immediate obedience

[RainbowDash]

what do you do when you really truly need first time obedience from your kids? a friend reccommmended the 'how to talk so your kids will listen' book, and while i'm finding it useful for general discussing, i'm not seeing a very large change when i actually tell the kids to do something. and sometimes i just need them to listen right away. i'm guessing it's a longer process to change how things have been going, but what can ido inthe meantime so that i can avoid yelling and spanking my kids?

[Katigre]

Goyb parenting is what taught my kids to listen quickly without yelling. It takes work but really it's effective ime!

[RainbowDash]

goyb?

[mamacat]

First you hve to have kids that are old enough or have developed enough that it is a reasonable expectation. A 3 or 4 year old may not be there yet in which case a parent has to keep them safe.As in they cant walk in a parking lot w/o an adult to firmly hold hand

[Katigre]

Originally Posted by RainbowDash

goyb?

http://joanneaz_2.tripod.com/positiv...nter/id23.html

[ArmsOfLove]

Can you give some situations where you are seeing you need this? That might help us with ideas

[RainbowDash]

one usual (almost every day) issue is that the two older kids (kindergarten and prek ages) won't get dressed when told. i'm usually trying to get everything ready, feed myself, get myself ready and get the toddler ready. they are capable of dressing themselves, and appropriately for the most part (shoes are hard sometimes for the prek).

we homeschool, and i'm not too worried about schedules, but nothing gets done. i tell my K to come and do work with me and she will goof off, not listen, etc. while school schedules aren't important, we do have limited time in which to get stuff done.

those are a couple examples.

[JoEllen]

Depends on the situation. If it's a matter of being on a time crunch, and they just aren't moving fast enough, you might have to just make it happen. If it's a danger situation, then one of two things come to mind: 1) you can't really expect a little one to act quickly in a danger situation (that's why schools conduct fire and tornado drills), so you might have to make it happen, and 2) if it's a teen/tween, you might need to adjust your tone of voice to indicate that this is something dangerous and teach them that when Mama uses that tone, they need to listen the first time or they could get hurt.

[marbles]

In situations like that, I find that the kids just don't understand the time crunch. So if I'm in a hurry or I need a thing done now, I either need to do it myself or plan for extra time so I don't have the time issue. Like getting ready for something. When I have an appointment or we have the story time we go to, I either need to wake up early to get myself and breakfast ready, or I need to pick out their clothes and be nearby directing them to get each item on. When I have a little more time I will tell my 4yr old "you can go right now and pick out your clothes, or I can pick them for you. If I pick, then you wear the outfit I choose no arguing." We like goyb parenting, because it takes away the struggle in those situations.

[Codi]

LOTS of GOYB Parenting, especially those ages. And then just having a realistic expectation of what certain ages are capable of on their own is very important.

From your example, I would not at all expect my pre-k to be able to get dressed and stay on track all on their own. My 6 year old can mostly. Kids that age are very distractable.

One thing that comes to mind is helping with very clear instructions. Instead of, "You need to go get dressed right now." Something like walking them into their room, handing them their clothes and saying, "You need to put these on then come out and show me that you are all done as quickly as you can." The first leaves a LOT OF ROOM for ways this can be accomplished. The second is very clear and you are getting them started in the next step.

[mommychem]

Goyb definitely. In that situation, I would have to plan enough time to put their clothes on for them, even if they are capable. No need to make a deal of it, just get it done. Then your words will have meaning as in, "when I say get dressed, if you won't do it, I will dress you" so that eventually they will come to know that when mom speaks, things happen.
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[ArmsOfLove]

I think it will help to define some ideas

There are times when it would be convenient for little children to be more mature than they are, but that doesn't make it a "need." IME when there is a real need we communicate that through our tone and they can tell from the situation that it's important that they immediately respond. If we are on top of our parenting and they are used to our helping them with things that still need help, as well as if we keep them out of situations that we can anticipate being dangerous, these times are so rare that there is just no way to plan for them in advance (meaning, children aren't saved from a fire by being required to obey immediately in normal situations - they tune into the danger of the situation and tend to cooperate when it's a real emergency).

Now, ability to do something also doesn't mean the child has the maturity and self control to be consistent in doing it.

So things that I was frustrated with the resistance on led me to reflecting on things . . . how important was it? If it was important enough then I needed to make sure I was able to make it happen and help - and I found that waiting until I was ready to do that took LESS time and was less stressful than telling them repeatedly to do it without me and then feel resentful that I had to do it anyway. If I adjusted my expectations, I was less frustrated And even if I though they "should" be able to do something, for whatever reason they weren't.

Lots of things I decided weren't worth the hassle. In our home we went through different seasons. Sometimes we would get dressed every day because we didn't know what would come. Sometimes we didn't bother unless we needed to go out.

Also, children do a lot better with quick short not a lot of words instructions, one step at time, and, whenever possible, playful fun parenting

So if you think about the issue of them getting dressed, and you consider it with you needing to help them more, is there a way to change something? I'm big on manipulating circumstances, situations and environments in order to avoid manipulating children

[Elyse221]

One idea for getting them dressed in the morning is to plan something special that happens right after they are dressed. It could be as simple as a coloring page or Play-doh time while you read them a story or whatever they like to do that would be easy for you to plan. Then instead of "Go get dressed!" it would be more like "Time to get dressed so we can do our ____."

[Codi]

"Once you _______, then we can _________" is a great motivator.

[mom23sons]

Something I thought of in your particular example is that---when my 2 older sons were left to get dressed and I left the room---they would get talking and playing totally forgetting the "time to get dressed". I would get the youngest clothing and go in the boys room and direct, keep them on track to get dressed.
It was their intent to get dressed but got sidetracked.....something I do as an adult, so I can't really fault them .