Yelling Support Thread

[canadiyank]

I was just wondering if there was some jealousy there if they both were nursing. Hmm.

[Tandem mama]

Thankful that God is bigger than my anger. I was so mad when sunshine got yarn all over, cotton balls everywhere, laundry, flash cards, toys. All because I fell asleep putting cuppycake down for a nap. I imagined the anger leaving me and His peace filling me with every breath.

I said "I'm angry. Go lay down. I don't want to yell at you" and she went to lay down and fell asleep

You CAN choose to stop....right in the MIDDLE of an UGLY, STUPID, RANT at that little kid who has stepping into who knows what. Just stop....and PRAY OUT LOUD

I've recently started doing this-- within the past week? And this has really, really helped me. I literally stop what I'm doing, starting praying out loud (it's not the "best" prayer in the world let me tell you) and it calms me down and we move on. I'm still learning but this has been a blessing for ME.

Never mind. I just lost it on my five year old. Lost. It.

I was taking out my frustration on her when it fact my husband and I have been having problems lately. This isn't her fault and I know I shouldn't displace this sort of thing, but it happened anyway.

And I'm 36 weeks pregnant and a mess anyway.

Just an overall bad night.

[ThreeKids]

I've been there. The yelling that's not about getting the kid to understand how they're affecting you, but getting the dh to.

[Akina]

I nearly lost it before bedtime with DS, but I noticed how NO strategy would get him calm (he was overtired) instead of reprimanding or yelling I started a tickle hug. It's a thing we do. Tickle hugs, kangaroo hugs (you hug and jump) and I made up some other new ones that are plain silly. It snapped him out of it in no time. I could tell how he tried to stay serious but just couldn't because I said really, really silly things. It helped a lot. Everybody laughed (DD laughs along whenever we do, she can sense the energy).

[Rea T]

I need to be here. I try, I really do, but DS2 pushes my buttons so effectively that some days I fail miserably.

I was doing SUPER good today. He came home after having been sent to the office for his 3rd minor offense this quarter and he was so upset and I was so calm and grace filled because it really wasn't a big deal.

And then it came time to do homework. This is pretty much the first homework he's had all year and all he has to do is cut apart his words and sort them according to vowel sounds. I have told him repeatedly that I would help him sort them, right now I just want him to cut. And he is flipping out and refusing to do it and wailing that he hates homework and he never has time to do anything (umm, hellooo, FIRST time he has ever had homework to do) and being completely irrational and I know he is only 7 but some days I just want a little glimmer of reason to peek through. So after 10 minutes of him crying that he hates homework and he's NOT going to do it I yelled "I. DON'T. CARE!!!" Half an hour more of sobbing and me coaxing and finally I put him down for a nap because it is the only way he is going to break out of that cycle of frustration.

Oh, but I feel like Jekyll and Hyde because I've been flashing back and forth between being so soft-spoken and starting to lose my temper it has just exhausted me.

[canadiyank]

((Rea)) It's amazing how we can be doing so well and then BAM it all flies out the window. I think that's the thing I hate the most.

[Daria_Aleksandrovna]

Originally Posted by Rea T

Oh, but I feel like Jekyll and Hyde because I've been flashing back and forth between being so soft-spoken and starting to lose my temper it has just exhausted me.

So familiar

Still working on Dr Jekyll bit being more present...))

[shaslove]

I hate homework. It makes the yells come out

I'm crying reading this thread. I yell at my kids & I hate, hate, hate it. My mum was/is a yeller & emotionally manipulative & I soooo wanted my kids not to live with that horror. The most unhelpful thing for me is knowing scores & scores of Christian women who present themselves as if THEY would never yell & that if you yell then you have serious lack of control, spiritual problems & are not disciplining your children properly & are letting them walk all over you. It's doubling gutwrenching for me to have to endure their disgust on top of my own. It's so relieving to hear other Christian women struggling with this.

I read a non-Christian book call Dance of Anger that really helped me to learn what triggers my anger off & what the warning signs are before I get to the angry stage.

But I think the main reason I scream lately is when the children won't do what I say. My husband is juggling study & three jobs (only 8 weeks till study finishes!) & I'm not coping with it all at the moment. I feel like I never have time to get the basics done. I feel like I've lost control of everything lately. keeping the house, in semi order & preparing decent food is really, really hard. The kids aren't getting the love or discipline that they need consistently so every day I am having to repeat instructions over & over, call their names over & over when they ignore me, yell at them when they won't stay in bed. I just don't have the space to recharge my own batteries so I can lovingly sit down & teach them.
I used to really benefit from going over at night in bed, the last few weeks or months & seeing progress in the kids long term. It encouraged me to keep gently guiding them & made me think of areas they need work & also narrow things down so I focused on one or two areas only that each child needed work on. I just don't remember to do things like that anymore. Even a couple of months ago I'd get to bed & think of all the things i hadn't done like laugh with the kids, or play the game they've been begging me too . But I don;t even remember to do that at the moment. It makes it so hard to stop yelling when I keep forgetting the tools that helped me stay ahead.

Hang in there mama-- sounds like you're going through a lot right now. Just take it a day at at a time.

[marigold]

RainbowMummy, I just couldn't go past your post without offering you a little. It sounds like you are going through a tough season. I pray that you are encouraged today.

Thank you for your prayers. I really appreciate them.

Someone mentioned somewhere in this thread about if we can stop yelling to answer the phone or door then we can control yelling more than we realise. I was talking to my husband about this this morning & I think there is more to it than that. It's definitely good to think of it that way & give ourselves a wake up call.
But if we are yelling because we are feeling trapped/overwhelmed/exhausted/at a loss what to do etc...then someone else coming into the situation whether on phone/in person/text message etc can help diffuse the situation. It's not necessarily about us just suddenly, magically finding a way to control ourselves. It could be the outside contact reminds us that there is life outside of the immense pressure we are feeling right now, it could be the interruption reminds us that it's ok for us to step away from the situation & think about the best way to work with it, maybe hearing from others especially ones who love us gives us the energy we need to do our work, or maybe just the shift of brain concentration from one situation to another helped. Maybe God sent the distraction that we weren't actually able to give ourselves. Maybe we shouldn't just learn from it that we are capable of controlling ourselves more than we think. Maybe we should actually be learning that we can't control everything ourselves & should perhaps work on finding ways of distracting ourselves for the times when God doesn't send someone along. Maybe we can pretend the phone has rung & physically walk over to it to pull our brain away from yelling mode, maybe we can call or text someone or go & get a glass of water & then come back to our kids/husband. Maybe we should embrace the idea of a distraction helping rather than thinking 'well, if I can answer the phone without yelling I should jolly well be able to control myself right here & now too'.

[canadiyank]

Good points!

I think what the author was saying (I was referring to something that stuck with me from "Good and Angry," but I may not be getting it right since it was a couple yrs. ago) was not necessarily only that we can control ourselves in those distracting situations (which is a big part of it, sure!) but there is a split second where we make the choice. I know that I make the *choice* to yell more often than I'd like, and being aware of that moment can make all the difference. Sure, the phone call can be something buzzing into our preoccupation (and I like your ideas of distracting ourselves, excellent point); however, the idea the author was trying to use from that scenario was one of choice, not in a beat yourself up b/c I'm not controlling myself kind of manner, but in an awareness of what is happening manner, if that makes sense.