games to promote sibling kindness- fights are constant!

[Stefanierose88]

All of sudden about 5 days ago my DD1 and DD2 have gone into crazy 24/7 fighting mode. I have had to separate them several times a day, and often just want to scream at them (but I don't, usually!).

DD2 just turned 2 and she is in "MINE MINE MINE" mode. She is way worse than DD1 was at her age, DD2 has a big intense personality. She is constantly taking toys and yelling "NO!" to everyone, including her big sister who I guess has had enough of it and has decided to hit her all day in response.

I have them apologize, kiss boo-boos, hug, draw pictures for eachother. I also separate them into different rooms when its impossible for them to even be near each other for a moment.

DH is feeling like we are doing something wrong, but I think its a phase mainly due to DD2's annoying DD1 all day.

DD1 has also been having a talking-back and attitude thing, I am thinking its a combo of being almost 4 and testing limits/reactions and stress from the fighting with little sister.

DD2 has been repeating rules all day, like she will say "no jump on the couch, on the floor!" "no hit baby, gentle!"; not sure if she is maybe processing the rules or trying to remember them?

Anyway, what else can I do to foster kindness? I was thinking of maybe bible verses games that teach how to be gentle/nice?

its exhausting

[camperjen]

It's a phase. A long one, but a phase nonetheless. My boys got along pretty well and then all of a sudden did NOT get along at all and then eventually did again (they're 8 and 9yo). My boys are 19 mo apart and I think it wasn't until 5 and 6 or so that they found the happiness in each other's company again. Right now they're playing in the other room. A lot of it was me pointing out to each one when the other did something nice. "Hey, did your brother bring that toy to you? He must really like you! What a nice thing to do!" and "See how he came to give you a pat when you hurt your arm? He cares about how you feel."

Sometimes I had to look REALLY hard to come up with something nice. It might have been, "See how he didn't yell when I had him share the toy with you?"

I feel that it is MY job to say to each of them how they feel about each other - as toddlers and young kids, they can't do it. Honestly, they still barely ever can say out loud, "I love you" in regular conversation - or if I ask, "You love your brother, don't you?" I will get a half-hearted response or a snicker with the word NO attached. But every single night at bedtime we do a round-robin of telling everyone else in the family by name that we love them and every single night the boys say it to each other without a 2nd thought and sometimes even add nice things about each other. We started this habit when the boys were moved to the same room when my youngest was 3yo. "Night-night Mommy, I love you. Night-night Daddy, I love you. Night-night Nathan, I love you" and then it's the next person's turn. Eventually all four of us take a turn.

I have them apologize, kiss boo-boos, hug, draw pictures for eachother. I also separate them into different rooms when its impossible for them to even be near each other for a moment.

DH is feeling like we are doing something wrong,

It sounds like your'e doing all the right things. Lather, rinse, repeat for the next few years. You're not doing anything wrong - it really is a phase where both of them are realizing what is theirs and what is someone else's, what is cool and what toys stink, as well as asserting independence in the same but different ways.

[mamacat]

So dd 1 is like 3!?oh goodness - not a good mix of ages because 3 yr olds arent mature enough yet to be able to handle toys being grabbed away and 2 yr olds arent usually at a stage where they can be taught to be more "kind". So by all means do nd say the right things for them but goal is probably going to have to be more seperate play areas and damage control until they each develop a bit more.Like having older one be able to play in a protected area like a play yard or room with a gate and the 2 yr old having something fun to do so she isnt wailing to get in where older one is. Since you have a you ger baby it is hard to remember that just turned 2 is a baby also.

[MariJo7]

I remember that. It is a phase, and perhaps also a personality ssue. My two oldest sons were fighting all the time. The older one had a tendency to take everything seriously and the younger one made a joke of everything...

Kindnes is a beautiful plant worth of cultivating, but it grows slowly. Bible verses, stories, exercises, hugs, apologies...they all help and should be applied, but it still takes many years to get a "harvest" of kindnes. We need a lot of patience. Meanwhile, we need to protect this delicate, growing plant through excercising "preventive measures" and by "distributing justice". It can be very useful just to keep the fighting parties apart. It takes a lot of energy, but if you can prevent a fight you also prevent your kids from "trampling" on this growing "plant of kindnes".

---------- Post added at 11:29 AM ---------- Previous post was at 11:25 AM ----------

It is very, very important that your older daughter feels she is treated fairly. I believe you are fair, just keep doing that. It will have a positive outcome even though it seems to take a looooong time.

[Aerynne]

Go somewhere where there isn't anything to fight over. Outside, to a park, even a playland at a fast food restaurant. It will give you a break. I know you can't do that all the time but doing it daily helps tremendously!

[mamacat]

Agree that outside play does help a lot,tho the little one may want what sister has out there.if weather pemits in your area is helpful to have a toddlr swing for younger one

[Johns_Gal]

3 and 2? Yeah. Sounds about right.

I have a bigger gap between mine, but many of my friends have yours or quite close to it.

Even with my gap, they really need space from each other sometimes. I have a play yard in my living room and have preached the wonders of it high and low.


Three is the cusp of being a bigger kid, and two is such a baby. No wonder they are frustrated, and both are too little to have good coping skills. Good on you for keeping your calm most of the time, I don't always and wind up parking oldest on his bed and baby in the gate while I step outside and breathe some cool air.

[mamacat]

Also emphasizing to older one in ways that will validate her frustrations like " little ones want what they see their big sisters with dont they? Its hard because they dont understand about not grabbing toys yet"

[Stefanierose88]

Thank you thank you! I have been feeling so down today because the voices I hear tell me that I need to "make them obey" or else they will get worse and worse! I feel defensive because I really do think they are learning, but its hard when they are fighting a lot to not feel like I'm wrong.

I am making a greater effort to validate DD1's feelings, I think that could be adding to her very sudden behavior changes. She has been talking back and very easily thrown into a tantrum whereas before she was pretty calm, respectful and easygoing the majority of the time.

I am sick right now with a long-term thing, and I am simply not physically able to do as much as I used to. That makes active things harder, plus we live in NJ and its winter time so besides the library (which we have been using a lot!) everything is indoors and costs money!

I sat in my chair and played tonight with them though. They did the running around but I was able to help them into dress up clothes and encourage them and tell them how awesome their princesses clothes and circus acts were they got along the best they have in a week!

[ashbobash]

Puppet shows were fun for my boys to do together. Or dress up & act out a story/song & then I would video them on my phone to watch later. If you are interested in a specific game to encourage cooperation, there's a cute little board game called Feed the Woozle that is cooperative. Very fun for the preschool set. It also involves getting up & moving! I saw it at our Target.

[Beth1231]

This thread is encouraging,my 7 and 3 yr old have been fighting a lot more often. Winter doesn't help.
"I see you" helps here. "I see my children building a tower together." "I saw you want to hit your brother and you stopped yourself." Etc.
Just aknowledging their kind acts.
It's a slooowwwww process. I try to remember they are practicing for the rest of their lives.

[mamacat]

Ya you cant make them obey if they are not at a stage developmentally where they CAN or can get it.It helps to think pf it as a stage and not them being naughty or disobedient or doing these things to annoy or give you a hard time.and how hard is it for us as adults to not just react to things sometimes?

---------- Post added at 03:57 PM ---------- Previous post was at 03:49 PM ----------

Mine also used to love putting on little shows and puppet shows for me.They would get behind the back of couch (not up against wall) and use that as their stage so they could hide behind lower part of couch.One time they even had our small dog make a surprise appearance