New to Gentle Mothering!

Hey all! I just joined the group and I'd like some advice and info please!

I'm a 20 year old mother to an 18 month old and a 5 month old (both boys). I've been married to my awesome husband for 3 years this March and we both love being parents. We've decided to not use contraceptives and have as many children as God gives us, and have even brought up the idea of fostering.

Anyway! My younger (LW) is an EBF baby, who loves his Happy wrap, his mama's boobies and co-sleeping. There's not much going on with him as far as discipline.

My older son (SJ) is a whole other story! He's only 1 and a half, so I realize there are some things that I just need to let go, but I'd like to know how to handle the tantrums. When he doesn't get what he wants, when he wants it, he crashes to the floor, screaming and crying. I watch another 14 month old boy, so toy and food sharing is a tough thing. SJ tried to take a toy today and I diverted his attention to the rest of the toy box without much of a fuss. But lunch time was difficult. I again blocked SJ's advances toward C's sandwich, only this time he cried, threw a fit, and tried to hit things (the couch, my knee, etc.). I picked him up, sat him in my lap, and talked to him calmly, making him sit with me until he had stopped crying. Is that right?

Sorry for the overload, I'm just really unsure how to mother gently while not raising a brat!

[Barefoot Bookworm]

Yep, that's right for an 18 month old. 18 months is still very much a baby even if he might seem big with a 5 month old in the house.

So since his behavior is normal and expected, do I just continue to divert his attention? We've tried spanking (doesn't phase him), time outs (he hates because he's social), and all the other recommendations, so that's why I'm turning to the gentle approach. We also have a problem with him biting (for attention, out of frustration, etc.) and we don't know how to get this habit to stop! He's left marks on several family members.

[Katigre]

I find that narrating verbally what happened helps a LOT in helping calm down toddlers.

Ex. "You're upset because of xyz. You feel frustrated. You'll have a turn in one minute"

Format: name the situation, identity the feeling, state the resolution (or redirect immediately to help them move on and not get stuck).

Two weeks ago we were in the shoe store and my 2 yo was sitting in the stroller against the wall of shoes. He was looking at them and I gave him a box of shoes to play with. When it was time to go and my husband put the box back, ds2 stated melting down and throwing a tantrum. I almost wrote it off as "inappropriate and embarrassing". But then I put myself in his shoes - I crouched down by the stroller and put my arm around him. I asked if he thought those shoes were his to keep and now daddy had just seized them away without explanation. His outburst made so much sense in that scenario! He nodded yes between his tears and I helped him reframe the situation. This is what I said: "you liked those shoes, and you thought they were yours to keep. But we were just visiting them. They're going back to their place on the shelf now, tell them bye bye and let's go" and he calmed down very quickly . He needed my coaching to transition and manage his big feelings - and it worked.

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[Soliloquy]

Welcome!

Little ones (and even bigger kids) are going to have Big Feelings and not know what to do with them. You offer words (as another person described) because they don't know words like frustrated, overwhelmed, etc. to help them learn how to describe their feelings. You let him know you're available for a hug, glass of water, etc. Then you just let him do his thing.

When in public, I hold my head up high and act as if everything is A-OK when a little one throws a tantrum. Because it is. It's no different than a 5-month-old crying. It's what they do sometimes. It would be odd if they didn't.

[Katigre]

This link gave me a lot of ideas when mine were young toddlers:
http://www.gentlechristianmothers.co.../toddlerd2.php

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[jenny_islander]

Remember, though, to keep your explanations short, like the examples above. A toddler has a much bigger receptive vocabulary than his or her productive vocabulary, but it's still much smaller than an adult's, and their attention spans tend to be narrow; keep new words to a minimum.

Another tool is setting up your child to succeed. That is, as much as possible (and nobody can do it all the time), make sure that your toddler is rested, fed, hydrated, dry, not too warm or too cold, dressed in clothes that don't pinch or scratch, and within line of sight of someplace they can go when stuff gets to be too much (such as your arms, or a sofa). (At this age a toddler's world is an ellipse with you or another trusted grown-up at one focus and something interesting at the other. The size of the ellipse tends to fluctuate with the child's well-being, so what is "OK bye Mommy" one day can be "AAAIEEEE TOO FAR" the next.)

Another is the visual count, which I also learned here. Get right down in your toddler's line of sight and wait until you get eye contact to speak, because a little brain can only pay attention to one thing at a time. Hold up 3 fingers. Explain that this is 3, and the next time you come back you will hold up 2 fingers, and then 1, and then you will be out of fingers and it will be time to go or give the toy back or get out of the pool or whatever. You decide how much time to allow between counts based on the situation. For older children you can work up to 5 fingers and eventually just call out a number from where you are. This usually reduces--but does not eliminate!--the stress of transitions.

[MariJo7]

Sounds you are doing well, and your boy sounds like a very normal 18 moth old .

[Kiara.I]

Originally Posted by uttermama

So since his behavior is normal and expected, do I just continue to divert his attention? We've tried spanking (doesn't phase him), time outs (he hates because he's social), and all the other recommendations, so that's why I'm turning to the gentle approach. We also have a problem with him biting (for attention, out of frustration, etc.) and we don't know how to get this habit to stop! He's left marks on several family members.

You might find the book "Happiest Toddler on the Block" to be REALLY helpful right about now. It discusses how to communicate with toddlers in a way *they* can hear well, in the middle of their Big Feelings.

Biting: Yes, very frustrating. I had a biter too. Here's the thing: you can't get habits to stop. You can continue to monitor, prevent, teach, and cope. And eventually they will grow out of them. But there is no magic button technique that will make them stop. Unfortunately. Carry a chew toy and redirect him to that when he's biting. Start using the feeling reflection techniques in that book. Try to (as much as possible) start spotting triggers *before* he gets to the biting stage (I know that's almost impossible...)

I can usually tell when he's about to bite if I'm watching him carefully. When I've seen him go for it, I've taken his face in my hands and told him no firmly. He usually moves on, but doesn't react to my voice. When his daddy tells him no, tears will roll! What is it about dad's voice??

Speaking of my husband, I talked to him today about wanting to cut out the spankings, thinking I'd meet some resistance. Both of us were spanked as children, but we always knew our parents loved us and cared for us. He actually was totally on board with me! We want to be more intentional as parents and getting to the root of the behavior rather than spanking after the fact.

I think I have awesome parents even though they spanked. I've started out spanking SJ but I've never felt the urge to beat him or hit him with an object like so many horror stories you hear about spanking. I'm not totally against it, but I definitely think there are better ways to deal with our children's behavior rather than immediately going for their bottoms. It's about being intentional.

[Katigre]

For the biting, does he have a favorite chewing toy? My second had a biting habit and when she would attempt we would stop her and then give her the giraffe (Sophie the giraffe) to chew on instead - so both stopping the inappropriate behavior AND giving her a way to get the urge out in an appropriate way. It worked so well that DD renamed Sophie "my giraffe bite" .

He has a Sophie that he used to play with as a baby, now he just likes to squeak her. I did buy a Jellystone teething necklace through Diaper Parties for LW that SJ likes to chew on sometimes, maybe I could use that as his bite toy?

[marbles]

I don't have any advice beyond what has already been given. I just want to say, if you look through my threads from the past year and a half or so, you'll find many just like this one, myson bit, hit, kicked, screamed, ran away, etc. they grow out of it. Take comfort, he will learn better

Originally Posted by marbles

I don't have any advice beyond what has already been given. I just want to say, if you look through my threads from the past year and a half or so, you'll find many just like this one, myson bit, hit, kicked, screamed, ran away, etc. they grow out of it. Take comfort, he will learn better

Thanks for the encouragment

[sunflowermom]

Welcome to GCM! We're glad you're here!
It sounds like you have a lot on your plate with your two little ones and babysitting!