Parenting a lazy/messy child

[MrsHutch]

I know those aren't very positive descriptors, but it's all I can think of at the moment. Help me know how to parent her without both of us feeling like I'm just riding her all day long.

Our 6 year old can be so lazy/messy in many aspects of life. She makes a huge mess when she eats, and we are constantly on her to eat with her fork instead of her fingers (she says it's hard to use her fork). I mean, she's worse at the table than the 2 year old. Her handwriting is atrocious and her teacher sends notes home saying she needs to work on writing legibly. She leaves a trail of un-put-away things wherever she goes. She prefers to ride the 2 year old's tricycle, because learning to ride a bike is too hard. Actually, "it's too hard" is a common complaint when I ask her to clean or do things. I feel like I'm on her non stop to pick her things up, clean up her messes, stop eating with her fingers.

But she's generally really great. She's had a great attitude lately and hasn't had a big fit in a long time. Sometimes she'll get in a mood where she wants to organize her dresser drawers, and she does an amazing job. She can vacuum out the van with attention to detail that rivals most adults. She's in gifted and talented at school.

Do you think she could have some motor planning issues that make these things hard? Or can this just be personality? (Disclaimer: I struggle really bad with laziness, so I understand that this could just be a part of her personality that she has to learn to buck up and fight against.)

I just don't know what to do with her. I don't like being onto her all the time.

[ValiantJoy07]

It does sound very much like motor and motor planning. my oldest is messier at meals than my 2 year old and always gets food all over her face. She has some fine motor delays, especially involving things that require her to cross at the mid line. She is struggling with her tap (dance) class because it requires so much crossing of the body.

That said I don't really know what to DO. We have tried to help dd1 hold her utensils better but she slouches and curls up at the table and we are constantly correcting her and encouraging her to eat nicer. I do make her clean up her spot after meals so she can see what happens because she was eats with her hands, that has helped a bit. But her face and hands are often covered.

[WaitPatientlyOnTheLord]

Yeah, can she be evaluate by an occupational therapist? Have you seen the "handwriting help" things on pinterest? OT for kids is on there too.

How long was she in her FOO? Longer than the other two. Its highly likely things were so chaotic there that she didn't get the one on one help and attention that a less chaotic homelife likely brought the other to children (tree counting your bio son) got from MUCH younger ages. The skills you are talking about are learned. It takes time. Hang in there.

[houseforjoy]

my oldest dd is a type 2 is/nfp . she is the sweetest kid ever. will literally give you the shirt off her back and freeze herself to help someone else. but trying to get her to do something in any sort of timely manner is umm let's just call it difficult

she also has the poor eating skills and handwriting. one thing that has helped is getting "finger muscle" she has learned knitting and it has been pretty helpful for her hand strength and use. she loves it too. anything you can do to exercise her hands and use them more often will help her get more control over them little by little. it does take time though.

[ValiantJoy07]

Originally Posted by houseforjoy

my oldest dd is a type 2 is/nfp . she is the sweetest kid ever. will literally give you the shirt off her back and freeze herself to help someone else. but trying to get her to do something in any sort of timely manner is umm let's just call it difficult

she also has the poor eating skills and handwriting. one thing that has helped is getting "finger muscle" she has learned knitting and it has been pretty helpful for her hand strength and use. she loves it too. anything you can do to exercise her hands and use them more often will help her get more control over them little by little. it does take time though.

How funny my oldest is a T2 IxFP

[rjy9343]

It does not sound lazy as much as overwhelmed. If she has motor planning issues, then she is likely overwhelmed by trying to do those things because they are so hard for her. If she was made fun of, punished, scolded or something else negative when she failed, she could be afraid as well.
I would have her evaluated because at six she should able to use her utensils, learn to ride a bike, write somewhat legibly and eat without looking like she is just learning. I also would not call her lazy. I would be very surprised if she likes those things about herself, she just does not know how to fix them.

[mamacat]

If she has been havng problems writing and holding her fork it is more of a motor skills issue.She is not being lazy if she tells you it is too hard - it really is! I would look into some OT kinds of help and be very loving and patient with her.also even tho she seems older to you she may have not been taught HOW to do things or be able to because of age.Some kids have to be insructed about cleaning step by step while others are just naturally neat and tidy

[rjy9343]

[QUOTE=mamacat;5857635 be very loving and patient with her.also even tho she seems older to you she may have not been taught HOW to do things or be able to because of age.Some kids have to be insructed about cleaning step by step while others are just naturally neat and tidy[/QUOTE]
She's right. I was amazed at what some people do not teach their children. I knew girls in their late teens that never learned basic hygiene or how to do even the simplest of tasks like unloading a dishwasher, making a bed or sweeping a floor.

[Mother of Sons]

I would start by removing lazy from your mind. You may not be calling her that to her face but you are communicating it. I would get an evaluation. None of those things sound lazy to me. It sounds like she struggles and many daily tasks are harder for her than for other kids. If you strapped 100 pound weights on each of your legs every time you went to the grocery store are you lazy when you resist going, trip sometimes, sit down every time you can and tell someone how hard it is?

You can build up her confidence or tear it down

"It's too hard!"
"No it's not. You just need to do it!" OR
"I know it's hard sometimes but I know you can do it."

[MrsHutch]

Sometimes I probably tell her no it's not too hard, but I'm pretty good about validating how she feels. We talk a lot about how sometimes things are hard, but if we keep working on them, then we get better at them, and then they don't seem hard anymore.

[rjy9343]

If she has motor planning issues, then a lot of things really are hard. They are physically draining. If you had to do a triathlon while eight months pregnant after no activity at all, then you would find it hard to say the least. I have a lot of sympathy for kids with poor motor planning in no small part because I have a niece and nephew with that problem. The nephew more so and he cannot use utensils properly, he cannot ride a bike and is beyond tired after an hour at the park. My four year old has excellent motor skills and is just getting warmed up when he crashes. It seems hard because it is hard.

[houseforjoy]

also figure out what is the biggest priority to work on. my dd just learned to ride a bike last summer when she was just a few months shy of 8. my ds learned at 4, and my 2nd dd learned at 5 (i couldn't help her the year she was 4 even tho she was ready). i had tried with her but it just wasn't worth the heartache for either of us. she wasn't bothered by the training wheels. and she wasn't bothered that it was mostly her younger sister who taught her how to ride without training wheels (the 5yo learned first and pretty easily, which made my older want to learn but i was 8 mos preg. and dude i could only tolerate waddling behind the bike for so long)

the handwriting is probably the biggest factor to work on (table manners too, but really i would wait on that- and mine can still be messier then the 2yo at times but we just make sure she washes up first thing after dinner)

can you do some of the handwriting without tears stuff? the chalkboard wet dry try activity, and the magnetic board tracing the cards would probably be helpful. also lots of playdoh play and have her roll the snakes out to form letters. all of that will build strength and coordination.

and you really do have to do your best to reframe things in your mind. for the longest time i couldn't think of any other word then "slow" for my dd. so i would refer to her in my mind as a "slow learner" even tho i didn't really mean anything negative by it but it really has helped me to read up on her personality type and rephrase things in my head

[Johns_Gal]

Originally Posted by rjy9343

It does not sound lazy as much as overwhelmed. If she has motor planning issues, then she is likely overwhelmed by trying to do those things because they are so hard for her. If she was made fun of, punished, scolded or something else negative when she failed, she could be afraid as well.
I would have her evaluated because at six she should able to use her utensils, learn to ride a bike, write somewhat legibly and eat without looking like she is just learning. I also would not call her lazy. I would be very surprised if she likes those things about herself, she just does not know how to fix them.

Yeah. Didn't she come from a super strict, corporal punishment foster home?

I'd be too scared to try too.

I'd have her evaluated JIC. I might do things like set the table nicely and pretend we're at a fancy dinner, so let's all use our very best manners as practice (and there should probably be some giggling involved, nothing stressy). I do that sometimes with my DS when I see him getting sloppy. Helps tons.

Being matter of fact about the "Simply Must Do" stuff helps. Sometimes being silly, depends on the kid's mood. I try not to get after my DS too much but this is the kid who will leave pee all over the bathroom and a trail of orange peels and dirty socks if I let him. I think it is largely part of being six.

[Dovenoir]

Edited.. Baby grabbed the phone.

I'm wondering if she wasn't allowed a lot of core strengthening play in her FOO. It's hard to control fine motor skills when you have to work hard to stay in your seat. Core muscles would explain the bike issues too.

Again, an OT evaluation may do wonders.

[MrsHutch]

Thanks everybody, I've emailed her case worker to see what we need to do to get her an OT eval.