Hubby Not on Board

[VeganIma]

What would you do if your husband decided he wanted to use spanking as a form of "discipline"? My husband knows how I feel about spanking, and I've told him numerous times that it is something I won't tolerate. But still, he resorts to spanking or threatening to spank our toddler when he misbehaves.

Hubby is a free thinking liberal atheist, but he seems to cling to this part of his conservative Protestant upbringing


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[SewingGreenMama]

My husband was the same way.
We basically defined spanking precisely, and when it was allowed (very very very strict on these boundaries) Then I made sure that it didn't come to that and I dealt with everything before it escalated.
Over time he saw how effective other tools were. Began to internalize things like how spanking undermines a child's since if body autonomy that is so important to protect them from grooming and predators. Etc.
Two years later he still thinks spanking has a place, but he honestly can't think of a situation that would warrant it.


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[JoEllen]

Originally Posted by VeganIma

What would you do if your husband decided he wanted to use spanking as a form of "discipline"?

Actually, it was fairly easy for Drew and I to come to an agreement about discipline. While we were still engaged, we had a loooooooong discussion about it. He knows about my history of abuse and that, coupled with a few additional factors, was enough to convince him.

[rjy9343]

I would take over the discipline and fill his parenting tool box until he came to his senses. It sounds like your husband is at his wits end and is reverting to what he knows. When you are stressed you go to what you know even if what you know is not a good thing, it is familiar and there is comfort in that.

[MariJo7]

I agree with the other writers here: Taking over the discipline and preventing situations where spanking is "needed" (auch, I didn't have any better words) is the best ting you can do now. This may place some extra stress and responsibilities on you, but it is necessary, and might help you to keep your family together.

And if the situation would be really bad, and if spanking could not be prevented, I would grab my kids and disappear for a while, to my parents perhaps, ot to another safe place.

[twoplustwo]

Two things I did.

One I gave my dh a bunch of stuff to read on why I didnt want to spank before I would discuss it. He never read it (last 3 books I gave him recently about another topic he never read - so I guess he finds just agreeing with me is easier than doing any research himself )

He was spanked growing up and he admits that it didn't make a difference. He even says he remembers that he would do something knowing he would get spanked but didn't care because he would rather do X. So Id remind him - what is the purpose of spanking again?

After a few years when it (very occasionally) it came up, Id just say - no, we are not spanking - this decision has been made and I am not starting now. I wasn't spanked and I don't have it in me to do it and it's too late for me considering letting you start now (my kids were past toddler stage by then).

[Elyse221]

I agree with the other posters about modelling other parenting techniques and taking over discipline before it comes to spanking. However, if it came down to it, I would physically put myself between my child and anyone trying to hit them.

[WanderingJuniper]

My response seems like its a little different and I could do it because I knew the strength of our marriage. I am not advocating it as a blanket response. Disclaimer over.

I stood firm in front of him but not in front of our children and point blank said in a resolved calm voice, "You may not hit our children. I would not allow anyone else to hit our children I will not tolerate the person who is supposed to be safest in the world to hit my children."

In the very rare events that he slipped up and spanked I expected him to make amends with them as a way to make amends with me. He disrespected me by striking them and he knows it is a withdrawal from my love bank to be harsh to our children.

However, I have the advantage of living adult proof that spanking is not needed to create a responsible, well mannered adult, because he married one.

I did a lot of modeling and he did a lot of asking. I did a lot of reading and we did a lot of talking. Now, 9 years down the gentle parenting journey he sees the fruit of the frustrating discussions and difficult learning moments.

[ThreeKids]

Part of the spanking mentality is the belief it was the only thing the parent could do and that the child would be headed down a road to destruction without it and this is taught to the children, too. I don't see how one parent would want to spank when the other parent isn't going to help maintain that illusion. There must be a very in the moment desire for immediate results, without regard for the long term to go ahead with it anyway.

My parents believed the Dobson assurance that the child would agree with them someday. I'm hoping he won't cling to that mentality as tenaciously since he's not going to be able to be so easily assured his kids will agree with him someday.

[rjy9343]

I think that the belief that you must spank to keep your children out of jail and the morgue is not going to waiver if your partner refuses to get onboard. If anything, you will be even more determined since you are the only one that is not letting your emotions get in the way of what is best for the children.