When adults tell kids things in private

After church today, I was making my DS his lunch. He came to me and said, "Mom? Cuz and Grandpa told me this morning that when I answer you, I should call you 'ma'am'. They said it will make me respectful and classy. I don't want to say 'yes, ma'am and no, ma'am' though". This is one I really didn't know how to handle. I told him, "well, Sweetie, I don't mind if strangers call me 'ma'am', but I really don't mind if no one in my family calls me that, including you". He seemed satisfied with that answer. I just didn't want him going back and telling my dad, "Mom says I don't have to call her 'ma'am' like you said I did!"

I understand my dad and cousin were raised in very strict, "yes, sir. No, ma'am" or you get the belt sort of homes. Very staunch, polite, Southern, oldschool sort of child rearing. But my mother never, ever made us say "sir" or "ma'am" to her and my dad. That's something that always surprised my friends and appalled their parents. Subsequently, I never raised my son to call me "ma'am" or DH "sir".

Should I not say anything unless it comes up again? DS knows that is not my expectation of him, and it wasn't like they were scolding him, but it stinks when people try and "train" your kid when you're not around. It just seems, I don't know...sneaky - especially when they're trying to teach your child to do something you don't expect of them.

[Marzipan]

Honestly, if he wen't back and told your parents that, I'd not worry about it. They're not his parents and they don't get to dictate the terms of his relationship with you.

[ShiriChayim]

Oh I would totally be all mamabear about that one and tell them to lay of MY child!!! I would also be very clear to my kids that *I* am their ultimate authority (and their father) and they don't have to do what others tell them to do unless I have established them as a temporary authority. I also wouldn't let my child be around the offending party alone again unless and until I knew for sure they were over this ridiculous notion that they get to have any say in how the kids address me or anything else that comes into their heads(for heavens sake!!!!).

Grandparents and cousins and extended family are for having fun and giving snugs and cuddles and love and spoiling around here. NOT for extra parenting . That was incredibly boundariless and just plain rude of them to do. You'd think the "manners experts" would know its not polite to try to parent other people's children behind their back.

All good points. I was angry when he told me, but I wasn't sure if my feelings of anger were valid. Like I said, it just seems sneaky. Like when my mother decided to let my younger brother decide when he was ready to use the potty on his own. She left him with my grandmother one day to do some grocery shopping when he was about three and a half. She came home to my poor brother sitting on the toilet in tears and my grandmother standing over him saying, "he passed gas, so I know he needs to go!" Apparently, she'd been trying to force potty train him in the forty-five minutes or so my parents were at the store. My mother was absolutely livid.

Now, if I'm not in the room and my son (who, at nine, would hopefully know better) tried to stick a knife in an electrical outlet, I would expect someone in the room to speak up for his safety and protection. But these extra little, "you really should do X, Y, Z" when I haven't expected X, Y or Z from him, really irritate me. My problem is that I'm bad about being passive. I'm fiercely protective when I witness it firsthand, but when the moment has passed, I don't want a confrontation.

[hey mommy]

I'll come back to this in a little while. My IL's do that to my kids and it irritates me.

[Joanne]

I live in Texas where ma'am and sir are expected on many levels and involved in many social interactions.

If a pattern of undermining you/going behind your back is not present in the g'parents, I would not be upset.

If it's part of a pattern, the issue isn't yes, ma'am, no ma'am, it is something else.

[Domina]

If it were my parents, I'd say "Sumo told me that you encouraged him to call me Ma'am. I know you were trying to help, but that really isn't my preference. Did you want him to call you Ma'am? I can let him know, if you do."

It's polite to address your elders the way they prefer. So if Grandma wants to be Ma'am, she can be. But she doesn't decide what I'm called.

Since my parents didn't raise us to call them "sir" and "ma'am", they don't expect DS to call them that either. For some reason my dad and cousin, I suppose, got the urge to try and tell my son it's important (at age 9, no less) to refer to me as "ma'am", despite knowing I didn't raise him with that expectation. He is very polite and always refers to his elders at church and in stores as "sir" and "ma'am", but I've never asked him to refer to me and DH that way. In fact, he went through a period of time where he said he liked my real name so much, he wanted to stop calling me "Mom" and call me "Jenn" instead. That one really floored some people, but it was a phase he grew out of rather quickly and didn't feel disrespectful at all.

[BlissfullyEsther]

I agree with Joanne that if it's a pattern it'd be dealt with differently than if it's a one-off.

Also, I think that your child is clearly aware enough to ask you to confirm what the others have told him (wouldn't it be wierd if he started saying it and you didn't know why!) so anything they say will be taken with a grain of salt by him until confirmed by you, I dare say. Brilliant!

I think sometimes grandparents don't realise they only damage their own relationship with the kids when they undermine the parents' wishes. Kids are cluey and they associate the "advice" or correction given with that one person, not aborbing it as a universal thing as they might from a parent. One of my kids' grandparents has said something silly/horrid to him and it now affects their relationship with him, but he didn't take the words to be a universal truth which is what I worried when I found out. He knows it only pertains to that grandparent.

But if it was a pattern I'd be addressing it directly.

[MaryPoppinsIAin't]

I would be... irked, but also confused, since this is something your parents didn't require from you, but suddenly want from your son?

I think I'd ask what was meant, and just ask that they come to you first with any similar concerns in the future.

Then, if it's a "nunya" thing, you can

[mwwr]

Originally Posted by Joanne

I live in Texas where ma'am and sir are expected on many levels and involved in many social interactions.

I never remember hearing that growing up in Texas, and it was never expected of me. Just answer respectfully, KWIM?

Now, I often say "Yes, ma'am" or "no, sir" to my kiddos, but it is our playful way of interacting, and not an expectation.

I'd be very irritated if my parents had tried to correct my parenting behind my back.