was growing in this area when we used to have B all the time. He is getting better, but sharing is extraordinarily difficult for him.

ETA: I would enforce sharing and when we had B all the time, He was only allowed to put his most precious possessions away and everything else was to share.

[CelticJourney]

When my girls were little, I protected anything that dd1 had that dd2 could easily break or mess up. But if it were a two year old toy then everyone could play.

Speaking as a second child, I'm kinda sad if younger siblings aren't actually being given something new for their own as gifts and only hand-me-downs....seems a good way to feed rivalry and bitterness among kids...but I think I might be reading that wrong.

[temsmama]

Lots of awesome feedback - thank you!

My younger daughter does get new toys for birthdays, xmas, etc. My oldest, being the first niece and granddaughter on both sides was lavished with toys before her sister was born.

I learned about not forcing sharing via positive discipline articles like the one below.(http://www.ahaparenting.com/parentin...gence/toddlers)

Here's a quote:
"Don't force toddlers to share; It actually delays the development of sharing skills! Kids need to feel secure in their ownership before they can share. Instead, introduce the concept of taking turns."

I realize this could mean not forcing kids to share if they had a particular toy first and maybe wasn't meant to be applied with who ultimately OWNS the toy.

If we adopted a more communal toy approach, I'm wondering if I would be trading one parenting challenge for another though. Instead of the issue being who "owns" the toy, the argument would be about who "had it first."

Ultimately I want to foster generosity and I think moving toward a general shared toy environment could be a better way to do that. It would be great to have my oldest involved in the process so it doesn't seem completely unjust to her.

Perhaps following MariJo7’s idea to “buy” her toys and make them communal would be a starting point and then explain how we’re going to treat new toys differently from now on?

[Kiara.I]

I think one major point is that your 5 year old is not a toddler. She doesn't need to have toddler strategies applied to her.

Your toddler, however, is going to have trouble with that toddler approach because she doesn't own anything, big sister has it all.

I know you're worried about your oldest finding it unjust but right now it's already unjust.

Yes, who had it first comes up sometimes. That's okay. They need to learn to work through it.



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---------- Post added at 05:02 PM ---------- Previous post was at 05:00 PM ----------

Oh, and I wouldn't buy her toys from her to give to sister. That doesn't encourage generosity either--and it gives big sister more power. She gets the toy. Then she gets the value of the toy back from you and can get more toys!

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[Beth1231]

My boys are the ages of your girls and they share most things. Lego and Playmobile are protected and they have their own bike and stuffie. Everything else is shared.
My eight year old can keep her things in her room,but if they come out,I will only protect the stuff that my 2 yr old can break or easily lose (Lego and Playmobile again). She has put up resistance this year,but I've made it clear that "if it can't be broken or easily lost,it's shared." Its not easy for her. I started with making the preschool stuff communal and slowly increased it from there.
There is still way too much fighting and it drives me mad

[ValiantJoy07]

If the discussion is "who had it first?" It is an opportunity to practice taking turns "you can take a turn and then I get it back" (Daniel Tiger song).

I don't force my kids to share, if they are actively playing with something and a sibling comes in and tries to take the toy or change the way they play I approach it differently depending on the age. Older sibling trying to take or change the way younger sibling is playing I take them aside and if they are preschool age I distract, if they are older I redirect ("your sister doesn't like that it isn't kind to bla bla, how about we do this instead?") Honestly past age 5 or 6 it isn't an issue here.

I don't make kids actively playing with something share. If there is an argument about how a toy in play is being used, I tell them that they need to "find a way to play together" (another Daniel Tiger song I get a lot of my social skill teachings there ) or we need to do some thing else. if the game they are playing is important some one comes up with a solution. If they dont agree they let their feelings of annoyance and frustration be known and they go find some thing else to do. Happy isn't the only emotion and often a few minutes later they have cooled off, regrouped and found a new way to play.

My kids have 2 or 3 special toys that they have 100% power and ownership over, everything else is communal. Conflict over toys and how they play are learning opportunities. It's what makes having multiple kids so wonderful: tons of learning and practice opportunities.

You can make toys that are outgrown "everybody toys" without doing harm. I think maybe you are assigning an adult concept where it is developmentally inappropriate. I'm all for ownership of *special* lovies and toys but things that are outgrown can be handed down, like you would (I assume) clothing. And that can be explained to the child.