9 yr old who attacks me

[Likeatreeplanted]

Hi all, this is my first post here after reading many threads for months! I was raised with punitive discipline and always knew I wanted to discipline my children differently. However, when I had my daughter, I found myself reverting to punitive discipline much of the time, and hating myself for it. I find that I tend to over-compensate and swing over to being too permissive, and sometimes I land in that happy middle of GBD. I have read TONS of parenting books but always find that, in the middle of a "situation", all my head knowledge flies out the window!!!

My question is about my daughter....she is often angry and struggles with alot of things, and I'm working to address those issues with her and with a psychologist. Problem is, she often lashes out in anger toward me and her baby brother. She will spit in my face, call me names, knock over her brother or otherwise cause him to get hurt, and sometimes physically hit me. This can be over small things like, please come to the table for supper.

I have learned how to script, how to give warnings for transitions, giving her lots of hugs and time to connect with me, using humour, etc. But sometimes, I lock myself and my son (1 yr old) in the bedroom. Hubby is not around to help. If I can get some physical distance from her, she will get her anger out and then calm down and apologize to me. But often it takes locking the door to get away from her and de-escalate the situation. She hates any kind of boundaries and has attachment issues. She has even learned how to pick the lock even though it locks with a key.

What do I do in the middle of an escalating situation? I find that our bond is becoming more frayed, and I often don't like being around her. When I have been physically or verbally attacked for the umpteenth time at the end of the day and I am all alone....I've just had it.

[megretleigh]

I don't have any wisdom to offer, but since I'm early on in this process... I'm following since my 5yo has been somewhat similar lately. And here's a hug! (Sigh...I can't find a hug emoticon on tapatalk)

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[Beautiful Chaos]

First off, welcome! I am so sorry! it sounds like there could be more going on. Maybe she is angry about a change or something in school and she doesn't know how to tell you. Have you considered counseling? With the physical outbursts I would want to definitely get to the bottom of it sooner rather than later. You know? My 9 yo is super whiny when she is asked about anything. Literally anything. I do go off sometimes and it breaks both our hearts. Maybe try being super aware of your emotions when you are dealing with outburst. It can be hard and take some work, but that may help. You're not alone.

[Iveyrock]

You mentioned attachment issues - may I ask what that looks like?

[saturnfire16]

First of all, welcome!

Some possible root causes that come to mind:

If you're swinging from permissive to punitive, she could be feeling very insecure and angry. Have you done anything to help her learn other tools to express anger? For some kids, releasing the anger by having something they *can* hit helps. A punching bag, a pillow, etc. For other kids, that just amps them up more and they need calming skills- deep breathing, a quiet spot with a pillow and stuffed animal and some books (often called a comfort corner).

Could it be food allergy related? My dd is sensitive to corn and it affects her moods. She will sometimes rage, scream and crying, seemingly over very minor things. I still help her with the above mentioned skills, just as life skills and for the times when she does have corn. But since we've known about the allergy I can try to keep it out of her diet, and since she knows, she can make choices about what she wants to eat, knowing how it may make her feel. Some other common culprits are dyes, dairy, and gluten.

In the middle of the situation, are you able to calmly stop her/restrain her without getting punitive. How does she react if you grab her hand as she's swinging at you,
firmly say "I will not let you hurt me. You're very angry and I want to help. Let's figure out what you need."

[HomeWithMyBabies]

I have a child who has shown similar behavior in the past. I understand that worn down feeling. What does her psychologist suggest?

[OnlyBelieve]

Welcome.
I have never dealt with anything like this so I will let the experienced mothers give you advice. I will be praying for you and your family because that situation sounds so very tough.

[thomer]

You mentioned attachment issues - is she adopted?

My son (whom we adopted) had big anger issues around then also. For me it I had to institute a no-tolerance policy to to any disrespect or outbursts. You even stomp your foot in anger? Go to your room until you can calm down. Throw things? Sorry, that item is gone now. Go crazy like a tornado in your room? You need to sit here and not move until you can stop being a crazy person.

"I know you are angry, but you may not hurt me/throw things/destroy things/call me names etc" has been said more times than I can count.

Now that he is older (13) I'm letting him express his feelings more, but at the same time helping him script. "You may not be happy about new rule, but screaming at me will not help the situation. Next time you could calmly tell me why you disagree but your chance is over this time"

Could you tell us more about your family situation?

---------- Post added at 04:37 PM ---------- Previous post was at 04:33 PM ----------

What do I do in the middle of an escalating situation? I find that our bond is becoming more frayed, and I often don't like being around her. When I have been physically or verbally attacked for the umpteenth time at the end of the day and I am all alone....I've just had it.

I just want to come back and say I totally get it and big hugs. Do you have an evening free where you can just get out and do something to renew you? It's so important to just run away and clear your head sometimes

[Earthmummy07]

My DS is younger (6) so I don't have any practical experience with your DD's age, but I have dealt with anger issues with a child that is stronger than me It is exhausting

Cutting out gluten and soy made a big difference in the violent rages. He still has his moments, it didn't cure his problems, but we're no longer walking on eggshells waiting for him to hurt somebody

[Likeatreeplanted]

Thank you for all the replies, it's much appreciated!

To answer some of the questions...in terms of attachment issues, no she is not adopted but had trauma in the preschool years causing post-traumatic stress symptoms (not formally diagnosed as PTSD). She continues to have trouble with toileting, to the point that she has to be accomodated at school (having EAs help her make sure the bathroom is clean afterwards). She lies and steals from her peers at school. She often wants to do babyish things at home, like drink from a bottle or use a baby potty. She has hoarding behaviours. She has difficulty taking responsibility or showing empathy and remorse. Occasionally she will growl like a threatened dog.

She saw a counselor after the trauma for a year. We are just beginning therapy with a professional psychologist (first appointment was today actually).

In terms of our family situation, she doesn't know her bio-dad, so that is another probable-attachment issue for her. She has had a difficult relationship with my husband, her stepfather, and at the moment we are not living together, but trying to work things out. Obviously that is a source of stress for all of us!

Yeah, I don't get alot of time to myself, as I'm sure that would help! And I think I do need to become more aware of my emotions in the moment, as I often feel incredibly defensive and like I need to protect myself, when really this is just a child and I am the grown-up. I also need to be more consistent and engaged with her.

She doesn't respond well to physical redirection or being restrained in any way - it totally tends to escalate her. She is very sensitive to touch and loud noises. I think she basically feels threatened alot of the time. She also has learning difficulties which haven't been diagnosed yet but she is on the waiting list.

If we are past the point of scripting, then I usually impose some sort of mostly non-punitive time-out, such as go sit on the couch, or go jump on your trampoline (we have a small indoor exercise one). I do send her to her room, but it's as a cooling-off, not strictly isolation, and I allow her to come out when she's ready. It usually works pretty well, and she is always apologetic afterwards. She really wants to have self-control and I know she feels powerless and like she is a terrible person, which is so sad to see. I think I will work on creating a comfort corner for her, that's a great idea.

It seems like, in the moment, she is incapable of rational thought and just needs a way to get grounded again. I have on occasion had her take a shower to calm down. I feel like she has no respect for me and feels like she can just walk all over me, so I need to set boundaries while not becoming punitive. But it still feels like she is in trouble all the time.

I have cut out gluten before, and also had her on an Omega supplement. She's back on gluten in small amounts and it doesn't seem to affect her like it did in the past, but it's always something I could try again.

Thanks for any and all suggestions!! I do pray for her alot and have to actively fight the tendency to become anxious about the situation and start to predict all these horrible life outcomes for her, trusting that God will work it out and has a plan for her life.

[ShiriChayim]

Welcome Momma. I'm sorry you're having such a rough time right now. My oldest son is 9 and well, and on the autism spectrum so we deal with many similar behaviors. I'm so very very glad that you're here. It was on GCM that I gained the tools that I needed to have to work with my spectrum children (my 6yo is also on the spectrum) and have really helped turn my home from one that was hugely adversarial into one where everyone is on the same team. I do have a few questions:

First, does she give you any warning before she starts hurting you? As her mother, are you able to see a ramp up or something that makes you know that she's right on the edge and about to blow up? Is there a certain time of day, day of the week, or event that makes her more likely to be aggressive? (For my son, the hour after school was the time he let off ALL THE STEAM that had built up over the course of the day ).

Second what is she like after she's calmed down? Does she express remorse or frustration over her behavior? What does she think about the whole thing when she's calm?

Third, what sorts of calming or coping strategies does she currently have?

Fourth, do you have something positive that the two of you connect over? Something to build the base for connection in a positive manner, that also build relationship and trust between the two of you? (I personally have found this one to be essential, if my son is feeling a disconnect or loss of trust in ME, then all bets are off in terms of ability to deescalate a situation.

Fifth, what kind of self-care do you have going on for yourself? It sounds like life is really rough at the moment, which means self care for yourself as mom is so very essential . Having a child on a hair trigger is so very draining, the mental effort that comes from being "on" ALL. THE. TIME. because you just never know can wear you down like nothing I've ever experienced.

[saturnfire16]

Sounds like the poor girl is going through a lot. Are you making time to connect with her in positive ways, just hang out with her, do things she enjoys, cuddle, unwind?

[Likeatreeplanted]

Yes, the after school hour is BAD. I've modified her routine so she can watch tv after school instead of starting homework right away. However, since we only have movies (no cable), she has to turn the movie off halfway, which does not go well as you can imagine. TV seems to relieve some stress for her, but create others.

Often, the time when I'm putting my son to bed is pretty bad. She will get all hyperactive and start acting out negatively (jumping on my bed, getting aggressive with baby etc) and then it just escalates.

I try to connect with her right after school, then again at the dinner table, then I always help her with homework, then again at bedtime. If I'm too exhausted, then I just lay down with both kids in my bed and let them fall asleep beside me, then I walk my daughter to her bed (baby sleeps with me). I also try to have special family time with her once a week, we eat pizza and watch movies.

Time for me...not much, but I'm trying to limit my screen time and not use the computer to procrastinate, that way I can at least use the time to fill my mind with more positive things. I know that having more friends would be life-giving for me, but I find it hard to know how to reach out.

I am starting to practice forgiving my daughter in the moment, each and every time she does something hurtful. That is helping me to release it and stay objective, and deal with her more compassionately. Telling her I forgive her, and asking her if she would like to apologize but not forcing it.

She does express remorse after she's calm. And she knows how to walk away or how to scream into a pillow, which she can do if she's only moderately upset, but sometimes it all goes out the window.

[saturnfire16]

Netflix is only $8 a month and then she could watch an episode after school.

Is homeschooling an option for you? It might give you both more time to connect, and be less stress for her all throughout the day.

[Likeatreeplanted]

Cool, thanks! I will look into that. I'm in Canada, hope they have it here.

As for homeschooling, we did that last year. There was some good, but in the end it didn't work out. She needs to get out of the house and socialize. Even though it's hard, she never complains about being at school.