Did I handle this right?

Elyse221 · 11-29-2014, 06:47 AM

At a family get-together (at my house), dd (4) and ds (20 mo.) got in a little tussle over a ball. I assume dd may have had it first, but I was telling her to back off because ds will usually give it back willingly if you back off and tell him what he needs to do. MIL jumps in with a "Hey! Give that back to sissy!" I told her "I'm right here. I've got it!" Sure enough, when dd backed off I said "You can both play with it. Can you throw it back to V?" and he did. MIL was huffy and glaring at me the rest of the time. She doesn't like being challenged in front of a group of people, but what else can I do?

I feel like I know how to handle my kids, even if it's not the typical "Do this" or punishment ensues. My dd is spirited and a little strong-willed on the side and ds is strong-willed and a little spirited on the side. But I get them. Is the way I handled things permissive? And what else can I do about MIL (this is not the first time she has attempted to parent "over me") besides letting her steamroll me (and my kids)?

gerberadaisy · 11-29-2014, 07:06 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elyse221

At a family get-together (at my house), dd (4) and ds (20 mo.) got in a little tussle over a ball. I assume dd may have had it first, but I was telling her to back off because ds will usually give it back willingly if you back off and tell him what he needs to do. MIL jumps in with a "Hey! Give that back to sissy!" I told her "I'm right here. I've got it!" Sure enough, when dd backed off I said "You can both play with it. Can you throw it back to V?" and he did. MIL was huffy and glaring at me the rest of the time. She doesn't like being challenged in front of a group of people, but what else can I do?

I feel like I know how to handle my kids, even if it's not the typical "Do this" or punishment ensues. My dd is spirited and a little strong-willed on the side and ds is strong-willed and a little spirited on the side. But I get them. Is the way I handled things permissive? And what else can I do about MIL (this is not the first time she has attempted to parent "over me") besides letting her steamroll me (and my kids)?

I don't have this whole gentle parenting thing down yet but I don't think that was permissive at all. You were unsure who had the ball first but even if you did, you know your kids & knew how it would likely play out given some space. If it didn't play out the way you thought & the fighting kept going, I'm sure you would have tried something different.

As for MIL, you handled it better than me. I don't handle other people trying to parent my kid very well at all.

mom23sons · 11-29-2014, 07:25 AM

You did fine....as for your MIL....kindly tell her "I will parent them and you enjoy them" in a sweet voice that sets that boundary.
Got to love MIL's.....after 19 years for me I think I am getting to the point of loving her.

Little Forest · 11-29-2014, 07:31 AM

Sounds as if you handled the DC and MIL perfectly!

She can huff and glare all she likes, but it was not her place to intervene.

Posted via Mobile Device

zak · 11-29-2014, 08:03 AM

Sounds good to me!!

Elyse221 · 11-29-2014, 08:57 AM

Thanks for the reassurance guys. It's hard being from an area where grandparents are often a second set of parents and still parent their adult children as well as grandchildren, and being the first generation to do things differently. Boundaries are seen as disrespect. People still talk about the good old days where any adult could "whoop" a child who stepped out of line

JoEllen · 11-29-2014, 04:30 PM

Sounds like you did great!

Let MIL glare as much as she wants. She needs to know that she can't parent your kids. That's your job.

sunflowermom · 11-29-2014, 09:13 PM

sounds like you did great!

Soliloquy · 11-30-2014, 01:10 AM

One of the things I had to tell the grandparents was that if I was going to leave my children in their care, I would be certain to make that clear. Other people may direct my children with regards to their property or their person (such as, no food in the living room, no shoes on the couch, don't touch my glasses, etc.) but that is the extent of it. Because, when I or DH had the children, it is vital that they have ONE voice, one set of directions on which to focus. It drives me absolutely batty when I see multiple adults giving directions (even if they're all repeating the same thing) to a child. Who can think straight with so many people giving you orders!

rjy9343 · 11-30-2014, 08:18 PM

I think you did very well. It sounds like you had the situation well in hand when your mother in law decided to insert herself into it. If she did not want to be corrected, she should have stayed out of it. If she thought that your daughter should have been given the ball, a simple I think the girl had it first would have been sufficient.

Elyse221 · 12-01-2014, 05:30 AM

Honestly I think she is allowed and expected to parent the other set of grandkids and it's hard for her to switch gears when it's our kids. She's not used to not being in charge of all the people everywhere all the time

. But I saw her later in the weekend and everything seems fine now.

Johns_Gal · 12-01-2014, 08:38 AM

Yeah. You just have to parent anyway and not feel a whit bad about correcting such corrections.

I have wound up physically stopping and removing my kid from some shenanigans that were other-relative initiated when they just were. Not. Listening. to me. No one should attempt to overrule a child's parent.

The glaring and puffing thing wouldn't have gone unchallenged here either. That's not cool.

ITU being unable to switch gears. Overstepping doesn't bother me, as I think it can just be instinctual sometimes. It's the decision to step in that bugs the tar out of me. I hope that's clear as mud, my oldest woke up as I was typing this and is begging for a candy cane.

Soliloquy · 12-09-2014, 11:27 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Elyse221

Honestly I think she is allowed and expected to parent the other set of grandkids and it's hard for her to switch gears when it's our kids.

That's how it is with my MIL. My MIL babysits her other grandkids all the time. And, my SIL wants extended family to give orders to her kids and she likes it when MIL does this. This is a good reminder that it's not easy being grandma, either.

sothisislove · 12-20-2014, 11:25 PM

I love how you handled it!

11-29-2014, 06:47 AM	#1
Elyse221 Rose Bush Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 493	Did I handle this right? At a family get-together (at my house), dd (4) and ds (20 mo.) got in a little tussle over a ball. I assume dd may have had it first, but I was telling her to back off because ds will usually give it back willingly if you back off and tell him what he needs to do. MIL jumps in with a "Hey! Give that back to sissy!" I told her "I'm right here. I've got it!" Sure enough, when dd backed off I said "You can both play with it. Can you throw it back to V?" and he did. MIL was huffy and glaring at me the rest of the time. She doesn't like being challenged in front of a group of people, but what else can I do? I feel like I know how to handle my kids, even if it's not the typical "Do this" or punishment ensues. My dd is spirited and a little strong-willed on the side and ds is strong-willed and a little spirited on the side. But I get them. Is the way I handled things permissive? And what else can I do about MIL (this is not the first time she has attempted to parent "over me") besides letting her steamroll me (and my kids)?

11-29-2014, 07:25 AM	#3
mom23sons Rose Bouquet Join Date: Oct 2014 Location: Maine Posts: 614	Re: Did I handle this right? You did fine....as for your MIL....kindly tell her "I will parent them and you enjoy them" in a sweet voice that sets that boundary. Got to love MIL's.....after 19 years for me I think I am getting to the point of loving her. __________________ Amie, wife to JB and mom to 3 amazing teenage sons. IT 19, CP 17 and EG 15. DON to the elderly . Living as simple as can be in Maine.

11-29-2014, 07:31 AM	#4
Little Forest Rose Garden Rich in girls. Join Date: Jun 2009 Location: Perth hills, Australia Posts: 6,915	Re: Did I handle this right? Sounds as if you handled the DC and MIL perfectly! She can huff and glare all she likes, but it was not her place to intervene. Posted via Mobile Device

11-29-2014, 08:03 AM	#5
zak Administrator Friend of the Fellowship Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: The South Posts: 33,212	Re: Did I handle this right? Sounds good to me!! __________________ -zak Wife to MrZak Mama to the ZakKids - 2005, 2007, 2010, 2012 and 2017 Dedicated GCMer since 2003 Administrator and Moderating Cradled, Babes, Breastfeeding, Beautiful Mothers and Circumcision

11-29-2014, 08:57 AM	#6
Elyse221 Rose Bush Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 493	Re: Did I handle this right? Thanks for the reassurance guys. It's hard being from an area where grandparents are often a second set of parents and still parent their adult children as well as grandchildren, and being the first generation to do things differently. Boundaries are seen as disrespect. People still talk about the good old days where any adult could "whoop" a child who stepped out of line

11-29-2014, 04:30 PM	#7
JoEllen Banned "When life gives you lemons, cut them in half and squirt life in the eye!" - Unknown Join Date: May 2012 Location: New York City, NY Posts: 1,868	Re: Did I handle this right? Sounds like you did great! Let MIL glare as much as she wants. She needs to know that she can't parent your kids. That's your job.

11-29-2014, 09:13 PM	#8
sunflowermom Rose Garden Join Date: Sep 2012 Location: Oregon Posts: 3,579	Re: Did I handle this right? sounds like you did great! __________________ Mae Married my DH in 2/2008 Gave birth my DS 3/2012

11-30-2014, 01:10 AM	#9
Soliloquy Rose Garden Why climb a mountain? Because it's there! Join Date: Mar 2005 Location: Selkirk Mountains Posts: 52,860	Re: Did I handle this right? One of the things I had to tell the grandparents was that if I was going to leave my children in their care, I would be certain to make that clear. Other people may direct my children with regards to their property or their person (such as, no food in the living room, no shoes on the couch, don't touch my glasses, etc.) but that is the extent of it. Because, when I or DH had the children, it is vital that they have ONE voice, one set of directions on which to focus. It drives me absolutely batty when I see multiple adults giving directions (even if they're all repeating the same thing) to a child. Who can think straight with so many people giving you orders!

11-30-2014, 08:18 PM	#10
rjy9343 Rose Garden Join Date: Dec 2010 Location: Northern Virginia Posts: 10,090	Re: Did I handle this right? I think you did very well. It sounds like you had the situation well in hand when your mother in law decided to insert herself into it. If she did not want to be corrected, she should have stayed out of it. If she thought that your daughter should have been given the ball, a simple I think the girl had it first would have been sufficient. __________________ Rita s IstJ Wife to my brilliant geek James iNtJ since 4/08 Mom to our angel boy Jay 5/08 our quirky miracle DD Ivy 6/10 mellow miracle DS Jacob 7/15 Often Please forgive my frequent typos Standing firmly on Team Lioness!!! Roar!!! I am ready for people to know I am a GCM find me on Facebook

12-01-2014, 05:30 AM	#11
Elyse221 Rose Bush Join Date: Mar 2011 Posts: 493	Re: Did I handle this right? Honestly I think she is allowed and expected to parent the other set of grandkids and it's hard for her to switch gears when it's our kids. She's not used to not being in charge of all the people everywhere all the time . But I saw her later in the weekend and everything seems fine now.

12-01-2014, 08:38 AM	#12
Johns_Gal Rose Garden Join Date: Jan 2008 Posts: 8,764	Re: Did I handle this right? Yeah. You just have to parent anyway and not feel a whit bad about correcting such corrections. I have wound up physically stopping and removing my kid from some shenanigans that were other-relative initiated when they just were. Not. Listening. to me. No one should attempt to overrule a child's parent. The glaring and puffing thing wouldn't have gone unchallenged here either. That's not cool. ITU being unable to switch gears. Overstepping doesn't bother me, as I think it can just be instinctual sometimes. It's the decision to step in that bugs the tar out of me. I hope that's clear as mud, my oldest woke up as I was typing this and is begging for a candy cane.

12-20-2014, 11:25 PM	#14
sothisislove Rose Blossom Join Date: Aug 2008 Posts: 196	Re: Did I handle this right? I love how you handled it! __________________ Married to DH since 2005. DS 4/27/2007 DD 12/14/2009 DD 11/12/2011 Homeschooling!

X vBulletin 3.8.3 Debug Information
Page Generation 0.65109 seconds Memory Usage 8,081KB Queries Executed 16 (?)
More Information
Template Usage: (1)SHOWTHREAD (1)ad_footer_end (1)ad_footer_start (1)ad_header_end (1)ad_header_logo (1)ad_navbar_below (1)ad_showthread_beforeqr (1)ad_showthread_firstpost (1)ad_showthread_firstpost_sig (1)ad_showthread_firstpost_start (2)bbcode_quote (1)cyb_flashimagebanners (1)footer (1)forumjump (1)forumrules (1)gobutton (1)header (1)headinclude (1)navbar (3)navbar_link (60)option (14)post_groan_box (1)post_groan_javascript (1)post_groan_navbar_search (14)post_thanks_box (42)post_thanks_box_bit (1)post_thanks_javascript (1)post_thanks_navbar_search (12)post_thanks_postbit_legacy (14)postbit_legacy (14)postbit_onlinestatus (132)postbit_reputation (14)postbit_wrapper (4)showthread_bookmarksite (1)smqre_editor_button (1)spacer_close (1)spacer_open (1)tagbit_wrapper Phrase Groups Available: global inlinemod postbit posting reputationlevel showthread	Included Files: ./showthread.php ./global.php ./includes/init.php ./includes/class_core.php ./includes/config.php ./includes/functions.php ./includes/class_hook.php ./includes/functions_notice.php ./mobiquo/smartbanner.php ./mobiquo/include/classTTConnection.php ./mobiquo/smartbanner/head.inc.php ./includes/functions_bigthree.php ./includes/class_postbit.php ./includes/class_bbcode.php ./includes/functions_reputation.php ./includes/adminfunctions_template.php ./includes/functions_misc.php ./includes/functions_post_thanks.php ./includes/functions_post_groan.php Hooks Called: init_startup cache_permissions fetch_postinfo_query fetch_postinfo fetch_threadinfo_query fetch_threadinfo fetch_foruminfo style_fetch cache_templates global_start parse_templates fetch_musername notices_check_start global_setup_complete showthread_start template_groups template_safe_functions template_compile showthread_getinfo forumjump showthread_post_start showthread_query_postids showthread_query bbcode_fetch_tags bbcode_create showthread_postbit_create postbit_factory postbit_display_start post_thanks_function_post_thanks_off_start post_thanks_function_post_thanks_off_end post_thanks_function_fetch_thanks_start post_thanks_function_fetch_thanks_end post_thanks_function_thanked_already_start post_thanks_function_thanked_already_end post_groan_function_post_groan_off_start post_groan_function_post_groan_off_end post_groan_function_fetch_groans_start post_groan_function_fetch_groans_end post_groan_function_groaned_already_start post_groan_function_groaned_already_end reputation_image postbit_imicons bbcode_parse_start bbcode_parse_complete_precache bbcode_parse_complete postbit_display_complete error_fetch post_thanks_function_fetch_thanks_bit_start post_thanks_function_show_thanks_date_start post_thanks_function_fetch_thanks_bit_end post_thanks_function_fetch_post_thanks_template_start post_thanks_function_fetch_post_thanks_template_end tag_fetchbit_complete forumrules showthread_bookmarkbit navbits navbits_complete showthread_complete
Messages: