I think I'm failing at GBD with my 4yo

[Mrs.KLF]

To the point that I think maybe I just need to fall back to punitive punishment because then at least I'm doing *something*. I'm just really frustrated with where I am and and where we are as a family right now. I feel like I've read all the books and know all the whys, but when it comes to the hows, to the practical application of it all, I'm at a total loss. I think I've done a pretty good job at gentle based parenting so far, especially considering that it is all very new to me (I'm from the Dobson generation), but I feel like I've hit a stage where I'm at a loss and I see my failure in front of my all day long in my kids.

My 4 (almost 5) year old is sassy and bossy and he's flat out mean to his sister. The sassiness and bossiness I can mostly deal with. I script for him all day long and every once in a while, he'll catch himself and rescript without my prompting. It may not look like it to outsiders, but I think he's getting it. But his attitude to his sister breaks my heart. I'm in tears even thinking about it right now. He freaks out when she touches anything of his, pushes/punches/hits her when she gets near him, and just generally wants nothing to do with her. And sadly, now I see her starting to mimic all of those same things he does to her. I just had a conversation with my mom where she pointed out that we let him get away with a lot of it and I think she's right. (She was not being mean - it was very much a "hey, just wanted to kindly point out" kind of convo, not a "hey, you're sucking at parenting!" convo). I think because he's so vocal and always seemingly on the verge of a meltdown, it's often easier to let DD get the short end of the stick - he touches her toys and she doesn't care, but if she touches his, he freaks out so we make her stop. If she's playing with daddy, he butts in and then it ends up being him and daddy roughhousing, leaving her out. She pushes him at he barely feels it, but he retaliates *hard* and she ends up hurt.

My "fix" is usually just separating them, but at the rate they are going, they'd be separated all day long. Not to mention...it's not working.

Writing it out, it doesn't sound all that awful, but in the midst of it, I feel like I'm drowning. They fight all day long and I feel like it affects every facet of our family relationships. I don't know how to get across to him to be kind or that they can share a bowl of something without a fight or that he doesn't need to taunt her because his toy is bigger/better. I don't expect them to get along all the time, but I can't even think of a 5 minute period recently where they have played together happily without it turning into a fight.

(I'm currently reading Siblings Without Rivalry, but I've only just started)

Looking back on my previous posts, his meanness to DD is not new - I first posted about it when she was just 9 months old. So obviously, I'm not doing something right. And I think it's just getting worse and worse...

[WanderingJuniper]

I didn't want to read and not post. :Hug I have some thoughts but need to comeback tomorrow. :Yawn

[staceylayne]

Well I do not have any magical remedies. My kids bicker quite a bit and it makes me crazy! Especially when the bigger ones are mean to the younger ones.

A couple of quick thoughts. He seems big at almost five but it is completely developmentally typical for him to have no empathy. That really worried me with my first, but at 7.5 his ability to see things from another's perspective has grown so much!

Also, I have found that focusing on positive attributes instead of me nit picking every bothersome behavior to be really helpful.

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Sorry, hit send too quick.

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For example, maybe I write the word "kindness" really big on the chalkboard near our kitchen table. We spend time at meals and in the car talking about what kindness is and brainstorming examples of kind behavior. And I make a huge effort to notice and point out moments when they make kind choices. When we reflect on poor choices we talk about why particular behaviors were not kind or what could have been done differently. The point is for ME to hone in on one area. It could be gentleness, patience or generosity.

Also, we work on making amends in meaningful ways when one sibling has wronged another.

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Also, this thread made me think of this I posted to FB in August (spoiler for length):

I know this is FaceBragging, but I hope it is also an encouragement to those in the trenches of parenting littles. When B was 3, 4, 5, there were many times I was convinced I was raising a future delinquent. This child did not come prepackaged with empathy. Despite my well-meaning lectures and object lessons, there was almost no awareness of/care for other's needs and feelings, and zero remorse when his impulsive responses hurt people.

But time changes things. This week in particular I have been staggered by how he has cared for and served others.
- Last weekend we helped friends unload their moving van and he insisted on working in the heat instead of watching the movie we set up for the kids.
- He has been very sensitive to the needs of his baby sister. He gently cares for her when she is upset and I'm not immediately available.
- The other night Jeff was sick and as I put Austen to bed, I heard the clatter of dishes in the kitchen. B was rinsing off the dinner plates and putting them in the dishwasher.
- All on his own, he wrote and delivered this note to Jeff.

All this is not to say "my kid is so amazing!" (though he is). But I want to share that given time to mature and an environment filled with adults that model respect, kindness and service, they'll get it! Those squirrelly little boys that can't look you in the eye and run away after injuring their sisters can grow into thoughtful, giving young people.

(This isn't to say he never loses his cool and injures sisters anymore. No, no. But now he usually doesn't run away and is beginning to master the art of making amends and apologizing in a meaningful way.)

Press on, weary parents. The work you are doing is hard, valuable and worth it!

[Love_Is_Patient]

It's hard. I've had lots of places where I wasn't sure anything was working either. Although 2 and 4 are not really good 'play together' ages. They are likely to do much better at 4 and 6 than they do now!

Reading your post, I think there are places where you can increase firmness and boundaries without being punitive. For example, if you are letting him 'butt in' to things because of fear of a meltdown--you might have to just let him have the meltdown instead. For example, he tries to push sister away from daddy--daddy can gently but firmly move him back, say 'it's not your turn yet, would you like a turn' and then finish sister's turn before ds gets his. If ds has a meltdown, so be it--and if a second parent is around they could step in and take ds into another room. If only one parent is there and the meltdown makes it impossible to continue, try switching to a different activity that they can both be involved in so that ds isn't getting attention at the expense of his sister, but rather together with his sister. If he hits/hurts over a toy (even though it's his), the toy gets put away. In general, though, I think you'll get the most mileage from positive things, like trying to do something together with both of them, or involving ds in an activity that is for dd (make her a craft? fix a snack for her?)--praise him for doing anything kind or helpful.

[camperjen]

Without getting into too many specifics about how you might handle particular incidents, I wanted to say it's a phase. It's a matter of lather, rinse, repeat. I've always said that two is when they realize they have an opinion and three is when they test the boundaries of how often they can exert their opinion. Four is a continuation of that in a broader sense. My boys are 8 and 9 and around four and five they were quite difficult to handle with each other.

And about being "even" with not letting them touch toys - it really is a matter of worrying about the kid who worries about it. If she doesn't care, I wouldn't make an issue of it. If he cares, then you decide if it's enough to make her stop or ask him to be more flexible. Make guidelines of when it's okay to touch the toys - is it okay with permission? Is it okay for five minutes (set a timer) and then she'll give it back? If it's not okay at all, he needs to put it away where she can't get to it.

Looking back on my previous posts, his meanness to DD is not new - I first posted about it when she was just 9 months old. So obviously, I'm not doing something right. And I think it's just getting worse and worse...

NO, you're definitely doing things right! Behaviors that kids exhibit when they're young often pop back up in age-appropriate ways later on. My younger son bit and hit when he was young and now that he's 8, he'll throw things on the ground instead. Same behavior in a way (physical reactions to stimulus) but slightly different.

BEING AWARE of how you parent is 90% of the game. Seriously. There are a lot of parents who simply react all the time and don't evaluate what they're doing and how they're doing it. That makes you a good parent!! I think that parenting until kingdom come will always require that we evaluate our relationships and how they're going and how we're behaving in them... just like a marriage.

Some days parenting is so very hard. I've learned that every stage is hard, just in its own way. Sometimes those ways are easier to deal with based on my personality and other phases are like "how am I going to get through the next ten minutes" hard. You're doing a great job - you're a good mom! Keep working and it'll be good. I wish that we got a grade once every six months or something - then I could really evaluate my parenting and know that I'm doing just fine compared to everybody else.

[kindundmama]

I have a soon-to-be 5 yr. old and she is the most empathetic person I know. Her younger brother, not so much. It may be a gender thing although that never comes out of my mouth. I am just starting on my GBD journey having come from a very punitive first few years. The way we build empathy, kindness, and camaraderie is to do projects together. I do one project with them per day (most times). Today, we are making gingerbread cookies. Yesterday, we glued and pasted. Sometimes, a craft comes out of it but most of all, this is the time I teach about sharing and loving.
My kids are pretty good about playing together and they do fight, but we do not separate unless it's violent. It's hard to do this without time-outs too but I don't do those anymore. So, I script an apology and ask how the other person would be feeling. They don't get that perspective all of the time but it does help to plant the seed. But most of all, I script, script, and script. I ask the 3 yr old how he could have said something to his sister instead of banging a toy on her head. I ask DD how she could have walked away when her brother was not listening to her instructions or not following them. I teach her words that express emotions, "frustrated," "angry"....which helps her to express the words. And I teach to ignore words that provoke. I did a role-play with that one.
Siblings without Rivalry is an excellent book but it's not geared towards toddlers and preschoolers. I bought a copy but I am going to re-read it when my kids are older.