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Old 11-06-2011, 08:17 PM   #61
Mum2Es
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

oh yeah, I need this.

Quote:
Originally Posted by GraceFirst View Post
My patience is the shortest (and thus yelling ensues) when I am engrossed in something that is important to ME, something I want to do for ME, and the kids start fighting or need something (that they can easily do themselves and don't need me for) and I can't get MY stuff done. I am trying to do too much. It helps me to just know that between the hours of approx 7am to 8/9pm I should not try and pour myself into anything else that requires all my attention. Then I am not setting myself up for frustration.

On one hand I feel like I'm never going to be able to do anything for myself, but on the other hand I know that right now during this phase of life I am pouring myself into my little ones and will have time later on down the road for personal time. Just the way it is right now. And they are worth it.
Thank you. I might really want 10 minutes with a cup of tea and FB/GCM, but it's not the end of the world if I don't get it. Some days I get lucky, and that's awesome, but other days Chicken or Princess need my attention in the middle of my quiet morning interlude, and the best way for me to handle that is to acqueisce to their needs and try again later to get my quiet time. If I persist with "No, I'm having my cup of tea and computer time" it nearly always ends in me yelling.

Quote:
Originally Posted by ThreeKids View Post
I'm yelling too much lately. There keeps being more to do with more kids so when the olders want me to do stuff for them they can do for themselves or make it harder for me to help them, I'm just fed up. Dd1 just expected me to go into the kitchen to help her put on her underwear, after she asked me to find them for her and disappeared before I could give them to her.

I really need to just consistently stand up for myself in not doing more than I should be doing. The yelling doesn't help, but it just keeps building up and finding its way out of me.

In my perfect world, my kids would carefully contemplate themselves whether they want me to do something or need me to do something before asking me to sort it out for them because they know I'm already so overwhelmed trying to balance everyone's needs and they just wouldn't want me to have to put their requests through my poorly functioning priorities sorter, and certainly not repeatedly after I said "no" and weighed down with whining.
I think I need to patiently take the time to teach the kids how to meet their own needs - make a sandwich, pour a drink, wipe their own bottoms, whatever it is - and then gradually it will become less difficult for me to have an uninterrupted moment. Me getting irritated, snappy and yelling when they can't meet their own needs is just unfair if I haven't taught them how to do whatever it is for themselves.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Soaring Eagle View Post
I'll join in this group. Kids hate it when I yell - I do too. I never knew I had this problem until I had kids.
Nor did I. Kids really push those buttons, don't they?

Quote:
Originally Posted by charla View Post
Somehow yelling vents all of that pent up emotion in a most satisfying way in the heat of the moment. And then we regret it deeply. So it sounds like we need a way to express our big feelings in a more healthy way than yelling. Hmmm. Ideas?
This. Stifling the yelling, walking away, putting myself in time out, whatever - I feel good that I haven't yelled at the kids, but I feel SO FRUSTRATED!!! Anyone got any ideas on this one?

Thank you for starting this thread!
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Old 11-06-2011, 08:25 PM   #62
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

Am excellent book that is probably at your library is Liberated Parents Liberated Children, Your Guide to a Happier Family by Mazlish and Faber. All their books are excellent.
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Old 11-06-2011, 09:02 PM   #63
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by swimming with sharks View Post
I keep seeing this 'control' word. WE ALL KNOW the only person you can control is yourself. We are NOT in control of your child. If you're trying to be in control of them you're just exercising your frustration muscle. You can't scream them to sleep, scream them to eat the food they should eat, scream them to do their chores better, scream them to develop into adults faster than they are going.

Here's another thing I've found that works. I've seen dd yell at ds1 while trying to teach him something. I always tell her you can't teach him by screaming at him. So before you scream again, think of the last time someone screamed at you. Think how bad you felt about yourself think how you felt about them ....think about the mistake you were making. Can you even remember the mistake? Does how badly you felt about you and them cloud the whole issue of what was happening? For me it does....when I really focus on how I felt (and I was an adult so I could process with lots of experience) The next time you start to scream, take that extra two seconds think about how you felt.... Screaming at them is not going to make them stop being immature or teach them faster.
What helps me with the control thing is realizing I'm not in control. Because I'm not. God is ultimately the one in control... even of myself. But I have to offer myself to Him and be willing to let His love in me work.

Honestly, GCM was the first place that the concept of a child not being controlled was a "good thing"- I've *always* understood it to be a parent's job to do just that

---------- Post added at 11:02 PM ---------- Previous post was at 10:46 PM ----------

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cook View Post
I yell when I feel like I cannot control outcomes.
I yell when I feel like I'm not being taken seriously.
I yell when my kids are not hearing me.
I yell when I've lost my temper (which I do struggle with but is worse relating to sleep and meal patterns)
I yell when I am in pain.
I yell when I'm frustrated about something else.
I yell when I'm overwhelmed.
I yell when I'm spiritually hurting or distant from God.
I feel it pertient to add a translation to this. Yes, these are the "triggers" but all triggers come from some deeper root imo.

I yell when I feel afraid of the outcomes
I yell when I feel insignifigant
I yell when I feel like I'm not being heard
I yell when I am not consciously working on my anger- or when I've allowed myself to exaggerate.
I yell when I'm hurting
I yell when I have other things on my mind that I haven't given to God
I yell when I haven't triaged the situations at hand
I yell when I am not trusting God or am running from Him.


I do better at *not yelling* when:
I have planned ahead
I have realistic expecations of our children
I keep in mind "What are these kids LEARNING?"
I put things down that don't actually need my attention
I take enough time for myself to be able to identify my needs
I take time to put my exaggerated thoughts into perspective (Learned this in anger class- If you say "Geeze this kid poops every where, then visualize if the child actually did poop EVERYWHERE. Bring it back down to reality)
I give myself credit for what I've accomplished or not
I give myself validity for stresses rather than try to shove them down
I pray and stay connected and right with God and His Word
I allow HIM to determine outcomes and have faith that He will give me the wisdom to roll with what ever He takes us through.
I spend one on one designated time each day with the kiddos (staggered bed times or during one's nap etc)
I am able to make myself stop and think as I head that bad direction
I say "I'm upset and don't want to say something I'll regret so I'm going to cool off" (Thank you peridot! Her blog was the first time I realized how to be human in front of my kids while still providing a good example)
I used to have our oldest sit in a certain spot and sing because it made him happy. So that was our "rule" that if we got upset, we'd sit and sing. I remember one moment when ALL of use (myself included) were sitting on the mat singing the ABCs... I'll never forget that moment of us all helping each other feel better. And I thinking of our job to serve each other as a family in that way really helps me put things in perspective when I'm being unrealistic)
Ehh I have more but will be back with those later
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Old 11-06-2011, 09:20 PM   #64
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

Thank you for this. I'm not a "yeller" per se, but the tone and the facial expressions and the ick are all there... the only thing missing is the actual volume, and I'm not deluded enough to believe that being unkind to my children or husband in a lower voice means I don't need this thread. <wry smile>

Let's help each other.
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Old 11-06-2011, 09:35 PM   #65
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

Just seeing this. i'll add more when I don't have a toddler on my lap.
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Old 11-07-2011, 06:51 AM   #66
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

This morning Lydia kept taking charlottes shoes while Charlotte was trying to put them on. I said "I need you to stop doing that. It upsets her" and Lydia replied "but listen, it's really funny when she screams " and did it again. I began to raise my voice and shout "you may NOT do things just to make her scream" and I saw Lydia tune out and roll her eyes. I took a deep breath and said "I'm sorry I was harsh with you. I'm going to stop now. It's not ok to make sister feel upset just because you think it's funny. Wouldn't it make you sad if I kept taking your toys and laughing when you got upset? Just because you are bigger doesn't mean you should treat her unkindly."

As soon as I took that deep breath and apologized, she started listening again. Without being told she made amends.
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Old 11-07-2011, 07:05 AM   #67
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

I generally only yell when I feel I am not heard/listened to otherwise. My biggest trigger right now is the bookshelf. I have 2 small shelves of books, and one whole level has kid books. For months now, DS has been pulling my books off the shelf and trying to throw them all over the living room. He has already destroyed (as in ripped up, ripped the cover off, etc.) 3 books that he got to before I could get to him or knew he was doing it. For months I have been gently, physically redirecting and giving positive instruction "Those are mommy's books, leave them on the shelf. You may have your books, see they are down here." or "Come over here and play with this other toy" etc. I have been doing this over. and over. and over. and over, several times a day every day for months. If I am sitting or engaged in something and can't get to him in seconds to physically move him, I give calm verbal instruction first, hoping he will listen to that and if not, I do get up and go to him. But if I do that, he moves even faster to try to do what he wants before I get to him. That and having done this for the seven bazillionth time...I am just done. I yell because I see no progress and I feel he is not listening to me at all, and in fact rushes to do exactly what I don't want him to do because he knows I am coming. I just want him to STOP WHEN I SAY STOP. Before I yell. This applies to some other situations too but this is the big one right now.

I am beyond frustrated because there is nowhere else I can put my books right now. I have no way to put them up out of his reach. I would really love to install some shelves that are high up on the wall and he can't get to. But it's just not in the budget right now.
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Old 11-07-2011, 07:06 AM   #68
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

What does it for me is when they keep doing the same thing over and over and over and over. Like Caden trying to make Jon cry on purpose, like in the above scenario. I get his attention and tell him to stop. And he continues to do it until I start screaming at him and make him stop.


Or the same with noise. Caden makes the most obnoxious train whistle sound and it drives me bananas.

Or just now, I was correcting Jon for throwing his sippy cup and Caden started laughing that I was yelling at him and Jon started laughing. ANd I just lost it.

I *hate* myself for yelling but I cannot stand out right disrespect and disobedience. They push and push and push my buttons until I lose it and I don't know how to stop it or change it. Short of applying arbitrary consequences.

I think I have some of the worst behaved kids and I do not enjoy them as a result.
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Old 11-07-2011, 07:23 AM   #69
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Psyche View Post
What does it for me is when they keep doing the same thing over and over and over and over. Like Caden trying to make Jon cry on purpose, like in the above scenario. I get his attention and tell him to stop. And he continues to do it until I start screaming at him and make him stop.


Or the same with noise. Caden makes the most obnoxious train whistle sound and it drives me bananas.

Or just now, I was correcting Jon for throwing his sippy cup and Caden started laughing that I was yelling at him and Jon started laughing. ANd I just lost it.

I *hate* myself for yelling but I cannot stand out right disrespect and disobedience. They push and push and push my buttons until I lose it and I don't know how to stop it or change it. Short of applying arbitrary consequences.

I think I have some of the worst behaved kids and I do not enjoy them as a result.


I struggle with the ideas of disrespect and disobedience. It takes a huge shift in how we view these behaviors to correct our reaction. The less I think of things as defiance or disrespect or disobedience the easier it is to keep my cool. Crystal's post on defiance really helped me.

I also struggle with one child doing something to hurt the other. I rarely if ever yelled until I had two kids. There's so much more that can be frustrating to us when they have a sibling.
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Old 11-07-2011, 07:53 AM   #70
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by Tandem mama View Post
"I need you to stop doing that. It upsets her"
Try changing your script to "you need to..." There's a HUGE difference in what you need them to do and what they need to do.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Psyche View Post
Like Caden trying to make Jon cry on purpose, like in the above scenario. I get his attention and tell him to stop. And he continues to do it until I start screaming at him and make him stop.
Can you get to Caden and move him away from Jon rather than using words. It sounds like your words aren't making an impact. Just intervening physically into the problem may help him understand the words that you're using.

---------- Post added at 09:53 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:50 AM ----------

Quote:
Originally Posted by MamaMiriam View Post
DS has been pulling my books off the shelf and trying to throw them all over the living room.
He thinks it's a game now. Can you take those books and put them in a closet/under a bed/AWAY for a while? It's not ideal but take the stack and just get it out of there. If they're books you're using do you have a row of books that don't get used EVERYDAY? Switch it out and put those books in the closet. Sometimes the littles get so focused on something, it's their go to *thing* when they want some momma attn. It doesn't matter that it's negative attn, it's just momma attn.
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Old 11-07-2011, 08:11 AM   #71
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by swimming with sharks View Post
Try changing your script to "you need to..." There's a HUGE difference in what you need them to do and what they need to do.


Can you get to Caden and move him away from Jon rather than using words. It sounds like your words aren't making an impact. Just intervening physically into the problem may help him understand the words that you're using.

---------- Post added at 09:53 AM ---------- Previous post was at 09:50 AM ----------



He thinks it's a game now. Can you take those books and put them in a closet/under a bed/AWAY for a while? It's not ideal but take the stack and just get it out of there. If they're books you're using do you have a row of books that don't get used EVERYDAY? Switch it out and put those books in the closet. Sometimes the littles get so focused on something, it's their go to *thing* when they want some momma attn. It doesn't matter that it's negative attn, it's just momma attn.

All good advice! Thank you
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Old 11-07-2011, 08:50 AM   #72
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

Yeah, i have bookshelves ALL over my house... but the bottom two shelves have to be empty. If they are not, then whatever is on those shelves will get destroyed
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Old 11-07-2011, 08:55 AM   #73
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

It is REALLY hard for me to think about putting my books away. Most of them don't get used regularly. I don't get to sit down and really spend time reading these days, but I am a reader, it's one of the things I LOVE to do. As I was thinking about why I really don't want to put them away/out of sight (I've actually thought about it a few times before this...) I realize they are one of very few things that make me feel like ME, like a real intelligent individual person instead of just Mommy. Being able to at least see them every day, especially when I am stuck at home with no car and no money to go do other things like take yoga or dance or whatever that is for ME, reminds me that there is still substance in between my ears. It is really honestly heartbreaking to think about putting that away. But I will probably have to, I don't see any other solution that we can afford at the moment.
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Old 11-07-2011, 09:16 AM   #74
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

I'm here too and I just want to say that even recognizing it as a problem gives us all a leg up in our parenting.

Adrienne, I think that you make a great point. It's not about the volume, it's about the attitude in the delivery. Our house, in general, is loud...and includes some yelling. But I don't think that yelling is always the problem. Its the attitude that includes anger and an unkind tone or shaming. And I need to be aware of that whether I am delivering it loudly or softly.

My issue is always time management. I am way to busy and way to stressed, and that comes out i through yelling way to often. I try to remember that its not my kids fault that we are in a situation that requires my working more than 40 hours a week and going to school at the same time. It doesn't help that sometimes my fight against the busy is procrastination, which just increases my stress.

I have reached a breaking point with it and have made concrete plans to free up more of my time so that I can spend more quality time with my kids. I hope that this will make a difference.
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Old 11-07-2011, 09:48 AM   #75
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Default Re: Yelling Support Thread

Quote:
Originally Posted by AdrienneQW View Post
the only thing missing is the actual volume, and I'm not deluded enough to believe that being unkind to my children or husband in a lower voice means I don't need this thread. <wry smile>
I saw a pin on Pinterest that said something like, "Don't yell at your kids - talk very quiet, it's much scarier." I thought it was funny at the time, but I guess it's really not.
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