those "obedient" AP kids

[milkmommy]

I'm finding it a little sad I have these knee Jerk responses (thoughts)
Cecilia went to spend the night at a friends house so I decided to have a special "dinner" with Margaret plus I had to pick up some medication. I took her to get a happy meal form our Walmarts Mc Donalds.
I'd picked up my medicine from the Walmart Pharmacy and we were walking towards the Mc Donald's. Margaret was jsut holding my hand walking with me. I alsked her if she wanted nuggets or a hamburger. She said hamburger. I told her okay but if I got that she had to eat all of it (she tends to abandon the bread not any biggie health wise actually probably better but it kinda wasteful). She just said..
Yes Mommy. I will eat all my hamburger. I promise
I then reminded her she was to stay beside me in line and not run off.. Again her response...
Yes mommy I will listen. I promise to stay beside you..

At this point an older man and his wife were walking the same direction we were. The husband comments to Margaret how wonderful her words she uses are. and how were doing such a great job teaching "obedience".. That was it. His words were simpily that they were kind. Part of me couldn't help wondering what he assumed about how that "obedience" is enforced though.. Too bad I can't just take a compliment with out over assuming things..

[Aerynne]

Yeah, my kids are very "obedient", too. I have wondered what people think about how I get them to be that way, too, especially because my kids behave their best in public.

[Findabhair]

I had a similar issue with that a couple years ago. A mom I knew referred to herself as a gentle parent but imo was a permissive parent. We were gentle and she assumed we hit DD to get her to obey since she was so well behaved while meanwhile her daughter was all over the place, running, hanging off walls and screaming and such when we were around but she wouldn't ever really tell her to stop she'd just say in a super quiet, timid kind of voice with a smile "maybe you shouldn't do that okay?"

[rjy9343]

I what you mean. For the most part, Ivy is incredibly well behaved in public and does fairly well at home as well. People commenting on her behavior always make me uncomfortable because I worry they think we hit her.

[mommychem]

Our kids behave pretty well out of the house too (not too bad at home either). For thanksgiving, we visited my grandmother. My cousin and his wife were there with their 22 month old son. Our DC were sitting on the couch with is and my cousin muttered to his wife "I wish they would tell me how they get their kids to behave that way." We didn't say anything as he wasn't talking to us but I almost wanted to say "we don't hit them if that's what you're thinking." He said some not nice things to his son while we were there.

[Dtswife]

Why is it not a good thing to have obedient children and to define them as such?

[bentlaj11]

Originally Posted by Dtswife

Why is it not a good thing to have obedient children and to define them as such?

For me (even though it's hard to get out of the obedient mindset), I want them to obey from the standpoint of relationship... them knowing that I'm not trying to make them behave, but rather keep them safe, work together as a team, etc. I think that I'm obedient to a fault in that I have a hard time standing up for myself w/ authority, my parents, other adults. I don't know how much of that is personality vs. how I was raised, though.

My first is very well "behaved" especially in new situations/public. Both my oldest are low energy types, and not the "typical" bounce off the walls type that most people expect of boys. I just saw my BF over the holiday after not seeing her for 4 yrs. We each now have 3 kids. We met in a place my boys had never been after driving for 4 hours. They sat at the table until they were good and warmed up to the situation and my friend's kids. She asked what I did to get them to sit there so quietly. I had to assure her that it had nothing to do w/ me and how I parented as much as it had to do w/ their personalities! Her children were not rowdy/un-behaved by any means, they were just a little more restless (but they had been staying w/ relatives/traveling a lot).

[milkmommy]

Originally Posted by Dtswife

Why is it not a good thing to have obedient children and to define them as such?

It is good However in the areas I grew up (Texas) and are living (Arizona) too often "obedient" is assumed as that kid must be beaten into it. Its often not so much given as a praise on the child but as a nod to the parent for obviously showing them who is boss.
The couple who complemented my DD that day were just as sweet as could be and NOTHING in their voice or mannerism indicated anything but just a genuine kinda remark... I just found it sad that my gut response is too squirm and feel awkward and wonder if their wasn't more to the comment...

[ReadingMommy]

Maybe what is needed is a good script in response that indicates that you parent gently. That gentle parenting can result in "well-behaved" children may be an entirely new concept to people, so you'll be helping them to broaden their understanding.

(My brain is not functioning well enough right now to suggest what that script might be...just thinking it should be cheerful and subtle enough to not sound braggy/preachy! )

[MegMarch]

I so agree that in some areas "your kids are so well behaved/obedient" is code for "nice job on breaking your kids' wills through fear and pain."

We actually don't hear it much because DD doesn't talk to other people and they get butthurt.