Consequences

[bookworm-mama]

I'm having a hard time coming up with consequences for some troubling things going on in my house. It seems like overnight every word out of my 5 and 7 year olds mouths' is "stupid" or "idiot". I tried talking about how we don't say things that are unkind, but it's just increasing. There's a lot of general back-talk (especially to my husband) and just disrespect. When this happens I tell them to "try asking/saying that in a respectful way" or I just tell them not to speak to me that way. It's just not working. I try sending them to their room if they keep repeating the bad behavior but it usually makes things worse. Door slamming (I took the door off the hinges today) big raging fits where we both end up getting hurt, more namecalling and threats, screaming, damaging things...sigh. I'm frustrated and overwhelmed. I feel like I'm drowning.
I guess I just need some pointers on how to start over? What do I do the next time one of them calls the other a name, or screams at me for telling them it's time to clean up or it's time to start school?

[bentlaj11]

I'm dealing w/ this some w/ my 5 y/o. He loves to call his brother anything but his real name. I'm not really sure what to do about that, but I try and give more words to the 2 y/o... "When you react to his words you are giving him too much power over you. His words aren't kind, but maybe if we ignore them he will stop." But, yeah it still happens He also likes to say butt (butty-butt-butt etc), which I don't like, but try not to make a big deal of it... I just tell him if he wants to say it to take it to his bedroom.

[bookworm-mama]

[backtobasicsmum]

I'm not any help, just in the same boat. My 3 yo favorite thing right now is to walk around saying "you're a nerd!".

[milkmommy]

When we get into this stage we stop all other activities such as school going over to friends houses ect and focus back on being a family. We do quick evaluation of diet or environmental triggers. (too many sweets?? no enough sleep?? too much media?? and actively address as needed. Then we build up as a family unit.. We clean the house cause taking pride in our own space is often step one.. We cook some meals together we play board games read books we do art projects we go on nature walks we tell stories.. Not all things come easily and bickering still comes in but the main focus is always on listening to each other and treating with respect.
One thing I'd like to routinely schedule into next ears school year are at least once a month "reconnection days" with the girls.

[rjy9343]

We noticed a lot of name calling and general nastiness when we started letting our daughter regularly watch cartoons. So we watched some with her and were horrified at what is considered okay for young children. So much name calling, rudeness, lying and other bad behavior.
We cut out those shows and a lot of it went away. I think that it undermines us when we let our kids watch things that show that sort of thing. Even though the offender does make amends, it only happens in the last few minutes of the show after spending most of the show hurting people.

[milkmommy]

Originally Posted by rjy9343

We noticed a lot of name calling and general nastiness when we started letting our daughter regularly watch cartoons. So we watched some with her and were horrified at what is considered okay for young children. So much name calling, rudeness, lying and other bad behavior.
We cut out those shows and a lot of it went away. I think that it undermines us when we let our kids watch things that show that sort of thing. Even though the offender does make amends, it only happens in the last few minutes of the show after spending most of the show hurting people.

We run into this often more because of the age difference of my kids. Margaret on her own wont watch a big variety of shows and tends to go for the same (pre approved) epoides again and again.. However having a tween also watching shows and her little sister sitting in often brings up issues. What over the top "tween" media behavior Cecilia can see and understand its consequences and appropriateness or not Margaret just sees "cool kids".

[ValiantJoy07]

We have a zero tolerance for "put downs". If some one uses a put down they need to immediately make amends or go take some time by themselves until they can do so (they must say 1/kind thing and apologize for being rude). They also lose media privileges for the day (because it often happens when they've haven't been regulating screen time well).

Loss of screen time also means more time doing some thing interactive at bedtime, an extra chapter of a book, or some quiet time with one of us. So while it isn't a consequence they are happy about on the TV side of things (because they have a favorite program they love to watch before bed, and they lose it that day), it gives an opportunity for connection.

[bookworm-mama]

Isn't it funny how too much screen time (or ANY, really...) brings out the monster in all of us? And I've just remembered we switched the cable back on a month ago, so we've been watching a few more programs, especially in the evening all the christmas movies. Now that I'm more aware I will be better at regulating that.
Yesterday was rough. Today is better. We're doing fun messy art and there's no time for namecalling.
Thanks ladies.

[Stefanierose88]

Isnt it incredible how one day we can be on here saying "HELP, I have no idea what I'm doing, I'm in over my head, I'm gonna lose it, my children have turned into monsters!" and then other days (most, dare I say?) its really not that bad?

I have been trying to deal with my 3yr old's defiance lately. Normally she is very kind, polite, obedient, but lately she will have a random day where she is just AHHHHHHHH *pulls my hair out* and I doubt everything I am doing and fear the worst.

The bad days can be SO bad, I guess that why it often throws us into a tailspin of self-doubt and worry. I know I do it, and I have seen others here do it too

For my DD1, I have been paying closer attention is getting her to bed on time so she sleeps well (lack of sleep is monstrous for children), and paying attention to screen time like what was said on this thread. Its sometimes easier to put on a DVD when its a hard day, but too much can actually make it worse.

Glad you had a better day

[ArmsOfLove]

Please do some searching on consequences and defiance as there are some good discussions. There are much better ideas/words/views that can really help you get through these stages